toxic relationships Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do I Only Date Men Who Want To Use Me?

April 26, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I hope this message finds you well. I have been reading some of your advice to other hoomans and figured it’d be nice to walk away with some perspective for problems of my own.

Some things to know about me are that I am a straight, cisgendered 23 year old woman with strong hetero-romantic inclinations towards men, particularly men of color. I am Dominican-American, meaning, I was U.S. born and am a product of Dominican parents. I grew up in a single parent household where my mother was my caregiver and because of that I never really grew up around me or even knew anything about men until I started dating and befriending them some time around high-school.

To get to the point of my issue: I have only had one very real relationship. It was with a Brazilian guy that I met at my University. We hit it off so well that I went on to meeting his family in Brazil and had a 2 year long relationship. Come to find that he was actually just in it for the visa. I should have seen the red flags coming when our first day doing long distance (me in the States and him in Brazil) he was obsessively trying to calculate how to make his way back to the U.S. by coming up with the craziest conclusions. And before you say it was because he wanted to be with me, once that boy got a student visa to come do his masters in the U.S. that was it for our relationship. A week before his student visa coming in the mail and a month away from flying to the states to be exact. Anyway the details as to why I believed he was interested in me for the visa are long-winded and extremely painful to discuss.

Due to my cultural background I know these type of tricks exist. There is even a Dominican hit called “Pa manga’ mi Visa” which is about a two men who delineate specifics as to how and why he wants to date a “gringa” –to get his visa. Over and over I see this happening. Either an actual business like transaction where both parties involved know its a fake relationship with the means of receiving real marriage visas in exchange for money OR the worst one where the other person doesn’t know they are being deceived.

As you can imagine, this experience was really traumatic. As a woman that considers she has daddy issues and has started out life with a very low notion of self worth with an enormous amount of frustration towards myself and constant resugrances of imposter syndrome throughout my academic career –this was a blow to my person. I hit an all time low where I underwent chronic depression and even went through a period of suicidal ideation. Because I gave him everything and loved him unconditionally. Needless to say, he broke my heart.

My first boyfriend was Saudi and all he wanted was to get it in because he clearly couldn’t do that in his hometown without facing some hurdles. He used me for sex and took my virginity.

Present day, I feel pretty healed from that experience and am in the search for new experiences with genuine people. I feel I can speak for all women when I say that it is as though I am constantly hitting a brick wall. Just a few months ago it happened yet again, another Brazilian ( Idk wtf right?). This time it was short lived because I knew to look for the signs. As soon as he said “I have a court case coming up that will determine my status in this country” I knew that that “I love you” one month into the relationship was total love bombing and BS.

Just last week I ended up dating a guy from Venezuela. He has refugee status and is set on that front but due to my past experiences I decided to lie to him by telling him I was born in the DR. But come to find that we had sex 5 times in a row literally a night ago and he already broke the “call the night after having sex rule” where he was texting me every morning for the last week and just right after having sex he completely goes missing. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he just didn’t want to come off as clingy BUT like dude..c’mon. I feel so used right now!!

So at 23 I have reached the conclusion that dating men is hard. Especially when you don’t know much about men. I want to find someone genuine but through my 6 experiences thus far I only get the ones that are horny and only want sex or the kind that want a visa. I know that my easy fix is not dating men that have weird immigration statuses and that I should focus on dating men that already have that documented status secured. But I can’t help but wonder if I am just a means for someone’s ends all the time? Like, I get that people are highly self interested and that being selfish is part of human nature. But I feel like I am a good girl trying to date a good guy. I consider myself tender, humble, open minded, caring and overall really loving. I’m just really pessimistic of the future and what it holds for me. And if maybe I should just remain single. I just find that it is so hard to get caught up in thinking that my self worth is measured by a guy’s attractions towards me and if all life has been handing me thus far is an absent father, a couple visa-seekers, and douchebags that only want sex, it’s hard to believe yourself as someone worthy of love and affection. I just seem to suffer more than most people and get my heart broken too easily. Something that may take someone 1 month to get over literally takes me an entire year. And I don’t want this for myself anymore. I’m done crying and suffering over this and I just want to make peace with myself… I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Free Lunch

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did I Ruin Sex For My Ex?

