Online dating can be a frustrating exercise, even as apps like Tinder and Bumble gain wider use. After all, you only have a few lines to make your killer first impression, so you need to put your best face forward immediately. But when you’re not making any matches, it can be hard to tell what’s going wrong. After all, you can’t exactly ask the people who reject you for a critique. How can you tune up your Tinder if you don’t get any feedback?
Well you may not be able to ask people who’ve swiped left, but you can get some help here. I’ve invited several readers who wanted help with their Tinder profiles to offer up their profiles for a critique session with a round-table of users who date men like them. Our Tinder critics have graciously offered to help explain where things are going wrong and how they could improve things.
It may not be fun, but sometimes you need that trial by fire to come out tempered and ready to go on the other side.
Allow me to introduce our critics:
Alexa Ray:Writer and Content Strategist, female (she/her)
Eden: Programmer & Artist, non-binary (they/them), 25
Mel: Writer/Programmer, female (she/her), 40
Sarah: Game Production, female, (she/her), 30
Alright folks, the floor is yours!
Tinder Profile #1: T, 28
Alexa:
I feel like he’s so bland he just…doesn’t stand out. His photos are boring, his bio is boring. Swipe left. He doesn’t sell the swipe right at all.
If you’re going to tell us that the kids aren’t yours, why post blurry/not great photos with them? Like I’d get it if they were very good pics but…
Sarah:
Yeah I agree. “Not my kid” I guess is to show you are good with kids, but does any of that turn you guys on?
Eden:
I mean yea, I want kids. But like.. not from a tinder hookup. Maybe a hookup will turn into something, but I don’t think about that right away.
Sarah:
I see it as using kids for props. I say don’t take pictures with kids then post them on a hookup app. If you’re serious about kids, talk about that later on in the relationship.
Eden:
Yuuuup.
Alexa Ray:
I just think the kid photos are wholly unnecessary. Children and photos are used at bait constantly. But if those kid photos are blurry, you’re not even baiting correctly. Also, posting blurry photos tells me that you are sloppy -you didn’t bother to find better photos or even take new ones. Your profile is a hack job, so why would I think you’re also anything other than sloppy?
Eden:
Yea honestly I’d be surprised if this dude even ended up asking to hang out after a convo.
Alexa Ray:
Additionally, all his photos are at unflattering angles. Again, sloppy presentation. And if you don’t put effort into presenting yourself I wouldn’t think you’d put effort into a relationship. All the photos are blurry and he’s making a weird face. He couldn’t snap a few new selfies for Tinder? I mean…
Eden
With this little amount of effort…
Sarah:
Agreed
Mel:
Agreed on kid prop syndrome. If he just hangs out with his family/babysits a lot, that’s cool, but these pics don’t really convey that, just sort of a “I didn’t make this baby cry, that means I’m a nice guy” vibe.
Sarah:
Hahhah!!
Alexa Ray:
Ha!
Eden:
OMG
Mel:
Also not sure why he spent 40% of his profile space listing places he’s lived. I started skimming past his address resume and then suddenly it was over.
Tinder Profile #2 – C, 31
Sarah:
Ok, how about C?
I think he has the strongest profile. He shows his hobbies and personality in his photos and wit in his bio. He shows his hobbies, his bio is clever, he does the right angle and shows his whole body. Right angle meaning straight on shots, as opposed to the low angle, domineering ones.
Alexa:
I would swipe right on C. Interesting bio, cute pics. I love fancy words. Also he isn’t inflating himself or too humble. Also his pic is WITH a dog and not OF a dog. I hate it when dudes include just photos of a random dog. Without them in it. Half the time the dog isn’t even theirs when I ask.
Eden:
Yeah, his photos are pretty good! But I get uncomfortable every time that someone feels the need to assert the fact that they’re weird. Does that mean you’re going to try to be weird, or are you just self-conscious and insecure?
Mel:
I have to say, this approach largely works for me. He likes animals. He hangs out with his family. He quotes eclectic web animation. The use of clunky alliteration implies he doesn’t take himself terribly seriously.
Eden:
He’s super attractive but I would honestly swipe left for the quirky remark. It’s literally just that one line for me, otherwise I would be into it.
Mel:
That said, the only parts that made me Eyebrow were, as Eden said, “I’M QUIRKY! WITNESS ME!” And also the random “George Michael circa ‘Faith’ cosplay” photos in the lower right.
(Doctor’s Note: I would’ve said “Tom of Mos Eisley”, personally…)
I’m sure there’s a story there, but it, like the previous statement, feels somehow forced and thereby somewhat off-putting.
