virginity Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Are We More Than Just Friends?

April 1, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I have a friend that I’ve known since college and we’ve kept in contact well after I graduated. However, due to our own responsibilities, we had times when we wouldn’t contact each other for months at a time. But when we did reconnect, it was almost like that hiatus never happened. I consider this person a close friend who loves the same nerdy things even more than I do.

Recently (I’d say over the course of a year and a half), we’ve been talking more frequently. In October of last year, he invited me to spend the day with him at NYCC (New York Comic Con). Had a dope- ass time with him. I actually hung out with him at his place for about 4 hours last week and I had a great time. He said he enjoyed having me over as well. We didn’t do anything except game and chat (we are both fairly introverted). During one of our conversations, he told me that as long as I let him know when, I can show up at his place pretty much whenever. He even mentioned that I could also spend the night if I wanted, something that no male has ever offered to me. I’m someone with no dating experience, so I’m not sure what would be the proper way of thinking about his offer.

He has since invited me out to other events and for me to come over to his place again. And honestly, he’s an awesome dude to be around, and I even developed a bit (that’s putting it mildly) of a crush on him. I’m keeping all of my expectations low, in case it turns out that he just likes hanging out with me.

That being said, deep down, I believe that he is developing feelings for me. I’ve hung out with him multiple times at his house. We’ve moved on from just gaming to watching movies together. During the movie, I even sometimes catch him staring at my face, and when we have conversations, he positions himself facing me and maintains eye contact. It actually sometimes get awkward. My recent visit had him complimenting my hair, which I totally wasn’t expecting. He opens up to me a lot as well. And when it’s time for me to leave, he seems reluctant to let me go.

So, yeah, I’m here asking for advice; how would you interpret this behavior? Please help a poor, inexperienced soul out.

Thanks in advance.

Reading The Tea Leaves

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, My Girlfriend Wants Sex (And I Don’t)

March 11, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I was hoping you could help me figure out what to do in the situation i’m in.

My girlfriend and I are both virgins, and we’ve have been in a relationship for two years and change. Recently – around two years ago – we ended our long-distance relationship and finally started living together. Ever since I moved in, she’s been more and more insistent on having sex.

Simply put, I don’t want to have sex yet. She always respects it when I say no (otherwise I would have broken up her the first time she did this) but she seems to get very upset when I do. She’s been getting increasingly antsy about it each time. She’s even started telling people I wont have sex with her, and has been making remarks to others about how I wont have sex with her in casual conversation… whether it’s private or not.

I honestly feel quite close to screaming at her about it, but I don’t want to be the person to bring it to that point. The last thing I want is an argument. It’s incredibly upsetting because I feel as though she isn’t respecting my boundaries on this.

If it’s worth mentioning, I’ve still been regularly masturbating and my sex drive is still very much intact. I just don’t personally feel ready for this, the way that she seems to be. She even dropped condoms near me and said “We’re using these tonight” before going to work today.

Thank you

Stressed and Unsure

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I’m Too Frustrated To Date!

February 15, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Dr. NerdLove,

I’m a big fan of your writings and your youtube videos and am immensely glad that there’s a guy giving good dating advice that doesn’t spring from that weird toxic pickup artist bs. You’re doing a great service to men of the world. Anyway, onto my question.

I’m a 24 year old man who’s a virgin (long story short: late bloomer due to issues with anxiety and depression). I’ve made great strides in recent years, in no small part thanks to the therapist I had seen for about 2 years, ending in December of last year. I have lots of friends, diverse interests, and having finally started living on my own starting in the summer of last year. I’ve begun dating as well, mainly through dating apps though I’m trying to get out into the bar scene and other meatspace opportunities to meet potential dates. Though it can sometimes be hard to find a friend willing to head out with me (just another joy of being an adult I guess).

Anyway, while I don’t have trouble finding dates (I’m not great at it, but still learning) I do find myself being somewhat stymied by my sexual frustration at times. I have a very high sex drive (often having ‘me time’ at least once or twice a day), and whenever I get on Tinder or Bumble and start swiping my mind immediately goes to thoughts of potentially having sex with them. Same thing when I see a cute thing at a bar: my mind can pretty quickly go from “Oh she’s cute” to “I really want to see her with her top off” pretty damn quick. I obviously don’t want to approach them with that thought bouncing around in my brain because I’m worried about coming on too strong thanks to my desire, and because I’m genuinely interested in a relationship without jumping into bed with someone right away. Even when I can keep that frustration in check, when I start talking to someone I’m interested in that lust can pop up pretty damn quick, which I feel in turn makes me act like I have more invested in this person than I actually do, which in turn can make me come on to strong and seem desperate.

