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Is My Partner Just Settling For Me?

December 4, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

So, first things first: my partner (38NB, they/them) and I (28F) both have histories of abusive relationships. Their most recent partner before they met me was physically, sexually, and emotionally violent towards them; I had gotten out of a sexually predatory and abusive relationship with a much older man. We both understand that the trauma we’ve undergone shapes us, but does not define us. We’re working through it.

My problem is that I’m scared that I was simply the first partner in a long time to show them kindness and compassion, and that because of that they’ve spent the last five and a half years in a relationship in which, on some fundamental level, they do not want to be. This is in large part because I have a lot of flaws as a partner.

We live together and have done for nearly five years, but it was a case of me moving into their flat straight from my parents’ house rather than us picking a place together. I am long-term unemployed and contribute to household expenses as much as I am able but they’re still the primary breadwinner and I feel like I am leeching off them. I have triggers relating to showers (which I would rather not go into) that make personal hygiene difficult for me. I clean and help out and cook and the like, but I’ve had to learn how over the time we’ve lived together. I have serious depression and anxiety, for which I am receiving treatment and medication, but they had to poke and prod me into getting any treatment at all. I constantly feel like I have nothing to offer but being a considerate and caring partner – something that should be the default for any relationship, though the both of us are keenly aware that it is very much not.

Both of us drink heavily, something which lockdown has made worse, but they’re getting through a litre of gin every couple of days. They’re much more outgoing than I am and not being able to see their friends has hit them very hard indeed. When they’ve been drunk on the sofa, they’ve talked about how they didn’t see themselves ending up like this. Illness took their dreams of being a dancer in the West End, and now they’re pushing forty in a provincial fishing village that makes Toshi Station look like the height of urbane cosmopolitanism. And they look so sad when they say it. And then the next day, it’s like a switch has been flipped and it’s all smiles, and when I try to bring it up they brush it aside as me being paranoid. Which, to be entirely fair, is one of the symptoms of my anxiety disorder.

I love my partner, I really have to stress that. I love them with all my heart. I’m just terrified that I’m not worth loving back as much, and I can’t help but wonder whether or not I’m making my partner as happy as they make me. I struggle to tell what’s my paranoia and what’s a genuine issue that I should talk about with them. They’re a really awesome person and I just… worry that I’m nothing more than the first person to be a good partner, and that having had such an unbelievably fucking shitty partner for five years makes me look way better than I actually am.

We’ve been together, like I said, for five and a half years. I’ve been really happy. The happiest I can ever remember being. And I wonder if I’m the only one in the relationship who feels like that.

Or if it’s all in my head.

Thank you for reading,

Relevant Black Sabbath Song

[Read more…]

Help, My Boyfriend Became a Right Wing COVID Conspiracy Theorist!

November 27, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I have been dating a white man for 5 yrs ( I am a black Woman). He is Republican from a family of Democrats. When George Floyd hit he marched in 3 BLM marches and helped to organize one in his hometown. Then he tried to read the new jim crow and how to be anti-racist.

He’s recently imploded with statements about inequity not being real, racism not being as common and systemic racism not existing. He also went from COVID vigilance to COVID = Common Cold. Having no empathy for any death or illness saying – People have to die of something.

He is Christian and although I am as well I was raised with open minded critically thinking educated parents. Basically I am not a follower even while I love God and the Bible I understand the human lens and the millions of enslaved, killed and marginalized victims of religion. He is not deep diving into Christianity he is deep diving into Youtube Right Wingers and Donald Trump. He calls Democrats “pedophiles” and “communists” and says that “BLM founders are violent socialist lesbians who hate all white people.”

He also has interrupted my phone calls to voice his opinion and every conversation about the weather ends with a comment about Trump being maligned and discriminated against and how Democrats have ruined the world and tricked black people into thinking in evil and unproductive ways. AND MOST OF ALL I AM A 35 YEAR LONG ADVOCATE FOR MARGINALIZED COMMUNITIES! A LOBBYIST, TRAINER AND UPLIFTER OF VOICES. THIS IS HOW I GET PAID AND THIS IS WHO I AM TO MY CORE.

I have a 14 yr old son – he now hates my bf and I am making plans to leave. I just need 250.00 increase in monthly income which I know I do.

Explain why a White man dating a Black Woman who works to improve lives would suddenly shift to worshipping Trump, dismissing disparity and lack empathy for victims of COVID.

