toxic relationships Archives - Page 2 of 4

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Am I Too Intimidating To Date?

April 27, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doctor!

I recently stumbled across your blog and I agree with most of your views and admire the advice you give to people. I don’t know if you bother to help me with my, realistically speaking, small issue but I guess it’s worth a shot.

A little background about myself: I’m a woman in my early twenties. I work in a small office and go to classes at night to educate myself further. In the little free time I have I am active in a political organisation and have a quite high rank there. On weekends I go out with friends because I am easily bored so I always try to busy myself with exciting activities instead of suffering from cabin fever. My interests are politics, culture (including nerd culture of course), traveling, food, etc. Pretty much the only things I can’t get into are sports. I do cardio and go for a run to keep in shape but other than that I really don’t care for the subject matter.

Knowing about my busy schedule you might have figured that my dating life is not really that great. I do have occasional hook ups but other than that it’s nothing but me, myself and I…

I consider myself an attractive woman, I am confident, I have a wide range of interests and I hold high ambitions. So why can’t I find a keeper?

A friend of mine once told me that some guys don’t approach me because my confidence is intimidating and guys like shy girls better. I have no problem with approaching guys and start flirting but some of their egos seem to be too fragile to handle women who take matters in their own hands. Also I was told that I’m too talkative or sassy or feminist or independent or bitchy or opinionated by guys online. And that is really infuriating and also a bit hurtful.

The only guys that seemingly can keep up with my attitude are “jocks” but those relationships fail because of our different interests.

I don’t blame the guys for not wanting to date me. It’s their decision and if I am not what they are looking for then by all means they should find happiness with the right girl.

But all that stuff leaves me wondering… am I too much? Should I change to be more appealing? Should I pretend to be shy and reveal certain aspects of my personality only after some time has passed? Or am I good the way I am and it’s just a matter of not having found the right kind of person yet?

Those concerns sound so unreasonable but I guess I’m just a little uncertain at the moment… I hope you can give me some advice.

Too Much Intimidation? [Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do I Fail At First Dates?

February 12, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc, I’ve got a bit of a dilemma.

I seem to walk two different roads with ladies these days. The first is in a casual, social setting. If I meet a girl I’m interested in, we seem to hit it off. The conversation will be good, flirtation back-and-forth is fun, and there definitely is a chemistry between the two of us. This will either end in an exchange of info or (rarely, but fun) spending the night with each other. I’m really in my element here and enjoy the easygoing nature of meeting someone and having a nice time.

The speed bump I seem to hit is when I ask that same girl on a date. That’s where I am struggling. The easygoing chemistry seems to evaporate and it goes from two people enjoying time with each other to an interview. While the time we had in the social setting was flirtatious, the energy in the date is significantly less so. After one or two dates, I can really pick up on her cues: she just isn’t interested.

I’ve noticed some negative trends that I seem to repeat in a lot of these situations. I don’t go on that many dates, so the people I do date are the ones I really would like to spend more time with. This inevitably leads to a lot of anticipation, nerves, and projecting my hopes onto this person. This is sure to lead to some disappointment, so I am trying to maturely manage these feelings more effectively.

Also, I’m a very outgoing guy. As much as I want to be the cool guy, I just am not. This is okay with me, though. I’m very happy with who I am. I do ask the question though: am I coming on too strong? Do I look like a loser here? I’m going easy, should I tone it down even more?

I sense that I am missing something in these situations. How do I maintain attraction with these ladies through the first few dates and start to connect more? Is the energy I bring from the social setting to the date different enough that it throws these girls off?

At 25, I have time to navigate these waters, but I need to figure this out before I completely jump ship.

Sincerely,

Without a Paddle

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: What Are The Rules About Being The “Other Woman”?

January 26, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove 61 Comments

Dear Doc,

This past week, I went to a very popular vacation spot and ended up running into a minor internet celebrity. He was there with another guy I recognized from his videos and his girlfriend. I tweeted afterward thanking them, and the next day, Minor Internet Celebrity DM’d me.

At first, he simply said he’d like to hang out more and that the next time we’re in each other’s part of the state (about 6 hours by car, 1 by plane), we should hang out. I didn’t have time yet to respond when he clarified that he and his girlfriend are in an open relationship, and would I be interested in going on a date with him sometime?

I said I would, and that I’d let him know when we are in the same area. His Twitter and videos are super feminist, and I am fond of the academic and non-pretentious quality of his work.

That said, I have three questions for you:

1. What are the rules of being the “other person” in an open relationship? I know it’s just one date (heck, he didn’t even say that he wants to sleep with me or anything like that), but while I’m a big fan of his, I want his girlfriend to be very much ok with everything.

2. Do you have any advice for a fan going on a date with someone they personally consider to be a celebrity? He seems super feminist, but also, the recent Aziz Ansari stuff is very much on my mind, and if this doesn’t go well (not necessarily sexual assault), I don’t want to hate him.

