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What Do You Do When There’s ONE Person in your Friends Group You Can’t Stand?

February 3, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

How do you handle a mutual acquaintance that is just too mutual? I met many friends through my local frisbee club two years ago. The club friendships blossomed into separate gatherings for parties, trivia, and movie watching. These are my main group of people who I love to hang out with……and Tiffany.

Tiffany is a long-standing group member who has known many of my close friends for much longer than I have. She even lives down the street from one of them and works with another. Most group events involve Tiffany in some fashion since she’s close to everybody in the group besides me.

I find it difficult to hang out with her, since she is my total personality opposite. Tiffany is an anxious extrovert, while I am a decisive introvert. I could throw a frisbee around for hours, while she mainly plays frisbee as an excuse to talk to people. Tiffany hates competition and I love trash talk and close games.

Every time I see she’s attending a group event I’m at, I let out a huge sigh. Events with her have been marked by people missing amazing frisbee throws, since she had to show the crowd a video right this second. I was bantering back and forth with a friend in the middle of a course, and Tiffany has to chastise me for being “too mean”. She’s super chatty and has known most of these people 5 years longer than I have. This leads to me feeling left out of conversations, since I don’t know enough to keep up with what’s being discussed.

I know I have no right to kick Tiffany out of the friend group, since she’s not an awful person. I just need a better way to accept we will never be best friends and deal with the fact Tiffany will be at most group events in the foreseeable future.

Overlapping Circles

[Read more…]

How Do I Stay Social During The COVID-19 Quarantine?

May 4, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

First off, thanks for the great work you do! Without you, nerds would probably be a dying breed 🙂

I’m a 37 year old cis man, who recently turned his life around. I have a mild form of autism and have never been very outgoing or socially savvy. After briefly living on my own during college, I moved back in with my parents. I was bullied at school when I was
young, and I think this left deep scars, I have always had feelings inferiority somehow.

I led a mostly solitary life with few friends (with my circle of friends dwindling as the years went by) and no hobbies to speak of besides tinkering on my computer and the usual things like watching movies and series. I’d never even so much as kissed a girl. Expressing my interest in a girl was something I thought was scary as hell. In retrospect, there had been a few opportunities but I was either too scared to act on them, or too oblivious to even RECOGNISE them. All in all, I was a lonely virgin loser. All the while I was employed and saved quite a bit of money. I wasn’t overweight, had decent personal hygiene and dressed fairly well. I’m also highly intelligent. This made no sense to me at all and I felt rather raw about it. In retrospect it’s obvious: if you keep to yourself, you won’t find a partner. As I grew older, I often despaired that I would die alone and unloved, and I spent way too much time feeling sorry for myself. I think I might have been depressed without realising it… 

Then one day, I got a colleague who acted friendly towards me. This made me realise that I could actually MAYBE get a girlfriend. I decided I wanted to attract her, but I was completely out of my depth and totally blew it due to my fear, neediness and overall lack of experience. I couldn’t even get her on a date.

It took a year to get over her, or rather the sting of not being able to attract her. However, this colleague was the kick in the ass that I needed to improve my life. I bought a house of my own, started working out, took up meditation and martial arts, and read a lot about “game” and body language. I stopped watching porn cold turkey. Occasionally I’ve attended Meetup groups. I started seeing a psychologist to help me work on understanding how attraction and social relations work, and try to improve my life overall. People noticed and said they don’t recognise me anymore (in a good way).

I’ve stepped way out of my comfort zone and tried cold approach through day game a few times. Overall, I found it pretty gruelling. Nine times out of ten, the reactions are positive but I’ve noticed that most of the women I seem to like are already taken. The few numbers of single women I got never got back to me. It seems like a lot of effort for very little gain. But the idea does appeal to me, the fantasy of becoming a player and beating the odds. But deep down I really just want to find one woman who likes me for me and lead a quiet life. I went on a handful of blind dates through a local agency which organizes these, none of which went anywhere, and also one through a friend. To be honest, I didn’t feel anything at all for most of these women.

But I’m super proud that I finally had sex for the first time last year, which I had not expected ever to happen anymore! This was with a woman from my martial arts class. She was married, and it only lasted a few months. To be honest I did not find her beautiful at all, but she was very much into me. She was truly amazed and honored that I would consider loving her, and she always initiated sex a few minutes after meeting up with me, which I found incredibly hot. I think she saw me as the hottest guy she’s ever known. This has restored some of my fragile self esteem.

But then COVID-19 hit, and I feel like I am back to where I was two years ago, with almost no social contact because everything has shut down. I can’t go to martial arts class or meetups anymore and I feel myself falling back on old patterns and thoughts. It looks like the lockdown will last at least until September in my country, by which time I’ll probably have lost all my gains so far if I can’t practice my social skills and do things that bring me joy. I can literally feel myself backsliding.

I thought about trying day game again, but I decided against it because of social distancing (but it might also be an excuse I tell myself to chicken out). How could one attract a woman now without even being able to offer a basic hand shake? Also, dating is hard with all the social gatherings being closed off. Walking in the park is something you can only do so often before it gets old, and inviting a woman over to come cook with you might be too eager if you do it too soon. I find remote conversations impersonal and you can’t have any physical intimacy this way either (and my soul aches for more sexual experiences).