Because most of my work is within Mental Health – I am worried he is mentally ill.

Dating Mr. Hyde

[Read more…]

The Trouble With Defending Jeffrey Toobin

October 23, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Every once in a while, the universe throws a curveball at us. We think that — even allowing for the stress of a global pandemic, a presidential election that seems to be the last stand between democracy and fascism, right-wing and white supremacist terrorist groups threatening violence on election night and politicians openly embracing gonzo conspiracy theories — that we’ve seen it all.

And then we get a week of dudes not knowing when to keep their dicks in their pants and their hands out of them.

It says something about the week when this is the *least* disturbing story in the news.

But while some of these events are more salaciously comedic, some are more disturbing.

We talk a lot about what makes somebody creepy, where the lines are and how to avoid crossing them. After all, understanding what behaviors make women uncomfortable is an important part of creating a culture where women feel empowered to pursue the sex and relationships they want. However, whenever we talk about men behaving badly, we inevitably get the folks who want to defend them. The men — and it’s almost always men — who want to give cover to other dudes who crossed lines. Whether it’s writing it off as “locker room talk” or down-playing the seriousness of what happened, there always seem to be people who think that boundaries and limits are things that happen to other people.

So let’s talk a little about what it means when folks rush to defend other men from the consequences of their own actions.

[Read more…]

How Do We Tell Our Families We’re Polyamorous?

September 28, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc –

My wife and I have been together for 11 years and have 3 great kids. About three years ago my wife’s friend moved in during a tough spot and never left – we have been a ‘throuple’ ever since and she gave birth about a year ago. After our daughter was born we even had a ceremony and signed a living will to make us all ‘married’.

Here is the issue: She won’t tell her family. They all think we took her in during a rough patch and let her stay after she got knocked up by a dude they have all made up in her minds she was dating. They think it’s cute that she and my wife call me ‘daddy’ when they hand me the baby (‘go to daddy’ etc). My mother and sister know and are, broadly speaking, supportive. My wife’s family adores my “second wife”* and daughter.

*Yes we need better language than that but it’s the best I’ve got.

I get that her family is very conservative but I am not comfortable hiding our deal. I am in love two beautiful women and have great kids. Let’s shout it from the mountaintops or, at least, speak it in conversational tones from a well sized hill.

How do we come out to her family? I’m not comfortable hiding.

Thank You,
Three Some and More

[Read more…]

I Took The Red Pill. Why Am I Still Not Happy?

September 21, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi,

I’m gonna keep my name private but I truly hope that you are having a great day and I hope your writing has brought fulfilment to your life as well as in the lives of your readers. With that said I wanted to ask you a question, I essentially want to know if you’re serious or if your take on women is just for clicks because it runs so contrary to everything I’ve seen.

To me it seems pretty obvious that the “toxic masculinity” you think is evil is 100% (and yes I do mean 100%) perpetuated women who you seem to love bending the knee for. I found the red pill about a year ago and I wasn’t shocked at all that guys are getting together and confirming these things about women because I already knew all of it was true. I get a decent amount of attention from women, I have the 6 6’s women want minus that sweet 6 figure income as I’m still young, I’m no PUG as it were but I do pretty well.

I’ve pretty much decided from what I’ve seen that modern women are not fit for relationships. They don’t know how to even handle the fact that men are not made of stone yet they constantly neg men to open up only to lose attraction, they’ve become walking contradictions, they have little to no temperance and they sure as fuck can’t pairbond or display loyalty. As much as it disappoints me to say it, they are pretty much only good for sex because all they do in relationships is try to jam you into a box to fit their delusions. As much as I want to, I can’t override my biological need for sex and female companionship. I think if toxic masculinity exists, it exists because women punish men who don’t fit into that box and men are such simps they bend themselves over backwards to be what women want. I can’t keep doing this. I used to have self esteem, I used to think hey I’m outgoing, I’m charming, I’m tall, good looking, personable, got my degree, I can get women when I need to. But dealing with women in relationships, being charming or socially confident means nothing because there are guys who are better, being 6’1 means nothing because there are guys who are taller, being a former competitive soccer player who has abs and is in shape means nothing because there’s some asshole who’s more ripped or has harder abs. Having a 7 inch dick doesn’t mean anything because there’s a bigger one their somewhere, having a decent job prospects doesn’t mean anything because there’s a guy somewhere who makes more.

