toxic relationships Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

How Should I Tell My Friend How I Feel?

June 26, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I’m a woman in my 50s, waiting on divorce papers after years of separation (mutually stayed for economic reasons and kid with special needs). Kids now launched. Divorce is very amicable. Soon-to-be-ex is in another relationship, and I wish them well. It’s not the reason for the divorce. This isn’t the drama, just mentioning for context. I’ve had many years to process my divorce. Therapy has helped. I’m doing the work and I’m ready to move on with my life.

I met a man 5 years ago at a work conference. He’s late 50s. Not married. Lives in another country. The day we met, he stared and smiled at me for an hour in a meeting and when we were later introduced, we really clicked. We then ended up working closely for a few years, so we were professional and only saw each other annually for work. We always hug—he puts his arms out for me from 3m away and apparently smiles for me unlike for others (colleagues have commented).

He knows I am divorcing and that it’s amicable, but he doesn’t know I am leaving our field of work as soon as the divorce is done, so I can move to a new city. I believe my divorce is a hard line for this man and I utterly respect this. I’ve interpreted it as one of the reasons the relationship never launched romantically, so I’ve been fine waiting. I could be wrong and maybe he’s just lost interest; he gives mixed signals (hugs and flirty smiles, but then cancels on drinks, saying meetings came up). We only see each other at work meetings, usually around the globe. Those have stopped now with COVID. We don’t have the kind of relationship where I can just call him up with no pretext, and he doesn’t do that either. We are both a bit restrained culturally. But if it was for work, I could absolutely call, and after we would chat quite amiably about our many shared interests. He’d totally help me with a problem.

I am stuck with all the feelings that have grown over these years of getting to know him of what could be if we could only discover if the attraction is real. I want to tell this man how I feel, since when I will leave this work, I will probably not ever see him again. I’ve been thinking of sending him a letter when I do to say how I feel and what meeting him meant to me, but don’t want to seem aggressive or worse, needy. I know my divorce has taken a long time but now that it’s almost done, I want this man to know when I am free.

I do not expect to add water and mix to the relationship for instant love; I want to open the door and hope he walks through. There is catharsis in letting the feelings out regardless of the outcome, but obviously I hope for a chance at love with him.

Is there a better way to open the door for this relationship?

Thanks,

Tongue Tied

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Help, My Girlfriend Found My Tinder Account and Now She Wants To Break Up

June 22, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr NerdLove

My girlfriend and I have been together for over six months. We met on Tinder.

This morning we were having some friendly banter about how some guys were sliding in her DMs over her latest Instagram story post. To cut a long story short she was telling me how guys would continue to do this sometimes for over a year before getting the message that they had no chance with her. At which point I recounted my own examples of getting zero responses from Tinder matches until months later, and how refreshing it was when I matched with my now girlfriend at how easily the conversation flowed instantly.

At which point my girlfriend re-downloaded Tinder to her phone to reminisce over our initial conversations. She’d always told me how she only downloaded Tinder initially to help her sister see if her then boyfriend was cheating on her (turns out he was). My girlfriend insists she matched with me by mistake (I super-liked her) because she’d never used the app before and didn’t know how it worked. But ultimately it didn’t matter, we exchanged details and the rest is history.

However she then asked me to re-download Tinder to my phone. I thought nothing of it and obliged. She grabbed the phone off me and straight away went to my messages. There was no conversations since I matched with her, but three matches in the weeks after we matched with each other, none of which I messaged. I matched with my now girlfriend in December and deleted the Tinder app some time in January.

My girlfriend has not reacted well. She’s accusing me of not taking things seriously during those first few weeks of dating and disrespecting her, questioning why I would be still swiping girls profiles. I don’t recall when I stopped swiping, in fact those subsequent matches may have occurred weeks after I initially swiped (as often used to happen). I have tried to reassure her that it means nothing, that there was no chatting or flirting with anyone else after the time we met each other. I never messaged or flirted with anyone, either on Tinder or any other dating app, any social online media or in real person.

But I am 37 years old and have been stung before by going “all into” relationships very early on, so if I am guilty of anything it would be having the fear that dating this girl might go nowhere and if I do things symbolically to show my long term commitment in those first few weeks of dating, that it would jinx the relationship.

My girlfriend is 24 and never really had a proper serious relationship before (she was a virgin when we met). She is from the Balkans in Eastern Europe and I am from the UK. We are generations and cultures apart and I don’t think she understands how the dating world works in my culture.

