use your words Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Should I Tell Him I Know About His Kink?

August 3, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. Nerdlove,

I (35F) recently got up the nerve to ask out a guy (40M) who I’ve been good friends with for almost a year. We ended up Skyping a ton during quarantine because we both lived alone and enjoyed talking to each other. I caught feels pretty quickly after we started having hours-long conversations, gaming together, watching movies together over the Internet, texting all the time, etc. There were a lot of signals on both sides that more might be on the menu.

Finally, one night, I’d had a bit to drink during our Skype session and it was enough to give me the courage to ask him out. He said he was flattered, but he didn’t want to ruin our friendship because “women tend to stop liking him once they start sleeping with him.” Obviously, this could very well be a polite no that I’m reading too much into. If so, I’m perfectly happy to be just friends — this guy is awesome and I love spending time with him, and I’m not so far in the feels that I can’t respect platonic barriers.

The thing is, though — before COVID, before I started having feelings for him, I was house-sitting for him while he was out of town and I came across some of his porn collection. I really wasn’t snooping, I swear! I was sitting at his desk and I spilled my drink, and while I was frantically trying to move all of the papers out of the way before they got ruined, I uncovered a stack of printouts of erotic stories that indicate that he has a very specific kink that is generally frowned upon. Nothing illegal or dangerous, but I can definitely understand why a lot of women wouldn’t be super excited about it. I, however, am interested in giving it a try — it was something I’ve already considered trying myself but haven’t pursued. Since at the time his sex life wasn’t something I thought much about, I put the stories back where I found them and never mentioned them.

But now I’m wondering if that’s what he means by people not liking him after sleeping with him. So I guess my question is, is there any way to let him know that while I’m happy to just be friends, if he said no because women have dumped him over this kink and he thinks I would too, that’s not going to be an issue? Is there any way to say this without admitting that I found his porn, which I’m sure he would be super embarrassed by? (He’s never mentioned the kink in conversation, so there’s no way I could have known about it without stumbling across it in his house.) Or should I just accept the no on face value and move on with my life? I don’t want to push if he’s just not interested, but I also don’t want to miss out on something that could be great because he thinks I wouldn’t be into it.

Any advice would be appreciated!

More Adventurous Than He Thinks

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What Matters the Most In A Relationship?

July 29, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I can’t seem to land on an answer to the question of what’s important, compatibility or chemistry? Logically I know that compatibility is more important to long-term relationship success but is ‘chemistry’ as an idea better left to movies and novels?

I think the reason i’m having so much trouble with this idea is that I grew up as an only child in a household where neither of my parents were particularly affectionate to each other, arguments between them were fairly common and I can’t say I ever really saw any chemistry there. Sometimes they didn’t seem compatible either. I guess I’m happy that they’re still together, even if I can’t shake the feeling that they might be happier apart, but it’s not really for me to say. I just wish I had a better example of what a relationship should look like, so that I could navigate my own easier.

I’m 29 now, and my 20s have been a rollercoaster for relationships. I had one “long term” relationship in my life at 19 that lasted 9 months, was pretty dysfunctional and ended really badly for us both. Afterwards I became really cynical, and my behaviour leaned towards PUA and misogyny, eventually I realised what was happening and that I needed to work heavily on myself and get to therapy.

Now I’ve been single for about 10 years, and honestly I feel pretty good about myself. I’ve grown a self-confidence and self-assuredness that in my early 20s I was really compensating for a lack of. I know what I want for myself as an individual and actively work towards that daily. In the past 5 years, I tried dating again, but the last 4 women I’ve dated (Each for a couple of months) just did not reciprocate in full the intense feelings I had for them and ended things. I also blitzed past some red flags that in hindsight, really should have spelled things out for me.

These intense feelings are what I’ve been categorising as ‘chemistry’ for my entire life, but I cannot name one time where these feelings actually did me any favours in developing a healthy long-term relationship. It always feels more like a drug trip that causes me to act clumsily and out of character and come across as clingy and ultimately cause the breakdown of a relationship rather than give it growth.

I recently met someone on a dating app, we’ve seen each other on average twice a week for over a month. I’m physically attracted to her, the sex is really good for us both and whilst its still quite early to tell, on paper we have shared values and our interests align. But I’m not feeling the usual chemistry that I’ve used to navigate relationships for my entire life, and I just can’t work out whats feeling slightly ‘off’.

She’s demonstrated some clinginess, which I think is partly to do with being off-work during lockdown and having too much free time. The clinginess isn’t a dealbreaker, especially in current times and given my own past, but I’m feeling a bit suffocated whilst I can’t work out what, if anything, I should be feeling towards her. In the past, the teenage-like excitement and euphoria is what motivated me to go the extra mile for someone. Is part of a mature relationship doing that without those feelings at all?

Am I misinterpreting what ‘chemistry’ actually is? Does each individual need to decide for themselves whether to prioritise a relationship of compatibility, or one of chemistry? My gut tells me to keep looking for that spark again, but my past demonstrates that it only ends in unhappiness for me. This could be a really great relationship that blossoms over time, do I just need to ignore the nagging feeling telling me something is missing and commit one hundred percent?

