the friend zone Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Are We More Than Just Friends?

April 1, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I have a friend that I’ve known since college and we’ve kept in contact well after I graduated. However, due to our own responsibilities, we had times when we wouldn’t contact each other for months at a time. But when we did reconnect, it was almost like that hiatus never happened. I consider this person a close friend who loves the same nerdy things even more than I do.

Recently (I’d say over the course of a year and a half), we’ve been talking more frequently. In October of last year, he invited me to spend the day with him at NYCC (New York Comic Con). Had a dope- ass time with him. I actually hung out with him at his place for about 4 hours last week and I had a great time. He said he enjoyed having me over as well. We didn’t do anything except game and chat (we are both fairly introverted). During one of our conversations, he told me that as long as I let him know when, I can show up at his place pretty much whenever. He even mentioned that I could also spend the night if I wanted, something that no male has ever offered to me. I’m someone with no dating experience, so I’m not sure what would be the proper way of thinking about his offer.

He has since invited me out to other events and for me to come over to his place again. And honestly, he’s an awesome dude to be around, and I even developed a bit (that’s putting it mildly) of a crush on him. I’m keeping all of my expectations low, in case it turns out that he just likes hanging out with me.

That being said, deep down, I believe that he is developing feelings for me. I’ve hung out with him multiple times at his house. We’ve moved on from just gaming to watching movies together. During the movie, I even sometimes catch him staring at my face, and when we have conversations, he positions himself facing me and maintains eye contact. It actually sometimes get awkward. My recent visit had him complimenting my hair, which I totally wasn’t expecting. He opens up to me a lot as well. And when it’s time for me to leave, he seems reluctant to let me go.

So, yeah, I’m here asking for advice; how would you interpret this behavior? Please help a poor, inexperienced soul out.

Thanks in advance.

Reading The Tea Leaves

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Don’t I Want A Relationship?

March 15, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doctor,

Am I asexual, aromantic, or am I trying to label myself to provide an excuse for my inexperience?

I’m a dude in my 20’s and I’ve never been in a relationship, on a date, or even watched porn. But I don’t think I’m asexual because I masturbate weekly using my imagination or softcore erotic literature, but anything with genitals or sexual acts really turns me off. I’ve gone months without masturbating because I don’t usually derive pleasure from it, only a sensation of release. I do mentally notice attractive woman, but I also haven’t had a crush on anyone since high school. I’ve tried dating apps, but never met anyone from one and I’ve never come close to asking out anyone in person.

Every week, when I call my parents and grandparents, they ask if I’ve “met” anyone, and frankly I’m ambivalent if I want to. I have what I consider a happy life: hobbies I enjoy, my dream job as a scientist, and friends that I appreciate. I do often feel lonely, exacerbated since I’ve moved halfway across the country, but I don’t think its lonely because I’m loveless, more of an existential we are all alone on a darkling plain. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship so maybe I just don’t know what I’m talking about?

There are a lot of reasons I justify to myself not trying to get in a relationship: I hate being touched, months usually go by between physical contact more substantial than a handshake. I’m very introverted; I’m outgoing at parties and gatherings, but I then feel drained. I’m also very private. I don’t talk about myself at all if I can help it, and hate confiding anything to anyone, but will happily chat about movies or politics or whatever.

Additionally, I’m a member of a small ancient religious community that is quite endogenous and I’m very committed to my faith. Even worse from a number’s perspective, I’m a member of a caste that can only marry co-religionists, even converts don’t make the cut. And I know dating doesn’t equal marriage, but it still feels wrong.

From an outsider’s perspective a relationship seems to be more of a burden than a boon. One of my worst flaws is a tendency to get annoyed with other people quickly. When I spend extended periods of time with anyone, even the people I’m closest to: my siblings, good friends, etc., I have a great time initially, but friction builds up over little things and I stop having fun. I don’t see why a romantic relationship would be any different. Finally, I’m just so accustomed to doing everything alone that it would require major disruptive changes to a routine I like.

But everyone else I know seems to enjoy their relationships! And as a good scientist I’m all about testing hypotheses. I know that if I wanted a relationship I’d have to expend serious effort, but there lies the crux of the problem: Would I actually enjoy a relationship but haven’t experienced one yet because of inexperience and laziness OR am I not temperamentally suited for relationships because I’m asexual or aromantic and I should just stop worrying about familial and societal judgement? More succinctly: Should I at least give romance a try before determining it’s not for me?

-Ace or Joker

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Tell My Friend About My Crush?

December 21, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey, Doc,

I find myself in an interesting position. I’ve just recently graduated from college, and in the morass that is post-school bullshit, I need some advice with regard to my (admittedly near-nonexistent) love life.

See, I have a friend – let’s call them Alpha – who I got reasonably close with in my last year of school, and we have a lot of the same interests (and issues) in common – we’re both tabletop nerds with heavily self-deprecating senses of humor, we both suffer from some pretty severe anxiety/stress/upwardly fucked brain chemical stuff, and we both have a love of political-heavy sci fi (we have a decently long-running inside joke about House Atreides).