She wants to break up with me over this. I can’t convince her otherwise. I don’t feel culpable of anything, certainly to warrant ending the relationship now! Ultimately I think it’s a culture clash that I can’t get her to understand. In her culture she would expect us to have been at least engaged by now, and if it hadn’t been for covid-19 lockdown restrictions, I probably would have been engagement ring hunting. We have been through quite a bit in such a short space of time (including being locked down together because of coronavirus restrictions), but I have been in no doubt that she is the one for me and am fully committed and loyal to her and have been for months.

I’m at a loss at what to do as I thought this girl was really going to be the girl I would spend the rest of my life with. I really don’t feel like I’m in the wrong or deserved to be judged. Maybe I am wrong and if I am, I would appreciate the help into understanding and why and what I should do about it.

Many thanks,

Tinder Toss-Up

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My Boyfriend Keeps Calling Me A Slut And I Don’t Know Why

April 13, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. I am 40 and he is 50. When we first met, I was attracted to him but I thought he was not available. We worked together for a few months. The nature of the work is that we spent nearly the whole day together in the field each day, and we got to know each other well.

When we met, I had been divorced for about six months. During that time, I had a few casual hookups and short relationships. One of these casual relationships happened while we were friends. At the time, I confided in him about it. Time passed, my boyfriend and I started dating, and I haven’t thought about being with anyone else since.

The issue is that he frequently brings up the fact that I had sex with this other person. Sometimes it is in the context of me giving him a criticism or a complaint, and his response is “Well, you did this thing.” Sometimes, this connection seems, to me, to be illogical and unfair. For example, the most recent time was a few days ago when I said something to him about being careful because of the virus (his job requires him to be go out in public every day). He was moody for a few days and then told me that it was hypocritical of me to tell him to be careful of getting sick when I apparently think nothing of sleeping with random guys who could have diseases. In fact, I probably have all kinds of diseases I don’t even know about, according to him. Sometimes, when he starts thinking about this past incident, he will say (text) pretty nasty, slut shaming-type things to me.

The other piece to this is that I believe he has some kind of undiagnosed psychological condition such as depression or bipolar disorder. I’ve suggested that he go to a psychologist, or that we go to therapy, but he has never wanted to do that.

The end result of all this is twofold:

1) I feel like I hesitate bring up many issues for discussion because I’m afraid it will become about how I slept with someone six years ago before we were dating.

2) I get confused by the way he does this, because I think, Why is he with me if he thinks I’m so trashy? But also, I think that sometimes he gets into his head and maybe it’s more about how he’s feeling than it is about anything I have done, and I can just ignore these episodes.

So should I treat this as something that he does that is irrational and maybe an expression of his mental health? Just let him vent and then forget about it? (I have sometimes just temporarily blocked him for the night and by the next morning everything is fine). On one hand, I have a pretty forgiving temperament and I can easily overlook it. On the other hand, I feel something like despair when I think that in five years, ten years, etc., he’s still going to be saying “In 2013 you did x” every few months. I just want a better way to communicate with each other, especially when we are in disagreement.

Past Is Prologue

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Was His Girlfriend Cheating On Him With Her Toxic Ex?

January 17, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

My girlfriend says she was emotionally abused by her ex boyfriend. He had anger and jealousy issues. He would isolate her and dictate the activities they would do together. He would even say hurtful things to her like that she’s not marriage material or that she’ll be alone forever. They dated for about two years and then she broke up with him. He tried desperately to get her back. He would write long elaborate love notes and even drive 4 hours to show up at her front door unannounced. This went on for about a year. She started to date other people and she slowly cut him out of her life.

About a year ago, she received a job offer at the same job that he works at. This would mean they would work in the same city and the same building. This was her dream job so she said yes. When she moved down here for the new job, they began communicating again. Deep feelings for him began to resurface. She discovered that he had a new girlfriend and it really hurt her. She cried for days when she found out. She was confused why she felt like this after the way he treated her in the past. She tried to get back into a relationship with him but he refused because of his new girlfriend. This hurt her even more.

She decided to just try to maintain a professional working relationship. She began dating again and a few months later, she started dating me. She told me the whole story of their relationship. As we began to become serious in our relationship, she decided it was a good idea to keep our relationship a secret so that he does not cause drama at work. I also work in the same building as them.

