use your words Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Tell My Partner I’m Actually A Virgin?

March 5, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m a 24 year old woman. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a month, and he’s the first guy I really fell in love with. Everything seems to be fine except for one thing: I’m afraid to tell him I’m a virgin. We have already done some foreplay but we haven’t had the opportunity to be alone and go further yet, and even if I want to have sex with him, a part of me is happy to postpone the “speech” out of fear of his reaction.

I trust him, but the more I think about it the more I don’t know how to start. What if he leaves me? After all, we’re only at the beginning and we made no promises. What if he’s ashamed of me, if he thinks I’m not enough for him, and to his eyes I’m no longer attractive? Or maybe he doesn’t like the fact that, since I’m inexperienced, he will have to teach me how to please him? What if he tells his friends, or he thinks i don’t measure up to his exes? I even thought I could make up the story of how I lost my virginity years ago with a friend, but I’d feel terrible to lie to him; I could say nothing and just wait until he figures it out, but it would be too embarrassing, and I prefer to preempt the humiliation and tell him the truth myself.

Plus, even if I have no intention to wait, I still have a bit of anxiety about this new experience, especially when I think that it probably won’t all come natural to me and it’ll take time for me to learn, and I don’t see how he can enjoy waiting for me to get to his “level”. I wouldn’t want to ruin our relationship just because I don’t have the courage to open up, and therefore miss this opportunity with a guy I like very much and who likes me back. I want to be able to finally loosen up and enjoy this experience that I have been waiting for so long just like other girls, and make him understand how much I want him.

I’ve tried to report all my insecurities and everything that’s been going on in my head these days. I am probably exaggerating it, so other points of view might be helpful. Maybe I just need reassurance and a little more confidence. Any advice or opinion you have will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

The Queen Of Overthinking

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She Ghosted Me. So Why Can’t I Get Over Her?

February 8, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc, hope you’re doing fine.

Long time lurker, first time writer. I met this girl back in April, before all this madness, and we really hit off. She gave me her number and over the next months we chatted almost daily.

We had a lot of things in common and we talked about many issues, some serious, some just chitchat, sharing memes and the music, movies and series we liked. Many times we spent all night long talking and having fun, even when be both had to get up early to work.

We had four dates before the outbreak of coronavirus and we didn’t see each other again because we both resolved to stay at home until this pandemic died off. So for the last months we only texted each other and nothing changed, we still talked a lot and things were cool. However, I began to notice she became less and less engaged in our conversations, taking a lot of time to text back or even leaving me on seen many times. Suddenly we didn’t talk for days, but then we would talk for three days in a row and then radio silence for a week. One day, I sent her a text and she left me on seen. I thought it was the new normal and she would reply a few hours later. But nothing. She was online almost all the time but she didn’t reply.

I asked a couple of days later if she was ok or if something happened (she told me before some health issues within her family and I got worried) and she left me on seen again. I didn’t bother her anymore, because maybe she was really busy or had something going on in her life or just didn’t want to talk to me anymore. A few days later I checked and her profile picture is gone, meaning she deleted me from her contacts. So, after solid three weeks, now it’s certain that what we had is over.

The thing is, we didn’t have a relationship and we weren’t really friends. Maybe we could have been. I’m highly inexperienced with girls and this was my first time getting to know someone. It was my first time sharing time and feelings with a girl and also the first time someone was interested in me. I guess I became too attached and more emotionally involved that her. Maybe I scared her away because of that. I liked/like her and this was the first time I had a crush or feelings for someone and I actually could get to know that person and like her for how she was.

I’ve had experienced infatuation, oneitis, crushes and all that, but it was always based on speculation or idealizations, never by discovering the personality of a girl, with her positive and not-so positive traits. This was the first time it was ‘real’. As I said, I know it wasn’t a relationship, but it feels like a breakup. Or what I imagine a breakup is like. It hurts so much. I’ve been crying a lot since things ended and I can’t even work. I only want to lie in bed all day and cry myself to sleep. Or just be there staring at the ceiling.

I feel also so ashamed for allowing this to affect me this much. She moved on easily, while I’m still mourning something that never existed. And to tbh, as the song says, I’m still crying, waiting and hoping she would text me back and things we’ll be normal again and each time I get a notification, my heart beats faster hoping is a text for her.

