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Her Eyes Are Up Here
Eye contact is incredibly important when you’re talking to women. It’s one of the most basic forms of communication; whether you meet somebody’s eyes – or not – and for how long will tell them volumes about you and how you feel about them. Eye contact can be a sign of flirting, a sign of aggression… or an indicator that you’re not paying any attention to what she’s saying. If you’re talking to somebody and your eyes are darting all around the room – your eyes are focused anywhere except meeting her gaze – all you’re telling her is that you couldn’t care less about what she’s saying or that you’re lying through your teeth. It may not be the case; you may be hanging on her every word, but you feel uncomfortable looking anyone in the eye, but she’s going to automatically assume that you’re not paying attention and be offended. Even if are shy, you are going to have to learn to make eye contact. If you have to, fake it; you can get away with looking at her eyebrow, the bridge of her nose or her lips while you learn to work on the eye contact.
You want to maintain eye contact without staring creepily or coming across as though you’re trying to hypnotize her with your gaze. In order to keep her from thinking you’re just staring, make sure to occasionally break contact deliberately. Track your eyes – slowly – to the left or the right for a second or two before returning your gaze to her eyes. Quick darting glances will make you seem nervous, while breaking contact to look down is a sign of submission… neither of which are traits that you want to be expressing.
Embrace Active Listening
Conversations are a balancing act; you don’t want to dominate the conversation – at that point you’re just lecturing, not talking. Similarly, you don’t want to just sit there passively, letting her do all the conversational work – you’ll seem bored, lost in your own little world or – worse – trying to imagine what your future 2.5 kids are going to look like. You need to be willing to do your part on both ends of the conversation.
For some people, this can lead to a moment of panic. What if you just run out of things to say?
This is actually one of the most frequently asked dating questions I receive from my nerd brethren, and I always have the same reply: if you run out of things to talk about, it’s a sign that you aren’t an active listener. There are two types of people in the world: people who actively listen and people who wait for their turn to talk. Active listening in a conversation means that you’re not just hearing what she’s saying; it means that you’re actually paying full attention to what she has to say instead of letting distractions flicker through your mind. Active listening means asking questions about what she’s saying and taking part in the topic rather than passively sitting there absorbing what she has to say like a conversational sponge. Everything she says is a potential springboard to a new topic of conversation if you’re actively listening.
And as an added bonus: being interested is interesting. Showing an active and intelligent curiosity in what her and what she says will, in turn, make you seem more attractive to her.
Enjoy The Silence
It’s a commonly held trope that in a properly balanced conversation there will be a lull every seven minutes. For many people these lulls are signs that things have gone wrong. They will get uncomfortable and fidget and cast about wildly for something – anything – to say to fill in the silence. A lull in the conversation is an indicator that she’s bored, right? You can’t let that quiet pause go on for too long, now think think thinkthinkthink!!
And because comfort is contagious and transitive, your discomfort will start to affect her and make her uncomfortable and fidgety… all but guaranteeing that you won’t be seeing her naked any time in the future.
So relax. Lulls in the conversation are natural and normal; they’re not a sign of boredom or an indicator of disinterest. You’ve just reached a point where neither of you have anything to say. Learn to anticipate them and embrace them… your comfort with the silence will affect her comfort as well and read as confidence. After all, a confident person isn’t uncomfortable with silence, just as he isn’t uncomfortable with holding deep and meaningful conversations with a beautiful woman.
Now obviously you don’t want the silence to continue for too long, otherwise you risk sending the signal that the conversation is over and it’s time for the two of you to go your separate ways. This is a time for more questions about the girl you’re talking to… and more interesting ones than the standard questions of “what do you do for a living, where did you grow up, what are your hobbies.” You can ask a silly question like “Who is your favorite Bond girl?” or “Which James Bond is the sexiest” or a deeper one like “What are you passionate about?” If you’re feeling flirty, this is a good time to ask questions that can playfully lead towards sexual topics like the craziest (or naughtiest, for that matter) thing that she has ever done; the idea is to keep things light and playful… you don’t want to suddenly bust out “So how do you like to be fucked?” unless her hand’s already down the front of your pants.
If you don’t have any questions in mind, look around you. Watch the crowds and remark on what you see. The world around you will offer any number of potential topics… as long as you don’t freak out.
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