The next few months was a struggle. He would call her almost every day and she would pick up the phone every time. He would send long texts apologizing for the past and saying that he would like to get back together. She was very transparent with me about these conversations. She said it was important to maintain a professional relationship with him because they work together but it was clear that he wanted more than just a professional relationship. She said she was working on cutting him out of her life but she needed time and to do it her own way. I obliged and allowed the communication to continue between them. They would speak almost daily.

Our relationship continues to progress and by this point, we are serious about each other. We are saying “I love you”, meeting each other’s parents and even talking about the future. Yet, during this same period of time, I would catch her lurking on the new girlfriends social media page. If the ex would post a new photo with his girlfriend, she would see it and her mood would immediately be ruined. They would have phone conversations where they would argue and cry about the past for hours. She said what she was feeling has nothing to do with romantic feelings and everything to do with the aftermath of the emotional abuse she received. I was very confused by this but she confidently said that she was never in love with him. It still hurt when I would see her continue to have these conversations with her ex and see how bothered she was by his new girlfriend.

I did not like how she was handling the situation but I also tried to remain empathetic. I urged her not to text back or answer his calls but she simply could not. She knew that their communication made me uncomfortable. I was often frustrated and it would lead to arguments. When she couldn’t go no contact, I felt that she cared about his feelings more than mine. It seemed that she had this attachment to him. I began to feel like I was being emotionally cheated on. Yet, she always remained very adamant that she was in love with me and not him. She attributes her feelings and tears to the emotional abuse. She knows he wasn’t the one for her.

I told her that he it is unhealthy for them to be in contact and it would be best if she blocked him from everything. It took quite a bit of convincing but she eventually did. We’ve now been together for 6 months and she hasn’t been in contact with him for about three months.

We are still in love and she firmly maintains that she never felt the same love for him. I believe her but I wonder if there are feelings that she can’t fully understand because of the pain she went through?

I know that it can be very hard to detach from a manipulative ex and I admit that I don’t fully understand the effects of an emotionally abusive relationship. I write this because I want to understand how a past emotionally abusive relationship can affect a current loving relationship and how to navigate those difficulties.

I worry that her ex was like a drug, responsible for her highs and lows, and she was going through withdrawals while dating me. I worry that she has been so conditioned by the emotional abuse that she has come to expect it. I want to be assured that I was not emotionally cheated on. I think that is my biggest fear.

Is it possible that she simply did not have enough time to heal from him? I feel like I had to push her to make the decision to block his number. If she was truly over him and healed, wouldn’t she have willingly blocked him for the betterment of our relationship? I recently asked her to unblock him because I felt that blocking him was just an easy way of not having to confront the problem. I never seen her not text back or not pick up his calls and that is still the one thing that makes me believe she was not over him. Unblocking him was my way of testing her to see how she would react if he does reach out again. Was this a bad idea to unblock him? It seemed to be working but I always wonder how far the communication would have gotten if I didn’t push her to block him.

I feel stuck and don’t want to question her anymore. I don’t want to smother her in pursuit of this clarity and understanding that I crave. Please help me understand all of this.

Stuck In 3rd

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: I Hate That My Boyfriend is Friends With His Ex

November 29, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello,

I was introduced to you unintentionally by my boyfriend (let’s call him “P”) that loves watching videos on dating, flirting and how to pick up women, (despite being in a relationship with me for almost 3 years), but P also watches many others videos on how to keep himself looking good too (yay!), P is 56yr old. I enjoyed reading your articles so much that I now come and visit you almost every day to see what’s new and yes! He will read this.

Why am I here? Simple! I cannot accept my partner being friends with his ex, whom he claims was just a FWB for over 3 years and things ended nicely about a year or so before we met. I get the scenario of being friends, because I have witnessed it on someone else, when my sister’s ex-husband’s partner became a good friend of my sister (I’m sure because of my niece). But you know that saying “keep your friends close and you enemies closer”? Just saying.

Ok, let’s back up on things here for a minute…. I come from a wide range of abusive and toxic relationships, ranging from physical abuse like being kicked to the point of giving birth and having an emergency C-section, to being raped while my kids slept on the other room. Not to mention being mentally abuse, controlled and cheated on time and time again.

TRUST is hard to give base on my experiences. Yet, I gave it to this man. I had reached a point in my life when we met where I had said to myself being alone is quite ok for me at this age and then I fell in love with him. Go figure!!

