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We Haven’t Had Sex in Months. Is My Husband Cheating On Me?

April 30, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

My husband and I (he’s a straight man and I’m a bi woman) have been together for 25 years, and most of the time I see him as the best partner possible. Loving, kind, thoughtful, funny, and a wonderful father. Where things aren’t so great is our sex life.

Up until last year my sex drive was at an all time low. I was dealing with a misdiagnosed mental health disorder, and the medication I was taking meant my desire completely tanked. So having sex once every month or even less was fine by me. I wasn’t even masturbating, which I’ve always enjoyed, so it wasn’t like my lack of interest had anything to do with him. But things have changed and it’s becoming a big problem.

Now that I have a proper diagnosis and am taking the right medication, my sex drive has skyrocketed. Sex once a month isn’t enough. I masturbate every day, sometimes more than once, but I miss having sex with my husband. And it’s not just the physical act, but also the closeness and emotional connection that I’m looking for. But he doesn’t seem interested. At all.

I’ve tried everything I can think of. I initiate sex regularly, but the majority of the time he says he’s too tired. I’ve bought sexy lingerie, suggested we watch porn together (what kind is his choice), bought books, offered to do a strip tease, role play etc etc and nothing seems to work. At this point I’m not sure if it’s that he’s no longer attracted to me, that he really is too tired, that he’s getting it somewhere else, or that he’s unable to keep an erection (more on that shortly).

We’ve talked about this outside the bedroom when we’re both calm and he swears it isn’t a lack of desire or attraction to me. He says he’s especially tired at night, which makes sense because he works a physically demanding job. But I’ve tried initiating sex in the morning or on the weekend and that doesn’t work either. So I’m left with the last two possibilities …cheating or ED.

The last few times we’ve had sex he’s had trouble staying hard. I’ve given him oral, tried manual, stimulated everywhere I could think of, dirty talk, dirty movies, and no dice. The last time it happened I asked if everything was OK and he said that having trouble staying hard is just what happens to 50 year old men. But from everything I’ve read that just isn’t true.

He doesn’t want to see a doctor, which I find frustrating. I know that vaginal penetration isn’t the be all and end all of good sex, but not being able to get him off at all is driving me crazy. And yes, I miss good old fashioned screwing. But most importantly of all, there’s no cuddling, no physical connection, and now he’s sleeping on the couch.

I’m starting to think it really is me, or that he’s getting it elsewhere. He’s been working in a woman’s house over the last month and he’s been talking about her a lot…how nice she is, how smart, how much he admires that she’s raising her daughter alone after being widowed. Ok, so he also said he thought I’d like her, but the repetition of her virtues made me uncomfortable. When I flat out asked if there was anything going on he snapped and said just asking him that was insulting. When I pushed for an answer he said there was nothing going on, that he wasn’t cheating, nor would he ever. I’m almost sure that’s true, but there is a small part of me that wonders.

So what do I do? No matter why this is happening, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. Leaving or cheating are not options…I love and respect him too much for that. Please help, because I’m –

Hot, Bothered and Missing my Husband

[Read more…]

What Does My Taste In Sex Partners Say About Me?

March 22, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: today’s question deals with issues of race, white supremacy and sexuality. Needless to say: racist and homophobic comments are not welcome and the mods and I will be paying attention.

Dear Dr. NerdLove: 

I’m a young gay man in his 20’s, and although I’ve had a sometimes rocky start to life (like many other folks around me), I’ve been able to get through it largely intact, and now have a pretty good path ahead of me.

I think I’ve already dealt with a good chunk of negative thoughts and fears that used to hang heavily over me – I used to fear I was unlovable as an awkward, overweight, nerdy Asian guy – but with successes in therapy, hobbies, friends, hookups, and my career, I’ve been able to begin to see myself in a new light. Although of course, I’m still dealing with remnants of it (your typical duo of depression and anxiety, maybe some self-hatred still in there).

There’s one big thing that jumps out at me, and it’s becoming more and more of a “hot topic” now, and I haven’t been able to figure it out productively. I… haven’t seen a single East Asian man in real life that I’ve been attracted to.

Now let me get this clear; I’m East Asian. My parents are East Asian. I have East Asian best friends, I went to school with many East Asians, whatever. I… may not be a purely aracial being, but certainly I’ve done a lot to try to stamp out racism and racist thoughts from my life. The websites that talk about this suggest that sexual racism means “you think Asians are effeminate” or “you think Asians are obedient and submissive” or something else; I don’t really think any of that.