Bottom line it’s never good enough and I’m sick of it, god knows how shorter, balding, introverted guys feel about women. I want to go back to liking myself, I want my self esteem and my masculinity back. Usually as soon as I start thinking this way I meet some girl who will convince me she’s different only to realize she’s not because all women are like that. Do you have any advice on how to override this biological weakness? I feel like I can accomplish so much with my life but I can’t continue to let women get in the way. The Manosphere doesn’t seem to have any real advice on this issue as far I can find. It mostly seems like losers who can’t get laid with a few men who have extensive experience with women and won’t give it up sprinkled in. So I figured I’d ask a beta, male feminist, however you wanna brand yourself idk, instead.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Looking In The Mirror

P.S Fight Club is the greatest movie of all time (110% serious) but the matrix trilogy is kind of overrated and Joker was ruined by joaquin phoenix’s complete lack of personality or charisma.

Well, I’ll give you this much LITM: you introduced me to a new concept I hadn’t heard yet. I actually had to look up “The 6 6’s” on Google. To spare everyone else the trouble, yes, it’s exactly as obvious as you think:

  • Six feet tall
  • Six inch penis (or more)
  • Six figure salary
  • Six hundred horsepower car
  • Six pack abs
  • Six months out of a previous relationship

Now, there’s a whole lot to unpack here — starting with the fact that 6′ tall dudes are around than 10% of the world’s population and if you needed that to get laid, the human race would’ve died out a long, long time ago — but let’s just throw the whole suitcase away.

The bigger issue here is that, honestly, you’re really close to getting to the root of your problem, but you keep swerving at the last minute. Like, so close:

“The Manosphere doesn’t seem to have any real advice on this issue as far I can find. It mostly seems like losers who can’t get laid with a few men who have extensive experience with women and won’t give it up sprinkled in.”

As the saying goes: before you diagnose yourself with depression, make sure you aren’t surrounded by assholes. The reason why you’re miserable isn’t because women aren’t punishing men who don’t fit into a box, it’s because you’re taking advice from dudes who:

a) have no idea what women actually want 
b) have convinced themselves that manipulation, head games and outright emotional abuse are the ways of keeping a relationship
c) tell other men to live up to literally impossible standards in order to get what they want and that they’ll never be enough.
d) also tell other men that things like “emotional openness”, “vulnerability”, or “compassion” are weaknesses that make them beta pussy cucks.

Your story is one I can recite by heart, man. You struggled meeting women, you had a hard time connecting with folks and probably got your heart broken a couple of times. You — like Mr. Oblivious above — took someone breaking up with you as a personal insult; something that was  done to you maliciously because fuck you, penis, THAT’S WHY. And, like so many other folks, you went to dodgy corners of the Internet and found other people complaining about similar experiences. You found it compelling because they were — in your own words — “confirming these things about women because I already knew all of it was true.”

This is, quite literally, the definition of confirmation bias: “the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or supports one’s prior beliefs or values.” You didn’t find a group of free-thinkers trading in forbidden knowledge, who woke you up to how the world “really is”, you found a bunch of angry dudes who were ready to blame women for the fact they weren’t getting the rewards they were promised for being “real men”. It’s an echo chamber full of folks who were ready to feed you what you already believed and you never stopped to examine it for longer than a half second because hey, you already believed it.

And since then, you’ve been desperately trying to fit the world into this worldview and the pain you’re experiencing is that it won’t conform to what you believe. 

But look, you’re here, you’re asking for help and I’m going to help you. And I am going to be 100% sincere here. I’m not going to dunk on you or mock you; I want help you stop hurting. I am, however, going to be blunt, and if you want the pain you’re feeling to stop, then you’re gonna have to let go of your defensiveness and — in the words of Morpheus — free your mind.

Now if you want to get better, let’s start with an obvious question. Leave aside the whole “6 6’s” thing for a moment and ask yourself this: why should any woman want to date someone who very clearly doesn’t like them? I mean, even if we allow for all of it being true (it’s not) and you’re this swaggering six pack with a muscle car and a porn-star dick… why would a woman want to date someone who holds her entire gender in contempt? What is going to entice a woman to want to spend any amount of time with someone who says “[women] are pretty much only good for sex”? What incentive would they have to date someone who insists “they have little to no temperance and they sure as fuck can’t pairbond or display loyalty”?

