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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Where Do We Find a Kinky Third?

July 16, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I really appreciate your sex positive advice. That, your articles about dating apps, and your nonjudgemental approach to open or monogamish relationships and kinks makes me think you’re the right person to ask about this.

Some context: My partner and I have been in a committed relationship for going on eight years now. Our sex has always been mind blowing and a very important part of our relationship. He is older than I am, and while in the beginning he was more experienced, over time we’ve both learned new things that excite us. Most of our sex is extremely satisfying “vanilla” PiV or PiA action, but we also like to indulge in a kink or two. We’ve discovered that for each other, we’re switches–we get off on exchanging dominating and submissive roles. Without getting too graphic, on occasion he physically dominates me (always in a safe and very enthusiastically consensual way) and on occasion I verbally dominate him through taunts and cuckolding fantasy scenarios (again always in a safe and enthusiastically consensual way). Our switchery not only adds extra excitement to our sex, but also helps keep our relationship grounded, as we both recognize that our desire to be dominated in different ways is a safe means of giving in to our different anxieties about our relationship, turning those anxieties into some cathartic fucking pleasure.

If you’re still with me, I’m getting closer to my question. So far, the cuckolding has been only in the realm of fantasy, but we think we’re ready to try to make it a reality. We’ve had many discussions about how we would progress slowly, from him watching me make out with a guy, to blow jobs, to penetration. We’ve talked about boundaries like not involving people we know socially and not developing side relationships should we decide (together) to involve the same person more than once. We agree that if either one of us feels uncomfortable at any point for any reason, either one of us has an absolute right to call STOP. And we know that no matter what happens, at the end for the night, we’ll be cuddling each other, loving and secure.

And now my question: how do we find guys into being bulls, on our terms? We figured Tinder is a veritable fest of sausage, but I’ve never used tinder or any other dating app. I don’t know the basic etiquette, let alone the proper way to announce “I’m dtf while my partner watches and jerks off.” I know I should announce that’s what I’m looking for in advance, but I don’t know how or when to do so. Do I signal it somehow in my profile, tell the guy when we start messaging, or wait till we do the pre-date coffee thing to see if I even want to fuck him?

You’ve given advice and recommended resources for opening up relationships, but I was wondering if you have any specific advice for our situation. We don’t want to open up, just the respective exhibitionist and voyueristic pleasures of my getting fucked by a stranger while my partner watches.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

–If Candalus’s Wife Were into It

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#84 – Can Silicon Valley Fix Sex Ed? A Conversation With Brianna Rader

July 12, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

The state of sexual education in America is appalling. If schools aren’t required by law to only teach abstinence-only education, then at most we get a glorified plumbing lesson instead of what we really need to know. As a result: more and more people are turning to porn for lessons in sex and sexuality.

But what if there’s a better way? If the educational system fails us – either through ignorance or design – can we take sex-ed to the people? Can we disrupt sex education and give people access to the information they need via their smartphones? This week, I talk with Juicebox app developer Brianna Rader about relationship coaching, what we get wrong about sex ed, the trouble with porn… and also what it’s like to be condemned personally by the state of Tennessee.

And be sure to stay until the end; there’s an exclusive offer for my fans.

Show Highlights:

Why schools are falling behind when it comes to teaching us about sex
How porn is filling in the gaps… and why that’s a problem
Why we have such a hard time communicating our wants and needs with our partners
What it’s like trying to fund a sex-based start-up today
How independent apps are changing the future of education

… and so much more.

Related Links:

Porn and The Real World

What We Get Wrong About Sex

What Do Your Secret Sexual Desires Say About You?

What Men SHOULD Have Learned In Sex Ed

F*ck Like A Gentleman (pt. 1)

Listen Here
Download Here

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Episode #76 – The Virginity Paradox

May 17, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Recently, we’ve been talking about toxic masculinity and all of the ways that it damages men on the individual level and society on the whole. One of the enduring questions is: so what do we do about it.

Part of the way we start end the damage that toxic masculinity does and help heal some of the pain is to talk openly and honestly about some of the issues that come bundled in the toxic masculinity package. And one of the biggest issues is the topic of sex – especially how it affects men who aren’t having it.

A lot of people – men and women both – feel ashamed of being virgins, and honestly, the way we treat virginity is profoundly fucked up. And it can be especially troubling for male virgins because there’s a lot of cultural bullshit caught up in masculine identity and sexuality. Sex is a core component of toxic masculinity; your value and measure of a man is in how much sex you have and how often you have it. If you haven’t had any… well, are you really a man at all?

It’s time to talk about the shame, the stigma and the frustration that comes from being a virgin when you don’t want to be.

