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The Trouble With Defending Jeffrey Toobin

October 23, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Every once in a while, the universe throws a curveball at us. We think that — even allowing for the stress of a global pandemic, a presidential election that seems to be the last stand between democracy and fascism, right-wing and white supremacist terrorist groups threatening violence on election night and politicians openly embracing gonzo conspiracy theories — that we’ve seen it all.

And then we get a week of dudes not knowing when to keep their dicks in their pants and their hands out of them.

It says something about the week when this is the *least* disturbing story in the news.

But while some of these events are more salaciously comedic, some are more disturbing.

We talk a lot about what makes somebody creepy, where the lines are and how to avoid crossing them. After all, understanding what behaviors make women uncomfortable is an important part of creating a culture where women feel empowered to pursue the sex and relationships they want. However, whenever we talk about men behaving badly, we inevitably get the folks who want to defend them. The men — and it’s almost always men — who want to give cover to other dudes who crossed lines. Whether it’s writing it off as “locker room talk” or down-playing the seriousness of what happened, there always seem to be people who think that boundaries and limits are things that happen to other people.

So let’s talk a little about what it means when folks rush to defend other men from the consequences of their own actions.

[Read more…]

GUEST POST — Flirting and Forgiveness

July 6, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: today’s column is by Dr. Timaree Schmitt, host of Sex With Timaree and co-host of DTF: Darryl and Timaree Fun Hour. Also updated to add commentary on apologies and making amends.

There have been precious few upsides to the pandemic for me. But one highlight was discovering the You’re Wrong About podcast.

It’s hosted by a pair of journalists obsessed with exposing the way we collectively misremember history- or failed to understand it at the time. They have covered the Kitty Genovese murder (origin of the myth of “bystander apathy”), inner city gangs in the 90s (more a media narrative than a real phenomenon), and even the life of Marie Antoinette (she never said that thing we all think she said).

There is no shortage of topics for the You’re Wrong About podcast to explore, because, let’s be frank: we’ve been wrong about nearly everything, at least initially. As a species we’ve struggled to understand the world, making best guesses and learning bits and pieces over time, through a horrible process of trial and error.

Take the idea of germ theory of disease. It’s the concept that microorganisms and bacteria are responsible for many human illnesses. It was proposed a thousand years ago, but it wasn’t until the end of the 19th century that researchers came to accept that objects too tiny to be perceived by our eyes could be causing so much trouble.

Nowadays we can read about physicians of the 1850s going from performing an autopsy straight to delivering a baby without washing their hands and laugh riotously at the stupidity. How silly of them! How could they not know?

But we’re not smarter for having been born later. We simply don’t know what we don’t know. And until someone discovers something and effectively shares that knowledge, we will continue to not know.

And that’s how I feel about the way I learned about gender, consent and flirting. As a kid, I didn’t find it particularly confusing, because the narratives were actually very simple.

The idea was that women don’t really want to have sex; they just seek love and a partner who can take care of them. Men, on the other hand, want sex and validation and use love as a way to get that from women. Women are responsible for saying no to sex or providing it to those who are entitled to it. A man’s goal is to get access to women’s bodies. If he does, he is revered as capable and masculine, and it kind of didn’t matter so much whether he got that access through seduction, emotional manipulation, wealth, or even force.

This narrative was presented to me from every angle: romantic movies, jokes, the sexuality education I received. It was implicit in the articles in Cosmo and Maxim, song lyrics, and even the academic writings of evolutionary psychologists.

I don’t believe the sources of that narrative meant to harm. I don’t think the writers at FHM were actively thinking, “let’s completely remove all sexual agency from women and actively contribute to a culture that normalizes and excuses sexual assault.” I don’t think that a bunch of ad execs were sitting around a table saying, “I want women to feel preoccupied with being assessed as sexual objects and for men to be completely disengaged from their own emotions and unable to have healthy, intimate relationships.”

I think they were, like all of us, steeped in a culture that is ignorant. We had not yet realized that we need to wash the metaphorical germs off our metaphorical hands.

I was mad about all of this for a very, very long time. But that anger didn’t actually make me feel better and sometimes it was a barrier in being able to educate others. To move forward in my own life, I now embrace forgiveness: for all my favorite movies that told me it was ok to ignore boundaries and be emotionally manipulative for the sake of “love.” I forgive popular songs for normalizing treating people as objects. I forgive my school for assuming we were all straight, cisgender and wanted to get married and work in finance or whatever.

