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You are here: Home / Archives for social skills

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Make Friends In A New City?

January 4, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc, at some point next year, I plan on moving to a new city to start a graduate degree program. I’m cautiously optimistic about this, as it’ll give me a chance to create a new social network and meet more new people; however, as it stands right now, I’m lacking a social life.

I’m 27 years old and have never had a girlfriend, and I’ve also never really had a close, tightly-knit group of platonic friends; mostly acquaintances. Once I move and attempt to make closer friendships, I’ll inevitably have to admit to these people about how I’ve never really had any close friends. I know that you’ve explained that when admitting something about yourself that people may not like, such as being a virgin (which I also am), you don’t try to show that you’re embarrassed or shameful, but it’s easier said than done. Plus, people talk about their friends constantly, whether they’re old friends or current ones, and if don’t, it’ll stick out like a sore thumb. If I ever have to explain that I’ve never had much of a social life, how do I rationalize or explain it in the best possible way?

Furthermore, when attempting to build a new social circle, I’m uncertain about what ages of people (and gender, as well) to focus on meeting. I’ll be studying speech-language pathology, which is mostly girls. I know this’ll give me a great chance to practice talking to women, but I’m not certain as to how well I could relate to most of them, because I’ll be 28 when I start the program, meaning most of the girls will be much younger than me, and it won’t be as easy to relate to them, seeing as we’re in different stages in life. For the record, I want to mainly focus on building my social circle, and if a relationship develops from it, that’s great. Still, I want other friends as well outside of college. I know there are plenty of other ways to build my social circle, but it’s generally been hard for me to relate to many of my fellow millennials throughout my life. At the same time, though I always found it a little odd trying to make friends with those who are 10 or more years older than me, even though some of our interests may be more compatible. (I like a lot of older TV shows and movies, and particularly love 60s rock music that isn’t just The Beatles.) I’m sure you’ll say something like how I shouldn’t care if there winds up being a significant age difference or a significant amount of girls in my social circle, as long as there’s mutual compatibility, but how do I just stop questioning this, just go for it, and get out and meet new people without any of these thoughts creeping up in my mind?

One more thing: I’ll be where I am right now for about five or six more months before I move. I want to practice my social skills now so it’ll be easier to meet new people after I move, but since I won’t be here much longer, it’ll be hard to develop close friendships. With all of this in mind, what would be the best way to improve socially in my current locale?

Movin’ On Up

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Ask Dr. NerdLove Tagged With: ask dr. nerdlove, being social, dating, dating 101, dating etiquette, make new friends, new life, social skills

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Tell My Friend About My Crush?

December 21, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey, Doc,

I find myself in an interesting position. I’ve just recently graduated from college, and in the morass that is post-school bullshit, I need some advice with regard to my (admittedly near-nonexistent) love life.

See, I have a friend – let’s call them Alpha – who I got reasonably close with in my last year of school, and we have a lot of the same interests (and issues) in common – we’re both tabletop nerds with heavily self-deprecating senses of humor, we both suffer from some pretty severe anxiety/stress/upwardly fucked brain chemical stuff, and we both have a love of political-heavy sci fi (we have a decently long-running inside joke about House Atreides).

In school, I acknowledged, “hey, they’re real attractive,” but any kind of feelings on my part were muted because A. They were in a very nice relationship with a really great guy and B. any kind of romance/sexual exploration was not on my list of things to solve in school, and my weight and self-esteem issues would have made dating in general unlikely anyway.

But things kind of changed on my part after a mutual friend (and my roommate for half of college) passed away during cancer, and Alpha and I interacted quite a bit and caught up in the aftermath. They and another friend who lives close by said they would be coming to my general area over their break, so we made plans to meet up.

The two showed up, and we had a lot of fun playing tourist in my hometown. I introduced them to my friends, among them a guy we shall call Bravo. Bravo is, shall we say, the flirty type, and so is Alpha; they hit it off pretty quick on that front, and while it didn’t really go anywhere in the end, it was the kick in the nuts that said to me “Oh, shit, I’m really into Alpha. Like, a lot more than I thought.”

Things get even more complicated after the visit, when, afterwards, we start confiding in each other over text. This is my real problem; you’ve probably gotten the usual “don’t want to take The Leap and ruin the friendship” line a quadrillion times, but I think in this case it’s justified – we’ve low key become something of a shoulder to lean on for each other and a confidant, with them telling me they have an easy time talking to me and confiding. A lot of the stuff is a bit heavy, but while I’m not going to share any of it, I will say that I don’t think any of it could be considered “flirty.” It is, however, something that I really do value, and has helped my depressed ass on more than one occasion, and I like to think vice versa.

