talking to women Archives

How Do I Stop Letting My Fear Sabotage My Relationship?

May 16, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc, let me start by saying “Thank you” for your work. It helped me get into dating and relationships when I was terrified of the prospect and provided uplifting-but-no-bullshit advice when I needed it. Now I ask you more directly for advice since a) I haven’t been able to find this topic in your website and b) it might help other readers in the same situation.

Basically, I think I’m struggling with insecure attachment/enmeshment issues. For background, I’ve been in a committed relationship for over three years. My partner is very patient, caring, trusting, and dedicated – but going into our second year, I turned jealous and highly insecure (I concealed it from him, mostly out of shame).

I hated it when he went out with his friends. I had a full-blown panic attack when he didn’t call me after work one night. My day was ruined if he didn’t text me “Good morning” or declined to call me during lunch break. His (female) co-workers felt threatening. An evening he preferred to stay at home resting meant he hated me. I felt totally split – I’d spend a day or two in absolute despair, unable to sleep or focus – and then suddenly “leave the fog,” wondering how I convinced myself that he’s unfaithful, dislikes me, wants to break up, etc.

I didn’t recognize myself. I used to be very independent before we met, having fun dating, spending time with friends and balancing work and college; I was pretty happy. Now I was a helpless, pathetic, depressed mess without him, and when I was with him every ambiguous comment or behavior was fodder for my insecurity.

I saw a counselor for 4 months (the third one in five years for unrelated anxiety and depression) and I’m doing much better today, but there are times I still struggle. Last time he spent the evening with friends I cried half the time he was gone. If he doesn’t want to be intimate I take it personally. Knowing he’s had other romantic/sexual partners and the fact that he (being human) still finds other people attractive leaves my guts wrenching.

I don’t know how to stop. I’ve tried “getting my own life” like joining clubs but it’s hard with my schedule. My friends live 30-40 minutes away and everyone is too busy for weekly meet-ups. I’m too ashamed to discuss it with my partner. I’m on the waitlist for another therapist at my college but the wait is long and other options are unlikely, being uninsured. Sometimes I wonder if being in a relationship is worth the emotional turmoil it’s generating in me.

I know that my low self-esteem and attachment problems have nothing to do with him. I don’t actually think he is unfaithful or uncaring or dislikes me. I feel so embarrassed about how out of control my emotions seem – it’s nothing like the empowered, independent image of myself I try to project.

How do I solve this before I sabotage what we’ve built?

Dependent and Despondent

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5 Mistakes That Keep You From Finding A Relationship

April 20, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

We talk a lot about what it takes to become someone that women want to date – working from the internal to the external, from attitude to presentation. But there’re times when it feels like you’re in a classic Red Queen’s Race: running as fast as you can and getting nowhere.

Man in sportswear walking on a treadmill and looking at his smartwatch at home — “I don’t get it, I’ve been on this for an hour and I haven’t gotten anywhere…”

Sure, you’re putting in a lot of effort to get your presentation down and you’re trying to put yourself out there… so why isn’t it working?

Well the answer is that while you’ve made great strides in some areas, you’ve been neglecting others. In fact, many times, the problem is that you’ve been making mistakes that have actively hindered your ability to meet and date amazing women. What often confuses folks is that these aren’t mistakes that drive women away. Instead, these are mistakes that have hindered your personal development or your ability to connect with people in the way you need to forge a connection. These are foundational problems, ones that undermine both your self-image and your ability to meet and connect with people. You can tweak your style and grooming all you want, hit the gym until your joints give out or chat up as many sexy singles as you can… but if you haven’t fixed these common foundational mistakes, whatever you build is going to come tumbling down around you.

Let’s talk about how to fix some of the most common mistakes that are keeping you from meeting that special someone or someones.

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How To Be Fearless With Women

April 6, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Trying to meet amazing women can be incredibly intimidating, even terrifying. There’s an understandable fear of judgement or rejection, especially since meeting women requires deliberately making yourself vulnerable to a relative stranger. There’s also the understandable worry of what your social success says about you and your worth as a person.

Worried young caucasian man steepling his fingers — And the over-thinking! Don’t forget the constant over-thinking!

However, so much of why it can be so intimidating is because we put unrealistic expectations on ourselves. We feel as though that we need to be “perfect” in order to get people’s interest, and in order to do that we need to know exactly what we’re doing. And we often don’t.