3. Although it’s the thing that’s not allowed to be said, I am a very conventionally attractive young woman. It’s rare that I don’t get some kind of comment about it when I’m in public. He is less conventionally attractive, however, I find his personality very attractive. If I did not already know who he was, I probably would not have agreed to go on a date with him, however, I’m trying to branch out and give people a chance this year. Do you have any advice for someone in this position?

I’ll add that although I look the way I do and am in my mid-20s, I’ve never really had a relationship before. I went to a famously mostly-girls college, and have been told that I come off as very intimidating to most men (I guess fangirling kinda removes the intimidation factor), and when they approach me, relationships are just SO not on my mind that I usually turn them down. I know I’m probably over thinking all of this, but I’m something of a perfectionist and really want to make sure this (if/when it even happens) goes well.

Thanks!

Third Person Singular [Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Can’t I Break Up With My Ex?

August 5, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 65 Comments

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve been together with my boyfriend for a cumulative 5 months. We were head over heels for each other almost immediately. It was like something out of an Avril Lavigne song – he was a video game animator, she was a model, what more can I say?

His father had passed away a year ago, and he immediately started to treat me like the only bright spot in his life. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship, and was so grateful to him for legitimately wanting me to be happy and, you know, not hitting me. I realize that these are pretty terrible reasons to love someone.

After 4 months, I got a job in New Jersey, and he got a job in California. So we parted ways with promises to make the distance work. But once I had some space away from him, I started to get some perspective. I realized that we had 3 major problems.

1. He didn’t really respect my needs or wishes. He often wouldn’t take no for an answer. If I didn’t want to have sex, or if I didn’t want to drink anymore, often he would just ooze through my boundaries and I would find myself unexpectedly doing things that I didn’t want to be doing.

2. I was always frustrated with him for being irresponsible. He’s A LOT older than me, but I always felt like I had to be Mommy.

3. I have no backbone. I panic and lock up at the thought of telling people things that will upset them, especially in the context of relationships and dating.

So. When he returned to the east coast, I drove 6 hours to meet him and break things off. It seemed like the decent thing to do. But as soon as I started saying that I wasn’t happy in the relationship, he interrupted me, saying “Well I’ve never loved anyone as much as you. I’ve never wanted to be with someone for the rest of my life.” And then HE PROPOSED. I said that it didn’t seem like a good idea to get married when we were on the rocks. I then fled the state, and broke up with him over the phone once I was safely home.

A month later, he hopped on a train to New Jersey to win me back. I felt so guilty, and he’s really good at feeding that guilt. The truth is, I should have stuck to my guns. I shouldn’t even have agreed to see him. But I did see him, and I did take him back.

I can’t persuade him. I can’t talk to him and have my words register in his one-track mind. How do I get out of this relationship for good? I know that texting someone to break up is pretty much the worst, but I’m scared that if I give him any opportunity to respond, that I’ll give in and remain trapped in this situation.

Sincerely,

Miserable Invertebrate

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Change My Feelings?

July 22, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 49 Comments

Hey Dr. NerdLove,

I’m writing to you anyways because I really need your help. I’m actually pretty ashamed of my problems too. I despise the way I think and feel, yet no matter how hard I try to repress them, they just keep resurfacing. I feel like I have to repress them because if I try to express my thoughts and feelings to another person, I’ll most likely be vilified. Hell, even I would shun me. But you seem like a very intelligent individual with an open mind, so maybe you can help.

So just a little information about me to offer some insight. I’m eighteen and male. I reside in Canada. I also have dyslexia, ADHD and depression. I grew up in a small town which I, sadly, still live in. Drug use runs rampant throughout the town (I, myself, don’t do drugs anymore). There’s a colossal amount of racism as well (I’m also not racist). And everyone seems to hate each other.

This led to me slowly isolating myself and growing cynical over the years. I’ve never really had a close relationship with anybody. The only role models I’ve ever had was fictional characters like Dr. House or Temperance “Bones” Brennan. My parents, bluntly speaking, emotionally neglected me. The other kids essentially bullied me.

This finally brings me to the whole reason I’ve decided to write this. The worst of the maltreatment was at the hands of women. Both by my mother and female peers. My mother cheated on my father and manipulated us my entire life. My peers called me names. Like ugly, dumb or weird, to name a few.

I used to support feminism. But now I’m on the fence about it and women in general. I’ve only ever been hurt in relationships with women. So I’ve now become especially cynical towards them. I really wish I didn’t think this way, and I feel stupid for it, but I do. I don’t want to overgeneralize but when I look around me all I can see are affirmations. I also read stories online which makes me believe that women will always treat me disdainfully.

I hate to pester you with my problems but you’re honestly the only person I can think of that can help me at this point. How do I stop thinking and feeling like this? I despise it more than anything. :/

Sincerely yours,

Conflicted Dyslexic

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