talking to women Archives

How Do I Date When I’m Not Attracted To Other People?

October 22, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,
I’m currently struggling with dating (who would have thought) and specifically with how i could meet someone that I can form a romantic connection with.

I’m a 24 Year old Dude, never been in a relationship, never been on a date, helpless as to why I’ve only ever gotten negative response, blabla, millions of words of advice on your site and others. What I think makes my case a bit weird is that I take a very long time to become attracted to someone. I need to know the person first, and then I could maybe think about romantic attraction.

So far, when looking at dating advice the main thing seems to be “be upfront and immediately communicate what you want” as well as “just be yourself, do your thing, and you will meet someone”. Both of which don’t work for me. I can’t immediately communicate, because I honestly don’t know at that point, and being myself over the last years has proven to not work. I have a lot of very sweet, very nice friends who are women that I wouldn’t want to be without, but that the lack of having a girlfriend is starting to become more of a problem for me over time.

I’ve asked women out occasionally, asked someone to dance in a club, tried online dating because the intentions are clearer when you meet through a dedicated meetup-space. Things like sports clubs and common interests or common friend groups also have not led to any success so far. (that is: success in terms of finding dates).

My question boils down to: how do I meet women to be potentially attracted to if I am slow to be attracted and unlucky in my usual social circles?

Thanks for providing so much insight, hope to hear from you,

Slow Ride

[Read more…]

What’s The Line Between Being Cool And Being Creepy?

October 15, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I saw this video on TikTok and am now trying to figure something out.

@monstersincooperatedReply to @crypticcorvus #fy #foryou #dating #lgbtq #confused #reply #SoFiMoneyMoves

♬ original sound – Cooper

vm.tiktok.com/ZMRoBMVxL

My understanding was that generally, women would rather not be approached by men in just any public setting because they view us always as a potential threat, which I think is totally 100% fair. And I always took that as meaning we should avoid talking to women unless we’re in an appropriate time or place, which is somewhere more social than a coffee shop. I have social anxiety so I’ve never been comfortable talking with anybody of any gender, but I’ve always kept that in mind if I ever decide to break out of my shell.

But I’m getting from this video and the replies to her comments (If you don’t have TikTok, I don’t know if you can see the comments) that anyone who got that message from women are misinterpreting what they’ve been saying about harassment and boundaries and that you don’t have to worry about coming across as a creep if you’re not a creep.

So is there any truth to what I’ve heard before? And is it possible she just has a unique experience? I should mention that I’ve never made acquaintances in person any place where I wasn’t obligated to meet people, like school or family gatherings, so how people meet other people in public is a mystery to me. Can also count the number of times in one hand I’ve been inside a coffee shop.

Not A Coffeeshop Creep

[Read more…]

The Surprising Secret to Getting Dates on Dating Apps

October 13, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

As someone who’s been active on the Internet since 1994 — before there was a World Wide Web, even — I’ve seen a lot of changes over time. Few, however, have been as significant as the way that online dating has changed. I have seen things you wouldn’t believe. Spring Street Personals, shared across Salon and The Onion. Paying to send messages and buying “roses” to send instead of likes, winks and pokes. I watched major dating sites become infested with zombie accounts and new ones populated entirely with fake profiles and bots.

Screenshot of Roy Batty during the "Tears in the Rain" speech — All these moments will be lost in time, like AngelFire servers in the rain…

People’s approach to online dating has changed as well, especially as the rise of the swipe apps have taken over. Tinder may have helped bring online dating into the mainstream, it also changed the game. While the swipe-right/swipe-left mechanic has increased engagement, it’s also changed how people relate to dating apps… and the way people use them. However, while the apps may have changed, people’s misconceptions about online dating have remained stubbornly the same. In fact, their frustration has only increased, in no small part because the way people use dating apps is increasingly counter-productive.

Quite frankly, the people who use the apps the most are using them wrong. In fact, those misconceptions about how online dating works and the swipe mechanic coincide to make it harder to meet people.

However, the core reason why people struggle with dating apps comes from a very common mistake. The folks who have the most success with online dating understand a core truth that others don’t. If you want to actually get matches, responses and dates on the apps, then you need to make one simple change…

Get off the apps!

Surprise!

“What the actual *fuck* are you on about, Doc?”

As absurd as this sounds, getting off the apps and out into the world will turbocharge your dating life and improve your results from Tinder, Hinge and more.

Sound strange? Well, let’s talk about what people get wrong about online dating… and how to fix it.

