First off, thanks for the great work you do! Without you, nerds would probably be a dying breed 🙂
I’m a 37 year old cis man, who recently turned his life around. I have a mild form of autism and have never been very outgoing or socially savvy. After briefly living on my own during college, I moved back in with my parents. I was bullied at school when I was
young, and I think this left deep scars, I have always had feelings inferiority somehow.
I led a mostly solitary life with few friends (with my circle of friends dwindling as the years went by) and no hobbies to speak of besides tinkering on my computer and the usual things like watching movies and series. I’d never even so much as kissed a girl. Expressing my interest in a girl was something I thought was scary as hell. In retrospect, there had been a few opportunities but I was either too scared to act on them, or too oblivious to even RECOGNISE them. All in all, I was a lonely virgin loser. All the while I was employed and saved quite a bit of money. I wasn’t overweight, had decent personal hygiene and dressed fairly well. I’m also highly intelligent. This made no sense to me at all and I felt rather raw about it. In retrospect it’s obvious: if you keep to yourself, you won’t find a partner. As I grew older, I often despaired that I would die alone and unloved, and I spent way too much time feeling sorry for myself. I think I might have been depressed without realising it…
Then one day, I got a colleague who acted friendly towards me. This made me realise that I could actually MAYBE get a girlfriend. I decided I wanted to attract her, but I was completely out of my depth and totally blew it due to my fear, neediness and overall lack of experience. I couldn’t even get her on a date.
It took a year to get over her, or rather the sting of not being able to attract her. However, this colleague was the kick in the ass that I needed to improve my life. I bought a house of my own, started working out, took up meditation and martial arts, and read a lot about “game” and body language. I stopped watching porn cold turkey. Occasionally I’ve attended Meetup groups. I started seeing a psychologist to help me work on understanding how attraction and social relations work, and try to improve my life overall. People noticed and said they don’t recognise me anymore (in a good way).
I’ve stepped way out of my comfort zone and tried cold approach through day game a few times. Overall, I found it pretty gruelling. Nine times out of ten, the reactions are positive but I’ve noticed that most of the women I seem to like are already taken. The few numbers of single women I got never got back to me. It seems like a lot of effort for very little gain. But the idea does appeal to me, the fantasy of becoming a player and beating the odds. But deep down I really just want to find one woman who likes me for me and lead a quiet life. I went on a handful of blind dates through a local agency which organizes these, none of which went anywhere, and also one through a friend. To be honest, I didn’t feel anything at all for most of these women.
But I’m super proud that I finally had sex for the first time last year, which I had not expected ever to happen anymore! This was with a woman from my martial arts class. She was married, and it only lasted a few months. To be honest I did not find her beautiful at all, but she was very much into me. She was truly amazed and honored that I would consider loving her, and she always initiated sex a few minutes after meeting up with me, which I found incredibly hot. I think she saw me as the hottest guy she’s ever known. This has restored some of my fragile self esteem.
But then COVID-19 hit, and I feel like I am back to where I was two years ago, with almost no social contact because everything has shut down. I can’t go to martial arts class or meetups anymore and I feel myself falling back on old patterns and thoughts. It looks like the lockdown will last at least until September in my country, by which time I’ll probably have lost all my gains so far if I can’t practice my social skills and do things that bring me joy. I can literally feel myself backsliding.
I thought about trying day game again, but I decided against it because of social distancing (but it might also be an excuse I tell myself to chicken out). How could one attract a woman now without even being able to offer a basic hand shake? Also, dating is hard with all the social gatherings being closed off. Walking in the park is something you can only do so often before it gets old, and inviting a woman over to come cook with you might be too eager if you do it too soon. I find remote conversations impersonal and you can’t have any physical intimacy this way either (and my soul aches for more sexual experiences).
So, to sum up: how can I regain my momentum and avoid sliding back into a depression? I’m again starting to believe that there’s no hope and I loathe the idea of going back after this hard-won victory.
All the best,
Stuck in Neutral