If you want to understand why women don’t want to date you… that’s a pretty good place to start. No woman out there is interested in spending time with someone who doesn’t like them, doesn’t respect them and can’t be bothered to actually treat them like people. And before you respond with “well they don’t deserve my respect”, you may want to start with the fact that you’re starting from a place of contempt. You’re setting the entire tone by coming to this from a place where you believe that they should “earn” respect from you without giving them a single reason for wanting your respect in the first place. You say that they don’t display loyalty, but why should they be loyal to you? What have you done to earn it? You say they can’t pairbond, but the issue isn’t can’t, it’s won’t because why in pluperfect fuckery should they want to bond with someone who feels this way.

(And let’s be real man: you ain’t hiding this attitude from anyone.)

Our second question is just as simple and just as obvious: If you have those 6’s, why should women want to date you? I mean, ignoring the whole question of “so, exactly how are you trying to tell women about the salary and your penis”, why should women want to date you, specifically, instead of some other dude who’s got the same stats? What is it about you that makes you special and desirable if there’s other dudes out there who’re just as tall and just as ripped and just as wealthy? Because, I hate to break it to you, man, but none of that is that special or interesting. As the saying goes: “dick is abundant and of low value”. What do you bring to the table that would make women want to date you over someone else? Because if it’s just about the numbers, then you’re shit out of luck man; there’s no reason why any woman shouldn’t just hold out for something better.

(And that’s without getting into the question of all of those shorter, balder dudes who don’t make six figures who, oddly enough, still date, have sex, get married and have kids. And for all that you can claim that their wives and girlfriends are cheating on the side, you’re gonna have to give some actual evidence. And fair warning, that’s going to be a pretty high bare to clear. It’s gonna require more than forum posts or a link to a study where you couldn’t be bothered to even read the entire abstract, never mind the actual procedures and conclusions.)

The next question: you say men aren’t made of stone, but women lose attraction when they open up. OK, cool. So, let’s have a hypothetical here: what would happen if you admitted to being scared and lost and terrified to your Red Pill bros? Not frustrated or angry or resentful but terrified, knowing that you can’t last another day. If you were to break down crying in front of your Red Pill bros, what, precisely, do you think would happen? And I don’t mean a single man tear, but straight up sobbing because it’s all been too much. Would they hug you, let you know that you’re not alone and that it’s all going to be ok? Would they comfort you and then, when the tears dried, help you get access to the resources you needed? Or would they call you a pussy, tell you to man up, find your balls and quit being such a little bitch?  If the woman of your dreams broke your heart, would they commiserate with you, support you as you felt the fuck out of your feelings and helped you put the pieces of your life back together? Or would they tell you to forget that bitch and go fuck ten other girls to get over her? Or, for that matter, would they tell you that this happened because some other dude, with better abs and more money was probably giving her the long-dick fucking you never could?

For that matter, when, precisely, is the last time you’ve been that genuinely open and vulnerable with any of them? Or are women the only people you ever let yourself open up to?

I ask because one of the biggest reasons why men buy into the idea that women lose attraction when they open up isn’t because they don’t like emotional men. It’s because men are taught to be so distanced from their feelings, to force everything down, that they have no healthy emotional outlets. The problem isn’t that women don’t like emotional men, it’s that men tend to repress everything until they vomit all their feelings all at once… and usually on someone they’re dating. The problem isn’t the emotions or opening up, it’s the fact that they dump it all out at once and expect the women in their lives to act as both mother and therapist. And while some women may do the “I can heal this broken bird” thing, they will almost always do it once, because women have their own lives to live. They don’t have the time, inclination or energy to nurse someone else into emotional maturity. Especially someone who made it clear that he doesn’t like or trust them.

Speaking of trust though, that leads to our next question: could you trust your Red Pill bros? Not with your life but, say, with your deepest, darkest secrets? Could you could you tell them something deeply personal — maybe humiliating, maybe something you regret or something you’re afraid of — and expect them to not only keep it secret but not to use it against you in some way? For that matter, could you trust any woman you date with your Red Pill bros? Could you, in good conscience, let her hang out with any of the guys you’ve learned from? Would you trust them not to make a move on your girlfriend… or worse? And if one of them did do something, could you trust any of them to have your back? Or would it be a case that you should’ve known better and if someone else could pull her, then clearly you weren’t enough for her?

I mean, just between you, me and everyone who reads this column: we all know the answer is “no”. Because the truth is that the system you’ve bought into tells you that you can’t relax. You can’t ever let your guard down, because someone else is going to take advantage. After all, one of the surest ways to prove your masculine credentials is to dominate someone else and take theirs.

