use your words Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can This Long Distance Relationship Work?

February 8, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc!

I use social media a lot, which has made me a lot of friends. Our social circles always begin to intermingle and before you know it I have friends all over the world. I got into contact with one girl this way who’s gorgeous and into a lot of the same things I am, and naturally I developed a bit of a crush. The problem is, though, that she lives in another country. Remarkably, I managed to wake myself up to the idea that developing feelings for someone I’ll never see in-person and only communicate with through tweets was a terrible idea that could only end badly, and so I put those feelings aside, we stayed online pals, and everything was all good.

Then at the end of last year I was on holidays and posting updates and photos from my trip. She posted a few replies to those that were a bit flirty, but I’m the worst at misinterpreting friendliness for flirting and so I just posted some jokey replies and didn’t think much of it. But then as we’re talking she suggests that my next trip could be to visit her town. It turns out she’s actually not too far away from a friend I was planning on meeting up with this year, so I tell her it’s a possibility and we’re both excited by the idea.

A short while later she shows up in my DMs and we get talking a bit more normally than just tweeting jokes and short comments between us and our shared friends. She starts sounding flirty again and I respond a bit reservedly because I’m afraid of just seeing what I want to see in her messages. But then, and I have no idea how we actually got onto the topic, but we start talking about dating and relationships and she mentions that she would totally date me. I respond saying I would happily date her as well, and next thing I know she’s given me her number so we can properly chat with each other. Now, I’m pretty confident that that’s a sign of some kind of interest.

Fast forward to now, a little over a month later. I’m going to be making a trip in a few months to visit her and my other friend I was intending to meet up with, and I sent her some souvenirs from my trip which she loved. She and I have been talking regularly and have gotten a lot closer, but the conversations haven’t gotten as flirty as they did to start with – on my end it’s because I rarely have much success in the dating department and now that I seem to be onto a good thing I’m terrified of coming on too strong and scaring her off. On her end it could be the same thing, or she could have changed her mind, or I’ve misread some playful flirting for something more. I’m really confused how to work out where I stand with her, and what to do if I’m standing where I want to be. If she were local I’d just bite the bullet and ask her out, and if she turns me down then no big deal; I’ve been through that before and stayed friends with those girls. But with the distance being what it is I’m not sure what my next move should be, and whether I should be making it before, during or after the upcoming trip. Then if we do hit things off, what’s the best way to approach a long distance relationship to avoid it being the fiery disaster I’m worried it could be. I’m willing to put in the work, but first I want to figure out if there’s actually something to put work into. Do you have any advice?

Thanks so much!

Hopeless International Romantic

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can One Date Ruin EVERYTHING?

August 20, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc!
I’ve been a reader of your blog for a few years now It’s been an incredible asset to help me rebuild my “new self” as I call it.

I had a nervous breakdown some time ago. I was depressed, not interested in life or anything, except my own misery. I recovered, with therapy, exercise and a great deal of blind luck. I’m healthier, stronger, more fit than I ever was. I’m doing very well right now. I am enjoying the attentions of a few ladies. Apparently I’m charming and handsome.

Well, until now. (Prepare yourself for the cringefest).

I met this girl A. through a common interest. I found her fun and extremely intriguing. After a while I realized that I had a crush on her. A few months later, at a party we attended together, I told her that I crushed on her and she gave me her number. She told me that she had a great opinion of me from when we met so I was overjoyed.

We texted for a while. In some occasion I texted her while drunk, but she found that extreme adorable and charming for some reasons. She invited me to go on a weekend vacation together with some friends of hers but I didn’t managed. I gathered the courage and asked her out for a date. Her reaction was “interesting”. She told me that asking her out for a date was something from the ’50s, giving the whole thing an air of sacred stuff. She told me she thought that going out was more in line with her thinking.

After sometime in which we texted almost daily (She got a nasty infection that put her out of commission for a while) I asked to see her and go together to a museum (a silly idea we put up together). In this time I dated other people without any problems, even with a great deal of fun. We agreed to have dinner together, (gently offered by her) while I booked the tickets.

It went awful. Like really really bad. I was so nervous that I even have problems recalling what I did in the specific. I remember that the conversation was lacking, and I had been annoying. But she laughed at a few jokes and the dinner was nice, I think. I remember her teasing me because I wished a good-day to the bus driver when we got off and because I tipped our waiter (I had better chemistry with the waiter than with her).

