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What Matters the Most In A Relationship?

July 29, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I can’t seem to land on an answer to the question of what’s important, compatibility or chemistry? Logically I know that compatibility is more important to long-term relationship success but is ‘chemistry’ as an idea better left to movies and novels?

I think the reason i’m having so much trouble with this idea is that I grew up as an only child in a household where neither of my parents were particularly affectionate to each other, arguments between them were fairly common and I can’t say I ever really saw any chemistry there. Sometimes they didn’t seem compatible either. I guess I’m happy that they’re still together, even if I can’t shake the feeling that they might be happier apart, but it’s not really for me to say. I just wish I had a better example of what a relationship should look like, so that I could navigate my own easier.

I’m 29 now, and my 20s have been a rollercoaster for relationships. I had one “long term” relationship in my life at 19 that lasted 9 months, was pretty dysfunctional and ended really badly for us both. Afterwards I became really cynical, and my behaviour leaned towards PUA and misogyny, eventually I realised what was happening and that I needed to work heavily on myself and get to therapy.

Now I’ve been single for about 10 years, and honestly I feel pretty good about myself. I’ve grown a self-confidence and self-assuredness that in my early 20s I was really compensating for a lack of. I know what I want for myself as an individual and actively work towards that daily. In the past 5 years, I tried dating again, but the last 4 women I’ve dated (Each for a couple of months) just did not reciprocate in full the intense feelings I had for them and ended things. I also blitzed past some red flags that in hindsight, really should have spelled things out for me.

These intense feelings are what I’ve been categorising as ‘chemistry’ for my entire life, but I cannot name one time where these feelings actually did me any favours in developing a healthy long-term relationship. It always feels more like a drug trip that causes me to act clumsily and out of character and come across as clingy and ultimately cause the breakdown of a relationship rather than give it growth.

I recently met someone on a dating app, we’ve seen each other on average twice a week for over a month. I’m physically attracted to her, the sex is really good for us both and whilst its still quite early to tell, on paper we have shared values and our interests align. But I’m not feeling the usual chemistry that I’ve used to navigate relationships for my entire life, and I just can’t work out whats feeling slightly ‘off’.

She’s demonstrated some clinginess, which I think is partly to do with being off-work during lockdown and having too much free time. The clinginess isn’t a dealbreaker, especially in current times and given my own past, but I’m feeling a bit suffocated whilst I can’t work out what, if anything, I should be feeling towards her. In the past, the teenage-like excitement and euphoria is what motivated me to go the extra mile for someone. Is part of a mature relationship doing that without those feelings at all?

Am I misinterpreting what ‘chemistry’ actually is? Does each individual need to decide for themselves whether to prioritise a relationship of compatibility, or one of chemistry? My gut tells me to keep looking for that spark again, but my past demonstrates that it only ends in unhappiness for me. This could be a really great relationship that blossoms over time, do I just need to ignore the nagging feeling telling me something is missing and commit one hundred percent?

Thanks

Chemical Reaction

[Read more…]

How Do I Stop Being Envious of Other Couples?

July 27, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc,
I am a 22 year old heterosexual guy. For context, I never had a sexual and/or romantic relationship, or any sexual experience of any kind. “Nevertheless” I still consider myself to be fairly sex-positive. Over the last few years I have come across a lot of sex-positivity related content and by now, I think I get most of it: comprehensive sex-education is fundamental, consent is key, I am not entitled to any sexual or romantic attention from anyone, the sex a woman is having has no bearing on her “respectability”, the sex a man has is not a testament to his worth or to the value of his character, and I should not care about other people’s romantic and sexual endeavors.

Yet it seems some part of my brain didn’t get the memo. Whenever I see a couple (whether fictional or real) displaying affection/intimacy, I can’t help but feel varying degrees of resentment and bitterness. It has gotten so strong that even my enjoyment of fiction has been affected: I skipped the Witcher (books, games and TV) series because I get annoyed at how much sexual and romantic attention the main protagonist gets. It may seem inconsequential, but it’s really becoming quite pervasive.

The strange part is, I think I might have had a healthier outlook on the subject in my teenage years, despite completely lacking the “theoretical” knowledge I have now (for example I only learned about consent around age 18, on the Internet). In high school I was attracted to one of my classmates and tried to “seduce” her (as much as socially incompetent and emotionally unintelligent teenager can). When she ended up hooking with someone else, sure I was jealous, but it was really a “the lucky bastard did what I wish I could do” jealousy rather than the bitterness and borderline-hateful envy 22 year-old me would have felt.

The goal would be to attain a mindset in which my lack of sexual and romantic relationships doesn’t taint my perception of others and sexuality in general. There are two options that I feel I should get out of the way first:

-buy the services of a sex-worker to “get it out of my system”. I live in a country where it is legal and could probably do it without too much hassle if I tried. On the other hand, I realize a sex-worker’s job is not to ride negative mindsets out of their clients (to paraphrase one of your videos), and that a x-minutes session of body-part contact probably won’t solve the issue.

