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You are here: Home / Archives for toxic masculinity

Episode #96 – This Is Why You Fail

October 24, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

How often has the frustration of being single gotten to you? How many times have you asked yourself: why aren’t you going to get any better? Why do other people find love and you don’t? Why aren’t you able to build the life that you want to live and be the man you dream about being? It’s time to talk about the reason why so many guys won’t find a girlfriend or lover… and what you can do to avoid their mistake.

Show Highlights: 

  • What is the Negativity Bias and why does it ruin your social success?
  • Why so many men choose pain over love
  • Why we believe that truth has to hurt
  • How men’s anxieities cause them to self-destruct
  • How to build the strength you need to keep going

…and so much more.

Related Links:

What Is Toxic Masculinity? – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/what-is-toxic-masculinity/

Build Your Emotional Resilience – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/build-emotional-resilience/

Your Attitude Controls Your Dating Success – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/your-attitude-controls-your-dating-success/

The Only Thing In The Way of Social Success – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/only-thing-in-way-success/

Redefining Failure – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/redefining-failure/

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Filed Under: Podcasts Tagged With: emotional health, emotional intelligence, masculinity, podcasts, self-improvement, social intelligence, toxic masculinity, youtube

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Escape My Red Pill Past?

July 27, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc, I’ll get right to the heart of the matter.

Growing up, I’ve had a leftward political migration. Where as I was a run of the mill, centre-right type with a very poor grasp of politics and the history that goes into it, I’ve migrated more and more towards what might be called the left, as broad and useless as that term is. This is something which is quite rare in guy with my background which is a middle class, upper caste hetero guy who grew up in India during the early 2000s. I went from thinking Nazis were these cool looking villians and having Nazi propaganda poster as my Facebook picture to actually understanding the depth of their barbarity and desperately trying to scrub that from my page. I went from thinking that while feminism was necessary in the past but is now out to destroy video games to realizing that I mostly agree with feminists. I went from being uber-religious to being an atheist. From thinking that free markets solve everything to realizing that the genuine pitfalls of capitalism and a need for social democracy. This will all get important in a bit.

Part of that was the fact that when I was younger ( 18ish ) I was drawn into PUA stuff, which I admittedly just skimmed through instead of reading it thoroughly. But the fact is if you’re repeatedly exposed to something and you don’t make an effort to pushback against that from a skeptical viewpoint, it seeps into your worldview. This all kept building up and as I was conditioned by various experience, I was turning into this “Nice Guy” stereotype, something I was driven away from by reading things like Heartless Bitches International (Which I think should be required reading for anybody complaining about being Friend-Zoned) and books like No More Mr. Nice Guy (which, admittedly, I still haven’t completed, in that I’ve read the book but not followed along with the exercises in it).

But somehow I still was being sucked deeper and deeper into the orbit around The Red Pill, and while I never visited those subreddits I still, on an honest reflection, found that my views and theirs kinda overlap.  I’m nowhere near as misogynistic as them, mind you. It’s that I find myself reading some blogpost from people like Rollo Tomassi and thinking with something quite resembling a deep conviction that women can never love men, not really. That they are all really hypergamous, and any pleasantness on their side is just a facade, a way to get stuff done. This put me in a really dark place in 2017 and was exacerbating the anxiety and depression I already deal with. I thought, when the world’s so bad for those with girlfriends, what’s the chances of a 21 year old fat virgin who does not match the ideals of hegemonic masculinity that are prevalent in my culture.

Thankfully, I found many resources to get through that helped me through that time, I was talked down from that by an uncle who was a player in his 20s, but is single now (in his 30s). I found the ExRedPill subreddit that was massive help, and through them I found things like the works of bell hooks, Mark Manson and you.

And even though I have largely overcome the bad part, I think, I still have this bubbling feelings of anxiety from the residual attitude I have. I still feel hopeless and despondent when I read so many studies about things like “Bad Boy” allure or ones how females are more likely to rate High-T indicators showing males as more attractive while they are ovulating and Lower-T indicators showing males while they are not. I admit, I’m not that well-versed on how to distinguish between a good and a bad study. However, from one statistic class I took I know that bigger the sample size the more confidence one can have on extrapolating it on the general populace. I am also skeptical of studies that seems completely trusting of assumptions baked into their methodologies and aren’t cross cultural.

I’m sure that there is a lot of confirmation bias involved in this. But I don’t know how to get out of this rut in my brain. For all that I have read on gender and socialization, I can’t get behind the outright denial of evo-psych I see so prevalent on the left, even while granting that 90-95% of “research” that comes under the banner of evo-psych are fucking bullshit. I can’t agree with the assertion that all the differences we see are socially constructed given that there is a ton of research showing how sex differences emerge by a very early age when not a lot of socialization has taken place, but at the same time when someone says something like “It’s all biology” and “There are only two genders”, I can only think of how unbelievably naive they are on this topic. But all of this is besides the point.

The thing is I have better things to focus on than this. In 2017, I put no effort into campus placements because I was struggling with this, and the anxiety it built up. Similarly now, from time to time, I become embroiled in this, fall down the rabbit hole and don’t focus on things that are more urgent, more important, like that fact that I don’t have a job still and am dependent on my parents. The fact that I’m not working hard enough towards my portfolio. The fact that all the friends I had in college are in different cities, the nearest one being a 2 hr metro ride away, and most of which were toxic and performance-based anyway, where only 2-3 of them I can say had any mutual ‘philia’ and I’m not doing anything that would change that.

