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Episode #145 — The Problem With “Nice Guys”

June 17, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Women often say that they want a nice guy, so why do so many of them think that nice guys are THE WORST? The trouble is that Nice Guy’s behavior works against them; what they see as positive and respectful is actually pushing people away. Here’s why being a Nice Guy drives women away… and why it can be so hard to STOP being a Nice Guy.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • What “Nice Guy” behavior says about them
  • Why “treating her like a queen” is actually unattractive
  • How Nice Guys ruin their relationships
  • The #1 mistake Nice Guys make that “bad boys” don’t
  • What it takes to STOP being a nice guy… and why being a jerk isn’t the answer

… and so much more.

RELATED LINKS: 

The Science of Nice Guys and Assholes

Developing An Abundance Mentality

Eliminating Neediness

Where Do You Get Your Validation?

What’s Wrong With Being a Nice Guy?

FIND YOUR VALUE AND DEVELOP YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE! GET YOUR FREE WORKSHEET HERE:  http://eepurl.com/dgn7c5

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

Is My Boyfriend Falling In Love With Someone Else?

June 1, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Dr Nerdlove,

Brief context: I (28 F) have been in a 2.5 year relationship, 1.25 years of which has now been long distance (12+ hour flight, long distance). Currently coming out of a non-Covid rough patch, newly thrown for a loop.

Ever since I moved away, I have been encouraging him to cultivate friendships because all of his friends are here in the States. In combination with coaxing him into therapy for the past 2 years (which I would say has been moderately successful as he now has 4 consecutive months under his belt after scattershot attempts) I have tried to assist him as best I could in various personal matters (family dynamics, culture shock, opening up emotionally, etc).

While in general very willing to improve, he always found a way to avoid cultivating friendships. He has a mix of friends of both genders from college who he chats with, and we called 2 a day with video calls on weekends as well.

He’s a huge romantic and called me his best friend and that he didn’t need anyone besides me. As the complete opposite of him, I affirmed that I know he loves me and appreciate the sentiment but that all people need someone you can physically meet up with and be in the same time zone with and that no one person can be all things.

We’ve been meeting up for 2-3 weeks every 6 months and we hit a rough patch this January (ironically just before COVID dominated everywhere) While we were working things out (which involved some radio silence for a week or two while we cooled off) he magically gained a “squad” (his words) in February of a college acquaintance who moved to the country he lives in and a high school friend who also moved back.

The college friend is a girl. I’m very chill, but my boyfriend proceeded to tell me multiple times that he thinks she is into him. As he has the social flirting fluency of a statue and had so few friends to start with, I encouraged him to have an awkward conversation or just keep treating her as a friend.

Then he tells me they get drunk together at her place after he helped her run some errands (he is fluent in the local language) and she admits to feelings but she respects what we have.

Given that we were still hashing out our unrelated issues I honestly wondered why he was telling me this. Then he says he feels disconnected from me and our relationship and since he is talking to her for more than an hour everyday about things we used to talk about and meeting up 2-3 times a week, he wanted to know how our relationship is different than a friendship.

I was, needless to say, floored. I asked him if he is no longer in love with me or interested in marriage (aka one of our issues) and he says no. I ask if he has feelings for her and he says he doesn’t think so. I ask if he is attracted to her and he says he can find something attractive about anyone really.

He repeats that everything he used to talk about with me (which was everything under the sun and involved emotional vulnerability a great deal of the time and was apparently a first for him) he now talks about with her. I personally view that as a positive thing as he had a turbulent childhood and consequently great difficulty trusting people enough to converse like that. I’m also not apologetic about not fulfilling his conversational needs because 1) we were in a bad place and needed space 2) he should have people he trusts to talk to and 3) I’m in a COVID epicenter under lockdown—the highlight of my month is finally doing laundry.

Having been a longtime reader, I know you have covered that how men manage emotional intimacy in a relationships other than a romantic partner. Is that related to this or was he never really in love with me—was I just the first person he trusted and decided it was love?

-Lost and Confused

[Read more…]

How Can I Hook Up With My Celebrity Crush?

