toxic relationships Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

How Do We Tell Our Families We’re Polyamorous?

September 28, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc –

My wife and I have been together for 11 years and have 3 great kids. About three years ago my wife’s friend moved in during a tough spot and never left – we have been a ‘throuple’ ever since and she gave birth about a year ago. After our daughter was born we even had a ceremony and signed a living will to make us all ‘married’.

Here is the issue: She won’t tell her family. They all think we took her in during a rough patch and let her stay after she got knocked up by a dude they have all made up in her minds she was dating. They think it’s cute that she and my wife call me ‘daddy’ when they hand me the baby (‘go to daddy’ etc). My mother and sister know and are, broadly speaking, supportive. My wife’s family adores my “second wife”* and daughter.

*Yes we need better language than that but it’s the best I’ve got.

I get that her family is very conservative but I am not comfortable hiding our deal. I am in love two beautiful women and have great kids. Let’s shout it from the mountaintops or, at least, speak it in conversational tones from a well sized hill.

How do we come out to her family? I’m not comfortable hiding.

Thank You,
Three Some and More

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How Do I get Over Being Used?

September 25, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

So basically I recently “broke up” with this girl. The reason I’m phrasing it like that is because we only dated for like a month. During the time I was dating her, I realized she had an abusive ex who gaslit her, was emotionally negligent and also implicitly fat shamed her by joking that she needs to lose weight. I was very empathetic to her situation and realized she was still healing from this abuser.

However, as I spent more time with her, I realized that she brought up her ex every time I was with her. She broke up with me because she had recently found out that her ex was cheating on her during a time in their relationship when things were going very well. She told me that she is not ready for a relationship and has issues trusting people who she doesn’t have any mutual connections with (we met through an app).

Now, our break up was very amicable (I even cuddled with her after and kissed her goodbye) and I really respect her decision to not dive into a relationship that she wasn’t ready for. However, as time passed, I realized that she might have used me as an emotional band-aid to forget about her ex. When she found out that he cheated, the wound just opened up more and I wasn’t enough to forget the pain. I don’t think she was being malicious or that she was doing it knowingly, however, I do feel a bit used.

To fully understand my situation, I think you need to know a bit of my backstory. I’m 24M, had a very sexually repressive childhood and socially awkward growing up. I had a transformation in college where I became physically attractive and confident and started hooking up with a lot of girls as a means to compensate for the lack of sexual gratification. I realized that that path was not going to help me, I worked on my self esteem and decided to give real dating a shot.

This girl was the first person that I decided to open up to romantically and I feel very angry and upset at myself as I didn’t see the signs. I don’t hold any ill will towards her and I think she’s quite wonderful, but I do wish that the first person that I opened up to didn’t inadvertently use me as a coping tool. I know life isn’t a fairy tale and sometimes things just don’t pan out the way you would’ve liked them to, but it still sucks.

Now Doc, how do I process these feelings of anger and resentment? More importantly, in the future, what can I do to potentially stop this from happening to me again?

Best,
Mr. Oblivious

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Did Fetish Porn Ruin His Sex Life?

September 7, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’m a 23-year-old cishet man with very little experience in sex and dating. Throughout high school, I was a shy guy who had little confidence in myself and it wasn’t until college that I finally got the courage to tell my crushes how I feel. I’ve experienced many rejections since then, got my first kiss when I was 21, and finally lost my virginity at 22 (although I didn’t cum). So very little experience overall. I really want a romantic relationship but fear that my anxiety around women and my inexperience with sex will lower my chances. And there’s also a big problem with my sex drive that I fear will fuck me up in dating.

I have a sneezing/big nose fetish.

I’ve known that I had it since I was 10 years old. I don’t know why, but I do. And ever since I first started masturbating, sneezing porn/ big nose porn is the only reliable thing that gets me off. Lately, I have tried jerking off to regular porn, but it’s really hard to feel the same pleasure. And I don’t get hard when I simply look at a naked woman (boobs, butts, etc.) but I do get hard when I look at a girl with a big nose, or a girl sneezing. It’s really embarrassing, and it’s a part of myself I’m deeply ashamed of, if I’m being honest.

