I have a series of problems, four points that I desperately wanted to address and have answers to. Just a note, I may well bring this up in case it changes anything, but I am diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, and have difficulty socializing with others.
1) I’m still being haunted by the memories of friends I lost. I bonded with a wife and husband (in that order, I’ll refer to them as Jill and Jack respectively) over a game. We seemed to hit it off reasonably well, until Jill said that she was out on an anniversary with Jack. And I became obsessed and bitter at how well they have it; someone that’ll love you unconditionally, always be there, and eventually tie the knot with. It kinda grew to a point where Jill was disturbed, and eventually got me banned. I still kept in contact with them, and they did forgive me, but they’re still relatively guarded. One mistake sure, and they utterly despise me for using their names (not exact names, but inspired) in a story and making a dirty joke I thought they wouldn’t notice. (In April 1st, no less, making me the biggest fool of all). This destroyed my relation with them completely, and I thought I had moved on, but a friend of mine in the server said that they still hold a grudge for the previous incident, and aren’t keen on forgiving me (Jack, at least. He said Jill was probably willing to put it behind her). I really hit it off with them, and the guilt of being the one at fault for breaking the friendship still haunts me to this day. I still wonder, “If I hadn’t been so bitter.”, “If I could’ve kept quiet, kept all to myself.”, would we still have been friends.
2) After the above, I frequented another server, and I asked a girl user there for a face reveal (which I know now is a big no-no), which made her call me out as a perv, and made the other members of the server vilify me. I made another user block me for my emotional vampiric tendencies, and this incident effectively made me scared to talk to anyone I couldn’t ascertain the gender online. I regularly ask users I’m suspicious of if they’re girls, since I know to myself that, if they’re a girl, I’m going to inevitably ask them for a face reveal, they’re going to think I’m a perv, and they’ll hate me even if I just want to be genuine friends.
3) This segues into another case, I joined a mental help Discord server. As of writing, I am banned from the server for a public display of gynophobia, not malicious in intent, but still disturbing members. I came here seeking asylum and answers to my questions, and I did ask them about my problem communicating with girls, and they said my case must have come from a lack of physical affection, or ‘skin hunger’. How do I even solve this problem, especially with this pandemic quarantine in place? Touching or hugging myself does fuck-all, I’m too disconnected with my family to ask them. Friends? What’s that?
4) Leading all to this, I’ve lost passion. I play a handful of games, mostly RPG and turn-based games. Civ 5, Fire Emblem, Shogun 2. I’ve lost my passion for all of them. I don’t derive any enjoyment playing them anymore, yet I still do them for some reason. There are times where I just want to lie down on the bed, close my eyes, and never wake up. And I know these symptoms are coincidental with clinical depression. This isn’t helped that, after my ban from the mental health support server, the other server I visited vilified me for it even further, saying things such as “You’re a failure as a person.”, “Something’s really wrong with you if you got rejected by a mental help group.”, etc. The only thing they didn’t say outright was suicide.
I’m so lost and want to heal this, but carrying the guilt of losing Jack and Jill, along with everything else, I don’t know what to do. I want to see a therapist, but the quarantine forbids going outside. Worse yet, how do I regain my passion for the things I used to love?
Burning Down My House