How can I get past these attitudes so that they no longer cripple me on my path towards self improvement?

Choking on The Red Pill

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Ask Dr. NerdLove Tagged With: ask dr. nerdlove, online dating, PUA, self-improvement, self-limiting beliefs, the red pill, toxic masculinity

Episode #79 – Men and the Epidemic of Loneliness

June 7, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Men, especially heterosexual men, tend to have very few deep, emotional connections, and of the ones they do have, very few of them are with other men. And that’s actually a problem.

Men are dealing with an epidemic of loneliness and isolation and it’s literally killing us. But despite the damage that loneliness can cause, men have a hard time finding and fostering emotionally close and intimate relationships. Why are male friendships so shallow and transitory and what can we do to build the relationships we need? 

Show Highlights:

  • How loneliness is literally hurting men 
  • Why men have a harder time building closer, stronger social ties than women
  • How society inadvertently teaches men to avoid close friendships with other men
  • Why toxic masculinity prevents men from from building the relationships we want
  • How the ways men try to bond actually makes it harder to actually become close with their friends

… and so much more.

Related Links

Detoxifying Toxic Masculinity

Why We All Feel So Lonely

What Men Really Need

The Surprising Need For Male Intimacy

Defining a Modern Masculinity

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Filed Under: Podcasts Tagged With: be a better man, emotional health, emotional intelligence, friendship, loneliness, make new friends, making friends, masculinity, podcasts, positive masculinity, toxic masculinity, youtube

Episode #76 – The Virginity Paradox

May 17, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Recently, we’ve been talking about toxic masculinity and all of the ways that it damages men on the individual level and society on the whole. One of the enduring questions is: so what do we do about it.

Part of the way we start end the damage that toxic masculinity does and help heal some of the pain is to talk openly and honestly about some of the issues that come bundled in the toxic masculinity package. And one of the biggest issues is the topic of sex – especially how it affects men who aren’t having it.

A lot of people – men and women both – feel ashamed of being virgins, and honestly, the way we treat virginity is profoundly fucked up. And it can be especially troubling for male virgins because there’s a lot of cultural bullshit caught up in masculine identity and sexuality. Sex is a core component of toxic masculinity; your value and measure of a man is in how much sex you have and how often you have it. If you haven’t had any… well, are you really a man at all?

It’s time to talk about the shame, the stigma and the frustration that comes from being a virgin when you don’t want to be.

Show Highlights:

  • How our brains drive our frustration with being virginity
  • Why toxic masculinity is behind the shame of being a male virgin
  • How society creates pressure to lose your virginity as soon as possible
  • Whether being a virgin is a turn-off to women
  • Why there’s no such thing as “too late”

…and so much more

Related Links:

The 20, 30 and 40 Year Old Virgin

The “Problem” With Male Virginity

The Virgin’s Guide To Great Sex

Sex For Beginners

How To Be An Amazing Kisser

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Filed Under: Podcasts, Sex Tagged With: male sexuality, male virginity, podcasts, sex, sexuality, toxic masculinity, virginity, what is a real man, youtube

Episode #75 – How Do You Fix The Problem With Incels?

May 10, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Over the last couple of weeks, it seems as though the world has been talking about incels – people who refer to themselves as being involuntarily celibate. But while we are all bringing attention to the existence of incels, but there aren’t many resources for people who want to stop being involuntarily celibate. What is the real issue that drives otherwise good people to the incel community? How can someone who calls themselves involuntarily celibate break the cycle and escape the hate and misogyny that’s inherent in the incel scene?

Show Highlights:

  • Why getting laid and sex workers aren’t the solution to the problem with incels
  • How incels doom themselves to failure when they try to get better
  • Why sex and sexual frustration isn’t the root of the problem
  • How the incel community deliberately makes people feel worse
  • The key to fixing the real problem that’s driving incels

… and so much more.

Related Links: 

The “Problem” With Male Virginity

Your Attitude Controls Your Dating Success

Where Do You Get Your Validation?

Unlearning Helplessness

Why We All Feel So Lonely (And What We Can Do About It)

Amwell Online Therapy

Escape from Incel: Redditor explains how he extracted himself from the toxic subculture and rejoined the real world

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Consider becoming a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Filed Under: Emotional Intelligence, Health, Podcasts Tagged With: emotional health, forever alone, incels, loneliness, male virginity, older virgin, podcasts, roger elliot, toxic behavior, toxic masculinity, virginity, youtube

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • Aggrax Sorry to hear your having so much trouble LW. Congrats of losing the weight and keeping it off, that's seriously hard. Im rooting for you, hope things get better soon.

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Feeling Like Such A Loser? ·  December 9, 2019

  • fuzzilla I guess I thought of the password thing as a show of faith both that LW isn't up to anything shady and also that LW is trusting K to not feel the need to obsessively check up on him. (Honestly, not...

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: I Cheated. Now She’s Threatening To Blow Up My Marriage. ·  December 9, 2019

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    Episode #128 – How To Get Over Your Fear of Rejection ·  December 9, 2019

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    Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Feeling Like Such A Loser? ·  December 9, 2019

  • fuzzilla I honestly missed the bit about the passwords in Cyberwulf's comment. Now that you point it out, I guess I read it as a show of faith that K has nothing to worry about and not that K would literally...

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