Alexa Ray:
Yeah if you have to say you’re weird or quirky, you’re usually not. It means you probably put people off and want to blame them for it.
Sarah:
The only thing that turns me off is the poly thing.
Eden:
Why? I’m poly so I can’t really speak to being against it.
Alexa Ray:
I’m with Sarah, actually. Nothing against the lifestyle–it’s just not for me. I’m not poly, but am not interested in dating someone who has other partners.
Sarah:
This is part personal preference, but I also see it as something that should be discussed with a partner once you’ve gotten involved in a relationship.
Mel:
I’m with Eden: I can understand it being a deal breaker for those who aren’t into it, but because of that I think it’s great that he has it right out front. No wasted time or impressions of “hiding something”.
Sarah:
To me putting poly in the profile could read as the cool hip way to say he’d prefer to date around.
Alexa Ray:
I actually appreciate that C is up front about it. Doesn’t waste my time.
Eden:
That is the case for some dudes but I don’t see a better way than being upfront
Sarah:
Is he single? Or does he already have a partner?
Alexa Ray:
But the “I’m nerdy and quirky” thing does give me a bit of a pause. He has photos alluding to Star Wars and Dragon Ball, I totally get it. But you should show and not tell. Telling kinda implies you’re fetishizing nerdy activities.
Eden:
Yuuuup. I’ve learned this lesson. I’ve been blogging about Tinder, so this has come up recently.????
Sarah:
He doesn’t state that he’s not already involved with other women. That’s something I think you need to be upfront with if you’re poly.
Eden:
Yea that part should be clear if you’re saying you’re poly.
Alexa Ray:
Agreed. What are all those letters on his profile though. A personality test, and…what is GGG?
Mel:
“Good game, guys” as far as I know… fps video game joke
Sarah:
Good giving and game; good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything, within reason.
Eden:
He’s trying to say he eats pussy.
Alexa Ray:
OH!
Mel:
That’s a new one to me, thanks!! ????
Eden:
Sorry that’s reductive but that’s what it’s boiled down to in my experience…
Sarah:
I mean, that’s great. But… it sounds a little braggy.
Alexa Ray:
Yeah.
Sarah:
It’s like when women put in their profiles, “I’m very sensual.” Like… you’re more sexual than the rest of the population because that’s all you can offer.
Alexa Ray:
If you have to say it…in my experience you’re not.
Mel:
Yeah, I thought it was just throwing out smartass acronyms, like omgwtfbbq.
Eden:
Yeah, pro tip: don’t post Friendster memes.
Mel:
That context dropped my interest by about 50 points.
Alexa Ray:
For real.
Tinder Profile #3: C2, 32
How about the next guy? C_2. He says he’s in an “open LDR”. So, a long-distance relationship.
Sarah:
That’s a the biggest red flag for me: open LDR.
Alexa Ray:
YUP. Me too.
Eden:
Personally, I’m super fine with that. I’d ask him immediately what the terms are though.
Sarah:
But that tells me you were forced into an open relationship purely because of logistics.
Eden:
Or you chose to because rationally it made sense.
Alexa Ray:
Exactly Sarah. And maybe I’m just too wary but, like, does his partner also agree its open?
Eden:
He could be but like, that’s totally a fair thing to ask. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that someone is shitty because they aren’t monogamous.
Alexa Ray:
I don’t think he’s shitty; it’s just not for me. That sort of thing is a personal “no thanks”.
Sarah:
Also, he doesn’t want anything serious. To me, that usually means he’s emotionally unavailable.
Eden:
I understand that people aren’t usually looking to find their next soulmate on Tinder. But, when people preface with “not looking for anything serious”, I generally assume they will lack any sense of emotional responsibility and I don’t want to get involved. That part is the red flag to me. The poly part no, but that line is always a deal breaker
Sarah:
He doesn’t even say he wants friends, does he?
Alexa Ray:
He does not.
Eden:
Ok sorry for taking it personally Alexa.
Sarah:
He doesn’t say he’s poly. He says he’s in an open relationship. Those take out the -amory part from my experience.
Eden:
To me that implies a degree of poly. Maybe one that involves a lot of shitty communication though.
Alexa Ray:
His profile is unclear, which is a problem. But also all of his photos are incredibly unflattering. Is his lip broken in the first one?
Eden:
I think he’s albino person of African descent and there’s a tinder UI thing on his lip in that photo
Sarah:
That’s the dot from the app.
Eden:
That first photo is amazing to me, honestly.