December 23, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I am a 35 year old cis gendered male (He/Him/His) and I live in Chicago.  5 years ago I saw a live taping of a podcast that has since become a favorite of mine.  At that taping I immediately had a crush on the co host.  Like, I was just watching her smile and laughing when she laughed, all while having no idea what she was saying. I would smile at her smiling.  So, crushing pretty hard  (Lydia Loveless lyrics that fit the bill: ‘European’ “I just want to watch your lips move till I don’t know what the words mean…”)

Sadly, at that time I was in a deep depression and was too chicken shit to take an opportunity to flirt with her after the taping.  Now, 5 years later and I still have a crush on her.  It is not as intense as before but I am still finding her incredibly attractive, not just looks (but damn she fine like a ticket on the dash) but her sense of humor, how she laughs, her nerdiness, and how she carries herself.  I mean, she mad good at being funny and charming on twitter  I dig her, she cool.  Aaaannddd, after having an opportunity to talk with her after she was interviewing a famous person at a local event, I was again chicken shit and bailed…

So, my quandary is that I don’t know what to do with this?  Just leave it as “oh, it’s fun to have a crush, now move on dear boy” or maybe I am just not enough of a romantic, and I should go for it?  I hear stories of other people that see someone and are floored by them and then they meet and date and marry… but I can’t imagine that happening to me.  Either to chickenshit-ness or me not being a romantic. If I try to find ways to be around her more or to communicate with her over social media I am worried about being a creeper.  (I am now much too scared of ‘sliding into dm’s’)

So, when is a crush worth pursuing and when is it a harmless flight of fancy?  If it is worth pursuing, how to go about it?  Is it weird to try and find ways to be around her? She has a podcast and they have frequent live tapings and she frequently is used as a host for interviewing fun and interesting guest at various functions around the city.  So the opportunities exist…

Help me Dr NerdLove, you’re my only hope…

Languishing Excitement In Another

[Read more…]

Why Is He Intimidated By His Boyfriend’s Ex?

December 16, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I (29M) recently started dating a very caring and intelligent guy (25). We have been together for about three months.
Shortly after we started talking, he told me that he had recently ended a long term relationship. From what I have been told, it seems like this relationship had been heading downhill for quite a while before it actually ended. My boyfriend has been very upfront and transparent about it. His ex is part of his circle of friends, and he would like to remain on friendly terms with him. When he initially brought up this situation, he told me that he spoke with his ex and said that while he’d like to be friends, he would like to take a break from communication to focus on our relationship and allow things between the two of them to cool down. His ex asked him for an exact date when they could resume communication, clearly not understanding that it’s not possible to put an exact timeline on these sorts of things.
Recently, I have seen his ex’s name pop up in his messages. I want to be clear that I haven’t been snooping, I’ve just noticed occasionally while he is showing me something on his phone. Seeing this picks at my worse insecurities. It’s very intimidating to know that he is communicating with someone he had such a long and recent relationship with, and it makes me worry.
Besides this issue, I am really enjoying our relationship – and while it is new, I feel that it is strong. I absolutely trust my boyfriend. He is someone I have known for many years, and I do not believe that any cheating is going on. However, my anxious brain often takes over, and it makes me feel like there is no way that I can compare to his ex. I want to talk to my boyfriend about how this communication makes me feel uncomfortable, but I don’t want to come off as controlling or overbearing. I don’t want him to cut off communication unless that’s what he truly wants to do.
Should I just let it go? Should I bring it up?
Ex n’ Effects 

[Read more…]

Episode #128 – How To Get Over Your Fear of Rejection

December 4, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • Why a fear of rejection is about a fear of loss
  • How a scarcity mindset leads to being terrified of being rejected
  • What the most successful, rejection-proof men all have in common
  • How embracing the Friend Zone can make you fearless with women
  • How having more people in your life can destroy your fear of rejection

…and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

Leveling Up – Developing an Abundance Mentality

How To Get Women To Approach You 

Finding True Confidence

Facing Your Dating Fears 

5 Ways To Develop Your Social Skills… Quickly

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

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