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You are here: Home / Archives for talking to men

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, My Brother’s A Red-Pill Troll

October 4, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

My brother is very anti-feminist and I (a feminist woman) hate it. Any attempts that I give to explain feminist issues to him results in him pouting and resolving that men have more disadvantages than women and that feminism is unfairly targeting men.

For example, just today he went on a rant about how extreme feminists were going to put all men in concentration camps if they ever came into power, that everything bad that’s ever happened in the world is men’s fault, that feminism does nothing but reduce all men to nothing more than violent sex-drived beasts who can’t control themselves, and on and on he went.

When I recommended he read about feminism from actual feminists he threw a fit about how he wasn’t going to understand it because men and women can’t possibly relate to each other. When I tried to read some pieces from your website about toxic masculinity to him he got angry and went on a rant about how men are basically useless and they’re easily replaced and his rants are just nasty in general.

I tried to stress to him that while I firmly believe that there are men’s issues that deserve sufficient attention and work (such as the high suicide rate for men) that there are many more female issues that deserve just as much attention and validity (like the high rate of sexual assault and murder, wage gap, lack of representation in politics and science fields, etc). He didn’t want to hear it.

He’s slowly driving me insane and I don’t know how to convey to him the relevance of feminism without having him shut down on me. Can you help me out?

Signed,

Fed up Feminist

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Ask Dr. NerdLove Tagged With: detoxifying masculinity, feminism, handling rejection, persuasiveness, positive changes, rejection, sexism, sexist beliefs, social skills, talking to men, the red pill, toxic masculinity

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Approach A Stranger on Social Media?

November 12, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Dr. NerdLove,

I got out of my one and only relationship (of seven years) four years ago. It left me really damaged and it took both a physical and mental toll on me. I’ve been spending the past three years building my confidence back up. I’ve been working with a therapist for a while and last year I got bariatric surgery to lose some of the weight I put on. I’ve improved a lot, but I realize that it is time to take off the training wheels, so to speak, and I’m rather nervous about that.

One of my biggest problems has been putting myself out there. I’ve recently decided to join a recreational sports program to try and give it a go. I ended up meeting a guy there who was really funny and sweet and he got me out of my shell pretty quickly. We had about an hour of downtime between games and he hung out with me and had a great conversation. It was animated and perhaps even a little flirty. At one point he said that he wanted to give me his number so I could send him a video we were talking about, but we were called to play a match so he never did end up giving me his number. After the event was over, a bunch of us went to an after party at a bar. The whole group hung out there for a while until people started to leave little by little. The guy came up to me to say goodbye and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and left.

This guy left such a good impression with me that I felt compelled to track him down. I found his work email and his Facebook pretty easily, but now that I have this information, I question if I should reach out to him at all. I know men are not used to being approached by women and I don’t want to come off as creepy or stalkerish because I tracked down his contact information. I also keep questioning if I had read the situation correctly to begin with. I have a bad track record of misinterpreting friendliness for flirting, and the last thing I want to do is create a reputation of being “that desperate creepy girl” at a rec league that I enjoy and very much want to keep attending. So Doc, am I misinterpreting this guys interest, as I always do? And if I did get it right, would it be creepy for me to reach out to him?

Sincerely,
Forever Confused

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Ask Dr. NerdLove Tagged With: approaching men, ask dr. nerdlove, facebook, social circle, social media, talking to men, talking to women, warm approach

Guest Post: Finding Your Inner Catwoman

November 11, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove 448 Comments

Doctor’s Note: Hey all. 

One of the frequent requests I get from my readers is to add a little more help specifically for the geeky women out there who have just as hard a time finding love or sex as their male counterparts do. Since my advice is based on my perspective as a guy who’s had to learn how to get better at dating women… well, I’m not going to have the same experiences or frustrations. But rather than let everyone hang, I’ve asked my friend Arden Leigh to help out. So without further ado…

Hello, lovely lady-followers of Dr. NerdLove! This week, the Doctor has been kind enough to loan me his platform from which to speak to you all. Let me introduce myself. My name is Arden Leigh, and I am the author of The New Rules Of Attraction and the founder of The Sirens Seduction Forum For Women. My calling in life is to help women turn their wildest romantic wishes into reality, and Dr. NerdLove himself asked me if I would come on here and give his female fellowship a few pointers on how to make all their sexiest dreams come true.

 

Well hello there...
Well hello there… (photo credit: Ron Douglas)

I do this work because for a long time I was completely clueless as to how to create for myself any kind of love life at all. I had my first kiss at age 17 — with my openly gay male best friend. I didn’t have a boyfriend (or even have sex) until I was 22. And lest you doubt my nerd cred, I grew up playing D&D, I spent my afternoons in high school on the speech and debate team, and my cat is named Wesley after Ensign Crusher on TNG.

Me and Wesley are ON IT!

  [Read more…]

Filed Under: Advice, Sex Tagged With: dating advice, meeting men, Pick-Up Artist, picking up men, self-confidence, talking to men

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Dancing On My Own

July 3, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove 73 Comments

Hello, Doctor! 