-go to therapy. I mention it because with everything I said so far, one would be forgiven to think that I am an “incel”, but I doubt that that description suits me. Apart from what I said above, I would say I am “normal” (in the statistical sense, not the normal=good abnormal=bad sense) enough, with hobbies I (more or less) keep up with and an education that is (more or less) advancing. So I don’t really see what a therapist can do, and I don’t want to waste the time of a therapist who has more pressing patient to attend to. Plus therapy isn’t cheap.

So here comes my question: how does one get rid of such a mindset regarding sexuality and women, before it becomes a hindrance to other people’s well-being and my peace of mind?

Thank you for your answer and your work in general.

Trying to Stay Positive

[Read more…]

Episode #140 — Should You Get Back Together With Your Ex?

April 22, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

With the stress and the chaos of the COVID-19 pandemic, more and more people are reaching out to their exes for comfort, for connection and something more.

But is it ever a good idea to get back with your ex? If you’re thinking of trying to get your ex back — or reaching out to them again — then you need to be able to answer these 5 questions first.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • Why we look to our past relationships when times are hard
  • When an old relationship is better left in the past… and when it’s worth trying again
  • Why it’s so hard to make a relationship with your ex work a second time
  • How to avoid repeating old mistakes and reliving your old break-up
  • Why your ex might be right for you NOW

… and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

How To Deal With Your Ex

Why You Will Never Get Closure

How To Stay Friends After The Break-Up

Ask Dr. NerdLove: We Were On A Break

The 5 Things You Need To Get Over Your Breakup

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

How Do I Tell My Dates I Can’t Have Sex… Ever?

April 20, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I am not sure how to address this problem and I am hoping that you can offer guidance.

I am a single retired male in my 60s. I live alone and have never been married. I would like to date and I would like to be in a relationship. However, sexually ….. I am not able. No, not even with blue pills.

So my question is at what point in a relationship should I bring up this topic? Certainly not when I am introduced, certainly not after we are married.

I want very much to be in a committed long term romantic relationship. I would feel very uncomfortable getting deep enough into a relationship that sex is about to happen, and then stop and explain and apologize and leave her unsatisfied and confused and probable angry at me.

I don’t know how or when to bring this up. It is stopping me from even trying to find someone and I am here by myself unhappily alone.

Your advice would be appreciated.

Thank you very much.

Lacking Important Marital Possibility

[Read more…]

Episode #131 – How To Flirt With Women On Social Media

January 15, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

We live more and more of our lives online, and that means that more of our relationships start there too. But most guys don’t know how to flirt effectively on Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat. If you want to be the guy that women like to talk to and enjoy hearing from, not just another thirsty dude trying to slide into her DMs, then you want to follow these rules for flirting with women on social media.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • The three deadly sins of flirting on social media
  • How to get women to want to respond to YOU
  • Why what you say will affect how she sees you
  • How to be attractive on Facebook and Instagram
  • The right way to get slide into her DMs

…and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

How To Talk To Women on Social Media

5 Secrets To Make People Like You

Make The Right First Impression

5 Common Texting Mistakes Men Make

This Is Why You’re Creepy (And How To Stop It)

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • Giant Stone Head You make a good point there. I think my tendency is more to blame myself if something goes wrong, and to assume I did something wrong. From what you and the Doc are saying, it's best to just take it...

    I’m Great At Getting Dates, So Why Can’t I Find A Relationship? ·  January 21, 2021

  • Giant Stone Head Thanks Dan! I appreciate the feedback. I just think it's discouraging to get a lot of first dates, and not a lot of seconds. I've tweaked things over time to make first dates more casual, something...

    I’m Great At Getting Dates, So Why Can’t I Find A Relationship? ·  January 21, 2021

  • Giant Stone Head Well thanks! I appreciate it. Yeah, it is true that being a homebody makes it really hard to meet people. I've seen a fair number of women using online dating who describe themselves as homebodies,...

    I’m Great At Getting Dates, So Why Can’t I Find A Relationship? ·  January 21, 2021

  • Giant Stone Head ...well setting up Disqus was a bit of an ordeal, but here I am! I'm Lonely in Ohio, to be clear. Anyway, thanks for the response, Doc. I found it useful, although I'm still mulling over what you...

    I’m Great At Getting Dates, So Why Can’t I Find A Relationship? ·  January 21, 2021

  • Belinda "While it’s certainly possible that she has only hazy recollections of that night, it’s more likely that she realizes she may have given you the wrong idea and is trying to shut down the entire...

    My Crush Sends Me Flirty Texts When She’s Drunk. What Do I Do? ·  January 21, 2021

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