use your words Archives

Did I Ruin My Best Friend’s Relationship?

October 20, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I need help with a tricky situation.

We’re going to call my best friend Noel. Noel is a heterosexual woman, and I’m a heterosexual man, and we’re roommates. People think we’re a couple, and they have good reason to. We do everything together–dinner every night, coffee in the morning, tennis lessons, walking a mile to the Post Office whenever one of us needs to mail a package, etc. We have made plans for our future together. Whenever I see a Tumblr post about how friendships should be assigned as much value as romantic relationships, I feel like they’re talking about us.

You’re probably thinking this is the part where I want to confess my love to her, but nothing could be further from the truth. I have no feelings for her whatsoever. We click alarmingly well, we share a sense of humor and two cats, and she’s really cute, but I don’t get butterflies in my stomach whenever I see her or anything like that. I doubt she’s into me either (I’m not her type, and I’m a lot older than her).

She doesn’t have relationships with men that last longer than a night, and even those went away with the threat of COVID-19, but she did try about a year ago. This guy really did not like me. He was nothing short of cordial to me, but you can just tell. I tried to be social and engaging whenever he came around (which is especially hard when you’re a four-alarm introvert like I am), and I did find him interesting. The reason their relationship ended was because she had no time for him; meanwhile she had time to hang out and watch movies with me or for us to go on long walks or visit friends in a neighboring city.

Did they break up because of me? Probably not—she had set boundaries, and he crossed them too many times. But I will bet money that I did not help. I know she wants to get married and maybe have kids. And I fear that she will never get there if I’m in the picture. I mentioned her recent ex to a friend of mine, who stated that if she were dating me, Noel would absolutely be a problem. And now that she’s started dating again, where does that leave me? I’m not concerned that she won’t prioritize me anymore if she finds a guy who works, I’m worried that she will.

tl;dr: I’m worried that I’m going to make someone jealous and interfere with my best friend’s love life. I’m worried that the nature of our relationship will be discouraging to men she might be interested in. On the other side of that, I’m worried that, if she does find what she’s looking for, I won’t have a best friend anymore, and since I’m not interested in looking for romance, I’ll be alone.

Tell me, Doc, is it serious? Am I sitting around and freaking out over a problem that isn’t there? Is this relationship only fulfilling a need that she’d rather have fulfilled with someone she can have naked sweaty times with? Or will we remain besties until the end of time? Tell me I’m overthinking this, please. Thank you.

BFF

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How Do I Avoid Getting Ghosted on Dating Apps?

October 18, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc, I’ve found your advice for online dating really helpful recently, and this situation has me stumped.

I matched with this lady online and we hit it off well! But when I asked her if she’d want to meet up in person, she said she won’t be able to for over a month or so as she needs to revise. We’re still talking for now and she seems keen to meet, it doesn’t seem like excuse. But we’ve only been talking for a week and it seems like a relatively long time in advance to plan and to be patient for, but mostly I’m concerned we’ll lose that ‘emotional momentum‘ you’ve mentioned in previous posts, or that there’ll be expectations or assumptions built up over time.

Do you think there’s a way around this?

Newton’s First Law

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Does My Friend Want Me, Or Is She Just Playing Games?

October 11, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I am in great need of help to decipher a situation that I have going on with a friend of mine. It has been going on for a pretty long time and is kind of a big emotional trap that I have fallen into many times.

I’ll try to keep the backstory short so I can get to the present situation. I have a friend, we’ll call her A.

We have been friends since primary school and have had a bit of a back and forth thing going on ever since. I had crushes on her at times, she had crushes on me at times, but it just never really worked out. In particular for the last year of high school I was totally in love with her and was heavily pursuing her, but I could never make it happen. We hung out all the time, but there is something about this girl that just scrambles my brain when it comes to making a move. At the time I had had other relationships and made moves on other people, it wasn’t something that was really an issue for me, unless it was with A. I don’t know why, maybe because by this point it felt like there was so much on the line.

Anyway, after high school we lost touch a bit. She moved away and eventually I moved somewhere else too. We would talk from time to time, but pretty infrequently.

We ended up reconnecting 3 years ago when I was in her town for a few days. I had posted on facebook asking if I knew anyone in town who wanted to hang out and she asked me to meet her at a party. At the time she was in a relationship, but she is a good friend and I was just keen to catch up. When I went to the party there was a lot of chemistry going on. We were reminiscing over old memories and there was a lot of physical contact going on. I had a feeling that something was going on there, but she was in a relationship and also very intoxicated, so I had no intention of trying to take it anywhere. We hung out the next night too and it was the same deal. She also went on a big rant about how unhappy she was in her relationship and how she wants to get out of it and move to my city for university. But again, she got incredibly drunk that night (This is a pretty common occurrence), so nothing I could do.