To me, most East Asian guys I see around me or in media (here or overseas) are just… about as sexually attractive as I find women (I.e. not at all, and sometimes sexually repulsive). I’ve tried!! But after a few times, you kinda get the feeling it doesn’t work for you, and you don’t want to waste the other guy’s time either.

Even when I was younger (discovered porn around 10-12), although I have (though rarely) looked at Asian guys in porn, it was never really what I focused on.

I assume it has something to do with the media exposure I had – where white or Middle Eastern or Latino folks were ‘normal’, Black folks were often there just for the cock, and…. I’m not even sure what the western porn industry has used Asian MEN for, as a category.

But beyond that, I had my fair share dealing with negative experience with East Asian adults and peers as a kid too, especially since that sometimes formed a bulk of by upbringing. Young looking guys are still off-putting to me in general cuz of the whole bitter taste school left in me, lol.

But how do I even begin to fix this? Websites that talk about sexual racism never talk about fixing it. They just say guys that are racist are trash and you should stay away from them. Unfortunately for those folks, my depression did not win, and I continue to exist… And while “exposure therapy” might work, well, it’s hard to date someone you’re not physically attracted to when you know they’re physically attracted to you, and it’s even harder to… have sex with them (if I definitely want to say no, but force myself to say yes…). Beyond that, I don’t think it’s right of me to subject someone else to dating someone who’s just trying to “fix their racist preferences” through exposure. Otherwise, I still get plenty of exposure to Asian men through work, current (non-sexual!!!) friendships (that are meaningful and important to me), and life in general.

Got any tips, or perhaps words of wisdom? I do definitely wish I could expand my dating pool by broadening what I’m able to find attractive… but I also do wish I could address this nagging (and increasingly strong) guilt about having racial preferences / being racist in dating, especially in these times.

Want To Expand My Interests

[Read more…]

How Can Men Look for Casual Sex Without Being Creepy?

March 12, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc, 

My question is, honestly, is it truly possible for men to actively seek out casual sex or hookups without being creepy? Now, let me clarify some things about this question. Theoretically, of course, the answer is obviously “yes”, but practically? How does a man even bring up the idea without ever creeping out a woman? Many women seem to be repulsed by the idea. Some may like it, but only with certain men. Of course, it’s impossible to know if a woman would like hooking up with you, or even if she wouldn’t be utterly repulsed by you asking, without asking in the first place, so even finding out that vital part of the equation seems impossible to do without creeping a woman out, unless you’re ungodly lucky and every single woman you happen to ask just happens to not be repulsed by you asking.

Another thing is even approaching. Ask on Reddit about it, every single possible venue has its detractors.
“Don’t ask me at the store, I’m just there to shop.”
“Don’t ask me at class, I’m there to learn.”
“Don’t ask me at salsa lessons, I’m there to dance salsa, and I’d be uncomfortable dancing with guys who ask me.”
“Don’t ask me at the coffee shop, I’m there to read/work.”
“Don’t ask me at the bar, I’m just there to drink with friends.”
“Don’t ask me at the club, I’m just there to dance with friends.”

It would be one thing if these were just framed as personal preference, but these always carry the implication that any guy who would do this is probably predatory. And God help you if you DARE ask any follow-up questions about any of these. If you do, it’s obviously because you want to invalidate her opinion or you think you’re entitled to women’s time. Just about the only uncontroversial venue is Tinder. But for many men, that’s just a self-esteem destroyer, of constant one-sided swiping and ghosting.

Some may say that the best thing to do is through social circles or activity groups. But because of everything else I mentioned, I REALLY do not want to do that. If I creep out a stranger, that sucks, but there’s likely no more negative consequences than that. The fact that she even would meet me again is slim to none. But if I creep out a friend or a friend or someone else in an activity group, that’s just terrible. She could tell others about how I creeped her out, my already existing friends would be more suspicious of me, any future interaction with any female member of the group would be tainted, I might even get shunned from the group. That makes me never want to look to friends or activity groups.

So basically, how is it even possible for a man to look for hookups without being creepy? It sounds like he’d need ungodly luck. First, the woman has to not be offended by a simple approach. Then, she has to not be repulsed by the idea of hooking up, and then, to not be repulsed by the idea of hooking up with him. None of those are knowable without asking in the first place. But to ask requires approaching in the first place. And then if he asks, she would then know he thinks of her like that…

Seeking Something Casual

[Read more…]

Where Can I Safely Express Myself, Sexually?

