virginity Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Get Over My Girlfriend’s Past?

September 7, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m currently in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend. We’ve been together for about three months and I’ve been constantly concerned about my girlfriend’s past. I’ve known her for around seven years and as long as I’ve known her, she has always been a conservative person. She always said that she wouldn’t get in a relationship until she was 18 and wouldn’t have sex until she was 21. However a year ago, one of her teachers, who was 26 at the time, started to pursue her, both in school and out of school. She fell in love with him and had sex with him over the course of three months. We’re both 17 now and she’s been telling me how she’s completely over him, but I’m still slightly bothered after seeing their texts and how a single person changed her from a incredibly conservative person to a very open minded person. Her ex is also much better than me, in bed or just as a person in general. Everytime I have time by myself I just get bothered by the fact that she’s been with someone 10 years older than her, at the age of 16.

I know this might seem normal to some but for me, a traditional Asian guy, I just don’t seem to be able to get over it. Could you please give me some advice?

Long Distance Dilemma

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Episode #76 – The Virginity Paradox

May 17, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Recently, we’ve been talking about toxic masculinity and all of the ways that it damages men on the individual level and society on the whole. One of the enduring questions is: so what do we do about it.

Part of the way we start end the damage that toxic masculinity does and help heal some of the pain is to talk openly and honestly about some of the issues that come bundled in the toxic masculinity package. And one of the biggest issues is the topic of sex – especially how it affects men who aren’t having it.

A lot of people – men and women both – feel ashamed of being virgins, and honestly, the way we treat virginity is profoundly fucked up. And it can be especially troubling for male virgins because there’s a lot of cultural bullshit caught up in masculine identity and sexuality. Sex is a core component of toxic masculinity; your value and measure of a man is in how much sex you have and how often you have it. If you haven’t had any… well, are you really a man at all?

It’s time to talk about the shame, the stigma and the frustration that comes from being a virgin when you don’t want to be.

Show Highlights:

How our brains drive our frustration with being virginity
Why toxic masculinity is behind the shame of being a male virgin
How society creates pressure to lose your virginity as soon as possible
Whether being a virgin is a turn-off to women
Why there’s no such thing as “too late”

…and so much more

Related Links:

The 20, 30 and 40 Year Old Virgin

The “Problem” With Male Virginity

The Virgin’s Guide To Great Sex

Sex For Beginners

How To Be An Amazing Kisser

Listen Here
Download Here

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Episode #75 – How Do You Fix The Problem With Incels?

May 10, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Over the last couple of weeks, it seems as though the world has been talking about incels – people who refer to themselves as being involuntarily celibate. But while we are all bringing attention to the existence of incels, but there aren’t many resources for people who want to stop being involuntarily celibate. What is the real issue that drives otherwise good people to the incel community? How can someone who calls themselves involuntarily celibate break the cycle and escape the hate and misogyny that’s inherent in the incel scene?

Show Highlights:

Why getting laid and sex workers aren’t the solution to the problem with incels
How incels doom themselves to failure when they try to get better
Why sex and sexual frustration isn’t the root of the problem
How the incel community deliberately makes people feel worse
The key to fixing the real problem that’s driving incels

… and so much more.

Related Links:

The “Problem” With Male Virginity

Your Attitude Controls Your Dating Success

Where Do You Get Your Validation?

Unlearning Helplessness

Why We All Feel So Lonely (And What We Can Do About It)

Amwell Online Therapy

Escape from Incel: Redditor explains how he extracted himself from the toxic subculture and rejoined the real world

Listen Here
Download Here

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Consider becoming a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

The Incel Phenomenon: Fixing The Wrong Sexual Crisis

May 4, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I see we’re not done talking about incels.

After Alek Minassian’s deadly attack on innocents in Toronto, scores of people decided to share their hot takes about how to “handle” the incel problem. Of course: like as not, the “problem” they focused on was that incels were angry virgins instead of the hate and misogyny that was radicalizing young men.

Worse, the solution wasn’t to deal with the anger, but to deal with the virginity.

Never was the absurdity of this argument more visible than when economist Robin Hansen attempted to equate being a virgin to financial inequality – leading many to wonder just what the absolute fuck was wrong with him.

(Considering that Hansen has described infidelity as being akin or worse to rape and that maybe women who cuckold their husbands should be tortured – but don’t quote him on that – the answer is evidently “a lot.”)

Now, one might be forgiven for thinking, as I did, that most people would recognize the idea that maybe we should ask women to “take one for the team” in the name of preventing future attacks is both idiotic on its face and disgusting to boot. Sure, someone at The Federalist was undoubtedly limbering up their hands to produce their next hot take but c’mon. It’s The Federalist.

This, of course, was like daring the universe to prove me wrong. I may as well have stood on a mountain and declared that God has shitty aim.

On Wednesday, I was coming back from a lovely trip to the UK to see friends. After a nine hour enforced vacation from the Internet, I turn on my phone to discover that New York Times contributor Ross Douthat picked up the Baton of Stupid Arguments and ran with it.

So we need to talk about just what’s so mind-bogglingly wrong with the argument that the problem with incels is some sort of “sexual inequality.”

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Being A Virgin Cost Me My Relationship

March 26, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I am a 35 years old man who recently broke up with his girlfriend for 3 years, because I couldn’t handle the fact that she has had several lovers before me and I was an inexperienced virgin. I keep comparing us on that and I feel awful.

My life is severely fucked up due to family problems and as a result I have always been alone, feeling disappointed and with low self-esteem. I abstained from coming close to women. I met her through common friends.

She really loves me and I know I would have stayed with her, if it wasn’t for my constant urge to meet and have sex with other girls as I have never done before and “bridge the experience gap”. I never cheated on her and neither did she have a problem with me being inexperienced.

I feel I have lost my one and only precious love with whom I would like to spend the rest of my life. How can I proceed, feel good with myself and come back to her after all? I know from her own words that for the time being she is still there for me, showing her true love. Can I make it or do I have to cope with her loss to truly find myself and “grow up”, finding love with a new mate?

The thoughts that I am old, I don’t have many chances to settle down and that there will always be an abyss of experience separating me from the girls around my age buzz in my head and drive me mad.

Thank you very much in advance!

Virgin In The Wild

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