October 26, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I got out of a long-term relationship (2.5 years) recently. It was a mutual, polite and extremely amicable break-up, to the extent that a mutual friend who is consoling both of us has called it the most amicable break-up ever. We collectively realised that we wanted different things out of the relationship – I was too much of a planner for her, she was always more about spontaneity – and parted ways. I am doing okay, your advice about an ended relationship not being a failed relationship has helped me a lot.

One of the reasons I’m not 100% better that I can’t really talk about with my friends because we move in HEAVILY overlapping social circles is… the sex. For context, we lost our virginity to each other within the first few months. This was, in large part, because my ex helped me through my initial anxieties (I was 22 the first time we had sex).

We were, I would say, certainly compatible on a basic level, but I always had a higher sex drive than she did. For the first year and a half this wasn’t so much of a problem, because we were having sex regularly enough that I could deal, but then I got a new job with less flexibility. That lead to us not having the time (since it pretty much killed any chance of “wanna stay the night?” without lots of planning, which was anathema to her) and combined with the steady loss of intimacy (and a corresponding growth in my anxiety) our sex life completely petered out.

The core of my issue… I think I might have scared my ex off sex. And I feel really guilty about this.

The last time we attempted sex was 12 months before we broke up; a spontaneous moment after we had run back to my house from a freak rain shower. (Before that, a gap of a few months for the summer; before that, a few months for exams – so we were already on the wind down). After a few failed attempts at penetration I tried going down on her and, presumably because of nerves, that didn’t do the job either. My ex was never really someone who needed much foreplay, so I knew something was wrong. Once everything cooled down I told her about vaginismus – because I genuinely thought that she might have it and that she would be willing to maybe get some help and work through it – and promised that I would help her.

I then embarked on what I thought was helpful but which I can now see was probably pressuring behaviour. I tried to ask her what I could request in the bedroom (essentially, if penetrative sex was off-limits, then I wouldn’t ask for it) and got told that she didn’t know. I bought her a vibrator so we had more options in the bedroom, she reacted with disgust and later told me it never got taken out of its packaging. Weeks went by and I got increasingly frustrated that not only were we not having sex, but we weren’t even doing anything that might potentially lead to it any more. Eventually at the end of the academic year once everything was over – and after plans for her to stay the night had fallen through again – I flat out asked if I should be worried about the lack of sex, to which I was told that sex was horribly stressful and she wasn’t up for it because of her exams… which didn’t really solve the rest of the issues I was worrying about at the time.

Long story short, we went on our first – and obviously now last – holiday together about a month before we broke up. It was, in hindsight, a disaster. We were, a few good moments aside, constantly stressing out at each other from planning right through to the airport home. Most of all, on our 2.5-year anniversary night (which I had based a fair bit of the holiday around) suffice it to say things did not go as I had planned; possibly because while I didn’t explicitly state it outright I think I probably made it a little too obvious that I was expecting things to end with a bang. In hindsight that was the moment we stopped working, because our expectations had so clearly diverged.

But… women don’t just stop wanting sex for no reason, right?

I feel like I failed her, because she was able to help me with my anxiety issues and I couldn’t help her with hers. I’m scared my ex is about to become one of those statistics you hear about women who can’t enjoy sex because of negative past experiences. Most of all, we broke up saying we both wanted the other to be happy and I’m upset that I might have cost her a large part of that chance. I want to deal with this guilt – partly because otherwise I reckon I’m going to be an anxious wreck in the bedroom if/when I do end up dating again – but I don’t think asking my ex about her sexual hang-ups is a good idea right now assuming it ever was. Any advice you have would be appreciated.

Help me Dr-Wan Kenobi you’re my only hope.

Did I Break It?

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Being The Toxic Friend?

September 14, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,
I recently realized (well, “accepted” would be more accurate) that I qualify as someone who is a toxic friend. A couple of months ago, my friends pointed out I would not behave in the same way depending if I was with one of them alone or if I was with a larger group. At the time, I didn’t thought about it, the very idea that I may be an asshole to them didn’t even occur to me.