February 5, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

As a 22 year old guy, I have no idea how to express myself sexually, since I’ve never really done that before.  It helps to state upfront what I’m looking for: when I say “express myself sexually”, I mean it fairly literally. I want other people to talk to about my desires and fantasies. I have a lot of “ideas” in my head and I want to meet other people who are into the same stuff as me. It’s really that simple. I’m not asking for the intimacy or relationship of a “sex partner”, because I don’t necessarily need a “sex partner” anymore than I’d need a “Star Wars movie watching partner”. Rather what I need is a kind of “fandom” I can join, or even just a “sexual friend” (not FWB, literally just “friend who’s into the same sexual stuff in the same way we’d like the same TV show”). I don’t need a full-blown relationship, just someone I can just “geek out” with and share interests with. It could be as simple as an adult pen pal, or someone I meet up with for coffee once or twice a month. I literally just want a safe place and a safe person to share myself with, and someone who can share themselves with me. I’m not asking for a full-blown swingers or BDSM club, just an adults-only space to talk to others about adults-only stuff.

On one hand, I understand this question seems a bit ridiculous because of how easy the need should be to meet even without your help. There are tons of groups and places out there in real life, to say nothing of the infinite variety of online communities. Why would anyone have trouble finding a place where they can talk about even the most obscure stuff?

For me, the problem is that I’m a very cautious, perhaps even paranoid person, and combined with my sexual naivety I just don’t know how to navigate and explore the adult world safely.

My sense of caution is borne from the fact that my life as a whole is more important than any sex life I could ever have. If I was guaranteed a 40-year career with decent pay and benefits, comfortable retirement, a nice house, respect by my peers in the field, etc and the condition was never experiencing any sexual pleasure ever again, I would take that deal. Contrariwise, I’ve come an enormously long way in my life, and it would be awful to ruin it all just because I wanted to have some fun. If I play my cards right I’m set for a very good life, but as far as exploring and expressing myself sexually as an adult, I don’t know what game I’m even playing. I don’t want to make a bad decision by not knowing what I’m getting into, get involved in something dangerous or illegal, and then have my life ruined just because I was horny and didn’t know what to do with myself.

As an example of how my problem works, I know there are message boards, subreddits, websites, chatrooms, etc dedicated to exactly the kind of stuff I like, but since people can easily hide who they are online, I don’t want to risk talking with somebody who turns out to be underage. As such, I don’t go to such places or do such things. No matter how much I want to interact with others, I don’t do that because I have too much to lose if something goes wrong, and the fear of something going wrong would ruin the fun of something that goes right.

To steal a metaphor from someone I heard once, my sex life is like being stranded in the ocean: surrounded by water, none of it drinkable. Or at least that’s how I’d describe the situation for online communities. With regards to real-life communities for adults, I’m in a desert: no idea of where to even find water.

Yet at the same time, I can’t help but feel that I’m too responsible and big-picture minded for my own good, that I’m over-cautious and paranoid, and that maybe I’m surrounded by tons of great options I’m just too scared to look into, or because of my naivety even safe things look scary since I don’t have the experience to know they’re trustworthy. Yes, it’s my determination that my life as a whole is better and more important than any sex life I could possibly have, but at the same time sexuality is a basic human urge, and I’m caught between “I can satisfy myself safely if I know what I’m doing. Hundreds of millions of people watch porn, role-play, go to strip/kink/swinger/BDSM clubs, etc and they’re just fine.” versus “I don’t know that much about the adult world or how to get into it, and even if I did the safest option is to do nothing.”. It’s a battle between “My fear is possibly irrational, and I can afford to have some fun.” versus “No amount of fun is worth the risk. Fear keeps me safe.”

My current solution is to avoid interacting with others for maximum safety and focus entirely on what I can do for myself. More specifically, I harness my skills as a writer and make stories for myself, but in a lot of ways this just highlights why I want another human being to express myself to: I’d like someone other than me to listen to and enjoy my fantasies. I’d like to know what someone else thinks of them, or what their own twists on my scenarios would be. I also want to learn about what someone else likes, even if I don’t like it as well. I know exactly what I like, but someone else has the potential to reveal something I didn’t even know I wanted, or offer some other new idea or perspective I hadn’t thought of before. Ironically, writing erotic literature for myself has taught me about what an adult “partner” and “intimacy” is really all about. It’s not just someone else who can make you orgasm. It’s the emotional connection of sharing our deepest desires with someone, and them trusting us with theirs. I want that experience of sitting down and talking to someone about our turn-ons as casually as we’d discuss our favorite movies. I want to know that part of someone, and I want them to know that part of me.