Thanks

Chemical Reaction

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Help, My Girlfriends’ Guy Friends Make Me Jealous

July 24, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

So I have been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for close to two years now. And she has always had some male friends. In fact she has been hanging around these guys for years even before I met her. And she told they’re like brothers to her. I am aware that her mom knows them and is even friends with some of these guys parents. Before we met she use to hang out a lot with them but I told that I didn’t feel comfortable with that and she backed off. It would usually be every once in a while. Lately, especially because of the pandemic we’ve been talking on the phone a lot, close to all day sometimes (I don’t work everyday and she’s out of school at the moment).

These past few weeks they have starting hanging out more, I would say once or twice a week and it really bothers me. I’m currently in a different state for work and I know absolutely no one here and everything is closed to add to it. So phone conversations with my friends or her keep me busy. On the weekends I would try to hang out with some colleagues (that I would not usually go out with) to keep myself from thinking about her being with her friends. She’s a very direct type of girl and would tell you what she thinks right off the bat but I can’t seem to not think that she might be cheating or something especially when she goes home late even though she texts me whenever she’s out. I got so bad that I would get so angry when I come home from work and want to talk with her and she tells me she’s at their place, that I would not text her nor answer her calls until the next day.

I know there is an issue from my side and it starting to be poisonous for me but how should I address this situation?

Green Eyed Monster

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How Should I Tell My Friend How I Feel?

June 26, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I’m a woman in my 50s, waiting on divorce papers after years of separation (mutually stayed for economic reasons and kid with special needs). Kids now launched. Divorce is very amicable. Soon-to-be-ex is in another relationship, and I wish them well. It’s not the reason for the divorce. This isn’t the drama, just mentioning for context. I’ve had many years to process my divorce. Therapy has helped. I’m doing the work and I’m ready to move on with my life.

I met a man 5 years ago at a work conference. He’s late 50s. Not married. Lives in another country. The day we met, he stared and smiled at me for an hour in a meeting and when we were later introduced, we really clicked. We then ended up working closely for a few years, so we were professional and only saw each other annually for work. We always hug—he puts his arms out for me from 3m away and apparently smiles for me unlike for others (colleagues have commented).

He knows I am divorcing and that it’s amicable, but he doesn’t know I am leaving our field of work as soon as the divorce is done, so I can move to a new city. I believe my divorce is a hard line for this man and I utterly respect this. I’ve interpreted it as one of the reasons the relationship never launched romantically, so I’ve been fine waiting. I could be wrong and maybe he’s just lost interest; he gives mixed signals (hugs and flirty smiles, but then cancels on drinks, saying meetings came up). We only see each other at work meetings, usually around the globe. Those have stopped now with COVID. We don’t have the kind of relationship where I can just call him up with no pretext, and he doesn’t do that either. We are both a bit restrained culturally. But if it was for work, I could absolutely call, and after we would chat quite amiably about our many shared interests. He’d totally help me with a problem.

I am stuck with all the feelings that have grown over these years of getting to know him of what could be if we could only discover if the attraction is real. I want to tell this man how I feel, since when I will leave this work, I will probably not ever see him again. I’ve been thinking of sending him a letter when I do to say how I feel and what meeting him meant to me, but don’t want to seem aggressive or worse, needy. I know my divorce has taken a long time but now that it’s almost done, I want this man to know when I am free.

I do not expect to add water and mix to the relationship for instant love; I want to open the door and hope he walks through. There is catharsis in letting the feelings out regardless of the outcome, but obviously I hope for a chance at love with him.

Is there a better way to open the door for this relationship?

Thanks,

Tongue Tied

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Should I Tell My Friend I’m Falling In Love With Them?

June 15, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I really enjoy listening to your podcast and I like the advice you give on your website.

Over the last few years, I’ve reconnected with an old friend from university. We’ll have known each other for a decade this September. When I first met him and got to know him, I had very strong feelings for him but they went unrequited, so I got over it (eventually) and we became quite good friends.

When he moved to the same city as me three years ago, we started to reconnect. We stayed as friends and we’ve become closer than ever. We find each other physically attractive and can be very honest and open with each other about our feelings and relationships (even our sex lives).

Ever since the lockdown started, we’ve been leaning on each other for emotional support a lot more and we’ve even agreed to be each other’s back up spouses to appease the more “traditional” [read homophobic] members of our respective families as we’re both bisexual.

He has a boyfriend that he loves very much, but I think my old feelings for him are coming back with a vengeance. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been in lockdown for three and a half months alone or if it’s because I haven’t been in a relationship since my last one ended about 4 years ago. All I know is that my attraction to him seems to be getting more intense.

Should I tell him how I feel or just stay silent? I care for him very much and don’t want to do anything to implode his current relationship. I’d hate to be the cause of anything bad happening in his life.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

So Much To Say

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