Hello Dr. Nerdlove,
I am a twenty-year-old girl currently dating a twenty-seven-year-old guy. We’ve been together for six months now, and our relationship has been sexual for a few months. It’s been great, but I wouldn’t be writing if things were perfect.
Before this relationship, I was extra virgin. No intercourse or other partnered sexual activity, no kissing, no cuddling, nothing. Everything is new and exciting, and my “introduction” has been great. My boyfriend can read me perfectly. He recognizes when something feels good and does it, even if it seems silly. He delights in my pleasure.
Here’s the problem. When we’re together, everything is very much about me. My pleasure. My satisfaction. My climax. When I’m done, that’s it, unless I indicate I want to go for round n+1. In many ways, I suppose it’s a reversal of the “usual” problem.
I want to be a more giving partner but I’m very shy and timid, and I have no experience in this regard at all. I’ve tried my hand at manual stimulation, but he’ll often position himself in such a way that I can’t actually get a hand on things, such as by pressing against me. Neither of us has performed oral on the other and we’ve had sex exactly twice. Both times went very well, but he suffers from performance anxiety (he can get it up, until we want to do something with it). He’s very good at rolling with it, and can adjust with barely a hiccup, but I do wish I knew what to do to help him relax. I’ve done everything I know of to reassure him that I’m not frustrated or disappointed or mad or judging him or whatever, but usually I just ignore it. I don’t know if that’s the best way to address it, but it feels better than pointing it out unless he does.
I really care for this guy, enough so that I feel game for just about anything. Even “weird” stuff, if it was what he wanted. I’ve told him, multiple times, that if there’s anything he wants he can tell me. He always says he’s happy, and I do believe him. At the same time, I feel selfish. I want to make HIM feel good, in any way I can, not just take my own pleasure.
When it comes to doing something for the first time, I usually wait for him to guide me into it. I’m not very proactive, partly because I don’t know if any given action would be something he wants. I’m nervous about making specific offers because I don’t know what I’m doing, but I think that’s part of the problem. He’s timid too, so we both tend to sit around wanting something without saying it (neither of us gets resentful, though. We know we should just say it already; we’re just nervous). Recently, when I asked if he wanted me to do anything, he instead asked if there was anything *I* wanted to do. I was too shy to tell him I wanted to try giving him head. Besides, though I appreciate his concern for what I want, I want to know what HE wants.
I want to be more giving in my relationship, but I don’t know how. I want to make my boyfriend feel good, not just happy. Should I stop pussyfooting and make specific offers, or should I ask permission to perform (prospects that make me very nervous)? Or should I approach it from another angle entirely?
-It’s Better To Give Than To Receive