They also accepted my invitation to come hang out with me and my friends on New Years’ Eve, and when I was later in a bit of a self-loathing slump, they pointed out that they were literally blowing off their family to come see me and my friends on NYE, which kind of shocked me in hindsight.

I suppose the summary of my issue is – I’m crushing hard on a friend who I really want to keep as my friend, and whose support and affection means quite a bit to me. They’ve also had a lot of troubles at school, and have been burned before, so I don’t want to accidentally throw any further fuel on that fire and accidentally “Nice GuyTM” them or something, I just want to be there to help provide emotional support when needed. What’s a nerd to do?

Best,
Badly Conflicted Atreides

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Ask Dr. NerdLove Tagged With: ask dr. nerdlove, avoid the friend zone, can men and women be just friends, dates, emotional intelligence, introverts, social skills, talk to people, talking to strangers, the friend zone

Episode #95 – What Men Get Wrong About Women

October 17, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment


If you’re looking for advice on dating women, then you’re going to find many, many self-proclaimed experts in the female mind. The problem is that most of them are almost entirely wrong. Worse, they 
set men up for failure by insisting on an outlook that puts men and women in conflict. It’s time to talk about WHY men often have a hard time understanding and relating to women… and why it’s so important, if you want to be socially successful.

Show Highlights: 

  • Why so much “advice” about women causes conflict instead of helping to resolve it 
  • How we convince ourselves that we know more than we actually do
  • How the “Men Are From Mars/ Women Are From Venus” dichotomy gets it wrong
  • The REAL reason men and women don’t understand each other
  • What the most successful lovers have in common

…and so much more.

Related Links:

The Myth of What Women Want

5 Simple Ways to Jumpstart Your Life

Detoxifying Masculinity

Understanding The Dangers of Dating

How To Understand Women

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Filed Under: Podcasts Tagged With: communication, podcasts, positive masculinity, self-improvement, social skills, talking to women, understanding women, youtube

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I Have Too Many Men In My Life

September 21, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,
I’m a college student who semi-recently ended the only relationship I have ever been in. After taking a few months to recover, I have gotten over my old relationship, which started in high school. Recently, now that I am single, I am getting a lot of attention from guys, both from ones that I am attracted to and not attracted to. I have ended up in a predicament in which I feel like I have at least three guys (but generally more) contacting me any given day. The guys can generally be categorized as:

1. Guy I had no initial attraction to, but due to not wanting to be seen as shallow, have wanted to reciprocate in case they are actually really cool dudes who are actually my soulmates who would grow on me in time (my ex boyfriend I was not initially very attracted to but after dating him for a while I fell for him)
2. Guy I am not attracted to and have been trying to kindly reject but are generally not getting the hint
3. Guy I am attracted to and he is attracted to me

The second category of guys is the largest for me. Most of these guys I have assumed were interested in a friendship, and only later I have realized they wanted to talk to me because they were attracted to me. The problem is, they are really nice guys and my attempts at telling them that I only see them as friends can go over their heads, no matter how explicit I think I’m being.

The first category I unfortunately lead on for the early stages of my post-breakup life. I assumed men I was attracted to would not ever feel the same way about me and that it would be shallow to not give people a chance based on first impressions. I don’t know how to reject someone after giving them a chance, so it stresses me out whenever I receive a message from or talk to a guy from this category.

The third category of guys stresses me out a lot because of two reasons:

1. I think they are only looking to hook up or they actually are only looking to hook up
2. I think they lose interest or they actually lose interest

I am anxious to go out with guys I am attracted to because I think they are just going to try to sleep with me instead of get to know me more (because they often are). When it comes to actually hanging out with these guys, I generally procrastinate doing so because situations like that make me uncomfortable. If I do actually get up the courage to meet these men, they either lose interest or I think they lose interest and I decide to instead meet some new attractive men to date. Sometimes, however, the guy who I thought lost interest actually didn’t and later contacts me but I already have a guy who I also like too.

My phone keeps blowing up from way too many messages every day, and all I want is to have one guy who I like message me and show me interest and that he actually want to get to know me before giving me a tour of his bedroom. How do I get myself out of this mess I’ve made myself?

Too Much of A Weird Thing

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Ask Dr. NerdLove Tagged With: ask dr. nerdlove, casual dating, emotional intelligence, nice guys, overcome social anxiety, social anxiey, social skills

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did I Make A Mistake Getting Married?

August 27, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’m really curious what advice you may have for me here, just because I think this may simply be an issue where I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it. Nevertheless, I think you’ll ‘get’ it and if nothing else I’m going to use this as an opportunity to get something off my chest.

So first things first. I’m 29, and I just got married. I completely adore my wife, what we have is as real as it gets, and our relationship just ‘works’ for so many reasons. We’re on the same page about not wanting children, and I’m just really happy and proud about the life we’re building together.

