• Archives
  • Submit A Dating Question
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Submit A Dating Question

The Power of Conversation

November 4, 2011 by Dr. NerdLove 10 Comments

I have a friend of mine, an attractive woman slightly younger than me, whom I have known almost literally all of our lives. She is very much in the mold of “the younger sister I never wanted”, and we’ve always been close. So as one of her surrogate older brothers, I have frequently been in the position to watch her various relationships come and go over the years. Much to her eternal surprise and wonderment, I could always, always predict which guy she was always going to end up dating, with 100% accuracy.

It wasn’t any particular psychic insight, nor was it a tendency to date a specific “type”.

No, her every relationship inevitably would start with the phrase “So we just had the most incredible conversation.”

You may look like Ryan Gosling with Brad Pitt’s smile, Ryan Reynold’s abs and Bill Gates’ paycheck. You may have insight in how to be more attractive  to women.

But if you can’t carry on a conversation with the women you meet, you’ll be going nowhere fast.

Looks, sex appeal and whatever social insights you may have learned will only get you so far with women. Even pick-up artists learn quickly that eventually you can’t rely on tricks or routines. You have to be able to carry on an interesting conversation with a woman, even women you’re meeting in bars or clubs. Conversation is part of how we find commonalities and build interest in one another. Our words and voices have power and influence. What we say – and how we say it – conveys as much about us, if not more, as our clothing and body language. If you look like a Greek God but your conversation is peppered with nervous stammers, verbal pauses like “Umm” and “Er…” and your eyes flick around to anywhere but on the person you’re talking to, that brief attraction is going to melt like a snowball in a Texas summer and she’ll be looking for any excuse she can find to get away from you.

"Oh God, he's still talking!"

Find Your REAL Voice.

Before worrying about the content, you need to make sure to master the instrument first. As odd as it is to hear – after all, you’ve been speaking for most of your life – you’re probably doing it wrong.

To start with, you need to learn to speak with the support of your diaphragm. If you’re like 99% of the population, then you’re doing most of your speaking with your upper lungs and nose, not your diaphragm. When you’re speaking from your upper chest, you’re not getting as much oxygen or projection as you would be from speaking from your diaphragm. To start learning how to speak from your diaphragm, first you have to find it. Lay flat on your back on the floor and inhale deeply – into your stomach, not into your chest. Put your hands over your stomach and let your stomach expand when you breathe. Feel where it pushes out against your hand. This is your diaphragm. Now make a short exhalation – a “huh” sound. Notice how your stomach tenses up when you speak? This is where you want to derive your voice from. It takes time and practice to learn to speak from the diaphragm, but once you’re aware of it, you can start learning how to use it.

Next, you want to find the natural pitch of your voice. Odds are you’re speaking higher than you normally would. The easiest way to find your natural pitch is to do what is known as the “Hum Test”. Close your lips and hum a continuous tone that feels natural to you. You’ll feel the difference if you’re either too high or too low. As you find your pitch, hum and then start counting – “One, two, three” at that pitch. You’ll notice that it’s actually easier on your vocal chords to speak at your natural pitch.

Eliminate Fillers From Your Speech

You may not be aware of it at first, but a lot of your speech is in the form of “um”, “er”, “ah”, “like” and other vocal placeholders while you speak. They’re verbal indicators that you’re trying to think of something to say and you’d like another minute or two while you try to put it together. They’re a natural part of conversation, but they can easily overwhelm what you’re trying to say and make you look like either you’re completely incoherent or that you couldn’t be bothered to think before you speak. They’re basically conversational speed bumps and they can make you look like like an idiot. There’s a reason why DJs and television personalities learn not to use them. The fewer vocal fillers you include in your speech, the more intelligent and confident you will sound. You need to learn to eliminate them from your natural flow of dialogue.

Instead of using these fillers, you need to learn to use pauses and silence instead. Silence, when used properly, can be incredibly powerful. Pauses and silence will make your speech flow smoothly and cause people to listen more intently. A pause in your speech will act as a vacuum; the person you’re talking to will want to fill in that sudden empty space and they’ll be more interested in what you’re about to say.

Use the voice memo feature on your phone or record your voice using your webcam’s mike and speak for 30 seconds about any object in your room. Just ramble off the top of your head… but you aren’t allowed to use “like,” “You know”, “Um” or other fillers. Any time you feel as though you’re going to use a filler, pause for a second instead. After you’re done, play back the recording and note how many times you said “Um” or “err”. It’ll almost certainly be more than you thought you did. Keep practicing with recording yourself and you’ll find that using silence as a filler instead of verbalizations will start feeling completely natural.

Related Posts

  • Dating For IntrovertsDating For Introverts
  • Is It Too Late To Save My Marriage?Is It Too Late To Save My Marriage?
  • Episode #147 — How To Talk To Anyone (At Any Time)Episode #147 — How To Talk To Anyone (At Any Time)
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove: When Do I Disclose My Mental Illness?Ask Dr. NerdLove: When Do I Disclose My Mental Illness?
  • Guest Post: I Was A 26-Year Old VirginGuest Post: I Was A 26-Year Old Virgin
  • Is It A Good Time To Get Back With My Ex?Is It A Good Time To Get Back With My Ex?
Share14
Tweet
Pin3
17 Shares
Pages: 1 2

Enjoy my work? Want to help support the site? Consider becoming a patron!



If you want dating advice you can take on the go, be sure to check out and if you enjoy them, please don't forget to give a review on Amazon and Goodreads.

And thanks, I can't do it without you.

Our Sponsors

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • Slowburn Appreciate the advice. I think the first one i've done as well, and it's been zero percent successful, so idk if i even want to try that. Second one sounds similar to what i'm doing atm. I think i...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 29, 2022

  • Belinda No, I meant he wanted some time and attention, but only when he wanted it, and then he wanted me to go away. This was a long time ago. I just have no interest in part-time sexual/romantic...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 27, 2022

  • fuzzilla Yeah, I agree. If they want tons of your time and energy and get pissed if you date someone else, yet still insist you're just oh so casual and chill? F*** that.

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 27, 2022

  • Belinda " rare to find a FWB situation where it's all good vibes, everyone is above board, everyone is having a good time, etc.)." I agree. As I said, I can do a hook up or two with someone. But not...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 27, 2022

  • fuzzilla I tried to replicate an FWB situation after I moved. Had a date with a guy who seemed cute and fun but kinda flaky. He turned out to be a total a**hole, though (all over me on the date but then was...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 27, 2022

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity meeting men Meeting Women mental health online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship drama relationship maintenance relationships self-confidence self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity youtube