Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I have a friend that I’ve known since college and we’ve kept in contact well after I graduated. However, due to our own responsibilities, we had times when we wouldn’t contact each other for months at a time. But when we did reconnect, it was almost like that hiatus never happened. I consider this person a close friend who loves the same nerdy things even more than I do.
Recently (I’d say over the course of a year and a half), we’ve been talking more frequently. In October of last year, he invited me to spend the day with him at NYCC (New York Comic Con). Had a dope- ass time with him. I actually hung out with him at his place for about 4 hours last week and I had a great time. He said he enjoyed having me over as well. We didn’t do anything except game and chat (we are both fairly introverted). During one of our conversations, he told me that as long as I let him know when, I can show up at his place pretty much whenever. He even mentioned that I could also spend the night if I wanted, something that no male has ever offered to me. I’m someone with no dating experience, so I’m not sure what would be the proper way of thinking about his offer.
He has since invited me out to other events and for me to come over to his place again. And honestly, he’s an awesome dude to be around, and I even developed a bit (that’s putting it mildly) of a crush on him. I’m keeping all of my expectations low, in case it turns out that he just likes hanging out with me.
That being said, deep down, I believe that he is developing feelings for me. I’ve hung out with him multiple times at his house. We’ve moved on from just gaming to watching movies together. During the movie, I even sometimes catch him staring at my face, and when we have conversations, he positions himself facing me and maintains eye contact. It actually sometimes get awkward. My recent visit had him complimenting my hair, which I totally wasn’t expecting. He opens up to me a lot as well. And when it’s time for me to leave, he seems reluctant to let me go.
So, yeah, I’m here asking for advice; how would you interpret this behavior? Please help a poor, inexperienced soul out.
Thanks in advance.
Reading The Tea Leaves
I got myself into a little bit of a pickle. I’ve been married 4 years and about a year in, at 30 years old, was diagnosed with bipolar depression. It took us about a year to get the meds figured out but it has been life changing to finally have some relief. The only issue is a severe decrease in libido. I don’t have any interest at all. I stopped masturbating, my husband and I have mechanical sex MAYBE once a week that is a literal chore for me. Sex just kind of grosses me out these days. I’ve talked to my psychiatrist about it, and he didn’t seem concerned since I can still reach climax, plus it took us so long to get the right combination of pills I’m terrified to change anything up. From what I understand this is kind of a common side effect, so who’s to say this wouldn’t happen with any other medication we try.
I’ve talked to my husband a little about it, I asked him to turn on the charm a little more (his idea of foreplay is “wanna do it?”) to see if that would help but he didn’t really come back with anything. I offered an open relationship (something I’ve always been open to), but he says he just wants to have sex with his wife. I’m not really sure where to go from here. Do I just keep doing my weekly chore for all of eternity? I don’t want to pressure him into the open relationship but should I talk to him about how much I dislike sex and offer that avenue again? I feel like that’s just hurting his feelings and breaking a lot of wifely expectations. I just don’t know where else to go from here. Any advice you have is appreciated.
I’ve been a reader of your blog for a few years now It’s been an incredible asset to help me rebuild my “new self” as I call it.
I had a nervous breakdown some time ago. I was depressed, not interested in life or anything, except my own misery. I recovered, with therapy, exercise and a great deal of blind luck. I’m healthier, stronger, more fit than I ever was. I’m doing very well right now. I am enjoying the attentions of a few ladies. Apparently I’m charming and handsome.
Well, until now. (Prepare yourself for the cringefest).
I met this girl A. through a common interest. I found her fun and extremely intriguing. After a while I realized that I had a crush on her. A few months later, at a party we attended together, I told her that I crushed on her and she gave me her number. She told me that she had a great opinion of me from when we met so I was overjoyed.
We texted for a while. In some occasion I texted her while drunk, but she found that extreme adorable and charming for some reasons. She invited me to go on a weekend vacation together with some friends of hers but I didn’t managed. I gathered the courage and asked her out for a date. Her reaction was “interesting”. She told me that asking her out for a date was something from the ’50s, giving the whole thing an air of sacred stuff. She told me she thought that going out was more in line with her thinking.
After sometime in which we texted almost daily (She got a nasty infection that put her out of commission for a while) I asked to see her and go together to a museum (a silly idea we put up together). In this time I dated other people without any problems, even with a great deal of fun. We agreed to have dinner together, (gently offered by her) while I booked the tickets.
It went awful. Like really really bad. I was so nervous that I even have problems recalling what I did in the specific. I remember that the conversation was lacking, and I had been annoying. But she laughed at a few jokes and the dinner was nice, I think. I remember her teasing me because I wished a good-day to the bus driver when we got off and because I tipped our waiter (I had better chemistry with the waiter than with her).
She told me that she had an awful day and that I behaved very badly towards her. I cracked few jokes, but she laughed so I thought it was fine. I don’t know what I did in the detail, I can only remember the awkwardness. I apologized and asked her if there was the possibility of a second date. She told me that she is not opposed to that, but not in the near future, because of the awfulness of the first one.
The problem is not this. I think I can manage with disappointment.
She told me a few things that shook me.
When I told her that I wasn’t behaving like myself, she told me that is a very hard thing to act like a different person for an entire afternoon. She also told me that she is good with people, but that I didn’t showed anything, comparing me to a hollow mask.
People I dated in this time told me they liked me because I was passionate, intelligent and kind. I never been happier in my entire life. I even picked up new hobbies and interests, managing to find new friends and people. I can’t stop thinking about what she said. Is this new me just a likable mask that I managed to fool different people?
Thank you for your attention,