Hey Doc,

I really appreciate your sex positive advice. That, your articles about dating apps, and your nonjudgemental approach to open or monogamish relationships and kinks makes me think you’re the right person to ask about this.

Some context: My partner and I have been in a committed relationship for going on eight years now. Our sex has always been mind blowing and a very important part of our relationship. He is older than I am, and while in the beginning he was more experienced, over time we’ve both learned new things that excite us. Most of our sex is extremely satisfying “vanilla” PiV or PiA action, but we also like to indulge in a kink or two. We’ve discovered that for each other, we’re switches–we get off on exchanging dominating and submissive roles. Without getting too graphic, on occasion he physically dominates me (always in a safe and very enthusiastically consensual way) and on occasion I verbally dominate him through taunts and cuckolding fantasy scenarios (again always in a safe and enthusiastically consensual way). Our switchery not only adds extra excitement to our sex, but also helps keep our relationship grounded, as we both recognize that our desire to be dominated in different ways is a safe means of giving in to our different anxieties about our relationship, turning those anxieties into some cathartic fucking pleasure.

If you’re still with me, I’m getting closer to my question. So far, the cuckolding has been only in the realm of fantasy, but we think we’re ready to try to make it a reality. We’ve had many discussions about how we would progress slowly, from him watching me make out with a guy, to blow jobs, to penetration. We’ve talked about boundaries like not involving people we know socially and not developing side relationships should we decide (together) to involve the same person more than once. We agree that if either one of us feels uncomfortable at any point for any reason, either one of us has an absolute right to call STOP. And we know that no matter what happens, at the end for the night, we’ll be cuddling each other, loving and secure.

And now my question: how do we find guys into being bulls, on our terms? We figured Tinder is a veritable fest of sausage, but I’ve never used tinder or any other dating app. I don’t know the basic etiquette, let alone the proper way to announce “I’m dtf while my partner watches and jerks off.” I know I should announce that’s what I’m looking for in advance, but I don’t know how or when to do so. Do I signal it somehow in my profile, tell the guy when we start messaging, or wait till we do the pre-date coffee thing to see if I even want to fuck him?

You’ve given advice and recommended resources for opening up relationships, but I was wondering if you have any specific advice for our situation. We don’t want to open up, just the respective exhibitionist and voyueristic pleasures of my getting fucked by a stranger while my partner watches.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

–If Candalus’s Wife Were into It

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