A bit of background…we were close friends throughout college. She had several boyfriends and I was obsessing over other girls and doing nothing about it, and we really just never thought of each other in that way until right before graduation when we fell in love and have been together ever since. Another piece of the puzzle here is I was completely celibate during college, not by choice haha. I had a girlfriend for the last 6 months of high school, so I wasn’t a virgin going into college but I just didn’t have my shit together…nerdy before I knew how to make nerdy work for me, massive crushes that I was too scared to act on because I was putting them on such a pedestal and just generally too focused on finding the magic fairytale love story when I should’ve been more go with the flow and open to fun experiences.

Hey, I get it. We all have to live with some regrets, obviously. I can’t change the past. But I have to say, it’s been challenging at times over the last decade seeing things like the rise of swiping dating apps that would’ve made things SO MUCH easier for shy guys like me in college to at least initiate contact, or even just the rise of nerd culture and nerdy things becoming way more socially acceptable. It is hard for my mind not to sometimes ponder how successful I’d be if I were single today. I feel like I’m infinitely more dateable at 30 than I was at 20. I have a stable career, I know how to dress, I think I’m reasonably attractive, I’m not terrified of women anymore and have more sexual confidence– simply put I just have more mileage, better self-worth and am way more comfortable in my own skin than I was in college.

I think it’s probably very normal for married guys to think about the good ol’ days of being single, but I guess my issue is I regret not doing anything with those good ol’ days and sometimes I get a bit freaked out that I will never experience another first kiss or see what my sexual chemistry with someone else might be, or experience the thrill of the chase– no matter how much I love my wife (and I do, and I believe our sex life is healthy). It’s just the curiosity that gnaws at me. I’m not saying I have any plans to do anything, because I really have it great now and definitely don’t want to fuck it all up for something I’d instantly regret. I don’t believe I could ever cheat. I just worry that if I’m feeling this now, will it ever get any better, years down the road? Or will it turn into more of an obsession that eats away at me? I really don’t want to feel resentment about my marriage. I try to stay focused on all the positives. I know for a fact that a lot of my married friends have similar regrets, and I wonder about how common of an issue this is overall.

I’ve done research into open relationships and “hall passes” and honestly…while I love the idea in theory of getting a small window of time try and sew a few wild oats and get that out of my system (I’d be be willing to reciprocate that)…at the same time, I know all those paths have significant risks and downfalls, and based on comments she’s made in the past I don’t think she’s open to that. So me even trying to broach that subject would probably just be hurtful and pointless. She’s not a jealous type, we have a lot of trust in our relationship, but I think her hearing that I’m even daydreaming in those terms may be a shock to her and I really don’t want to hurt her just because I’m having a quarter life crisis. And it’s not only about wanting some strange (although that certainly factors in). I’ve thought a lot about it, and honestly I think I just also just craving the validation that yes, I can be desirable to other women too and to see if I’d have any ‘game’ now, because I had 0 before…I’ve literally never asked a girl out on a date in my life. I’ve never been on a first date with someone who I wasn’t previously friends with. It’s not that it’s a bad thing, but I guess it just feels like there’s this whole side of myself and the dating world that I never got a chance to explore.

It’s quite possible there is nothing to be done here except for me to just suck it up, be grateful that I have something that most singles are looking for, and move on. But these thoughts have gotten frequent enough that I wanted to take the first step of acknowledging that there may be a problem here.

Thanks,

Fear of Missing Out 

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Ask Dr. NerdLove, Relationships Tagged With: ask dr. nerdlove, marriage, monogamy, regrets, relationship maintenance, sexual attraction, social skills

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • SmallSolider I live with my parents, bringing home condoms and having them in the house is going to raise questions As for the never, I mean, I guess I won't say absolutely never, but it's pretty close to never...

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I’m Too Frustrated To Date! ·  February 18, 2019

  • aennilla That's a self fulfilling prophecy if I've ever seen one. You don't believe it's going to happen, therefore you live like it's not going to happen, and as a surprise to no one: it does not happen....

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I’m Too Frustrated To Date! ·  February 18, 2019

  • TinySoprano Oh absolutely. The specific one I encountered was very pleased with himself without the skill level to match. If someone was self-aware and sensitive with the use of their lovecraftian horror-sized...

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I’m Too Frustrated To Date! ·  February 18, 2019

  • SmallSolider Those aren't really the same thing though. It's not like I can just trip and oops, consensual sex just happens.

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I’m Too Frustrated To Date! ·  February 18, 2019

  • Robin van Steenbergen I hope you emphasize on the "proudly" there, because there are larger-endowed dudes out there who are perfectly aware of the fact that most women are not size queens and that sex is nowhere near what...

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I’m Too Frustrated To Date! ·  February 18, 2019

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