toxic relationships Archives - Page 3 of 4

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Grow A Spine?

May 20, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 105 Comments

Hello Doc!

I had a question I was hoping an expert could help me answer. I started dating a girl at the beginning of this year. Things were going great, we were highly compatible, she was an interesting conversationalist, and we were both physically and emotionally compatible. Great times were had by all… for about 4 months.

See, about 3 months in I told her that I loved her. I meant it, of course. I sat on my feelings for a bit before expressing them, I wanted to be absolutely sure. She told me she did not feel the same way and wanted to see where things went. I told her that was fine, I did not expect her to feel that way and understood and respected her feelings. Then things changed.

I started noticing that the quantity and quality of text messages diminished. I’ve had this sense before in previous failed relationships but thought I was just being paranoid. We were still great in person, we were still very intimate, and so I ignored the texting thing.

Then about a month later she tells me she needs to talk. She had been doing some thinking and believes that she is a lesbian. I was not sure how to respond to this. I know she’s been in love with a girl in the past, love that was un-reciprocated. She had never been in any serious relationship with a man or woman in the past. She had asserted, when we first started dating, that she was bisexual. Now that was no longer the case. The relationship ended, unfortunately. When asked if something changed after telling her I loved her she said she was filled with dread upon hearing that. She said she wasn’t sure if she could ever feel that way.

I have two questions based on all of this: 1) Should I have told her I loved her? Should I have waited longer, regardless of outcome? 2) When I thought something might have been off would it have benefited me to bring it up in conversation and discuss it? I thought about it and wasn’t sure if it was important enough at the time. I’m trying to learn from mistakes made here as I move forward so any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

– Trying to Learn

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Enforcing Your Boundaries

April 4, 2016 by Dr. NerdLove 42 Comments

Having boundaries is an important part of emotional intelligence. Boundaries are how you keep toxic people out of your life. At the same time, however, it can be hard to enforce those boundaries. Humans are social animals; we have an instinctive desire to cooperate and to get along. But there are people who exploit those desires for their own ends. Users and abusers, parasites and emotional vampires, bullies and all-around assholes are all people who will take advantage of people who don’t have or maintain strong boundaries. They will take advantage of people’s unwillingness to stand up for themselves in order to force them into compliance. Sometimes it’s overt, sometimes it’s subtle, but the end result is the same: they get what they want out of you and you end up feeling worse than ever before.

"What, so we're doing the silent treatment now? .... Please talk to me?" — “What, so we’re doing the silent treatment now?
….
Please talk to me?”

Having boundaries is pointless if you don’t maintain and apply them. So let’s talk a little about just how to build up those boundaries and make them stick.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Solving The Wedding Woes

October 30, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 35 Comments

Hey Doc,

I have a question that is somewhat outside of the normal range, but I respect your view point and I have no one else to ask. In brief-ish, narcissist gas lighting mother is dating the guy that molested me as a small (under 5) child. I haven’t spoken to her in three years, and my dad in almost as long as his response when I tried to talk to him about it was “get over it already.” He is 2nd adoptive step-father, so he wasn’t around at the time. I am 36 and I have three younger siblings, 31, 24, and 18. The youngest is a senior in highs-chool, the 24 is so stunted (thanks mom!) he might as well be. The oldest has already once broken my rule about providing our mother with my contact info. That’s the history.

Here is the problem. I am getting married next spring. My initial urge is to not tell anyone. But I very much want at least one person at the wedding that has known me longer than 3 years. At my first (baaaaaaad choice) wedding, my sister closest in age was a giant asshole about the whole thing. Admittedly she was 14, but that’s just how she is about most stuff. In her 20s she threw fit on Christmas because the baby of the family got one more present than she did. She counted 15 vs 16. She is also the only person who could arrange for the younger ones to be here, as I live 1,000 miles away and have no money. I would also like to have my dad there, but I don’t know that I can trust him not to tell my mom. He is the epitome of the religious right wing privileged white man. Been supporting Huckabee since I was a teenager. Which is gross, but he does love me and would definitely hold a massive fucking grudge if he finds out later.

So….what do I do? Get drama llama sister involved? Sneak out the younger ones and hope they can keep a secret? Risk my mother crashing my wedding? I’ve spent the last three years undoing a ton of damage to my psyche and I desperately don’t want to invite all the bullshit back in. But I love my siblings very much. If none of them come, it will just be me and my partner’s friends and family. I don’t have any close friends, it’s hard to meet people when you are either crying or having panic attacks and can’t trust anyone.

