use your words Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Tell Someone We’re Never Having Sex?

July 19, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,
I really enjoy your blog. It’s helped a lot with picking myself up after my long-term girlfriend cheated on me.

I’m a bisexual woman in my early 20s who’s moving to a new place where I’m going to be hanging out with lovely cool nerds, some of whom I might want to date?

Things are going pretty well, with one lingering problem: in my last relationship (… which was also my first), I found out that any sort of penetration (v) for me is horribly, soul-crushingly painful. (Before you suggest anything… look, we tried it all. Just take my word here.)

The desire is there, but the pain is worse than a rib tattoo and there’s also a sense of “something has gone horribly wrong” that takes the mood out back and shoots it like Old Yeller. Right now, I’m in a place where women’s health sucks. The state pushes abstinence-only sex-ed, and even the Planned Parenthood I went to to get this checked out basically tested me for STDs (all clear, at least), said “man, that’s some weird pain,” and shrugged. Some health digging later, I’ve got the possibilities narrowed down, and the most likely culprit is Vaginismus, an involuntary contraction of the muscles that sometimes happens without a clear cause.

Now, you’re not a real doctor, so let me cut to the meat of the question. Even ignoring the move, getting settled in, medical costs, scheduling, etc… most solutions out there will take some months to do their thing, if everything goes smoothly and this is what I think it is.
However, I would really like to find my way to the dating scene and hold hands and kiss and have sex (that doesn’t include penetration) very soon!

Now how the fuck do I break this to potential partners?

I’m fucking terrified of one of them thinking I’m lying and subjecting me to horrible pain in a vulnerable moment, and I don’t want to present this as an “oh, well… someday” thing, because I don’t want someone sticking around for what could be rather than what’s there in the moment. And also there’s my anxiety brain whispering that THIS is why she cheated on me, even when I know very well that my anxiety brain is full of some hot bullshit.

When do I tell someone that a kind-of-expected-and-easy-for-most-people sex act is 100% off the table? Sometime between the second date and right before? In an ideal world, everyone would be cool, but unfortunately, there are Stealth Assholes and folk who never did the supplemental sex-ed and think penetration is supposed to hurt.

Not to mention potential hurtful gossip and stigma if I really misjudge someone.

Sorry, Dr. NerdLove, but this has been weighing on me.

Sincerely,
The Spirit is Willing, but the Flesh isn’t Having It

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Rebuild My Confidence?

June 21, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,
It’s been a year since I joined the military, and looking back, I’m in a much better spot now than I was then. When I joined, I had just withdrawn from college due to drug addiction and was living with my parents, feeling like dirt. I joined because I felt like I needed a kick in the ass, I was tired of feeling like a flunky who blew his chance at a good life, and I wanted to try and start a career in a different direction.

A year later, and I’ve got a much better relationship with my parents, I’ve lost weight, and I’m doing well financially. By all metrics, I feel like life is going better, and that I’ve made immense improvements to myself.

So why can’t I stop feeling like a fucking loser?

When I was skipping class, doing drugs, ignoring my well-being and relationships, I was getting more dates than ever and felt more confident than I do now, despite my life being in shambles. In my mind, I went from an awkward nerd who had trouble talking to people let alone women, to someone who partied, hung out with friends, and could chat up women easy.

Everything fell apart. And I’ve built myself back up. But I’m not valuing that. And I can’t stop thinking that the me that appears when I’m an addict is more appealing than the me that has my shit together.

I can’t even trust my own mind. I guess that’s why I’m asking you; How can I get myself to start valuing my accomplishments again? I want to have the same confidence I had before but without the same self-destructive habits.

Very respectfully,
Hyde wishing he was Jekyll

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is She Pushing Me Into A Relationship?

April 8, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

Longtime listener, first time caller. I (35M) am about one month out of a two-and-a-half year relationship. We part on good terms, we just realized we weren’t a good longer-term fit. The part that made me a bad fit was that I was so immersed in my career and hobbies that she felt like she wasn’t a priority. It’s a fair charge, but it’s not the whole story and I’ll leave it there.

I like being single. I think it’s fun meeting new and interesting and attractive people. It’s also a lot easier on my schedule which is chaotic and packed by design. I am happy with my hobbyjob and comfortable with the consequences of choosing to prioritize that part of my life. I have recent, definitive proof that even a wonderful and supportive partner is not going to be a good fit unless we can share ambitions. I’m okay with that, and I’m okay with the possibility of not finding that person for a while or ever.