She ended up coming to visit a few months after that, same situation, same chemistry, same complaints about her relationship. She would also make a big show of explaining to people how she and I had had numerous crushes on each other in the past. It really really felt like something was going on here.

Fast forward a year and she ended up moving to my city, along with her boyfriend. This is where things get a bit weird.

The same stuff is happening, same chemistry, same complaints, also bringing up the story about our crushes to people when we hang out, including her boyfriend, which was very uncomfortable. At parties she clings to me intensely. If I walk away to get a drink or go to the bathroom she grabs my arm and asks where I am going. She will playfight with me and try to wrestle me. She will come and sit on my lap in front of her boyfriend.

This shit is seriously confusing and pulls me into this trap where I can’t stop thinking about the situation and trying to figure out what to do.

This goes on for about a year until she finally breaks up with her boyfriend. So here I am thinking “Holy shit! It’s time!”. But she ended up sleeping with my friend before we got to hang out. Thanks to the lockdown for that.

That’s always a bummer, but it wasn’t a big deal.

We kept hanging out when we finally could and the chemistry was still there, but it was weird and different. There was still the wrestling and touching and clinginess, but she would also be very flirty with other people at the same time. Again, it is what it is, she’s single, she can do what she wants.

But there was a party at her house where at the end of the night she was calling out for me to come to bed with her and telling everyone to get out of her room. As you can imagine I was elated, only for my dreams to be quickly shattered. We got into bed and cuddled before she started asking me for advice about her situation with my friend. I gave what advice I could before I bounced out of there and walked home in the cold with a pretty sore heart.

So at this point my brain is fucked. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, so I figure I have to shoot my shot. We hung out again a short while after that and this was my opportunity, I needed to know what was up with us. I really wanted to just make a physical move, and I kind of think that would have been better, but she is a very dear friend and I didn’t want to do something that might fuck that up. So I just told her how I felt and asked if there was anything going on between us.

It did not go well. She made a very shocked face and just slowly shook her head. We talked about it afterwards and it ended up not being a big deal, but definitely not the response I was hoping for or expecting.

As disappointing as it was, honestly I was just happy to have an answer. I felt like I could move on. Fast forward to now, I am slipping back into the trap because our interactions are back to feeling very flirty. We hang out a lot and she is still saying and doing some very suggestive things. She’ll send me “u up?” in the middle of the night and want to chat when she can’t sleep.

It’s such a confusing situation and I understand how it is easy for people to misread the intentions of their romantic interests because they only see what they want to see. But it isn’t just me. When I told my friends about the outcome of my confession they were more surprised than me.

So I just don’t know where the fuck I stand with this situation.

I’m not expecting anything here, if it is not to be, then that’s what it is and honestly I’m pretty sure that is the case. She is one of the best friends I have and I’m pretty thrilled to get to have that. I just need help to unfuck my head so I can understand this better.

Thanks

Brain.exe Has Stopped

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These Mistakes Ruin Relationships (Before They Can Even Start)

September 29, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Here’s a truth: relationships end. Sometimes they end because the relationship came to its natural conclusion; it was a relationship that was right for that particular place and time, and the people involved outgrew the relationship. Other times, however, relationships end because the relationship itself didn’t work. Someone wasn’t happy, someone found that their needs weren’t being met, or realized that they just had to go. Still other times, relationships end because people let it die… or caused its death.

young man standing with a Red Rose on Hand with woman walking away in a park — Wife Guy… NO MORE

But what a lot of folks often don’t realize is how many relationships had their end already written before the relationship had even begun. While the early days of dating someone are often the easiest and most enjoyable, these can also set the stage for how the relationship will end… sooner, rather than later. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the thrill of the new, when you and your partner are both getting that oxytocin high off each other and not realize that you’re planting the seeds that will cause everything to fall apart down the line.

To make matters worse, these are issues that may seem minor at first, but metastasize faster than you might realize. They may feel insignificant at the start, but ultimately they’re matters of respect; respect for your partner and respect for yourself. And a relationship without respect cannot last or be healthy.

Gentlemen, you don’t want to leave your future to chance. It’s time to learn how to recognize the mistakes that will spell the end of even the happiest relationships. When you understand and avoid these mistakes, you’ll quit struggling with your relationships and become the kind of man your partner will love to brag about to others.

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What If He’s NOT Man Enough?