Once more, I’m not even looking for a sex partner or girlfriend, at least in the normal sense of the word. The intimacy I’m looking for is actually closer to being fans of the same sports team or TV show rather than sharing the same bed. Heck, I’m completely open to talking about myself to another guy. Literally anyone 18 or over who can say “Yeah, me too.” is fine by me.

Sincerely,
Cautious Yet Curious

[Read more…]

GUEST POST — Flirting and Forgiveness

July 6, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: today’s column is by Dr. Timaree Schmitt, host of Sex With Timaree and co-host of DTF: Darryl and Timaree Fun Hour. Also updated to add commentary on apologies and making amends.

There have been precious few upsides to the pandemic for me. But one highlight was discovering the You’re Wrong About podcast.

It’s hosted by a pair of journalists obsessed with exposing the way we collectively misremember history- or failed to understand it at the time. They have covered the Kitty Genovese murder (origin of the myth of “bystander apathy”), inner city gangs in the 90s (more a media narrative than a real phenomenon), and even the life of Marie Antoinette (she never said that thing we all think she said).

There is no shortage of topics for the You’re Wrong About podcast to explore, because, let’s be frank: we’ve been wrong about nearly everything, at least initially. As a species we’ve struggled to understand the world, making best guesses and learning bits and pieces over time, through a horrible process of trial and error.

Take the idea of germ theory of disease. It’s the concept that microorganisms and bacteria are responsible for many human illnesses. It was proposed a thousand years ago, but it wasn’t until the end of the 19th century that researchers came to accept that objects too tiny to be perceived by our eyes could be causing so much trouble.

Nowadays we can read about physicians of the 1850s going from performing an autopsy straight to delivering a baby without washing their hands and laugh riotously at the stupidity. How silly of them! How could they not know?

But we’re not smarter for having been born later. We simply don’t know what we don’t know. And until someone discovers something and effectively shares that knowledge, we will continue to not know.

And that’s how I feel about the way I learned about gender, consent and flirting. As a kid, I didn’t find it particularly confusing, because the narratives were actually very simple.

The idea was that women don’t really want to have sex; they just seek love and a partner who can take care of them. Men, on the other hand, want sex and validation and use love as a way to get that from women. Women are responsible for saying no to sex or providing it to those who are entitled to it. A man’s goal is to get access to women’s bodies. If he does, he is revered as capable and masculine, and it kind of didn’t matter so much whether he got that access through seduction, emotional manipulation, wealth, or even force.

This narrative was presented to me from every angle: romantic movies, jokes, the sexuality education I received. It was implicit in the articles in Cosmo and Maxim, song lyrics, and even the academic writings of evolutionary psychologists.

I don’t believe the sources of that narrative meant to harm. I don’t think the writers at FHM were actively thinking, “let’s completely remove all sexual agency from women and actively contribute to a culture that normalizes and excuses sexual assault.” I don’t think that a bunch of ad execs were sitting around a table saying, “I want women to feel preoccupied with being assessed as sexual objects and for men to be completely disengaged from their own emotions and unable to have healthy, intimate relationships.”

I think they were, like all of us, steeped in a culture that is ignorant. We had not yet realized that we need to wash the metaphorical germs off our metaphorical hands.

I was mad about all of this for a very, very long time. But that anger didn’t actually make me feel better and sometimes it was a barrier in being able to educate others. To move forward in my own life, I now embrace forgiveness: for all my favorite movies that told me it was ok to ignore boundaries and be emotionally manipulative for the sake of “love.” I forgive popular songs for normalizing treating people as objects. I forgive my school for assuming we were all straight, cisgender and wanted to get married and work in finance or whatever.

And I try to forgive myself for the ways I was a real douchebag too, hurting people’s feelings and making choices that today fill me with disgust. As a bisexual girl, I internalized both the messages about what to expect of men but also how to treat the women I dated. There weren’t many models of how I, a femme, should approach and romance another femme. So I took a page from the book of the straight dudes whom I thought -at the time- were cool. I was aloof, played games, was inconsiderate of boundaries, and ghosted on perfectly lovely humans. I’m filled with embarrassment at the thought of it now.