For two years everything was great and amazing, then one day we finally crossed paths with his ex, which I had expected due to places we frequent when going out on dates. Mind you, we were actually on a double “date night” with his friend J and J’s new lady, S. We were at a small music venue where there are various seating arrangements. We were on table for four and the stage was to our left. There was an empty high table for two to our right. I was on the left side of our table and P was to the right.

In comes the ex — call her M. I noticed her right away, my heart started racing, but I kept calm. She walked around and came back to the empty table to our right. She wasn’t alone, maybe with a date. That’s when P saw her and said “Oh! Hey there M”

He quickly introduced us; “This is my girlfriend so and so, this is S and you already know J.” Ok, cool, right! NOT! He then decided to turn himself around (his back to me) and started a catch up conversation with her.

Hello! We are here with 2 other people; you’re here with me… Even his friend J noticed how rude P was being that he made a troubling remark — “Oh he’s digging himself into a hole” — that just made my blood started to boil.

I honestly do not recall what I said to P (shocking!), but I turned myself around to him and I whispered something in his ear about what he was doing. He then stopped and turns my way, music was great and he tried to touch me and caress me after that. Then at the end of the show he turned once again to her (his back to me again) and whispered something to her, because she smiled and nodded her head to him. Grrr! And guess what? We didn’t speak for days after that.

We then had the conversation and I expressed my feelings, the whys and how disrespected I felt. He, on the other hand, didn’t think he had done anything wrong. Still, he understood where I was coming from. We patched things on and all good. We encountered her again 2 weeks later, but it was minor and due to the amount of people around us neither of them got closed enough to talk. No big deal.

A few months, something else happened with a lady coworker where I got signals of attraction between him and the coworker, so I broke into a rage. My bad! I admit I know I can have a bad temper (Puerto Rican Bi*#^$! once someone said) when put on a defensive situation.

When we talked to solve this other issue the M topic came up again. He told me he believes he shouldn’t have to stop talking to his ex, because things ended nicely — to the point where they meet every year in January for a dinner to celebrate birthdays… hers, her daughter’s (adult) and his. I clearly expressed my boundaries once more, and how I found that disrespectful when you’re in a relationship especially after what had happened. Just so you know he invited me to that dinner next year, because my birthday is in January. Honestly, at that point, I opted for letting it go, why fight about something in the future.

OK! Fast Forward to today!!!

He got a phone called later in the day last night, not typical for him due to his work scheduled. He answered and the tone of voice went down and softer, not his normal louder voice. I was in another room the door was ajar, I could hear the voice but not closed enough to hear what he was saying and I told myself “just let it be”. BUT My gut felt tight (not good). Later at night, I broke my own promise and I (for the 1st time) checked his phone (UGH! I know). I saw that this number had called more than once, either dialed or received. I called it the next day.I was praying to hear a male voice, and M answered me. I didn’t speak, I just hung up. I felt so little, so betrayed!

I asked him later that day who had called him the night before, he right away said M. I expressed my irritation and how we had talked about her. He keeps insisting that is nothing that I shouldn’t worry about her, that he would’ve not asked me to move in with him if he wanted to do something with her or any other women. He insists on how he’s not interested on her, or M in him, and that this is all innocent. M only had called him days before to ask him on how to get to a restaurant they had been before. Moreover, that he had called her a day before that night, because it was her birthday. And lastly, that M’s called to him that night was by mistake, yet they spoke for a good 10 minutes hhmm!

I was raised with strong values like respect and honesty among many others, and I feel this is breaking my boundaries and what my values on a relationship are. Yes! My personal hurts have a lot to do with it, but my parents taught me better.

I believe they are both, P and her breaking my boundaries. She clearly knows he is in a relationship and by now (I am sure) knows that I moved in with him a few months back. He is clearly choosing (fairly knowing my take on this) to continue the relationship with her despite my feelings. Listen, I’m not saying to be rude, if we encounter her. I’m not saying wishing a happy birthday is bad, but when I see the many continues contacts between them two – MY “I’m gonna get hurt” WALL comes up with a vengeance. Is a defense mechanism, right?!

I am a 48 year old at a lost and tired of fight childish crap, but do I want to accept her presence like nothing or do I take a risk on this relationship and stand up for myself and for what I believe is right for me. I give my 100% respect, honesty and more; and I sure want the same.

Hell No! I’m not perfect, then again nobody is. Please, please, please give me your insight!

Thank you for your time Sir.

Respectfully,

Wanting My Respect

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