First of all, I would like to thank you for your wonderful articles which I find very helpful even though I am a girl. I found out that I have never given much thought to some issues that you addressed in them. For example, after reading about creeper behavior and that poor girl who was so awfully verbally assaulted in subway my first thought was “Never get on a subway in the USA!” but then I realized with a start that similar things were going on in my country as well. But I guess I just took them as some kind of law of nature: if you are a girl riding in a subway late you just bound to be hit on by a drunkard and there is no escaping it. It never occurred to me to think about it as an issue which can be fought against before, more like something inevitable, which you can’t change anyway so you just have to deal with it. 

It’s not the reason I decided to write to you though, I would like to ask for an advice. How to look less intimidating and scary and more open and friendly? Interested in dating in general? 

Thing is, I am 21 years old virgin who have never been in romantic relationship before. I suppose I am late bloomer – I haven’t been interested in guys, dating and sex until very recently. There also have never been many guys around (my majors both in the University and high school were to do with liberal arts which meant that most of my class-mates were girls) so I am kind of not used to communication with them and to be honest a little bit afraid of them. 

But apparently they are afraid of me even more. Or so I’ve been told many times. It appears that by first impression I always look like I am made of ice or iron, very reserved and strict as if I am silently judging everyone and generally hard to approach. Which is not true at all, I am very happy if people approach me at parties and the likes and love to meet new people in general. Still, it seems guys of my age find courage to talk to me only after consuming lots of alcohol. (Older men is another story though, I’ve been told that I usually behave not like my age but much older and that seems to attract men over 40 who usually have wives already). 

How to change that? Smile to everyone around me? Change something in body language? 

Also, many people seem to assume that I already have a boyfriend. Maybe I look so uninterested that people think that I’m already attached? What one should do to show that they are interested in dating? 

I don’t think that I am unattractive, rude, mean or that socially awkward yet I am single. My parents and friends pressure me a little bit to find someone and maybe I do feel a little lonely while watching romcoms and yearn for some affection. That’s why I decided it’s time to do something about the impression I have on people so when I finally make myself go to those magic places where you can meet a lot of single guys I keep hearing about I’ll be ready. 

I would appreciate any advice and would like to thank you in advance! 

PS: I am sorry for bad grammar; English is not my native language. 

Iron Lady

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Advice, Ask Dr. NerdLove Tagged With: ask dr. nerdlove, dating, dating on the cheap, lifestyle, logistics, Meeting Women, talking to men, talking to women

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Stacking The Deck

February 20, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove 23 Comments

Hi Dr. Nerdlove. Can you help? 

There is a guy who is attractive and as a gay person I find it difficult to tell if others are gay. We “jokingly” flirting and I’m not sure if he is serious or not. He doesn’t know that I’m gay. How could I find out? How can I ask without revealing my sexuality?

Jammed Gaydar

This is a tough one in some ways. In an ideal world, I’d tell you “just ask him out” and let the chips fall where they may. Unfortunately, this isn’t an ideal world and for many gay men and women, asking someone out can be a genuine risk to their personal safety; I have several gay friends who live in areas where “gay panic” is still considered a viable legal defense for assault.

Now that having been said, if you and this guy have been jokingly flirting back and forth, then I’m willing to bet that if he’s not gay, then he’s at least someone who isn’t going to freak out if you mention that maybe he’s kinda givin’ off the gay vibe a little. Homophobes and other assholes who fear being mistaken for closet cases aren’t the ones who’re going to be willing to indulge in some flirty banter with another dude. They’re usually the most dedicated of the gender police, wanting to make sure everybody knows just how much they luuuuurve the pussy.

Now, how do you find out if someone is gay without giving away your sexuality? It’s fairly simple: you just ask. “Hey, just out of curiosity, are you gay?”

How do you find out if someone is gay without giving away your sexuality and without being kinda rude about it? Slightly more difficult, but again it comes down to using your words. Sure, there are other ways you could go about finding out. You could check who’s on Grindr in your vicinity or troll through the gay and bi listings on OKCupid and see if his profile pops up. You could hang around the gay bars in your area and see if he happens to wander in for the two-for-one drink specials and buffalo strips. You could try telling stories about exes and seeing if he’s going to play the pronoun game.

But honestly, I’d recommend just asking him. “Hey, I know we kinda joke back and forth and that’s cool but I’m kinda getting a vibe here and you seem like you might be into guys? I mean, it’s cool either way, I’m just curious.”

And like I said: I understand why you might want to keep your sexual orientation under wraps but if he’s the type who’s willing to flirt with another guy – even jokingly – I’m more than willing to bet that he’s not going to freak out over the fact that you’re gay, even if he isn’t.

Good luck.


 

Dear Dr. Nerdlove,

 I am an average geekboy looking for love. Okay, not quite average. For one, I’m looking to find love with another geekboy. For two, I’m transgender. I used to be The Nerd Girl who a lot of guys idolised, which was awkward for all parties, because she didn’t exist – I was pretending I could be the perfect girl as much as they were.