In fact, it’s that sense of not having an explicit road map or set of instructions that leaves them feeling terrified when they even think about trying to meet women. And to be sure: much of this fear comes from trying to avoid the hard stuff – being willing to be vulnerable, being willing to risk rejection and or even humiliation. This is precisely why so many people want scripts and one-size-fits-all rule sets to follow. If you have rules, then success is supposed to be assured… theoretically.

The problem with this outlook is that humans aren’t meat robots that follow algorithms and relationships don’t follow the if/then patterns that scripted routines and “secret seduction technique$” claim. There’s no escaping the inherent messiness of the human condition; accepting that risk is part and parcel of the whole adventure.

But imagine how much easier it would be to date if you weren’t having to fight through the fear first.

Meeting and dating women isn’t about being perfect or knowing exactly how to act at every second of the interaction. Being an incredible catch, the kind of guy that women would be lucky to date, isn’t about technique, it’s about your mindset. When you’re hung up on the outcome, rather than just connecting, you create barriers between yourself and the very people you want to match with. When you have the right outlook and approach to dating and meeting people, you remove the fear and anxiety and let your best and most authentic self shine.

Here’s how to change the way you think about dating and unlock your inner dating Jedi.

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How Do I Talk To Women I Just Met?

March 25, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove: My (30M) biggest issue at the moment is approaching new women.

I have recently moved to a new country and am slowly building my social circles, and have met some amazing women in the process. However, as I am impatient and strive to improve myself and also want to do it for the challenge itself, I have been eyeing cold approaching women in public (daygame, so to speak). I have done that a few times and it went pretty okay, even netted me a date, but still during the conversation I am an anxious wreck. As a wise man once said, the most important step is the next one; but herein lies my problem: after opening, I do not know what to talk about.

For example: “Hey I thought you were cute and wanted to meet you. Hi I am xxx.” “Hi, nice to meet you, I am yyy”. And then? Ask her how her day is going? How does one get from that to a rapport-building conversation that makes it memorable enough for her to want to see me again (if she is receptive)?

Or am I overthinking this? Learning this stuff is important to me since I have gone long enough through life without meeting all these gorgeous women I see daily when out and about, and to change that I know I have to eat some crow first but any little help would be appreciated.

Thanks.

In Search of Lost Opportunities

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Why Am I So Intimidated By Beautiful Women?

March 21, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,
I’m a cis/het male age 30 living in a really booming region of the USA. I have a great job that I’m proud of, my own place, and a small group of close friends of both men and women. As far as hobbies, I’m super into Latin dancing after first picking it up 4 years ago. I attend at least 1 social and 1 class every week. I attend writers’ groups, pub trivia, dinner/drinks groups, hiking groups, hockey games, and lift weights 4x a week among other things. I cook a new recipe every Sunday. I see a therapist twice a month to help with depression. I’m told by just about everyone that I’m good looking and I shouldn’t be worried about people not liking what they see. By most metrics, I’m killing it, socially and life-wise. For the 6 months I tried online dating, I went on 8 first dates. I’ve also never had a girlfriend or had sex due to severe depression and body dysmorphia through my 20s.

However, whenever I meet a women who I’m interested in (as in: I’m actually spending time around her and interested in her, not “ooh she’s pretty”), I get a sinking feeling in my stomach that’s followed by thoughts like “she’s better than you/she doesn’t have to pick you/she can get someone better than you”. It’s really counterproductive and when I actually ask them out, I get some form of no and that voice tells me “told you so”. I think the problem is that once I decide I’m attracted to someone, I place them on a pedestal and I feel crushed under the standards and expectations that I IMAGINE she has, not that she actually has. The reason I listed out all those things in the first paragraph is to illustrate how much I have going on in my life but that voice tells me it’s still not enough to make me “in demand” the same way I often imagine the women I like are.

I need to be comfortable with me as I am right now and not worry about what I lack. I know I shouldn’t build that on top of other peoples’ approval, but is it not a reasonable thing to want? I contend with a lot of negative self talk and worry that 30 is too late. I do a lot of gratitude journaling, meditation, exercise, noting small victories, but it feels like a form of settling for less rather than a (admittedly narrow) definition of success.

I don’t know what to do about these feelings of inadequacy. I have a social life, I get out of the house all the time, I do internal work, I don’t know what else I can do.

Thanks for doing what you do,
Dancing Fool

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