the friend zone Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Episode #100 – Is She Flirting or Just Being Friendly?

November 21, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

How do you tell the difference between when someone’s flirting with you and just being polite? And why are we so bad at telling the two apart in the first place?

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

How men and women both misjudge flirting behavior in others
Why “Straight Dude Thinking” gets in the way of flirting success
Why we confuse parasocial relationships for genuine interest
How to recognize the signs that someone is flirting with you
The number one key to recognizing that someone is interested… and not just being friendly.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Friend Zone My Wife?

October 5, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc:

Long story short: we’ve been married 17 years, dated for about ten before that. Sex and kissing and everything else was, frankly, amazing in the first decade or so and, if I’m being honest, it was a strong motivator – but not exclusively – for getting married (I kind of think it always helps if you can make your partner come and they seem to enjoy being with you in bed).

Now, we hit a rough patch – mostly down to me being an asshole with money – but we fixed things up, we had kids (and yes, I did my bit with through the night feeds and looking after them so my wife could rest), we got on with life and over time, sex dried up and became, at best, a monthly thing. Now, for a while, that didn’t bother me – we were busy, I always assumed we’d get back to where we were – but for the last few years it has really started to bother me.

I’ve brought it up and I’ve been told that she’s just not feeling that much into sex over the last number of years, which while annoying as hell, I can appreciate. I don’t want someone having sex just for the sake of shutting up their partner or for a quiet life. I’ve offered to try and do different things, all rebuffed.

Equally, when I’ve suggested things like we have a night for sex once a week, I’m told that removes the spontaneity of it, tried your tips for date nights and getting the heart racing and it was pretty much scorned as daft, I’ve tried romantic trips away, we have a good supply of babysitters, I’ve suggested that we go to counselling (that was rejected).

(Even when we do have sex, it’s me doing all the work, which again makes me think it’s only being done to shut me up.)

Now, we do do stuff together – though the wife’s preference is for going out with pals, workmates or to the gym (one thing that really annoyed me is when I suggested early morning sex, was told she would be too tired and then she started going to early morning gym classes) – and when she’s with her pals she’s more relaxed than with me (which can often feel more like a night with me, her and her phone, which you can rarely ask what she’s looking at as that bugs her though she has always maintained that she isn’t and hasn’t had any affairs).

So, as we have kids and as we aren’t screaming at each other (though we do often have very different points of view and this is something I’ve noticed more of later) and, to be honest, she is someone I like having in my life, there’s an empasse. It’s a relationship with no sex, no kissing (I could be standing in between the children and she will kiss them and not me) but I can’t see she’s done anything wrong (if anything, I feel like the asshole here), so it very much feels like a friendship – or housemates – in many ways, which I’m not mad about but it is what it is.

So, the question is this: how do I friendzone someone that I live with and find incredibly sexy and attractive because that may be the main way to save this relationship. I also need to work out a way of framing this relationship so that I’m not spending hours per day thinking about it and getting frustrated by it, because that – if nothing else – isn’t doing me any favours mentally, so friendzoning may help and partially stop this marriage feeling so lonely.

Sexless in Shoreditch

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Where Do We Find a Kinky Third?

July 16, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I really appreciate your sex positive advice. That, your articles about dating apps, and your nonjudgemental approach to open or monogamish relationships and kinks makes me think you’re the right person to ask about this.

Some context: My partner and I have been in a committed relationship for going on eight years now. Our sex has always been mind blowing and a very important part of our relationship. He is older than I am, and while in the beginning he was more experienced, over time we’ve both learned new things that excite us. Most of our sex is extremely satisfying “vanilla” PiV or PiA action, but we also like to indulge in a kink or two. We’ve discovered that for each other, we’re switches–we get off on exchanging dominating and submissive roles. Without getting too graphic, on occasion he physically dominates me (always in a safe and very enthusiastically consensual way) and on occasion I verbally dominate him through taunts and cuckolding fantasy scenarios (again always in a safe and enthusiastically consensual way). Our switchery not only adds extra excitement to our sex, but also helps keep our relationship grounded, as we both recognize that our desire to be dominated in different ways is a safe means of giving in to our different anxieties about our relationship, turning those anxieties into some cathartic fucking pleasure.

If you’re still with me, I’m getting closer to my question. So far, the cuckolding has been only in the realm of fantasy, but we think we’re ready to try to make it a reality. We’ve had many discussions about how we would progress slowly, from him watching me make out with a guy, to blow jobs, to penetration. We’ve talked about boundaries like not involving people we know socially and not developing side relationships should we decide (together) to involve the same person more than once. We agree that if either one of us feels uncomfortable at any point for any reason, either one of us has an absolute right to call STOP. And we know that no matter what happens, at the end for the night, we’ll be cuddling each other, loving and secure.