Sarah:
First pic is a no for me. He’s not smiling and it looks like a school ID photo. Don’t use ID photos in dating profiles!!
Eden:
Based on lighting, it looks like an art photo to me, LOL.
Sarah:
Hmm. Hard to tell. I’d say his profile comes across as if he’s looking for an easy in for sex. Maybe some friendship, but other than that, he doesn’t offer up much.
Oh and lying down pictures are never good. You look squished.
Eden:
Yea totally! But just looking for sex and friendship isn’t the worst, if you’re honest about it.
Sarah:
No… it’s just hard to put that in your profile. I’m actually not sure how you should do it.
Alexa Ray:
I’m actually with Sarah here. Also he too is suffering from sloppy photo choices. And the mechanical/magic parts sentences are kinda….weird? Off?
Like ok you have mechanical parts, but the witch doctor joke falls flat and maybe it’s just me but…
(Doctor’s Note: In sub-Saharan Africa, particularly Tanzania and Malawai, people with albinism are frequently murdered and dismembered because of local prejudices and superstitious beliefs that their body parts have value in totems and spells.)
Sarah:
Yeah that joke was pretty morbid.
Eden:
Yeah, I’m really not a fan.
Tinder Profile #4: G, 23
Sarah:
Ok how about G?
Sarah:
This is the blandest profile for me.
Alexa Ray:
So bland and boring. Also his photos are all very same-y. I don’t get a good sense of who he might be.
Eden:
He needs one photo that isn’t in yellow lighting. JUST ONE.
Sarah:
I get what he’s doing to work on his education, but beyond that, there isn’t much personality. Also: comfortable silences = awkward. I gather from his profile that he has a hard time making friends due to his shyness…
Alexa Ray:
Yeah. The latter half of the profile whispers “uphill battle to conversation.”
Sarah:
Shy quiet type does it for some, but not for me. I need someone who can handle my jabber jaw.
Alexa Ray:
HAHAHAH, same!
Sarah:
That’s all I have to say about G. Sorry, dude.
Tinder Profile #5: J, 27
Sarah:
And now there’s J…
Eden:
Why does he have the SAME pic twice but zoomed in once?
Alexa Ray:
J looks like the kind of guy who won’t pay for your drink and then ram his tongue down your throat first kiss.
Eden:
And then explain Destiny to you.
Sarah:
I think it’s interesting that he’s done some modeling work. It’s obviously an old picture though, since he doesn’t have the beard. And I’m no beard-grower, but I’d imagine a beard of that length takes a few years to grow
Eden:
Is that him or a band he likes?
Alexa Ray:
If you tell me you’re a “staunch feminist”, then I bet you’re not. I love me a good fake feminist.
Eden:
As much as I would love to meet someone who actually meets the definition of these terms, if I see “sapiosexual” or “feminist” in someones bio, I immediately swipe left…
Alexa Ray
In my opinion guys put “feminist” in their bio like it’s some magical spell that will unlock a woman’s attention. Like they throw it around and then you get to the date and they are absolutely not a feminist.
Sarah:
He sounds like he has a superiority complex, believes himself to be a revolutionary intellectual of some sort.
Eden:
Yea that type of stuff like feminism and gender politics (aside from identity) is almost always best left to when you get into a conversation with someone. Because even if you aren’t a fake feminist, it’s so hard to put that in a summary.
Alexa Ray:
Do men even know what feminist means? It doesn’t just mean “I like women” and I feel like many of these guys on Tinder don’t actually know what feminism is.
Sarah:
I don’t think putting feminist in your bio automatically means you’re just trying to get some poontang…
Alexa Ray:
Sorry I’m a bit more jaded….I have been burned, burned, burned.
Eden:
We all have.
Sarah:
Yeah I’d just like to say hey, he’s a furry. It would be nice for other furries to see that.
Mel:
The first eight sentences made me physically try to embed myself backwards in my chair, and he’s actually describing all things I am actually into…
I’m trying to figure out how he managed to take a list of my favorite things and make them feel like they were dipped in cold, leftover cooking oil. Then I got to the next two paragraphs and now I can’t figure out if he’s legit looking for abuse because that’s his thing, or if he’s just trying to be “Edgier Than Thou” funny and it’s falling flat.
He’s got the CORE of something good in there, but he’s managed to make it creepy in ways I don’t even understand but viscerally react to (negatively). I’m gonna have to think on him and circle back once I put my finger on why.