In school, I acknowledged, “hey, they’re real attractive,” but any kind of feelings on my part were muted because A. They were in a very nice relationship with a really great guy and B. any kind of romance/sexual exploration was not on my list of things to solve in school, and my weight and self-esteem issues would have made dating in general unlikely anyway.

But things kind of changed on my part after a mutual friend (and my roommate for half of college) passed away during cancer, and Alpha and I interacted quite a bit and caught up in the aftermath. They and another friend who lives close by said they would be coming to my general area over their break, so we made plans to meet up.

The two showed up, and we had a lot of fun playing tourist in my hometown. I introduced them to my friends, among them a guy we shall call Bravo. Bravo is, shall we say, the flirty type, and so is Alpha; they hit it off pretty quick on that front, and while it didn’t really go anywhere in the end, it was the kick in the nuts that said to me “Oh, shit, I’m really into Alpha. Like, a lot more than I thought.”

Things get even more complicated after the visit, when, afterwards, we start confiding in each other over text. This is my real problem; you’ve probably gotten the usual “don’t want to take The Leap and ruin the friendship” line a quadrillion times, but I think in this case it’s justified – we’ve low key become something of a shoulder to lean on for each other and a confidant, with them telling me they have an easy time talking to me and confiding. A lot of the stuff is a bit heavy, but while I’m not going to share any of it, I will say that I don’t think any of it could be considered “flirty.” It is, however, something that I really do value, and has helped my depressed ass on more than one occasion, and I like to think vice versa.

They also accepted my invitation to come hang out with me and my friends on New Years’ Eve, and when I was later in a bit of a self-loathing slump, they pointed out that they were literally blowing off their family to come see me and my friends on NYE, which kind of shocked me in hindsight.

I suppose the summary of my issue is – I’m crushing hard on a friend who I really want to keep as my friend, and whose support and affection means quite a bit to me. They’ve also had a lot of troubles at school, and have been burned before, so I don’t want to accidentally throw any further fuel on that fire and accidentally “Nice Guy^TM” them or something, I just want to be there to help provide emotional support when needed. What’s a nerd to do?

Best,
Badly Conflicted Atreides

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Episode #100 – Is She Flirting or Just Being Friendly?

November 21, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

How do you tell the difference between when someone’s flirting with you and just being polite? And why are we so bad at telling the two apart in the first place?

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

How men and women both misjudge flirting behavior in others
Why “Straight Dude Thinking” gets in the way of flirting success
Why we confuse parasocial relationships for genuine interest
How to recognize the signs that someone is flirting with you
The number one key to recognizing that someone is interested… and not just being friendly.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Friend Zone My Wife?

October 5, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc:

Long story short: we’ve been married 17 years, dated for about ten before that. Sex and kissing and everything else was, frankly, amazing in the first decade or so and, if I’m being honest, it was a strong motivator – but not exclusively – for getting married (I kind of think it always helps if you can make your partner come and they seem to enjoy being with you in bed).

Now, we hit a rough patch – mostly down to me being an asshole with money – but we fixed things up, we had kids (and yes, I did my bit with through the night feeds and looking after them so my wife could rest), we got on with life and over time, sex dried up and became, at best, a monthly thing. Now, for a while, that didn’t bother me – we were busy, I always assumed we’d get back to where we were – but for the last few years it has really started to bother me.

I’ve brought it up and I’ve been told that she’s just not feeling that much into sex over the last number of years, which while annoying as hell, I can appreciate. I don’t want someone having sex just for the sake of shutting up their partner or for a quiet life. I’ve offered to try and do different things, all rebuffed.

Equally, when I’ve suggested things like we have a night for sex once a week, I’m told that removes the spontaneity of it, tried your tips for date nights and getting the heart racing and it was pretty much scorned as daft, I’ve tried romantic trips away, we have a good supply of babysitters, I’ve suggested that we go to counselling (that was rejected).

(Even when we do have sex, it’s me doing all the work, which again makes me think it’s only being done to shut me up.)

Now, we do do stuff together – though the wife’s preference is for going out with pals, workmates or to the gym (one thing that really annoyed me is when I suggested early morning sex, was told she would be too tired and then she started going to early morning gym classes) – and when she’s with her pals she’s more relaxed than with me (which can often feel more like a night with me, her and her phone, which you can rarely ask what she’s looking at as that bugs her though she has always maintained that she isn’t and hasn’t had any affairs).

So, as we have kids and as we aren’t screaming at each other (though we do often have very different points of view and this is something I’ve noticed more of later) and, to be honest, she is someone I like having in my life, there’s an empasse. It’s a relationship with no sex, no kissing (I could be standing in between the children and she will kiss them and not me) but I can’t see she’s done anything wrong (if anything, I feel like the asshole here), so it very much feels like a friendship – or housemates – in many ways, which I’m not mad about but it is what it is.

So, the question is this: how do I friendzone someone that I live with and find incredibly sexy and attractive because that may be the main way to save this relationship. I also need to work out a way of framing this relationship so that I’m not spending hours per day thinking about it and getting frustrated by it, because that – if nothing else – isn’t doing me any favours mentally, so friendzoning may help and partially stop this marriage feeling so lonely.

Sexless in Shoreditch

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