How can I deal with my sexual frustration? How can I make sure to keep my desire in check and not come on too strong with dates or potential dates? Is this really a problem, or am I just letting my dating anxiety get the best of me and making excuses not to talk to these people?

Sincerely,
Revved Up With No Place To Go

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Ask My Friend For A Threesome?

January 14, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I am a bisexual woman in a very happy relationship with my fiancé (a dude). Recently, we have been discussing the potential of having threesomes, as a way of exploring our sexuality further together.

I have had something of a long-standing crush on a mutual friend of ours. He’s a part of our main group of friends who we hang out with weekly to play D&D with. We’re all slightly awkward nerds. I’ve been getting a general vibe lately that the attraction might be mutual, especially after we spent the majority of the last party we had basically cuddling. But I feel I could also just be reading what I want to be into what may just be friendly interactions for him! I’ve been thinking lately that I might want to be straightforward about my attraction to him, and ask if he’d be up for a threesome. My fiancé is aware of all of this and is open to it as well.

I just really don’t want to make things uncomfortable between us. I really like him as a person and value his friendship more than anything. I think a threesome could be a lot of fun if he was interested, but I don’t want to be creepy, or make him feel like I’ve been his friend under false pretenses. If his answer was no I would be absolutely ok with that, and it wouldn’t change how I feel about him as a friend. I’ve only ever had sex with my fiancé before, so this is really a varsity level conversation that I don’t know how to even start, or if I should start at all. What should I do?

Thanks,
Don’t Know If I Can Make This Diplomacy Check

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It Too Late For Me?

December 31, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’m going to make this a bit of a short story, starting with the present, moving on to the past, and ending with some questions on how to approach my love-life’s future, if you don’t mind.

I’m a 32 year old web applications programmer, and I have had no real experience with love, sex, or even dating. There’s optimistic phrases for people like me, such as “late bloomer,” or “don’t compare your life to others, just live your life and things will be fine.” But, I’m real scared that I’m on my way to being Steve Carell’s 40-year-old Virgin. This leads me to not talk much about my love life with friends or family, but also, I think, leads to a circular problem because by not putting myself out there as willing or available, nothing really comes my way; kind of like job hunting. Compounding it all is the fact that I do suffer from some depression and social anxiety, which makes it tough for me to get out on my own. Leading me to go out only when I have friends or family available, and typically keeps me from going to or participating in things where I might meet other singles like myself.

Now for the past: I moved from a tiny town in a very rural area–like literally it was a 2 and a half hour drive just to go to a Walmart–when I was in the middle of High School to a larger city/metro with close to 3 million people. Made it hard to make and keep close friends. No real complaints. I’ve lived a good life. My Senior year of High School, I was a foreign exchange student in Kyoto, Japan, and went to a college prep (and English language friendly) school affiliated with the University of Kyoto. Met some friends that I currently pen pal (email) with today. Also, in my Junior year of High School, I was in Taekwondo. You would think a 16 year old boy would be hormone filled and super open to sex, but when a 26 year old instructor came onto me when we traveled together to a tournament with an overnight stay, I freaked out and was scared. Not really something you talk with any friends about, it’s just embarrassing. In college, I kinda sorta dated this girl that was in several of my classes, but, honestly, and embarrassingly, I didn’t really know how to take things a step further than just hanging out every now and then, going to a few movies, dinners, coffee shops, she even invited me over and cooked dinner a few times. I knew she wanted to “officially” date and was waiting for me to do something more…I could just feel it. But, I didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to communicate my feelings. I liked her, and wanted to take it further, too, but just wasn’t sure how to get past where we were. So, we graduated, she moved for a job, I moved for grad school, and that was that. We kept up a bit from a distance over the phone and email, but not much anymore; she’s married now. Got a scholarship to study at Cambridge in the UK for my masters degree. School was pretty intense, and I didn’t have a whole lot of time. Weirdly, there was a guy that I shared a very similar experience with that I had with my “kinda sorta girlfriend” in college. We actually kind of dated, I think. And, if I’m honest, I was attracted. And, I think it was a similar situation where we just weren’t sure how to go to the next step. So, I’m not really sure, but I may be bisexual.

That’s where we get to where I’m at now, and how do I move forward. I’m back where I’ve been since I was a Sophomore in High School. Living alone, but about a half hour drive from the parents. Working as a programmer. Having a hard time getting out on my own. And, also a little confused about my sexuality because, let’s be honest, I really have no real experience at all. How to a reconcile this and move forward. At 32, even if I’m comfortable with the fact that all my friends are married or seriously dating and I am doing nothing of the sort (which, I’m not), I feel like it’s time to move forward a bit. It’s hard to live alone at this point and not feel a little lonely. Any advice on steps to take to just get a catalyst going toward moving out of stagnation?

Thanks, Doc!

Too-Late Bloomer

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