And now my question: how do we find guys into being bulls, on our terms? We figured Tinder is a veritable fest of sausage, but I’ve never used tinder or any other dating app. I don’t know the basic etiquette, let alone the proper way to announce “I’m dtf while my partner watches and jerks off.” I know I should announce that’s what I’m looking for in advance, but I don’t know how or when to do so. Do I signal it somehow in my profile, tell the guy when we start messaging, or wait till we do the pre-date coffee thing to see if I even want to fuck him?

You’ve given advice and recommended resources for opening up relationships, but I was wondering if you have any specific advice for our situation. We don’t want to open up, just the respective exhibitionist and voyueristic pleasures of my getting fucked by a stranger while my partner watches.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

–If Candalus’s Wife Were into It

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Episode #74 – How To Escape The Friend Zone

April 26, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

The question of “how do I get out of The Friend Zone” is among the top Google searches out there when it comes to relationship advice. The idea of the Friend Zone as a sort of dating Stalag-17 has driven more people into the Pick Up and Red Pill community than almost any other topic.

For a lot of guys, the Friend Zone is the ultimate expression of the dating binary: you’re good with women or you aren’t, and there’s nothing that you can do about it.

So this week: there’s no BS, no snake oil and no creepy, manipulative tactics. Just everything you need to know about why you’re in The Friend Zone… and how to get out of it.

Show Highlights:

What most men don’t understand about The Friend Zone
How you ended up in The Friend Zone in the first place
Why the way most people try to leave The Friend Zone never works
What you need to do to change the nature of your relationship from platonic to sexual
The number one mistake men make when trying to escape The Friend Zone

…and so much more

Why Men and Women Can Never Be Friends is Bullshit

Anatomy Lesson: How I Left The Friend Zone

How To Be “Just Friends”

Avoiding The Friend Zone

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: My Best Friend Is Sleeping With My Crush

April 16, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dr. NerdLove,

Before I get to the core of the problem, I want to give you a little background of where I come from. As a teenager I grew up a fairly popular kid. I had people fawning over me all the time – men and women. Naturally, I didn’t know rejection until well past my late teens. When I was about 18-19, I dated this girl I was madly in love with for about 4-5 years. Eventually it ended and the end wasn’t very good for me. Unfortunately, I suffered an almost-mortal illness days after the break-up, which just contributed further to making my recovery harder. My time together with her had made me so dependent that it took me a really long time to get out of that zone and start being a confident, desirable human being again. I did eventually recover, worked extremely hard on myself and started dating the kind of women I really wanted again. Still, I was somewhat commitment phobic and bailed every time things started to move in a more serious direction again. It took me almost 4-5 years more before I actually got into my next exclusive, committed relationship.

I recently moved to a new city and the change has been kinda hard to adapt to. My (ex) girlfriend and I ended our relationship mutually since we were both moving to different cities and agreed that neither of us wanted a LDR. Having said that, this whole change caused several of my past insecurities to crop up and I found myself struggling socially again. It took me a while to make new friends and build a social circle at all but eventually I made a couple of really close friends – a girl and a guy. I was somewhat attracted to the girl but decided not to make a move on her because she had a long-term/long distance boyfriend, and in either case, I decided that her friendship was more precious to me than any foreseeable sexual pleasure. Fast forward a few days and I find out that my two best friends are hooking up. At a fundamental level I am okay with this – I don’t really care so much. I am not into the girl so much for it to bother me. The problem is that I actually share an apartment with the guy and sometimes when they hook up at our place I can hear them, which really upsets me. I also feel kind of awkward hanging out alone with them because I feel like I am just being an obstacle. Sometimes I catch myself wondering that they only hang out with me because two of us live together. A part of me knows that this is not entirely true, but a part of me that’s driven by my insecurities can’t help thinking this way. I have already had individual conversations with both of them about their equation and told them that I did not entirely appreciate the fact that they sneak around behind my back to hook up because I’d have much rather preferred that they be honest with me than take me for a fool. But I also told them that whoever either of them chooses to hook up with is none of my concern and I frankly do not care so much.

Now the core nature of my problem is that I expect a certain degree of sensitivity and discretion on their part. Both of them know that I have a thing for her, even if it isn’t a big deal. I have no intention of making a move for her now or in the future, but just knowing that the girl auto-rejected me is a confidence downer for me. It’s also not exactly like I am going through a dry spell. I manage to occasionally attract women I want to sleep with and do it too. It’s just that I feel really out of place with my two closest friends in this new city and I do not know what my place is any more or where I stand with either of them. I feel like if they cared for me, they wouldn’t put me through this awkward situation. Frankly, I don’t even know what or if I expect any kind of answer from you – I just needed to get this off my chest, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to bring this up with either of them. I don’t want to come across as a whiny little cow, but I also am kind of suffering and it has a negative impact on my overall social success. If you have any thoughts for me, I’d be glad to hear/read. I enjoy reading your columns, and most things you say make sense to me both intuitively and counter-intuitively.

Cheers,
Guilty As Charged

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