Eden:
I felt the same way, and honestly I feel like he’s the type of dude that would read that I’m interested in X, and then spend a hella long time challenging me on it in a patronizing non-interesting way. The type of dude I’d mute on Twitter, even if they seem like an interesting person at first.
Sarah:
Ok also the micropenis comment… I don’t know what to do with that. Should I laugh? Should I comment?
Alexa Ray:
Hoooooo boy
Eden:
Yea, it’s stupid
Alexa Ray:
His jokes are very stupid and very awkward, and a bit offensive really.
Sarah:
He seems abrasive, egotistical, and combative.
Eden:
I have seen too many micropenis jokes, honestly.
Sarah:
Self depreciation is good, but when it gets uncomfortable, it gets uncomfortable.
Eden:
Who turned micropenises into a joke, and also why the fuck are we talking about the size of your dick either way? That’s too early.
Alexa Ray:
Yeah I mean….is he is saying that upfront he either has one or thinks he has one?
Sarah:
Is it a thing to say in dating profiles?? Are we supposed to be all giving him the opportunity to say “Like lol no it’s actually huge”?
Eden:
I mean if someone with a vagina was like “I have the tightest vagina and the MOST sensitive clitoris”, that would be a very weird tinder profile.
Sarah:
Wait we’re not supposed to open with that?
Alexa Ray
Also J used “weeabo” and also felt the need to explain what anime is in his bio. Goodbye. Any woman who is actually into anime looked at that and went NOPE BYE. I also hate that he uses speaking another language as a commodity. Like he’s fetishizing not just an art form but an entire culture. It bothers me.
Eden
YUUUUUP.
Sarah
Ok side bar. You cannot learn Japanese from anime. It’s like saying you learned English from SpongeBob.
Eden
LOL
Alexa Ray
No you cannot. As someone who speaks it, no you cannot.
Sarah
I’ll test his Japanese. I speak it
Eden
I feel like me doing one page in a grammar exercise book when I was bored taught me more Japanese than anime could
Sarah
People speak a certain way in anime. It’s not natural, just like cartoon characters don’t speak naturally in English.
Mel
“Sumimasen, watashi-wa baka gaijin-desu.”
Alexa Ray
HAHAHA
Eden
What does that mean?
Alexa Ray
“Sorry, I’m a stupid foreigner”. Gaijin is like, calling someone a cracker.
Eden
LOL, thank you Alexa
Mel
I finally figured out what was greasy feeling about his profile even though he was listing interests in common. It felt less like he was sharing things he enjoyed and more like he was challenging me to a duel over them. “You think you enjoy these things? I’m going to subtly neg you and demand you justify yourself. Test me, fight me, win me!” HELL. NO.
Sarah:
Now the 71 genders thing… do you sense a mocking tone there?
Eden:
YUP:
Alexa Ray:
YUPPPP, very mocking.
Eden:
I’m non-binary and when I see stuff like this, I feel patronized, and like I’m just gonna have to fight about my identity with them.
Sarah:
One of the biggest turn offs for feminists: mocking gender identity. I feel like he’s going to mansplain gender.
Eden:
The other day I slept with a dude who told me afterwards that he was genderless, and that he was “glad he could provide a lesbian experience”. After I was explaining something that was legit hard for me to talk about.
Sarah:
Uh…
Alexa Ray:
Wow.
Eden:
He like, interrupted, with that…
Sarah:
Noooo! Abort abort!
Alexa Ray:
Bye Felicia!
Doc:
Alright, final thoughts, everyone?
Sarah
I guess the biggest sticky points for me are 1) make your profile unique, b) show your hobbies, c) smile in photos
Alexa Ray
Also make an effort with your photos. No blur, no tricks. T and C2 both picked VERY unflattering photos of themselves. I hate to be superficial like that but, hey. It’s Tinder.
Eden:
Yea! Also: get a bud to read your bios!!!
Sarah:
That’s good advice.
Alexa Ray:
It is! You should be comfortable enough with your profile that you won’t be embarrassed if people you know come across it in the wild.
Thanks to my readers for sending in their profiles; hope this helps you fine-tune your Tinder game. And a special thanks to Alexa Ray, Eden, Mel and Sarah for taking part.
This Friday, we’re going to have a special guest. Johannes Cabal, Necromancer will be taking over the column for Ask The Necromancer. It’s an awesome time, so be sure to check it out.
And as a bonus for my Patrons: On Wednesday, we’ll have a bonus column, specifically for everyone who’s pledged at the $5 level and above, critiquing some examples of a Tinder conversation from the round table. What to say and – just as importantly – what not to say.
See you then!