How do allosexual folks who relate to some elements of demisexuality date in an honest way without beating around the bush or waiting too long?
Without getting too lost in labels, I am 30 year old male on the neurodiverse spectrum (both ADHD and ASD) and I relate to labels such as demisexuality, non-monogamously wired (but not sure if polyamory specifically is right for me at this time in my life), somewhere on the queer spectrum but attracted to women and non-binary folks more on the femme side, and going through a lot of questions moving forward after the pandemic subsides again. I think both he/they pronouns feel comfortable because I have a lot of different traits that don’t fit neatly in the category of male gender.
I can be very attracted to folks within an eyeshot of first meeting them, or I can also develop attraction after getting to know someone as a friend over the course of months or a year or two. I read a lot of authenticity/honesty/vulnerability psychology and dating advice, and a lot of men’s coaches/counsellors, etc. seem to advocate for being completely honest about my attraction for someone upfront as soon as possible such that I demonstrate my honesty without being seen as someone fearful or distrustful, and to avoid the “Friend Zone” (which I am well educated and aware that the label is unhealthy and mired in entitlement or misunderstandings of how relationships work).
But the problem with all that advice is I’m not always sure when I’m comfortable expressing my sexual desire for someone, after weighing the details of who they are, whether I’m compatible in the ways I want to be with them, their emotional and communication receptiveness, or when they themselves are at the right time in their life to sexually or romantically connect. As an example, a friend that I met a few years ago who I was initially attracted to but in a relationship at the time is now going through a messy breakup and she has expressed lots of interest in spending time with me, inviting me to quarantine at her place or even live with her after moving to the new city she is now residing in, etc. Since she is going through a lot in life, I want to be a good and supportive friend who respects boundaries, while at the same time I am anxious about when to express how I feel towards her. I am afraid of whether she will be comfortable with how late I have introduced this vulnerability.
Anyhoo, I am also caught up in trying to find the right balance of figuring out what is my ADHD-related impulsivity/desire for novelty and what parts of my sexual connection are healthy or based on neediness or biological quirks that come with neurodiversity and having dopamine systems that function differently and etc., Adding the layer of RSD on top of that, I struggle with a lifetime of self-sabotage and internal dialogue that tells me “who am I to ask for what I want” or “get over it, stop wanting sex so much, move on with your life and be grateful you even have friends”. I don’t want to sexually connect with just anyone, I really want to prioritize meaningful and quality connections based on my values and etc. that include sex and fun.
Rosemary Bush (my potential drag name that I have “claimed” if I ever explore that realm)