sexuality Archives

What Do I Do About My Sexless Relationship?

July 14, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He is so caring and thoughtful. He is affectionate and always finding ways to show me he loves me. He splits household responsibilities with me 50/50 and is in many ways my ideal partner, with one exception.

My boyfriend has ED.

I’m ok with. In fact, when we first started dating and he told me, I was willing to work on finding other ways to be together and feel intimacy and it seemed like he was too. I could tell he needed to take it slow and I was ok with that, but at some point progress completely halted. Now I’m at the point where I feel he refuses to do anything about it. For example he says he doesn’t like the way, “vaginas smell or taste” (he’s never even attempted to go down on me, this is based on his past experiences). He also had never touched me down there for more than a few seconds at a time. The most we do together is making out and mastrubating and even this has gotten fewer and farther between.

I’ve asked him if he’s attracted to me and he insists that he is (he also gets erections no problem when we start fooling around), but it’s so hard to not feel like I’m doing something wrong. He says this is all stemming from a botched circumcision that led to decreased sensitivity but there is definitely another element at play here. I say this because once we managed to have sex and he came but it has never been attempted nor has it happened again. In fact, just a few days ago, he said the most hurtful thing he has said to me throughout all of this. He described the moment (which I felt was special because we were able to connect) as, “I barely felt anything and then I came.”

I’m honestly at the point where I’m thinking about breaking up with him. I love him but it feels like a constant blow to my sexual confidence and it hurts so much to not be able to physically connect with him.

I know that I will be heartbroken if things don’t work out between us, but I also know I can’t force him to do anything he’s not ready to do. Please help!

Sexless In Seattle

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What Does It Really Take To Find Casual Sex?

June 28, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Occasionally I get a letter that is less of an entry for Ask Dr. NerdLove and more of an a prompt for a longer form response — something between a Post-Mortem and a typical Wednesday column. This is one of those times.

Hello Doc!

Well , where can I start? The simple thing is that I don’t feel good enough to talk to women. Currently I’m training like hell to be more attractive (I go to the gym x6 times a week, in my country we are not in a lockdown) but it takes time to get the type of body women are attracted to, at least on Tinder. First of all, I’m not looking for something serious and I know for fact that for casual relationships (or casual sex for that matter) women like muscular/fit men so… well I must train everyday but Doc, I feel tired you know? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy training but it’s exhausting! I even take SARMS to accelerate the process!

I read your articles, but I disagree with what you said about casual sex and women. For example, women are the gatekeepers of sex because they are the ones who are approached , that give them by default the power. Why you believe that for example, on tinder men don’t get many matches? I mean, I know some men do get tons of matches but.. see those men, what they have in common? Good looks and muscular body, and yes, I know that Tinder is not real life but women in general will prefer muscular men for casual sex. So, Doc how can I be less tired? I feel that for casual sex I must be muscular to have a chance…

Gym Rat

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: I Like Rough Sex. Does That Mean Something’s Wrong With Me?

June 7, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a cis woman who has been happily married to a kind, gentle, cis man for 3 years. The only area where we are mismatched is our libidos — mine is very high and his is not. But we’ve made it work and for the most part and sex has been enjoyable, if a little dull.

Over the past couple of years, I have developed a serious interest in “rough sex.” Without going into too much detail, there are several things I would like to try that sound very enticing to me.

During our last sexual encounter, I talked to my husband about this beforehand and asked him if he would incorporate a few of these things to try them out — like biting me and slapping different parts of my body. He agreed, and it was the best sex we’ve had in a long time. It did not hurt me, and I found everything incredibly enjoyable.

The next day, I was talking with my husband about this to see how he felt and if he liked it. He said it was alright, but he’d prefer to just have “boring sex” (his words) from now on. I was disappointed, but didn’t know what to say.

The rougher sexual encounter has made me hungry for more. I want to do it again. But, I know it made my husband uncomfortable so I won’t force him to do anything. I can’t stop running scenarios around in my mind of things I really want to try, none of which I can do because I know my husband won’t be up for it.

Why can’t I just let this go and be satisfied with what I do have? Is there something pathologically wrong with me?

Counting The Bruises

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Why Am I So Indecisive About Dating?

May 28, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello, Doc.

I’m a long time reader (male, straight) who has been following your site on and off since high school; currently, I am in my mid 20s, with no dating or sexual experience. This doesn’t bother me, per se. At the risk of sounding cocky, I am fairly certain I could date and so on if I tried in earnest, but I’ve only actively pursued a couple women my entire life, to no avail.

I am cynical about long-term relationships and discomfited by the intimacy involved in more casual arrangements. Early relationship excitement does appeal, except I am not an excitable person. I’ve been infatuated twice (see above), more because of unique circumstances (first crush, quarantine) than anything else. That’s unlikely to repeat, in large part because I’d rather it didn’t by now. This tangle of emotions has resulted in endless inaction, yet the notion of remaining celibate indefinitely rankles me. After all, You Only Live Once.

Hence, an ages old internal debate that I like to dub “Sense & Sensibility.” Sensibility would rather I leave matters the way they are, not because of any genuine hope of deliverance but just to enjoy the fantasy of larger-than-life romance a bit longer. Sense opines I’ve wasted enough time dithering and should just date casually; no need to become seriously involved with someone I am “merely fond of” if that offends Sensibility so much, but I could at least enjoy myself. This latter argument seems particularly persuasive when Sensuality (lust, but alliteration makes for alluring allegories) jumps in, but as a contestant it is woefully inconstant and so far Sensibility has enjoyed the advantage of being the incumbent.

With the quarantine hopefully coming to an end soon, the question of what to do is relevant again and therefore eager to torment me. Sometimes I manage to tell myself that, once meeting new people becomes feasible again, I’ll try asking some out and just date for the heck of it. But then the moment passes and I forswear all my plans. Hence, this letter. I am well aware of at least a portion of my flaws and it must be apparent by now that crippling indecisiveness is one of them.

Any advice would help. I should make it clear that my professional and social lives are going fairly well and I am overall content with my current situation, with plans to improve it further. So while I may seem dejected and do want to address this problem, its negative impact is mostly restricted to melancholy moods where I recite Keats to a suitably overcast sky. I try to balance that out by, I don’t know, singing AC/DC to a suitably overcast sky. Skies are nearly always suitably overcast this time of year where I live.

Thank you kindly,

Insert Clever Byname

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How Do I Rebuild My Sexual Self-Esteem?

May 24, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I just want to preface I really enjoy reading you and you’ve helped me out a lot when it comes to try and figure myself out as well as become more confident.

There’s just one aspect of my life in which I don’t feel confident at all: my sexual experience and sexual self-esteem. I’ve only had 2 sexual partners so far, mostly foreplay — that in and of itself isn’t a problem — yet my sexual confidence is at its lowest, even before I lost my virginity. Without wanting to go into details, my ex wasn’t really a supportive person, and everytime I would lose an erection due to performance anxiety, or struggle to adjust to a new position she would point it out in a hurtful way.

I feel this made me completely disinterested in sex, especially because I can’t portray myself in a sexual scenario; I always have the feeling I will fail, or be rebuked again, and I don’t even bother trying to date because I feel like I just CANNOT have sex.

This subject is actually stressing me a lot, and makes me feel like no one would actually want to sleep with me. Do you have any advice on how I could change my mindset or build better sexual confidence / self-esteem? I think I’m in need of some change (it’s pretty much the only area of life I’m not confident about)

Thanks for having me Doc

Soft Focus

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