Twilight and Relationships

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I wasn’t planning on doing a Learn From This about Twilight or even mention Twilight it’s message about relationships. To me, it felt a little too much like beating up a special-needs kid.

Obviously things have changed.

I had been planning to ignore the release of the penultimate movie in the fiction series that JUST! WOULDN’T! DIE1 !! but evidently a number of my readers are planning on seeing it – either against their will2 or with the benefit of some… shall we say chemical enhancement and they have all written in to insist that I write about the damned thing3. And since evidently I am nothing if not a sucker for constant nagging…

Well you win you bastards. Fine. Let’s do this and get it over with4

Twilight is, without a doubt, one of the largest festering cancers inflicted upon the literate -and movie-going – world today.

We’ll ignore the sub-par writing, the fact that Bella is a blatant Mary Sue stand-in for Stephanie Meyer or the fact that it means that Kristen Stewart continues to be convinced that acting consists of “bite your lip” and “dull surprise”.


I shall heroically restrain from pointing out that calling the plot “thin” is an insult to paper and the characters one-dimensional is an insult to spatial relations. I will even not point out the critical research failures that reach almost Dan Brown levels.

Instead, let’s focus on the meat5 of the matter: the relationships and just why this is forming a malignant tumor that will – unfortunately – shape people’s expectations of relationships and how women are supposed to relate to men for years to come.

You’re Nothing Without A Man

Bella’s existence is literally defined by her relationship to men. She’s something to be fought over, angsted over and passed around like a kit-bashed hash pipe at a Phish concert. All of her relationships are entirely dependent on the men in her life, whether father, boyfriend or the platonic-friend-whose-emotions-you’re-not-above-using-to-your-own-ends. Her home town? All about her dad. Her friends? All of them are entirely based on her relationship with two guys.

Quick: Name something that Bella is interested in that isn’t guys. A dream for the future. What she wants to be when she grows up. A freaking hobby.

Wait, motorcycle repair, right? No, that was all about Jacob and Edward. Um… travel? No, same story. Books? Nope: the only books she ever talks about are tied into her lurve for Edward. Movies? Nope.

Future goals? All about her man. No interest in college. No real interest in a career or life outside her relationship.

Oh, and an incredibly violent and painful death. But we’ll get back to that in a moment.

So hey, let’s get to the fact that Bella hates herself. Her entire self-esteem is entirely dependent on her status as “girlfriend”. In fact, when Bella thinks she’s been dumped she has the emotional equivalent of the Blue Screen of Death to the point of becoming suicidal. Over a relationship that is less than a year old. Prior to falling in love with Edward, she sees herself as unattractive, unpopular (despite all evidence to the contrary) and all-around useless at anything except taking care of her dad. Her self-description consists of mousy-brown hair and her klutziness. It’s only until Edward shows interest in her that she starts to feel the subtle stirrings of value.

To Bella – and the young girls reading this – this is the thrill of a man seeing past your unattractive exterior and finding your true self… a man so perceptive that he could find your good points that even you didn’t know you had. To a more jaded eye it’s someone putting the locus of their self-worth entirely in the hands of someone else.

Oh, and did I mention that this is one of the classic ways of controlling women in an abusive relationship? The perceived difference in their standing (Edward is perfect, Bella is lower than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut) gives him leverage over her; he’s so out of her league that she’s lucky he pays attention to her at all… so she needs to accede to him in all things. Keep this in mind too, there will be a quiz later.

There’s Absolutely NOTHING Creepy About Grown Men Wanting To Date 16 Year Olds

This is one of the things that tends to get glossed over as women gush about the dashing Mssr. Cullen is that he’s a grown man who spends most of his time hanging around a schoolyard. A senior citizen, even. By all rights his AARP membership kicked in well over 50 years ago. And he’s interested in a girl who is literally a 1/13th his age. To drive this point home: it’s about the same ratio as a 75 year old man wanting to date a 9 year old.

Pedo Bear Approved!

That’s not a May-December romance, that’s a Mayfly-December romance. But hey, as long as he looks 17, it’s all good, right?

No, not really. Just because his body quit aging, that doesn’t mean his mind didn’t. Time and experience are part of what makes for maturity, not just your physical age. Edward has had over 100 years of life and experience over Bella. Up until the day they met, her life’s biggest moments involved moving to the ass-end of nowhere. His incorporates 6 separate wars, the Great Depression, the Civil Rights movement, the Cold War, Kent State, the Days of Rage, the House Un-American Activities, the Lindbergh kidnapping, the assassination of a president, the Attorney General and two civil rights leaders in the same year, the Bay of Pigs invasion and one of the worst pandemics in modern history.

What, exactly, are they going to have to talk about? Her complete misunderstanding of Shakespeare and classic Victorian literature? Her algebra homework?

If you really think about it, it's about like this. And good luck getting this out of your head.

Evidently this is a thing for Mrs. Meyer considering that one character falls in love with a two year old and another falls in love with a newborn. And somehow… nobody has a problem with this.

(We’ll ignore that the readers are expected to believe that in the 100+ years since he’d been turned, Edward has never ever had sex. Or a blowjob. Or apparently even masturbated.)

  1. See what I did there? []
  2. suuuuure []
  3. So hard not to use “bloody” instead. I hope you appreciate my restraint []
  4. That’s what she said… []
  5. Look, jokes are just about the only way I’m getting through this, ok? []

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