She told me that she had an awful day and that I behaved very badly towards her. I cracked few jokes, but she laughed so I thought it was fine. I don’t know what I did in the detail, I can only remember the awkwardness. I apologized and asked her if there was the possibility of a second date. She told me that she is not opposed to that, but not in the near future, because of the awfulness of the first one.

The problem is not this. I think I can manage with disappointment.

She told me a few things that shook me.

When I told her that I wasn’t behaving like myself, she told me that is a very hard thing to act like a different person for an entire afternoon. She also told me that she is good with people, but that I didn’t showed anything, comparing me to a hollow mask.

People I dated in this time told me they liked me because I was passionate, intelligent and kind. I never been happier in my entire life. I even picked up new hobbies and interests, managing to find new friends and people. I can’t stop thinking about what she said. Is this new me just a likable mask that I managed to fool different people?

Thank you for your attention,

Freezing Frog

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Tell If My Girlfriend Likes Me?

March 5, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’m almost a 40 years man and I’m in a relationship for about 20 years with a woman almost my age.

We’ve got our moments of pain and the last year we decided to break it because there were too many problems. She was depressed, not diagnosed but it was evident: she stopped taking care of herself, stopped working, we stopped having sex, we stopped doing things together. It went on for 4 years.

I tried to help without success, I tried to take her to a doctor but she didn’t want to so… I did not cheat or anything, but I was not happy and tried to search someone else, so I left her. We kept in touch.

In the meantime she changed, a lot, she found a job, lost some pounds, she was back to the living and I fell in love again. Now we’re back together and now I’m happy, but also worried.

We have a lot of common interests, we’re watching movies, playing games, nerding out all day long, cuddling and having sex often, but she seems interested only in my head and not the rest of me.

I have to say that I started taking care of myself too, building some muscles, taking a haircut once a month, but she’s not interested in all of that, and this bugs me. A lot.

I always point out how beautiful and intelligent she is (and she is, believe me), but she never compliment me on anything, and I need to know if she likes me. I mean: she says yes when I ask directly but then points out that it’s not fair that she have to comfort me on my confidence problems. I’m as confident as the next guy, but obviously never hearing some feedback makes me wonder if I have some issues with my appearance or anything else. She never say anything mean about me, physically at least.

I even asked her why she doesn’t do anything to seduce me, maybe some makeup, flirt a little, some lingerie, but she gets angry, accusing me of wanting to take her out of her comfort zone, and saying that it’s stupid to ask that an intelligent woman like herself to do such things. And this is bullshit I think, the issue must be something else.

To be honest it does not take a big toll on my confidence, and I don’t feel abused or stuff like that, but after 20 years would be nice to feel seduced and sexy for my significant other, it would give me some peace. The sex is great but that’s not everything I think. I don’t know, I feel like I need some reassurance that everything’s really ok.

I thought that maybe she’s just shy, or insecure, or maybe a consequence of her depression. But as I said going to a doctor is not something she’ll do, no matter how much I insist.

I’m just worried that our relationship will end again because she’s not really into me.

Need To Feel Wanted

[Read more…]

5 Ways To Improve Your Communication Skills

November 23, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 306 Comments

Effective and clear communication is an absurdly important skill to develop. After all, we live in an age of unprecedented mass-communication, one where everybody’s talking. Like, all the fucking time; you can’t open Facebook or Twittergrams or Yik-Yak ((Ok, now you’re just making shit up)) and not be deluged by 40,000 of your closest friends, all of whom think that it’s utterly important that you hear their carefully considered opinion on the Syrian refugee crisis.

Although you can cut down on the cruft by pre-emptively blocking users of certain key phrases like "I agree with Donald Trump" — Although you can cut down on the induced vomiting by pre-emptively blocking users of certain key phrases like “I agree with Donald Trump”

But while we’re all clamoring to be heard, is anyone being understood? Now that the holiday season is upon us and we’re spending time with loved ones and can-barely-stand-ones, it’s a great time to work on improving how we communicate. Here’s how you make sure people are hearing what you’re actually saying.

[Read more…]