toxic relationships Archives

Why Do I Feel Insecure With My Girlfriend?

April 18, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc!

I have a problem and I feel very stupid asking this but… the girl I’m currently dating use to date a bodybuilder and, well, I’m not muscular. That alone triggers my alarms; why would a girl who dated a guy with perfect body want to date me? I can not offer her a good body, I don’t even have abs! So is she trying to date a “low value” man like me out of pity ? I don’t have money, I don’t have status, I’m average. I enjoy reading about history and nerd things, I don’t feel I belong in her category. I mean yeah, I met her because of OKCupid and I sent her a message and after a pleasant talk we arranged a date but I thought that I was in her radar because she saw me attractive but I don’t thing that’s the case now.

Sorry for my broken English, it is not my mother language.

A Sad Man

[Read more…]

Kanye West Is No Laughing Matter

February 21, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

It started – as it so often does – with a DM.

“I’m assuming you’re already 15 paragraphs deep on an article Kanye’s behavior…” wrote my good friend Squirrel. Squirrel has long been a sounding board, supplier of memes, Reddit links for column material, and choice, sweet yet devastating dunks delivered in the way that only East Texans can.

So of course, I had to start digging into the latest mess.

Caucasian man in a suit gets angry and smashes the keyboard on the monitor. — Are they *really* your friend if they think you have enough rage in your life?

I’ll be honest: I hadn’t paid that much attention to Kanye’s latest antics. While I was a passing fan of Kanye West’s music – more individual tracks than entire albums – I’d grown tired of the constant “LOL, ‘ye’s off his meds again” tone from social media whenever it was clear he was having a manic episode. It’s hard to feel good giving any oxygen to the latest point-and-laugh controversy when that person is clearly having a mental health crisis. And when Kanye had rolled a truck filled to the brim with roses to his estranged wife’s house… well, ok, it was an incredibly ill-advised Grand Romantic Gesture in an attempt to get his soon-to-be-ex back, but not really something I felt like diving into.

And honestly, after years of incidents like this, it’s been really easy to just roll your eyes at it all. After all, it’s not as though we haven’t seen West do similar over-the-top and ill-advised stunts, from upstaging Taylor Swift to his bizarre, last-minute presidential bid; you could be forgiven for thinking this is just Kanye being Kanye again.

Except it wasn’t. Those roses were part of an ongoing campaign of harassment against Kim Kardashian, one that’s been ongoing since Kardashian filed for divorce over a year ago… and one, it seems, distressingly few folks have been taking seriously. “He’s fighting for his family!” many have said. “He’s just being a provocateur,” others have said. Many have even speculated whether this was a bid for publicity for the release of Donda 2.

But if we’re all honest, it’s glaringly obvious what this is; the only reason we don’t take it seriously is because of his fame, his money and his fans.

Your ex posts about you to their hundreds of followers in ways that make them look like a great parent and make you look like a negligent, terrible parent, but they have to lie or misrepresent the truth to do it

— Jennifer Drake (@drakejenn) February 17, 2022

Let’s talk about why Kanye West’s behavior is no laughing matter, and why we should be paying attention.

[Read more…]

Am I Holding My Girlfriend Back From Her Dream Job?

January 14, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I have been dating this amazing girl for more than a year, and it honestly has been a great. There is one little detail that always gets to me, though. My girlfriend recently graduated from a Master’s program in a field of study she is passionate about. Things being what they are in the job search department, she has been unable to find a job within that particular field.

I am currently entering my last year (hopefully) of my own graduate degree studies and currently have been promoted to a pretty good position at my job (I work at a local theme park) that gives me a 401K and health insurance. My girlfriend and I decided to move in together and she recently got a full time job (at the same theme park, because they were hiring). However, I feel like I am holding her back from her dreams and her professional development.

I often think I should encourage her to look for jobs outside of the state we currently live in, even if it means that we would have to live apart. I don’t want her to think I’m pushing her away, but I also don’t want her to feel stuck at a dead-end job for staying with me.

Career Roadblock

[Read more…]

What’s The Right Way To Ask Someone Out?