 Now, well, I’m in my twenties and I’m happier in my body and I’m lonely. I want a boyfriend. But I don’t know how to find one. Where are the actual gays among the guys who just call things gay? And moreover, how can I find a nice gay geek boy who doesn’t treat my gender issues as an intellectual exercise to be pondered, explored, and constantly discussed – I’m not a science project.

Shouldn’t Be This Hard

There are plenty of bi and gay geeks out there. Many of them may keep their heads down a little since geekdom still has a problem with gender norms and sexual identity, but they’re definitely there to be found.

I’m going to be honest: it may be a little difficult at first finding someone who’s totally blase about someone being trans; even in this day and age, it’s fairly uncommon and even people who are cool with it in concept may not have had much exposure to the practical realities of it. As a result, they may want or need a little time to wrap their heads around some of the more obvious questions and may not realize that they’re making you uncomfortable by treating you as The Representative For All Trans People. You may need to be a little patient at first – sometimes the well-meaning don’t realize that they’re being a little intrusive and need the occasional prodding to get the point – but don’t be afraid to set some firm boundaries.

All of which is well and good but doesn’t necessarily help on a practical level. The first thing I would tell you is that you’re going to have better luck in larger cities; if you’re living in Bumblefuck, Arkansas, you may very well find that the total gay population is in the single digits. Just based on sheer population, the more people who live there, the more gay men there will be. Certain cities are going to have a larger and more vibrant gay population – New York and San Francisco obviously, but also Seattle, Portland, Austin, Houston, Phoenix and Boston all have significant gay communities. The larger the communities, the more gay geeks you’re going to find. In addition, the more liberal and cosmopolitan the city, the more likely that you’re going to find a population that’s going to treat your gender identity as a non-issue.

The next – and really, obvious – step is to get involved in the geek community, especially in an organizational role. If there’s a convention held in your area, getting involved with that can be a good way of getting to know lots of geeks really damn fast. Like I’ve said before: the more you involve yourself in your passions, the more you’re going to meet people who share those passions and who you’re going to be compatible with. Even if you’re not necessarily meeting people who are boyfriend material right off the bat, you’re going to be meeting cool people who will also know cool people and can introduce you to them.

Beyond that, I recommend that you pursue online dating – after all, you can screen for geeks or the geek-curious very easily in your profile. OKCupid is an obvious choice, but you may also want to look into dating sites for people who are specifically looking for (or open to) dating trans men like buckangeldating.com (Disclaimer: I can make no claims about the quality of the site. It seems oriented more towards hookups than dating necessarily, so caveat emptor). I don’t recommend sites that pay for membership – they have a financial incentive to trick you into thinking there are more active profiles than there really are.

It can take some time and effort but if you stack the deck as much as possible (big city, online dating, involvement in the geek community) in your favor, you’ll start meeting some awesome geekboys soon.

Good luck.


 

Hey Doc, I’ve never made out with a girl and I’m 19 turning 20 this year.

My biggest fear (besides it never happening) is that once I do, I’ll be so embarrassingly horrible that I’ll completely turn the girl off because I assume she’ll have more experience than me. This makes me especially afraid to even try anything with a girl that I might want to date because even if I do get that far it’ll just blow up in my face. Do you have any tips or advice? Thanks for reading, I hope to hear from you soon.

N00B3

Dude. You’re 19. Chill out. Being inexperienced isn’t a horrible deal-breaker; if it was, nobody would be dating or having sex. We all start with zero experience and stumble our way forward from there. Some of us find partners who are just as inexperienced as we are and fumble our way through the dark together, others find partners who are more experienced and willing to give some guidance and still others learn through trial and error.

Occasionally you will run into an asshole who will treat your being inexperienced as a huge problem. That’s fine: this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that they’re an asshole. Most people aren’t going to freak out if you’ve never made out with anyone before and the ones who do aren’t people you want to date in the first place, so fuck ’em.

The keys to successfully making the transition from noob to experienced is to relax and ready to learn. What you need more than anything else is a willingness to go slow and take direction. No two people kiss the same way or necessarily like the same kissing style – every time with someone new is a learning experience. The best way to avoid awkwardness is to not be overly aggressive or intense; better to keep it light and follow your partner’s lead rather than attacking her face like an overly affectionate golden retriever.

If things do get awkward – you bump teeth, get the nose when aiming for the lips – stay relaxed and just laugh it off. If you don’t act like it’s a big deal, she won’t treat it like a big deal. If you do something she doesn’t like – too much tongue, grabbing the back of the head like a dying man, something – apologize and ask her how she likes to be kissed.

Keep your cool and it’ll all go so smoothly that you’ll be wondering why you were getting so weirded out over it.

 

Filed Under: Ask Dr. NerdLove Tagged With: ask dr. nerdlove, communication, dating, flirting, meeting men, talking to men, virgins

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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