A few weeks ago, in the enthusiastic rush of being single again, I happened to reactivate a dating account mostly with the intention of looking around to see what was out there. I received a message from someone, and since I figured it would be fun I decided to meet her for drinks. During that date I explained to her what my situation was: recently single, very busy, looking to focus on career stuff. She wanted to get together again, which we did twice on occasions spread out over the past month.

She’s very attractive and has a great personality and sense of humour, so I’d like to keep spending time with her. She’s also not someone whose ambitions I see being compatible with mine. But she’s done a few things that make me think she’s a lot more interested in a relationship than I am (and her dating profile suggests the same, but it and she are clear that she isn’t interested in having children). She has described us as “dating”, dropped casually into conversation a handful of times including on our second date. She texts regularly, often just asking me about my day or otherwise wanting to chat. She makes regular reference to wanting to see each other again (while acknowledging the boundaries I’ve set around my time).

I am wondering if I am overthinking or underthinking things at this point. She’s an adult who seems to have no difficulty saying what she wants. I’ve made clear on a few occasions what kind of emotional position I’m in. I would like to keep seeing her on a casual and occasional basis but I don’t know whether she’ll be comfortable with that. Should I expect her to make it clear if she is expecting something more than what we’re currently doing? Or do I have a social responsibility to take my perception of her feelings into account? I don’t want to hurt her, but I also don’t want to mug myself.

Thanks!

– Coming Out of Relationship, Looking to Evade Opaque and Nebulous Ethics

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Are We More Than Just Friends?

April 1, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I have a friend that I’ve known since college and we’ve kept in contact well after I graduated. However, due to our own responsibilities, we had times when we wouldn’t contact each other for months at a time. But when we did reconnect, it was almost like that hiatus never happened. I consider this person a close friend who loves the same nerdy things even more than I do.

Recently (I’d say over the course of a year and a half), we’ve been talking more frequently. In October of last year, he invited me to spend the day with him at NYCC (New York Comic Con). Had a dope- ass time with him. I actually hung out with him at his place for about 4 hours last week and I had a great time. He said he enjoyed having me over as well. We didn’t do anything except game and chat (we are both fairly introverted). During one of our conversations, he told me that as long as I let him know when, I can show up at his place pretty much whenever. He even mentioned that I could also spend the night if I wanted, something that no male has ever offered to me. I’m someone with no dating experience, so I’m not sure what would be the proper way of thinking about his offer.

He has since invited me out to other events and for me to come over to his place again. And honestly, he’s an awesome dude to be around, and I even developed a bit (that’s putting it mildly) of a crush on him. I’m keeping all of my expectations low, in case it turns out that he just likes hanging out with me.

That being said, deep down, I believe that he is developing feelings for me. I’ve hung out with him multiple times at his house. We’ve moved on from just gaming to watching movies together. During the movie, I even sometimes catch him staring at my face, and when we have conversations, he positions himself facing me and maintains eye contact. It actually sometimes get awkward. My recent visit had him complimenting my hair, which I totally wasn’t expecting. He opens up to me a lot as well. And when it’s time for me to leave, he seems reluctant to let me go.

So, yeah, I’m here asking for advice; how would you interpret this behavior? Please help a poor, inexperienced soul out.

Thanks in advance.

Reading The Tea Leaves

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Fix Our Broken Sex Life?

March 18, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I got myself into a little bit of a pickle. I’ve been married 4 years and about a year in, at 30 years old, was diagnosed with bipolar depression. It took us about a year to get the meds figured out but it has been life changing to finally have some relief. The only issue is a severe decrease in libido. I don’t have any interest at all. I stopped masturbating, my husband and I have mechanical sex MAYBE once a week that is a literal chore for me. Sex just kind of grosses me out these days. I’ve talked to my psychiatrist about it, and he didn’t seem concerned since I can still reach climax, plus it took us so long to get the right combination of pills I’m terrified to change anything up. From what I understand this is kind of a common side effect, so who’s to say this wouldn’t happen with any other medication we try.

I’ve talked to my husband a little about it, I asked him to turn on the charm a little more (his idea of foreplay is “wanna do it?”) to see if that would help but he didn’t really come back with anything. I offered an open relationship (something I’ve always been open to), but he says he just wants to have sex with his wife. I’m not really sure where to go from here. Do I just keep doing my weekly chore for all of eternity? I don’t want to pressure him into the open relationship but should I talk to him about how much I dislike sex and offer that avenue again? I feel like that’s just hurting his feelings and breaking a lot of wifely expectations. I just don’t know where else to go from here. Any advice you have is appreciated.

-Disinterested

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