And I try to forgive myself for the ways I was a real douchebag too, hurting people’s feelings and making choices that today fill me with disgust. As a bisexual girl, I internalized both the messages about what to expect of men but also how to treat the women I dated. There weren’t many models of how I, a femme, should approach and romance another femme. So I took a page from the book of the straight dudes whom I thought -at the time- were cool. I was aloof, played games, was inconsiderate of boundaries, and ghosted on perfectly lovely humans. I’m filled with embarrassment at the thought of it now.

Forgiveness doesn’t make any of those actions OK. It’s just saying that no one benefits from carrying around icky anger and shame forever, hauling around baggage like it’s a trove of treasures.  We have all been harmed and we’ve all harmed, but we have to keep going. This requires acknowledging that we were wrong and committing to doing better.

A lot of Men’s Rights Activists (and conservatives in general) have a hard time with this. We may have been reared in a similar environment: same country, maybe the same religion or time frame. But instead of grasping that perhaps the culture’s framework around gender was wrong, they double down. Effectively it’s like saying: “if I start being concerned about germs getting me sick now, all the times I didn’t wash my hands: I was being stupid. And it means the sources of information I’ve trusted all my life might be wrong, which makes me feel uncertain and anxious. And we can’t have that.”

When we realize we’ve messed up, the next stop on the train is owning up and making amends. This is critical if we are going to continue to be connected to the person harmed, but a good idea regardless. Apologizing isn’t just about clearing the slate, but about rebuilding trust and establishing myself as a person who is worthy of their time and capable of learning and growing. Doing the work of being vulnerable in this way and attempting to repair damage not only demonstrates to others that we’re serious, but the act is a commitment to our future metaphorically hand-washing selves.

So what should my apology look like?

  • It requires a display remorse for having harmed the other person- which is categorically different than being regretful that they’re upset with me.
  • Admit responsibility- acknowledging that harm came from my action, regardless of what I intended or why I didn’t think it would be harmful at the time. Explain that I understand what was wrong about the action from their perspective, validating their experience. Skip excuses, minimizing or derailments about how I too have been harmed.
  • Attempt to make amends, thinking carefully about what I can do to set the situation right. Let them offer a solution to fixing what was damaged.
  • Offer assurance that it won’t happen again and then make an actual plan to avoid a recurrence. 

All of this should be offered directly and privately to the harmed person and we have to be ready to hear that they don’t accept the apology. And then we go from there, rededicated to the gameplan.

So what does this mean for flirting, seduction, and managing boundaries now?

First, we can make sure we are clear on the basics of consent, regardless of gender. Most of us get the idea that “no” means “no,” but we’re still working on affirming a “yes,” even in the small ways: offering touch before doing it, even ensuring that people feel free to leave a conversation.

Planned Parenthood has a great acronym for explaining consent: the FRIES model. They explain consent is:

  • Freely given
  • Reversible
  • Informed
  • Enthusiastic
  • Specific

All our choices must be made freely: without fear of repercussions for saying no, without coercion or the influence of drugs or alcohol. We can revoke consent at any time, even if we have said yes already or engaged in an act before. We communicate and agree on things like condom usage or how we’re going to navigate a risky act and ensure everyone is genuinely on board with what’s happening, not just going along.

This requires that we be truly attentive to the other person, staying present and looking for signs of their enjoyment or annoyance, anxiety, even zoning out. Basically: stay engaged in the conversation (or sexual act) and adjust according to their feedback.

It sounds like a lot of thinking and work. And to be real: it is. But rather than making sexuality more serious or stressful, this model of ongoing communication can make flirting and sex a lot more pleasurable: treating it as a creative, exploratory act, not a competition with a goal. We can derive pleasure from our partners’ pleasure, and collaborate together on flirting or sexual acts, approaching it less like a hunter and prey and more like musicians in a jam session.

And we’re not alone in this endeavor. Not only are there plenty of workshops available (shout out to my friend Vonka who teaches femme flirting), but lots of websites (including this one!) and articles and people you can hire to talk you through this process! 

And yes, we’re going to mess up and make awkward missteps. Knowing that it’s part of the process: we’ll apologize, try to set things right and do better going forward. We will also be rejected at some points. But when we approach with a different framework: the idea that sexuality and flirting are ways in which adults can have fun -not as inescapable fates of biology or the source of our validation- we’re liberated. And when we acknowledge that we have much more to learn -and always will- we’re preparing ourselves to adapt more easily.

Going forward, I’m going to be less interested in being “good at flirting” and more interested in being good at listening and showing interest in others. It seems like a good start.