So, to sum up: how can I regain my momentum and avoid sliding back into a depression? I’m again starting to believe that there’s no hope and I loathe the idea of going back after this hard-won victory.

All the best,

Stuck in Neutral

[Read more…]

Episode #137 — How To Have An Amazing Social Life During COVID-19

April 1, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Loneliness is one of the unspoken side-effects of sheltering in place. And yet, we need our social connections more than ever. How can you build and maintain a social life when social distancing is the rule? In my latest live, free seminar, I talk about how to build and maintain those important social connections, meet new people and strengthen the friendships you already have.

Want to take part? The next seminar is on 4/7 at 3 PM CST. Join NerdLove Academy at facebook.com/groups/DrNerdLove to take part!

DOCTOR’S NOTE: So since I did this over Facebook Live, there’s a little funkiness with the audio. I’ve done my best to clean it up but some of it is baked into the episode itself. Sorry ’bout that, we’re seeing what can be done for next time.

SIGN UP FOR THE DATING ACCELERATOR PROGRAM

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Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Episode #132 — The Secret To Being Successful With Women

January 29, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Here’s something nobody will tell you about being successful with women: nobody is “naturally” good with women. Nobody is born with an instinctual ability to get dates. Everyone — people who seem to be naturally gifted and people who learned later in life — all developed their skills the same way.

That’s why all the people who are successful with women have the same things in common. If you want to learn how to have the love life you deserve, then you want to master the four key components to developing the skill to meet, connect with and date amazing women.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • Why “naturals” don’t really exist
  • How people learned the right — and wrong — lessons about how to be good with women
  • Why confidence is a vital part of success with women — but not for the reasons you’d expect
  • Why most people fail when they try to get better at dating
  • What makes the difference between someone who succeeds at dating, and someone who will never improve

…and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

Become Someone Worth Dating – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/become-someone-worth-dating/

Level Up: Face Your Dating Fears – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/facing-your-dating-fears/

Developing An Abundance Mentality – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/leveling-up-abundance-mentality/

Your Attitude Controls Your Dating Success — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/your-attitude-controls-your-dating-success/

How to Use Humor in Your Flirting — https://www.doctornerdlove.com/use-humor-flirting/

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do I Still Struggle With Women?

November 18, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr NerdLove,

In high school, I was basically asexual aromantic (or that’s how I’d have probably identified if those terms were more commonly known then). I didn’t care much about how undressed, looked or ate. I’ve been a chubby guy for basically my whole life, and since I never really cared about romantic or sexual interest, I didn’t really notice or think about my weight beyond health reasons. Despite being 240 pounds and a huge nerd with Asperger’s, I was apparently considered attractive in high school. Four girls asked me out between middle and high school (who I would always say no to since, with a my less keen knack for social skills at the time, I thought it’d be rude NOT to say no if I wasn’t interested) and I even got a “best eyes” accolade in my yearbook to my surprise. So I had always figured that if I had ever tried to start dating I wouldn’t have too much of a problem.

By the time I actually became interested in girls, however, things had changed. I had gained 50+ pounds during college (between stress eating and not really paying attention to my diet), now up in the 290+ range, and despite having improved myself in other ways (hygiene, not just wearing polo shirts with basketball shorts, not blurting out or rambling on about any interest I had at the time constantly/being a bit more reserved), I didn’t have any luck. I managed a few first dates but either they were uninterested or went for someone else completely or eventually went for people like me (nerdy types) but skinnier. Earlier this year I even reconnected with a friend I had been told had a crush on me in high school. She still seemed interested when we first got in touch on Facebook  and there seemed to be a vibe that she was interested. When we met up at a party though, it seemed as though the indications that she was interested in me had faded. While I’m fine with just being friends, I can’t help but feel bad that I may have missed the boat on something good because of my weight.

So this year, now that I had income to spare it, I started investing in getting a girlfriend. Personal trainer, diet shakes, getting on every dating app that seemed decent enough. While my health has improved and my muscles are stronger, my endurance and stamina had greatly improved, I still struggle with actually losing the fat, so my attractiveness physically is about the same. Eventually I did manage a hookup with a girl for a night that was pretty okay, but I wasn’t super attracted to her and I mainly did it so I could actually lose my virginity before 25, and to make all this sunk cost actually end up in something.

Now with some of my older friends and family getting married, and all of them both attractive themselves and marrying someone gorgeous and fit as well, I cant help but start to feel jealous. I mean, I never thought I’d end up with an athlete or supermodel, but the idea of even an average girl being out of reach since, well, I’m way below average, has me pretty bummed out. I feel deep down I could be a great boyfriend/partner/SO/spouse etc, but it feels like the kind of relationship I want to have is both in sight but out of reach, save for waiting till my 30s for someone to settle “below their league” or barring a full Chris Pratt-esque transformation. Going to film festivals and stuff by myself is fun but it’d be more fun if I were doing it with my girlfriend, you know?

TLDR: I’m putting all the effort in but it still isn’t enough to get ahead of even where I was when I wasn’t trying to get a girlfriend.

Sincerely,
Trying My Best

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • fuzzilla LW2: I get the financial aspect, I really do, but that can't be the only thing keeping you in a relationship, especially when you're not even in one but musing on what you'd want in one. I don't...

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