Show Highlights:

How our brains drive our frustration with being virginity
Why toxic masculinity is behind the shame of being a male virgin
How society creates pressure to lose your virginity as soon as possible
Whether being a virgin is a turn-off to women
Why there’s no such thing as “too late”

…and so much more

Related Links:

The 20, 30 and 40 Year Old Virgin

The “Problem” With Male Virginity

The Virgin’s Guide To Great Sex

Sex For Beginners

How To Be An Amazing Kisser

Listen Here
Download Here

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

The Incel Phenomenon: Fixing The Wrong Sexual Crisis

May 4, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I see we’re not done talking about incels.

After Alek Minassian’s deadly attack on innocents in Toronto, scores of people decided to share their hot takes about how to “handle” the incel problem. Of course: like as not, the “problem” they focused on was that incels were angry virgins instead of the hate and misogyny that was radicalizing young men.

Worse, the solution wasn’t to deal with the anger, but to deal with the virginity.

Never was the absurdity of this argument more visible than when economist Robin Hansen attempted to equate being a virgin to financial inequality – leading many to wonder just what the absolute fuck was wrong with him.

(Considering that Hansen has described infidelity as being akin or worse to rape and that maybe women who cuckold their husbands should be tortured – but don’t quote him on that – the answer is evidently “a lot.”)

Now, one might be forgiven for thinking, as I did, that most people would recognize the idea that maybe we should ask women to “take one for the team” in the name of preventing future attacks is both idiotic on its face and disgusting to boot. Sure, someone at The Federalist was undoubtedly limbering up their hands to produce their next hot take but c’mon. It’s The Federalist.

This, of course, was like daring the universe to prove me wrong. I may as well have stood on a mountain and declared that God has shitty aim.

On Wednesday, I was coming back from a lovely trip to the UK to see friends. After a nine hour enforced vacation from the Internet, I turn on my phone to discover that New York Times contributor Ross Douthat picked up the Baton of Stupid Arguments and ran with it.

So we need to talk about just what’s so mind-bogglingly wrong with the argument that the problem with incels is some sort of “sexual inequality.”

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did Sharing My Fantasies Kill Our Sex Life?

January 12, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove 130 Comments

Hey Doc,

I’m a 32 year old man and my fiancé is a 30 year old woman. She has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We have been together for 5 years (on and off) but are really happy in every part of our relationship except our sex life.

We broke up for about 6 months about a year and a half ago and we both saw other people in that time. We both realised that we really wanted to be with each other and got back together.

I think the time apart changed us for the better and the worse. We both knew that we didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone else but we came back kind of determined to live our lives how we wanted as we’d seen another side.

I really find her very attractive but after the first few months of being back together and having that honeymoon period again, we went through a rough sexual patch. I was hiding my true sexual needs from her and I was getting frustrated at the vanilla sex. I eventually opened up to her and funnily enough she opened up to me too. We both had similar fantasies so I presumed that we would then go on to act them out together.

The fantasies are; stag and vixen (Hotwife), threesome MMF, foursome MMFM, “cheating” etc etc. You get the idea. I was pleased!!!!

We spoke about it and I got excited. Then it turned out she didn’t want to make it a reality, she didn’t even want to compromise by pretending. She won’t role play, talk dirty, even pretend by text message that she’s into it… just to give me something. She will happily think about it to herself, watch porn about it to herself…. but any involvement with me is being “fake” or setting it up. She wants spontaneity, but not in that way. For instance, if I started talking about while we have sex she’ll get angry and tell me it’s a turn off.

I feel like I’d meet her kinky needs but she won’t try to meet mine, although she actually secretly likes what I’m into.

She wants to have sex to cum. That’s it. Not to have fun. Not to grow closer. She wants me to be “a man” and get on with it. Get hard, fuck her, cum, then go to sleep. There’s no room for play. Experimentation.

Don’t forget we are engaged and I very much love this woman. I just don’t want have to have “boring” sex that doesn’t turn me on, when I feel like we could be having so much more fun.

We’ve gone down to sex a couple of times a month because I just can’t get excited about it. I lose my erection because to be honest it’s just so predictable that I switch off.

I read your article on sexual compatibility and it says you should compromise, but she’s not willing to do it. She said if I want that in my sex life then I should find someone else because she’s not like that. Which means I just put up with it…. but then I’m made to feel like I’m not into sex because I don’t get aroused just because she’s naked. She thinks that’s enough. I should be gagging to bang her.

What do I do? Is it me? Is it her? Is it both of us?? It’s very confusing because this is my entire life. I don’t want to throw away my relationship because of miscommunication or misunderstanding, or even social pressure to be normal!!

Thank you in advance.

Frustrated Fantasist

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