Sorry so long and off topic, thank you for your time.

Something Blue

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Forgive and Forget?

June 26, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 29 Comments

Hey Doctor NerdLove,

Im contacting you because I need a non-biased opinion about my situation. It’s about my ex who pushed me away, then broke things off via text, then apologized three weeks later. Can’t ask friends or family because they will obviously side with me and just hate on her.

So, first thing I want to start off with this girl I dated for a while had her own problems dealing with anxiety. Just stating that to help explain what happened afterwards. The start of the relationship was fantastic for me and her. The first month and a half were great and a lot of fun, I connected with her on nerd stuff like games, comics, tv shows, a ton of stuff. Then stress starting piling up with her due to her job and possibly looking for a new job out of state which would mean the unfortunate end for us. The weird thing is we talked about it and suggested that we could still make it work. Anyway, as stress grew and I tried as much as I could to help and be there, she started to push me away. To a point that she wouldn’t see me or even have a phone conversation with me. She put up walls and made excuses to not see me, then after a little over a week dumped me.

Three weeks later she texts back to apologize, and explain that she couldn’t handle the stress and was too proud to have anyone help her including me. That and she has had good people leave her and hurt her, so she instead pushed me away and hurt me so she wouldn’t get hurt. I do forgive her, because its over and done with. I’m not someone to stay mad easily. She didn’t try and get back with me or said we should get back together, just the explanation and the apology. (All via text.) Afterwards though I thought of the line from Avengers 2 where Bruce Banner is done fighting after the intro fight of the movie and says “You know, sometimes exactly what I want to hear isn’t exactly what I want to hear.” Made me realize hating someone who hurt you is easier than forgiving them. Which brings me to my question.

Should I say something to her a long the lines “Hey, if things work out with finding a job close by, and if you feel like you’ve changed and would like to grab a coffee sometime and start over, give me a buzz.”? I mean, am I wrong in even thinking about this? Should I believe in the romantic side of me and give it a second chance if there is one? Or was I right in my initial thought and move on, because there is a possibility she won’t change and could do this all over again? Interested in your thoughts.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Break Up With My Friend?

November 14, 2014 by Dr. NerdLove 56 Comments

Hi Doc,

I am a woman and my male friend and I have been friends for 8 years. For a few years we had fallen into a pattern of cuddling on my or his bed, something that made me uncomfortable, because I don’t really like cuddling, and I had told him that, but he didn’t seem to take it seriously and I didn’t know how to make him take it seriously. To be honest, I began dreading him coming over to my house or vice-versa. I had also told him about me being asexual, and had made no secret of my disinterest in a romantic relationship with anyone.

I noticed he was more invested in our relationship than I was, wanting to see me more, and also that he would get into a bad mood whenever I would make an allusion to my sexual orientation. So I was not that surprised when he told me he loved me last December. Since I don’t return his feelings, we have tried to remain friends, and I have taken the occasion to stop the cuddling and other uncomfortable touching (which was not easy since he tried to convince me we could continue).

Things are really tense between us. We were staying at a hotel with two of my (female) friends, and he got upset with me because he felt I ignored him, because I was talking to my friend and didn’t answer his question immediately. His attitude really put a damper on everyone’s mood that night, and my best friend stayed awake half the night because she was trying to stop my crying. He can also get upset because I don’t follow his advice. For example when I insisted on leaving a tip at a restaurant (with MY money), he told me “I already told you you don’t have to do that!” and when I started to defend myself, he walked away, after saying that I was the one making discussion impossible.

When we are with other friends of mine he often doesn’t talk at all, to the point I was relieved when he said he wouldn’t come to an outing, because I had been worried he would make things uncomfortable. He also often complains that he’s lonely and that I’m his only friend, which makes me ill at ease, and we had an argument about how I can’t take the stress of being his only emotional comfort.

The point is, I don’t feel comfortable with him anymore, but sometimes I feel like I am being too sensitive and looking for a reason to be upset with him, because things would be easier for me if I could just stop seeing him because he had offended me, so I would be ‘in the right’. But we have been friends for a long time, and I don’t actually want to hurt him, because he seems already in a bad place… My parents have pointed out I am often upset or irritated when I’ve just seen him, and I really don’t know what to do or if our friendship is worth saving, so could you share your thoughts on my situation?

I am grateful for your help,

Upset And Confused

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