My first sexual partner, I was not able to orgasm with her because I thought it would be weird if I played with her nose. Of course, I was also under a lot of anxiety, so that might have been a factor, and it was also that anxiety that led me to break things off with her, despite the fact that she really liked me.

I really just want to be able to have sex just from looking at an attractive woman, but it seems that the only porn that gets me off is my fetish-y porn. I should mention that “sparks” and general intimacy arouses me, but I don’t know if it’s so much to do with the woman’s body as it is just the good feelings of the chemistry between us. Which may be a hopeful sign, maybe I’m just demisexual.

I don’t know, Doc, I am so confused. Have I ruined my potential sex life forever by exclusively jerking off to fetish porn my entire adolescent and adult life? Or is it still possible for me to find sexual pleasure in the way most guys do?

Would really appreciate your advice if you have any. I rarely ever tell anyone about this, but I’m a huge fan of your advice so I hope you would have some wisdom.

Gonzo The Great

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Why Is My Husband Lying To Me About His “Friend”?

August 5, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello, Dr. NerdLove

I want to begin this message by commenting on how much I truly appreciate your humorous and kind article on dating advice for short men. As a 23-year-old man of 5’6 with some acne and no romantic experience to speak of, I need all the self-esteem boosts I can get. I wouldn’t say that I’ve got a huge chip on my shoulder about it, but I fear that I may be headed in that direction.

That said, I believe my predicament goes further than my stature. You see, I am currently in grad school at a relatively rural college town full of young persons aged around 18-22, a prime demographic for height prioritization and uninteresting conversations. There don’t appear to be many women older than myself on Tinder, and though I get frequently 4-5 matches every two 2 days or so, no one ever responds, and if they do, the conversations eventually peter out anyway.

Though my program is fully funded and provides a sweet stipend, I found myself having to move back home with my folks for the summer, and this will likely be the case for the remainder of my twenties (I’m aiming for a doctorate), since my field typically doesn’t fund students over the summer. Of course, I can’t really do much to work on dating when I live at home, since living with one’s parents as a young man is considered unbecoming, and also because I will be moving back to school several hundred miles away in a few weeks. With all of that in mind, I could use your help in figuring out where to meet women this next school year. I’ve always been told to “get out there,” but it is not clear to me where “there” is. I don’t believe bars would be the best fit for me (for the aforementioned reason concerning my height), and there aren’t many opportunities for meeting grad students in other departments. I do love visiting the university’s art gallery and nearby bookstore, but those seem like unpromising settings to encounter the same person routinely and strike up an acquaintanceship that could lead to something more, don’t you think?

One last thing. Though I am a little awkward and shy, my sense of humor has always been an immense social asset. I have always been the hilarious guy in any group, and I have always had many female friends or acquaintances, but I simply don’t know how proceed. I thank you very much for your kindness and willingness to help me out with this.

Piled Higher and Deeper

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Help, My Girlfriends’ Guy Friends Make Me Jealous

July 24, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

So I have been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for close to two years now. And she has always had some male friends. In fact she has been hanging around these guys for years even before I met her. And she told they’re like brothers to her. I am aware that her mom knows them and is even friends with some of these guys parents. Before we met she use to hang out a lot with them but I told that I didn’t feel comfortable with that and she backed off. It would usually be every once in a while. Lately, especially because of the pandemic we’ve been talking on the phone a lot, close to all day sometimes (I don’t work everyday and she’s out of school at the moment).

These past few weeks they have starting hanging out more, I would say once or twice a week and it really bothers me. I’m currently in a different state for work and I know absolutely no one here and everything is closed to add to it. So phone conversations with my friends or her keep me busy. On the weekends I would try to hang out with some colleagues (that I would not usually go out with) to keep myself from thinking about her being with her friends. She’s a very direct type of girl and would tell you what she thinks right off the bat but I can’t seem to not think that she might be cheating or something especially when she goes home late even though she texts me whenever she’s out. I got so bad that I would get so angry when I come home from work and want to talk with her and she tells me she’s at their place, that I would not text her nor answer her calls until the next day.

I know there is an issue from my side and it starting to be poisonous for me but how should I address this situation?

Green Eyed Monster

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