Long time reader, first time writing in. My fiancé (22) and I (23) have been together for a lovely 5 years, have never had a single fight and have been fairly good at communicating. Our wedding is scheduled for mid next year and we have of course got into the intensive planning phase.
One of the mistakes a lot of people make is that they assume that social success is a binary. Either you’re good with girls or you aren’t and there’s nothing you can do about it. But the good news is: that’s not true. Dating, being more successful with women, even just being more socially fluent is a skill that you can practice, and if you can practice it, you CAN get better at it. And you can learn to improve those skills quickly by breaking things down and practicing those skills individually… and integrating that practice into your day to day life.
- How to make practicing social skills faster and more efficient
- How to master making strong eye-contact
- The secret to learning better non-verbal communication
- Why practicing awareness leads to stronger social skills
- The secret to beating approach anxiety
…and so much more.
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Dear Dr NerdLove
Since I was a kid I was always very sensitive, and would tear up or outright cry whenever someone said something even slightly mean about me. I was bullied a lot when I was younger.
I’m 23 now and at least when someone says mean things about me, I know better to laugh it off, or quip something in reply.
However, despite all the advice I’ve read that says to “not take it so seriously” or “not let it get to me”, I just can’t help but feel hurt inside at that point in time (almost similar to me as a kid, just that I’ve gotten better at hiding it). After thinking about it, I realized that I feel the way I feel because of either of 2 things:
1) Automatic thoughts. Sometimes, when someone says something mean about me (no matter how absurd the insult may be) I would still get an automatic thought inside going “Hey, there may be SOME truth to it, no smoke without fire”. This would be quickly followed up with “If you were a better person, they wouldn’t have made fun of you like this in the first place”.
2) Their words unintentionally making me remember a time when I had actually screwed up in a similar manner and thus making me relive the embarrassment/humiliation/etc of that past occasion.
So I would like to ask, the next time I find myself in this situation, what should I do instead to maintain an unflappable attitude?
No More Tears
I want to talk to you about fear – especially the fears I see crop up around dating. Success in dating, after all, is 80% internal, 10% external presentation and 10% skill. When you want to improve your dating life, you have to start working from the inside out. This includes dealing with your dating fears. No matter how much work you put into your wardrobe or your banter, not facing down your dating fears will sabotage your progress.
The problem is that for many guys, those fears become the reason why they don’t progress. They want to avoid triggering those dating fears and become risk-averse. They throw away their shot because they see the risks as being too high. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a warm approach or cold approach situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s at a party or a coffee shop. Unless they’re 100% assured of success – or at least, a lack of failure – they don’t want to take a chance. After all: if you don’t fail, then you can live with the idea that you could succeed if you really felt like it. In the meantime, you get to enjoy the warm feeling of setting your dreams on fire.
However, it’s in avoiding failure that they ultimately cause themselves to stagnate. If we never take those risks, we lose our ability to overcome adversity. Failure is how we build those emotional hit-points that let us keep going after we fuck up. By risking rejection, we learn that rejection isn’t fatal. We court failure in order to learn how to recover from it. It’s in falling that we learn how to get up again.
So let’s look at some of your most common dating fears and how to overcome them.
Let me talk about myself, I’m a international student studying in an Uni abroad and I’m kinda bad holding out conversation and sometimes I’m trying to overcompensate the whole thing by making things a bit awkward, and then I’m having breakdowns because I feel like everything that I do is my fault.
Over a year ago, I met this girl at my university and at that time we weren’t really close. There’s one time when I’m conversing with her, I was really bad at trying to make jokes so I decided to tell her one of my drunk story which makes her uncomfortable and she started to distance me.
Over the times I’ve becoming more aware that she have been around with the friends that I had and I’ve been freaking out that because I feel like when I’m just couldn’t able to talk to people, avoiding people with her is what I’ve been doing and I hate myself for not able to tell her how I want to be not be awkward around her again.