Is this normal for someone absolutely inexperienced in dating and relationships or I’m showing how immature, childish and overly emotional am I and that’s the reason why someone would leave me? It will take more time to get over her?

Heartbroken for No Reason

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How Do I Tell My Girlfriend I’m Ready To Try Her Kink?

January 29, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: today’s column deals with talk of sexual assault in the context of people pretending to not consent to sexual activities.

What’s up, Doc?

I’m a 25 year old male, and I’m dating a 24 year old woman, we’ve been together about two months so far, and it’s mostly been very positive. We have healthy boundaries, no end of things to talk on, and well-matched sexually, for the most part. That’s why I’m writing.

See, while we’re mostly great for each other sexually, I have one thing that I feel a bit hung up on, and it’s not so much any fantasy of mine, or hers, more that I expressed discomfort with something, and I regret doing so now…

To be specific, she mentioned that she would really like to roleplay dubious consent scenarios, and at first, I thought I couldn’t deal with that, I’m a person with a lot of feelings of guilt, and ultimately, I thought for sure I’d be unable to bring myself to even consensually act out non-consent. She said it was okay, and that she’d not pursue that route with me if it made me uncomfortable.

The thing is, I gave it more thought, and realized that it’s ultimately something that is roleplay, and we can still define clear lines of what is and isn’t acceptable in that scenario with safewords and the like, and with such safeguards in place, I feel better about it. The thing is, I’m a bit hesitant to say that I’m willing to revisit that conversation, because I worry she’ll think I’m trying to make her feel better, and that I’m not really comfortable with it, more putting on a “brave face”, something she said she very much didn’t want me to do.

My question here, is pretty simple: How do I bring it up that I’ve given it more thought, and that I’m willing to try it, without it seeming insincere in that fashion?

-Safe, Sane, and Consensual

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How Can I AVOID Having A Relationship Like My Parents’?

December 16, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doctor, I have been an avid reader of your blog for a few years and have finally mustered the courage to ask for advice. I really enjoy the laidback approach to answering some really serious matters, and the fact that you provide pictures of cute animals when things get really serious or disgusting. And of course the nerd culture references, especially anime references.

I understand that while I am from India and given the different social and cultural customs it might not be the wisest idea to ask someone living in the US for non academic advice, right now I would appreciate your advice. I honestly haven’t found any Indian contemporary who is not misogynist or believes women are a hive mind.

As for my background, I am a 25 year old dentist planning to pursue a master’s degree. I live with my parents and elder sister, which is pretty normal in India.

My parents are a classic example of everything that can go wrong in a relationship. My father is financially opaque and allegedly is more involved in his brother’s family and way more interested in chatting with strange women on facebook and watching really crude porn (he always downplays it by saying that he pressed some weird link, but that is all a lie, he is tech savvy enough to know how to block his facebook account) and complaining about my mother to anyone and everyone he meets, including me. My mother sees that as tantamount to cheating. Even prior to that she has felt that he is diverting more of his earnings to his brother’s family (who is employed).

This is not to say my mother is without blame. She has been narrating tales of all the injustices to me and my sister for as long as I remember, emphasizing how she sacrificed her pleasures after becoming a homemaker, while my father would be the representative of the family at all the gatherings of our extended families. I sometimes have felt sorry for my father who is never appreciated for whatever little he still does. Mother being a chronic complainer always sees the glass as half empty.

Even my father has recently resorted to using emotional blackmail against me and my sister. For example, he likes to repeatedly mention how he gets emotionally hurt every time I have to physically shove him away from my mother when things turn nasty. When I reason that violence is not negotiable he counters by saying that I should atop mother’s nagging. It is like if mother uses words, he’ll use his fists. He wants to get a licence to hit my mother without consequences. And things get nasty, slapping, hitting with sticks and there was one time when he bit my mother on the arm.

For my parents, the house and the cyberspace are war zones and they must gather people to their sides. Their arguments stem from ridiculously petty issues but escalate to trash talking and in bringing up events that happened before I was born.