Since there’s always a bigger fish — or I guess, a bigger dick or bigger abs or someone with more money — you can’t ever be secure in your relationship. You have to constantly be on the look out for potential threats — other guys who’re waiting for you to show weakness or an opportunity to slide into your girl’s pants.

There’s actually a term for this: hypervigilance. And, as it turns out, putting yourself in situations where you believe that you’re constantly stressed, unable to relax and you can’t trust anyone and you can’t measure up for long periods of time can fuck your head. Like, say, if you can’t trust women because they’re always going to leave you but you can’t trust men because they’re always looking for an opportunity to cuck you.

Last question: who’s told you that you’re not enough? Who’s actually told you that you don’t measure up? And I don’t mean “by implication”, I mean actually said this to you, in those words. Because I can guarantee you: it wasn’t the women you were dating. Free hint: it was your Red Pill bros, man. The calls are calling from inside the house.

But hey, let’s put this into something you might understand a little more. I’m entirely unsurprised you’re a Fight Club fan. I mean, no shade, so I’m I; you can’t swing a stick without hitting a Fight Club reference around here.

I really wasn’t kidding…

But like a lot of folks, you missed… pretty much the whole point of Fight Club. The most obvious is the fact that Tyler Durden doesn’t actually exist and nobody actually sees him. We see Tyler, because movie, but nobody else can. When Marla is all hot and bothered and turned on and getting fucked like a champion, she’s not getting it from Brad Pitt in all his carved-from-abs glory, she’s getting it from Ed Norton, as schlubby as you can imagine. Just as importantly, there’s the fact that Tyler is explicitly what the Narrator thinks he’s supposed to be. This ain’t subtext; it’s text. “All the ways you wish you could be, that’s me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.” Except Tyler doesn’t actually make things better for the Narrator; trying to be Tyler is what makes everything worse — to the point that the Narrator tries to blow his head off instead.

You know the first — and last — time that the Narrator is actually happy? When he’s in group therapy. When he cries. It may be under false pretenses, and it’s an incredibly unhealthy way of getting his needs met, but when he’s able to open up, be emotional and just let everything out? It’s the best he’s ever felt. Again, this is literally the text of the movie: “even babies don’t sleep this well.” But once Tyler is an active force in the Narrator’s life, he doesn’t sleep well ever again; he spends the rest of the story in a state of constant sleep deprivation, suffering from the same insomnia he’d been dealing with at the start. It’s why he starts having black-outs and why Tyler is able to implement so much of his plans without the Narrator’s knowledge.

Tyler — and Fight Club — are manifestly making his life worse.

And just as importantly is the fact that Tyler’s message is “ok, you haven’t been given the rewards you were promised for being men. The answer is to step away from society’s demands to be men by… doing all the things society says men are supposed to do and be all the things that men are supposed to be.” Literally everything that Fight Club — and Project Chaos — embodies is what Tyler says is the problem. It’s all about giving up your identity to what someone else say you should be in order to get nebulous rewards that aren’t coming anyway.

So, dude. You’re hurting. I get that. You’re miserable. I empathize. You want to feel like you’re enough, to have your self-esteem back and feel good for once.  I totally get that.

It’s incredibly simple. You even stumbled across it yourself: “The Manosphere doesn’t seem to have any real advice on this issue as far I can find. It mostly seems like losers who can’t get laid with a few men who have extensive experience with women and won’t give it up sprinkled in.”

You’ve surrounded by people who’ve been telling you, over and over again, that you’re not enough. That you can’t trust anyone, that women will never love you and that you can’t trust men. You will never measure up because there will always be someone “better”. That is the entire problem.

Step away from the Red Pill community. Delete the bookmarks, close your accounts, forget your logins. Spend… let’s say, six weeks doing a digital detox. You don’t need to read bell hooks or Susie Bright or anything, just spend six weeks away from any and all Red-Pill and adjacent communities. Reconnect with friends outside the community, spend some time taking walks out in nature, even just read a book or two for pleasure. Don’t worry about dating, women or any of the rest.

You will be astounded at how much better you feel.

And from there… well, the next step would probably talking to a counselor, because you’re in a lot of pain and that’s not gonna go away on its own.

But before you can stop hurting, you’re gonna have to spit out the Red Pill. Because, I hate to tell you this: that pain you feel isn’t premature enlightenment. It’s just poison. And it’s been eating you up from the inside.

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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