December 27, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove:

First of all, I’m really glad that I found you at a time when I decided to get out of my bubble and open myself to relationships and all other possibilities. I’m 22, and frankly, I haven’t dated before. I realize I was in a cocoon for so long, and I’m from a different culture altogether than the usual viewer here. Thinking of it, that’s not an excuse as to why I haven’t dated before. Let’s just say, I wasn’t in a right frame of mind, always inside my head, dealing with my own insecurities, needless to say, overthinking about things. Hey, that’s how I guess you set yourself to be in academia, overthinking.

Now to my question, I’m basically starting from scratch and would some of the things to be explicated. Actually, there’s this girl in my class with whom I hang out with sometime, and I don’t how should I go about asking her. Thing is, spending some time with her I have caught up some feelings, and I think I should put myself out there without any delay. Should I just say, “let’s grab a coffee yada yada yada”, or should I explicitly say that I want to take her out on a date. I don’t want to use the term “friendzone”, but I suspect that may be the case here. I mean when I want to ask her out, I want to let her know that this is for something romantic, and not the usual hang out. That’s the reason I asked whether or not I should use the word “date” explicitly.

Adding to this, I think I’m prepared to take a no for an answer too, so it’s not like I’d flake or anything. I mean, I’d be bit hurt if she says no, but that’s expected.

Second, I know you’ve written several articles, heck books on this, but I still want to ask “how do you avoid the Friend Zone“, but with a slightly variation. Suppose you meet someone or have a cool conversation with, or a cutie you’ve developed crush on and now that you’ve gone and talk to her, what should you do? Ask her for a date then and right there or just get her number and shoot off? And again, as with my previous question, when in fact you do ask her, should I you use the word “date” explicitly.

Sorry, if I’m being too blunt here, what do they say, brute force approach. I’m at a point zero with this thing, getting into it much later than many of my peers and I don’t know how should I approach it. There’s an element of regret on missing out and being uncool too. Like, hey sucker, look at those folks they’ve been banging out since teenage and here you’re at 22 having never been there. I don’t know how to deal this with feeling.

This is all I have to ask and say, I love what you’re doing and we very much need a positive and level headed presence like you in the internet.

Thanks

First Time Jitters

[Read more…]

How Do I Stop Someone Who’s Trying to Ruin My Marriage?

November 17, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello,

I happened to find you through a google search when I tried to look up info about how to avoid creeping people out. I’m emailing you because I want to see if you’re able to answer any questions that I have about your article: “Social Awkwardness is Not an Excuse” in writing? I’m asking because I have limited ability to pick up on non-verbal cues and adhere to social norms due to my Aspergers, which is often resulting in me being subject to numerous complaints to school officials and authorities. Many times, I normally don’t realize that what I happened to do to someone is actually crossing the line until the very last minute, which by then, it’s already too late for me to fix. Here are the following questions:

1. What creepy behaviors would most likely subject the person responsible to civil and/or criminal penalties, including disciplinary action from school?

2. Do difficulties with social cues and norms really increase the risk of unintentionally creeping people out? If so, can you explain how come and how prevalent this issue is?

3. Many times, I often resort to briefly advocating to those I’m about to associate and/or frequently cross paths with about my Aspergers and the extent of it (which especially includes my frequent need for clear communication) in order to reduce the chances of any misconceptions that could happen. What do you have to say about that?

4. I’ve heard rumors that because women and girls are conditioned to be nice in certain situations, any chance of them communicating clearly to you if something was to happen that I may not know about is very rare. Is that really true? If so, how can I possibly get around this?

5. How come can’t you use “I wasn’t really aware since she didn’t communicate her boundaries to me clearly” as an excuse when it comes to being accused of unintentionally creeping her out? Bc for me, this is more of a concern if the circumstances were a misconception

Please note that I am NOT seeking a dating relationship by asking these questions, I’m only trying to make sure I have confidence in building friendships the acceptable way and staying out of trouble in general from there. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you,
Trying To Find The Manual

[Read more…]