It comes as a surprise to me how I remained a good student all through my school years and eventually have become a dentist.

The only impact of my parents’ toxicity that I am aware of is that I have grown to be extremely wary of expressing anger in particular and confrontations in general. My social life has been rather ordinary, even today I have a few friends from my school days with whom I am in touch. In dental school too I have been friendly with my peers, only the coming years shall tell me how many of them will remain in my life but I am optimistic.

What I wish to know from you is how should I approach dating.

Seeing the disaster my parents are, I have no intention of getting matched with a person I have no compatibility with or to even have her live with them. I fear she’ll become just as bitter, resentful and toxic as they are. The conclusion I have made at present is to focus on my education and career, get a place of my own away from my parents and then think of dating.

But I cannot exactly control when people come in my life. In India, most women get married before thirty and I fear that by the time I have enough money for a house away from my toxic parents (I assume i will be in my mid thirties by the time I become financially independent) there would be no single women left. Even during my years in dental school, three women got married and one of them gave her graduation exams while pregnant! It kind of like a biological clock for men.

This is what is always on my mind whenever I am interested in someone at the present moment. Though I fully understand that not all relationships will end in marriage and may collapse after that too, I don’t want to be the kind of person who is dating without any end point in mind. This may be an atypical thought coming from a man born in the late nineties by that is my old-fashioned way.

And I don’t think that anyone is there to “go on a journey to build and grow together.” Everyone seems to want the finished product, not a work in progress, financially or emotionally.

And to top it all off, it might all be pointless since the woman in question might be married off by her parents to someone else anyway. (Arranged marriages are very prevalent in India). Of course that applies to me too, but I don’t want to go down that path knowing how badly it can get when living with someone you are not compatible with.

I will appreciate your regarding my situation.

Thanks in advance.

Joyless in The City of Joy

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Why Don’t I Enjoy Sex Anymore?

December 14, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

To start with thanks for all the work you do, the advice you give is always appreciated!

I would love to get your thoughts on something that’s been bothering me for awhile. I was a virgin through most of my 20’s, until I was in a long term relationship with a great woman. To my surprise, I actually ended up not only enjoying sex a lot, but also found out that I was pretty good at it. Throughout our relationship we had frequent, incredible, mutually satisfying sex. That relationship ended, and since then, every time I’ve been intimate with a woman it hasn’t gone well. I can tell they weren’t enjoying themselves as much, and to be honest, I wasn’t either. I don’t know if it’s that I’m dating the wrong people. I’ve found them all attractive and I felt like I had good chemistry and a good relationship with all them prior to getting into bed. Once we’re there, it wasn’t quite the same. It’s been ok for me, but never something that excited me to the level of that long term girlfriend, and I haven’t had an orgasm with any partner since her. I’m guessing my issues are more psychological than physical. I’m willing to say that it could just require more time to get comfortable and figure out what each other likes, but so far no one I’ve dated has been willing to stick around long enough to keep trying. Some of the women I’ve dated have even told me that because I couldn’t orgasm, it felt like I didn’t find them attractive. I will admit, it could just be nerves. I do have an anxiety disorder which can get in the way sometimes.

The thing in the back of my mind though is that prior to that long term relationship I often wondered if there was a chance I was somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I had a few relationships prior to that girlfriend. None of them lasted more than a few months, and were at best ok. I was definitely attracted to women, and curious about sex as part of a romantic relationship, but it wasn’t something I was actively seeking out. When I was with that long term girlfriend though, I craved sex with her pretty much non stop. Everyone I’ve dated for any length of time since then I thought I wanted to have sex with too, but maybe I was just trying to convince myself that’s what I wanted. I don’t think I’m a-romantic. I go on lots of dates, and generally have a good time. I’d say though that I only end up being attracted to someone maybe once a year, and never to the level of heart pounding excitement I had in that long term relationship. Those experiences have made me wonder again if I actually am on the asexual spectrum, and that woman was just an exception. Since that one relationship though, I now know what I’m missing out on, and I really want to have that kind of intimate relationship with someone again. I would appreciate any insight or tips for what I can do going forward.

Thank you!

FOMO(Fear Of Missing Orgasms)

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