[Read more…]

When Do I Tell Women About My Unusual Hobbies?

September 17, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc,

I’m a 43 year old single dad who has a lot on his plate right now. Probably too much, at least the way I see it, to pursue a serious relationship. I’m also a late bloomer, so in my case dates and sexual encounters have been rare, other than the one relationship I’ve been in, which surprisingly to me lasted over seven years.

At present I’ve been single for close to eight and in this time period I’ve been on five dates which didn’t lead to anything and sex (yes, it was with my ex) has happened two or three times. Also, I’ll mention that most of my experience has been from online dating, which may or may not hold relevance to the issue at hand in this letter.

I keep snakes (6) and tarantulas (5) as pets. I also have a cat, but cats usually aren’t an issue with most women I’ve met. The other ones though… Oh my. I’ve had several women abruptly quit messaging me because of them. I mean immediately after mentioning them when they ask about my hobbies and passions. I understand why. Not many women in my age group want to date the crazy snake man. Not to intentionally quote Chandler from Friends. The thing is, keeping and learning about these animals has been a lifelong passion of mine. I even tried to make a career of it by studying Zoology as an undergrad, though it didn’t work out due to other problems.

So on top of the other stuff on my plate, which has led me to avoid anything serious, I have a fairly unusual hobby that makes it difficult to even pursue something casual. I don’t want to give it up. Yet snakes don’t make for good companions.

How does one bring up things like unusual hobbies in a conversation, or really anything that isn’t mainstream or maybe taboo (I have a couple uncommon kinks as well) which could easily turn someone away? To note, I’ve tried to seek out women who are into the hobby and the few I’ve met were either young enough to be my daughter or in a relationship.

I’ll add further that it’s not something that I can hide. I live in a small apartment (house hunting is something I’m working on) and the only place for their enclosures is right next to my bed.

I mean, should I even be trying at this point?

Snake Dad Guy

[Read more…]

Do Women REALLY Only Like One Kind of Guy?

September 10, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Ah, I see it’s that time of year again.

Normally on Fridays, I run questions for Ask Dr. NerdLove and help you — and folks like you — solve your dating dilemmas. But occasionally… well, occasionally I get a letter that requires a much deeper dive than most.

And then occasionally I get ones like today’s, which happen so regularly that you can actually measure the intervals between them and count down to when I’ll get the next.

Like the monarch butterflies traveling to Mexico and swallows returning to Capistrano, there’re some things you can always count on. For me, it’s the seasonal “but WHY DON’T YOU ADMIT WOMEN ONLY DATE ONE KIND OF MAN” letter. Usually this is brought on because an incel forum somewhere rediscovers the old OKCupid “here’s how women rate men and men rate women” poll I mentioned in “This Is Why You Think You’re Ugly”. Other times it comes about because someone has found some “exposé” — usually dubiously sourced, even more dubiously interpreted and reported — on YouTube or something that threatens to blow the doors off online dating or something.

And then these emails show up in my inbox, regular as clockwork. Normally, I just delete them because, well… what’s the point. You can’t get a dead plant to grow no matter how much you water it, and you can’t reason someone out of a position that they didn’t use reason to get into in the first place.

But then again: sometimes it’s worth breaking down the “logic” — and I use the term very loosely — to dig into the underlying issues. Not so much for the letter-writer themselves, but for everyone else, if only to talk about just how ugly some of this can get if you let it go unchecked in yourself.

So we’re gonna dig into a letter that, under normal circumstances, would go straight into the trash bin.

Hell, this time I didn’t even bother cleaning up the grammar, spelling or punctuation mistakes. It’s a hoot.

Hello Doc !

I read your article “Men, This Is Why You THINK You’re Ugly” and i can’t disagree more. First because you are talking about personality and all that but .. how do you explain Tinder for example or Bumble , or any dating apps? men there don’t have any success unless they are fit , tall and handsome. women only like that type of men , no woman will have casual sex with a fat guy or a chubby guy for example , hell not even a skinny dude , as a dude YOU HAVE TO BE MUSCULAR to have success with women. it’s kinda sad that as a man you are undesirable by default to the opposite gender , hetero women don’t face any difficulty in the dating world. Being a man (average , hell even above average) is a bad deal in the west , no woman will approach you unless you have money status or you are the clone of Henry Cavill. So Doc , you are spreading false hope to your customers

How Do I Get Me Alone?

[Read more…]