Forgiveness doesn’t make any of those actions OK. It’s just saying that no one benefits from carrying around icky anger and shame forever, hauling around baggage like it’s a trove of treasures.  We have all been harmed and we’ve all harmed, but we have to keep going. This requires acknowledging that we were wrong and committing to doing better.

A lot of Men’s Rights Activists (and conservatives in general) have a hard time with this. We may have been reared in a similar environment: same country, maybe the same religion or time frame. But instead of grasping that perhaps the culture’s framework around gender was wrong, they double down. Effectively it’s like saying: “if I start being concerned about germs getting me sick now, all the times I didn’t wash my hands: I was being stupid. And it means the sources of information I’ve trusted all my life might be wrong, which makes me feel uncertain and anxious. And we can’t have that.”

When we realize we’ve messed up, the next stop on the train is owning up and making amends. This is critical if we are going to continue to be connected to the person harmed, but a good idea regardless. Apologizing isn’t just about clearing the slate, but about rebuilding trust and establishing myself as a person who is worthy of their time and capable of learning and growing. Doing the work of being vulnerable in this way and attempting to repair damage not only demonstrates to others that we’re serious, but the act is a commitment to our future metaphorically hand-washing selves.

So what should my apology look like?

  • It requires a display remorse for having harmed the other person- which is categorically different than being regretful that they’re upset with me.
  • Admit responsibility- acknowledging that harm came from my action, regardless of what I intended or why I didn’t think it would be harmful at the time. Explain that I understand what was wrong about the action from their perspective, validating their experience. Skip excuses, minimizing or derailments about how I too have been harmed.
  • Attempt to make amends, thinking carefully about what I can do to set the situation right. Let them offer a solution to fixing what was damaged.
  • Offer assurance that it won’t happen again and then make an actual plan to avoid a recurrence. 

All of this should be offered directly and privately to the harmed person and we have to be ready to hear that they don’t accept the apology. And then we go from there, rededicated to the gameplan.

So what does this mean for flirting, seduction, and managing boundaries now?

First, we can make sure we are clear on the basics of consent, regardless of gender. Most of us get the idea that “no” means “no,” but we’re still working on affirming a “yes,” even in the small ways: offering touch before doing it, even ensuring that people feel free to leave a conversation.

Planned Parenthood has a great acronym for explaining consent: the FRIES model. They explain consent is:

  • Freely given
  • Reversible
  • Informed
  • Enthusiastic
  • Specific

All our choices must be made freely: without fear of repercussions for saying no, without coercion or the influence of drugs or alcohol. We can revoke consent at any time, even if we have said yes already or engaged in an act before. We communicate and agree on things like condom usage or how we’re going to navigate a risky act and ensure everyone is genuinely on board with what’s happening, not just going along.

This requires that we be truly attentive to the other person, staying present and looking for signs of their enjoyment or annoyance, anxiety, even zoning out. Basically: stay engaged in the conversation (or sexual act) and adjust according to their feedback.

It sounds like a lot of thinking and work. And to be real: it is. But rather than making sexuality more serious or stressful, this model of ongoing communication can make flirting and sex a lot more pleasurable: treating it as a creative, exploratory act, not a competition with a goal. We can derive pleasure from our partners’ pleasure, and collaborate together on flirting or sexual acts, approaching it less like a hunter and prey and more like musicians in a jam session.

And we’re not alone in this endeavor. Not only are there plenty of workshops available (shout out to my friend Vonka who teaches femme flirting), but lots of websites (including this one!) and articles and people you can hire to talk you through this process! 

And yes, we’re going to mess up and make awkward missteps. Knowing that it’s part of the process: we’ll apologize, try to set things right and do better going forward. We will also be rejected at some points. But when we approach with a different framework: the idea that sexuality and flirting are ways in which adults can have fun -not as inescapable fates of biology or the source of our validation- we’re liberated. And when we acknowledge that we have much more to learn -and always will- we’re preparing ourselves to adapt more easily.

Going forward, I’m going to be less interested in being “good at flirting” and more interested in being good at listening and showing interest in others. It seems like a good start.

 

Dr Timaree Schmit has been a sex educator for more of her life than not and is on this planet to bring rational, sex-positive, empirically-based knowledge about sexuality to audiences everywhere. She works as an adjunct professor, guest lecturer, writer, consultant, and host of the Sex with Timaree podcast and co host of DTF: Darryl and Timaree Fun Hour podcast. She is the LGBTQ and Sexuality affairs contributing writer for Philly Weekly and a long-time community organizer in the queer performance scene, and advocate for sex workers rights.

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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