However, it finally hit me. See, when I’m with a large group, I start making “jokes” (and I mean very very stupid jokes) and passive-aggressive comments, mostly at the expense of one of my friends. These get to the point that…I don’t know how she can still agree to talk to me. Almost everything turns into a weapon I use. The only reason I say “almost” is because there is still a line that I didn’t cross with those “jokes”, and that I’m very afraid of crossing one day.

(There is also one last important information regarding our friendship; I do have a crush on her, which wasn’t the case when we met and started to hang out. Honestly, as I’m typing that, I don’t even know anymore if I can call myself a friend of her.)

I’m ashamed of this. I don’t want to be that kind of person. I don’t want to hurt those who are close to me, and I don’t want to drive them away. I don’t have any excuses. I mean, I think I know why I act like that in front of a large group (lack of social skills, stupidly high level of anxiety) but I’m fully aware that it’s wrong. I need to get rid of that behavior, otherwise, sooner or later, I will lose my friends.

So, I’m asking you: can you give me some advice on where to begin? Is apologizing to her a first step? How can I work on stopping to act like an asshole? Feel free to bring the Chair Leg of Truth, Doc. I need your help, I want to be able to be a good friend and if you think the best medicine is a harsh medicine, then don’t spare me.

Heel Face Turn

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Get Others To Respect My Boundaries?

September 10, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’ll admit, this isn’t a question related to romantic relationships, but rather to familial relationships, although I do believe that the advice I’ll receive could be generalized to friendships and other relationships:

I’ve finished university, I’ve started a job hunt, I’m moving into a place that I’ve found, and I’m ready to get out into the world and be An Adult (TM). Unfortunately, one of my parents does not appear to be ready for that. Parents, they worry, right? And they wonder what their kids are up to, right? Well, I think there is an extent to which a parent can worry before it becomes excessive AND MY MOTHER HAS CROSSED THAT THRESHOLD SEVERAL TIMES OVER.

I’ve lived away from home for the entire decade I spent in university, yet I get “Catch a taxi or a bus home, don’t walk; let me know when you get home.” texts even though I know the city well enough to know when and where I can walk alone safely. Heck, I’m expected to text “Good night” every single night.

I receive texts multiple times per day, every day. Each answered text often leads to a flood of buzzing as I end up in a text version of “Twenty Questions”. And heaven forbid if I choose to ignore a text. “Hello?” “HELLO?” “HELLOOOOOOO”. Then come the phone calls. And more texts until I answer. Heck, today I decided to stop responding to a line of questioning to take a dump and grab a shower. Twenty minutes – five phone calls (three to my cell, two to the landline) and multiple texts.

Nothing is off limits. How was my day? What am I doing? Where am I? Am I at home? How was such-and-such-thing I mentioned doing? Have I done this or that thing that I’m supposed to do? And, in the case of the latter, CONSTANT AND REPETITIVE REMINDERS TO DO THESE THINGS. Deep down, I’m convinced that she genuinely does not believe me to be capable of doing ANYTHING without these reminders and without hand-holding through the entire process.

And the automatic justification “It’s a mother thing.” that brushes off any and all inappropriate behaviour. And there’s no reasoning with her. In one ear and out the other. “Mothers, they worry” just wipes away the dependency and anxiety issues that literally everyone I know comments about when I tell them anything that she does.

Anyways, now that I’m moving to a new place and entering a new phase in my life, I believe it’s essential that I create and enforce A LOT OF BOUNDARIES. So I’m looking for some advice as to how to do so effectively. I don’t want to cut her out of my life entirely, but I would like for her to not be a constant, nagging presence. “Do you miss me?” “No, I can’t miss you. You won’t leave me alone!”

Regards,

– My Beloved Smother

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Avoid Abusive Partners?

August 31, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doctor,
Do you have any tips or advice for screening out toxic/abusive partners from the dating pool? I’m talking about those who are well-rehearsed in appearing sincere, understanding and respectful, so it takes a couple weeks (months, years …) to see the red flags waving. For those of us who’ve been through the psychological wringer in the past, spending even just a few weeks with another such person can be re-traumatizing. By the time you’re starting to see the real them, you’ve also started to share yourself and become emotionally invested/vulnerable. What can you suggest to limit exposure to people who will take advantage of you and dick around with your head & heart?

– Wanna Be Pre-Cog

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