 

Dr Timaree Schmit has been a sex educator for more of her life than not and is on this planet to bring rational, sex-positive, empirically-based knowledge about sexuality to audiences everywhere. She works as an adjunct professor, guest lecturer, writer, consultant, and host of the Sex with Timaree podcast and co host of DTF: Darryl and Timaree Fun Hour podcast. She is the LGBTQ and Sexuality affairs contributing writer for Philly Weekly and a long-time community organizer in the queer performance scene, and advocate for sex workers rights.

Episode #127 – Why Women Won’t Text You Back

November 20, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Why did she stop replying to your texts? Why won’t she text you back? Is time to panic?

When when stop responding to your texts, it can feel like she doesn’t like you any more. But that’s not always the case. If your text conversations are drying up before you can get her out on a date, then you may be having one of these common issues.

Here’s why women won’t text you back… and what you can do about it.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • Why most reason why women won’t text a guy back — it’s not what you think.
  • How you end up telling women not to bother replying to your texts
  • What to say to keep a conversation flowing effortlessly via text
  • Why guys who know this one texting secret go on more dates and have more sex than the guys who don’t
  • The text that is GUARANTEED to get a response, even from someone who hasn’t responded in days or weeks.

… and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

5 Common Texting Mistakes Men Make

How To Talk To Women On Social Media

How To Use Humor in Your Flirting

How to Be Instantly Magnetic To Women

How To Be Charming

Listen Here
Download Here
Transcript available at patreon.com/DrNerdLove


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Episode #126 – This Is Why Online Dating SUCKS (And 5 Ways To Fix It)

November 6, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Online dating sucks. Doesn’t matter if it’s Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid or Christian Mingle. Men get next to no matches, women get flooded with awful messages, bots, trolls and zombie profiles run rampant on most apps… it’s like trying to find a diamond in a pit of sewage. Most dating apps seem designed to be frustrating to ANYONE who wants to date someone of the opposite sex.

But it doesn’t have to bet that bad.

Here’s why online dating is so awful… and 5 ways you can make it better.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • What science has discovered about how men and women use Tinder
  • Why men match with women less than .6% of the time
  • How to use dating app algorithms to your advantage
  • Why you’re using the WRONG dating app
  • How The Cat Theory of Online Dating can improve your matches
  • The biggest sin of online dating

… and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

Private Coaching With Dr. NerdLove

How To Master Tinder

Tune Up Your Tinder Profile

How To Get Laid (Without Being a F*ckboy)

Texting Mistakes Men Make

How To Write The Perfect Online Dating Message

Listen Here
Download Here
Transcript available at patreon.com/DrNerdLove


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Our First Date Was Amazing, So Why Did She Reject Me?

October 18, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

Four weeks ago I matched with girl on Tinder, and things went normally. I broke the ice with a few questions, gave her my number so we could text instead (I didn’t call her since we had already been previously texting on tinder) and then made plans for a date. A couple days after that, I met her out for drinks and pool and darts (at this point we were having good conversation but no physical escalation ). We tried to go somewhere to dance but since it was the middle of the week, the place was dead; we just hung out and  talked instead. At this point we held hands as we left. Next we  drove to a karaoke bar, sang some songs and kissed. When we were leaving, I suggested we go to her place which was a block away. She agreed. We talked a bit, then started making out and things escalated. I was not planning on having sex which her, and I had even said this earlier, because I like to have sex with people I really care about. However, I felt comfortable with her so we had sex after all. I’m pretty sure it was good for her, she was a bit dry, so she was sore after but she was satisfied at least physically. The next morning, we messed around more but didn’t have sex because she was sore. Then we slept again till noon, which was a little late for us. We ended up talking for another two hours before I left to eat.

I waited four days and then had this texting exchange:

Me: Hey [DATE], hope your weekend has been going well. I had a great time with you last week and I’d love to see you again. What’s your schedule look like this week?

Her: It was really great meeting you, but I’m going to politely decline that second date. Hope all the best for you!
Me: That’s a real shame, I really enjoyed spending time with you. If you change your mind, feel free to hit me up. Hope all the best for you too.

I now have no clue what went wrong. Neither of us talked about seeing each other again. She asked in the morning how the date went and I sarcastically and playfully said “definitely a 2”.  I did make stupid comment about how much I could bench (witch is only 200) that may have come off cocky, I asked if she liked some of my favorite things and could have been to check-box-y. I also was too confident about knowing she would have me over. I don’t know if I was distant or relationship-y or she just didn’t have that spark, but even as I left, we were kissing and things seems good so I don’t know what went wrong.

Let me know what you think and what I should do.

First Time Unlucky

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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