Doctor’s Note: today’s column involves some generalized discussion of sexual assault.
I’ve put together a profile that represents me well and that women seem to like. I get matches and messages from people who seem really cool. The problem is, I can’t sustain a conversation. I get two or three exchanges, maybe half a dozen, and they just vanish. It’s pretty clear to me that I have no idea what people want to hear.
I promise I’m not being creepy. I’m probably just being boring. I think I’m asking pretty reasonable ‘get to know you’ questions. “Are you from here? What do you think of this town?” “I’m excited about this plan I have, what are you up to?” “You like this genre of music. Do you know this artist? You’re in for a treat. (or You do? You’re cool!)”
I try to express an interest in their lives, while showing that I also have an interesting life. It’s not working, and I really don’t have any idea why. I don’t even enjoy getting a match anymore, as I know how exactly what is going to happen. I’ve been at this all year and only had one date out of at least 30 matches.
I know teasing is an important part of flirting. But I can’t do it. I’m way too genuine. I don’t even shit talk my closest friends, and I don’t know why I’d want to. One woman I dated suddenly exclaimed “Oh! You don’t know when I’m bullshitting you!” and vanished shortly after. Is this my problem? Do people want to hear bullshit from a stranger they want to like?
I’m pretty well stuck, and it’s taking it’s toll on my confidence. How can I learn to do this better? Are there transcripts of conversations I could study?