September 27, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I was inspired to write this based on the headline of your recent article and how you’ve talked about archetypes in previous columns. Do you have any advice for or places to look for men who don’t really identify under the banner of masculinity in general? I know you’ve pushed the idea of there’re being tons and tons of different personal models of masculinity, but what about the people who fall out of even that?

While adopting feminine aesthetics has gotten more acceptance over the past few years, I don’t know if I’ve seen the same encouragement for guys who are – socially – feminine or androgynous. (Most aesthetically feminine guys I know are still fairly masculine personality-wise.) It’s usually either met with insults or an assumption that our lack of masculinity corresponds with some lack of confidence. I feel you can see this in a lot of media, in which a less masculine character might end their character arc with a boost in confidence and act more aggressive. What’s more, I do get the impression that your blog does tend to assume some degree of social masculinity. Not knocking you, but I do wonder if that changes the needed advice.

For background’s sake, despite identifying as a guy and having an outwardly masculine body, my personality and usual social role is regarded by myself and others as pretty feminine. My good friends often tell me I’m pretty feminine and “think like a woman” in a non-derogatory way and compare me a lot to the female characters in the shows we watch. (Think Nia from Gurren Lagann, Kumiko from Hibike Euphonium, Aerith from FF7, and in a rare male instance Kamui Uehara from the recent No More Heroes 3 and TSA) I’m well known in town for being ‘sweet’, people say I bring a calming atmosphere to the room, and my friends value me for being the guy that’ll always listen to their problems. These are all parts of me I like about myself and it feels pretty often that the dating advice people give ask me to abandon these aspects.

The whole “safe-dangerous” dichotomy is one that I feel gross about in particular, partially as someone who’s experienced sexual assault in the past. I really hate advice that says to make yourself “a little dangerous” as well as the contrasting notion that it’s my job in a relationship to “protect” the woman. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to be able to say that in a crisis I’d do my best to help others and put them before myself, but something about me being seen in the image of a masculine “protector” makes my skin crawl. It feels like one of those areas where more progressive space will still trend towards gender essentialism.

(It’s probably good to mention I grew up and am getting my degree in a mid-sized town in a very red, very southern state. This probably has influenced the model of masculinity I’ve internalized. I have no plans at all to stay once I graduate.)

Now onto the actual ‘dating’ aspect. Despite getting myself to a point where I feel okay with asking girls out, I have yet to go on an actual date — much less form a romantic relationship. For some reason or another the answer is always a ‘no.’ Most of my friends, male and female, think I’d be a great boyfriend to whoever’d be into me and I’ve even had lady-friends offer to try and set me up on a date — all of which the attempts never succeed. While I’m grateful for the female friends I’ve had, I don’t really know what it feels like to be desired in a physical or romantic sense. (I know the point you’ve made about sex positivity leading to more/better sex but despite being that for most of my life it’s made no difference. Seeing that point kinda weirded me out after being sex-positive and approving of more forward women with no expectation of recompense for years.)

People will always say that I’ll know it when it happens, but that’s unfortunately rung hollow in my experience. I’ve had instances where I and my friends totally thought that someone was signaling interest towards me (initiating and heavily escalating physical contact, saying things as brazen as “I bet you’re a sub”, saying we should go out for coffee sometime, etc,) but when I make the move to ask them on a date it turns out they didn’t see me in that fashion at all. Every time I feel like I’m getting close, it’s as if the sun decides that it’s time for my wings to catch fire. And I’m not going to lie, it’s demoralizing. Confusing, even, when tons of girls around me’s first way to describe their boyfriend or crush is “a lot like you.”

I just don’t know what’s missing at this stage. Even worse, neither do my friends. My failed attempt usually end with the old sentiment of “you did everything right, the interest just wasn’t there.” But how long can I reasonably be expected to run on that?

I know you’ve mentioned that it’s good to be someone who is happy with who they are and to feel like you’re datable. I was doing pretty well for myself before the pandemic and have been trying to work on the physical and mental issues that predictably come with spending a year in isolation (might take a while to get that senior-sixty off, though.) I feel like I have somewhat interesting hobbies; I play guitar, I’m handy with a camera, I like to cook, and I’m constantly getting compliments from friends, peers, and professors on my personal writings. I’m well-liked within my town, and I’ve been working for years towards the path I want to take in life. I’m really wondering at this point where my blind spot could be, or if it’s just a simple matter of needing to continue with my weight loss, try therapy again despite my dissatisfaction with the last go around, and wait for someone who’ll finally either initiate or reciprocate my interest. Maybe my head will break the brick wall someday.

Best Regards,
Malewife Matriarch, Femboy Fatale

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