Hi Dr NerdLove!
I’m looking for advice because although I’m not 40 years old, I will be next year and I’m dealing with a problem I’ve been avoiding most of my life and I’m starting to realize that if I don’t address it now I will be alone forever.
The actual status of being a virgin doesn’t bother me so much as not being able to get started. I’ve somehow gone 39 years on this planet not being able to form a single relationship with another woman. I’ve never been on a date in my life, I’ve faced rejection all my life and sometime in my early 30’s, I just stopped. I wish I could adhere to the “Never give up” philosophy but the truth is that after a lifetime of failures and not a single success to latch onto, I don’t know any other way and I just stopped. I’m tired of being rejected, of being unwanted, dating and relationships became something other people did and I need not concern myself with it.
Now as I’m approaching my 40’s I’m facing the problem of loneliness and not being able to take action when I think I might actually have a shot with someone.
I’ve been crushing hard on a female friend and I don’t know how to handle it. She confides in me, she inspires me and I’m fairly certain she wants me to make a move on her but I just can’t. I’m quiet and mostly keep to myself but she approaches me and even offers to drive me home sometimes and isn’t repulsed if I ask for a hug. I’m confident at least that she likes me as a friend but I’m paralyzed with doubt and fear. I’ve told myself for 2 years this is just some infatuation, I’m crushing on a woman because someone finally started giving me attention and is being friendly and I’m being ridiculous. I tried to wait it out and let the feelings die like these intense feelings usually do, but this isn’t going away and she opens up more and more about her struggles to connect with people and start a relationship due to only being in 1 LTR in her life, if only she knew……
The more I think about it, the more I convince myself to just say something and ask her out or tell her how I feel, the more I realize that I’m just scared. I’m scared of rejection, I’m scared of her getting a boyfriend and yet would feel relief if that happened. But mostly, I think I’m scared she will say yes. Then I will have to spend time with someone and it’s all uncharted territory. I’ve never dated before at all. I went to some bars and clubs in my early 20s with friends and it was among the worst experiences in my life. I’m not social and she is among the few friends I have. I don’t know where to go, what to say, what to wear, what to do, and most of all, just being vulnerable and opening up to someone is terrifying. The anxiety is overwhelming and I find the best recourse is just to avoid her until I’ve cooled down and I’m almost certain if she has feelings for me she must feel awful if I’m never acting on them.
So yeah, whatever advice you can give, I’d love to hear it. All I know is that I have to do something soon because if I don’t, nothing will ever change.
Untouched at 40