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Most of you aren’t social enough.
Sorry. Didn’t really want to drop it on you cold, but there really isn’t any gentle way to go about it. I know that a number of you have been trying the exercises that I recommended for making talking to women a part of your daily lives, but there are far too many among you who linger in the fringes of a social gathering, hoping that there will be a chance to get the woman you like alone.
And let’s not talk about those of you who go to parties or bars and spend all of your time quietly nursing a drink, feeling awkward about the fact that you know barely anybody there. Because I know there are plenty of you too, little bundles of social awkwardness wishing that you were anywhere else and desperately hoping for someone you know to show up and rescue from this convivial hell.
Of course, there’s always the other solution. You could always start getting to know the people around you.
Look, cold hard truth time. You can’t just stick to talking to people you know or to the limited areas where you feel comfortable. You will have to make small-talk with strangers, whether it’s your girlfriend’s family or your fellow cubicle farmers at work. You don’t need to be the life of the party, but you do need to learn how to make small talk. Let’s be honest: whether you’re at a party, at a bar or killing time in line waiting for the show to start, nobody wants to talk to Johnny O’Sullen glowering by himself in the corner. They all much prefer the friendly, charming guy who seems to be genuinely interested in getting to know people.
So it’s time to start learning how to talk to anyone.
Don’t Sweat The Opening
Much as with approaching a woman for the first time, you don’t need a pre-set excuse to talk to somebody. All you really need to do is just start flapping your lips. You have any number of openings. You can be observational and take your cues from the environment around you; someone did something crazy, a waitress spilled a drink, the game’s on the TV. You can go old-school and just introduce yourself. You can – politely – insert yourself into an ongoing conversation, provided you have something relevant to say. You can even just start talking and wait for them to react.
"Hey did you guys see the fight outside? That's how you know it's a good party!"
Consider the context of your location; are you at a party? You have no reason not to go up and introduce yourself; parties are social gatherings. Are you at a bar? Ask someone for an opinion or comment on what’s happening on TV. In an elevator? Sitting on a ski lift? Ask them how their day’s going. You have any number of social questions that can lead to a quick conversation.
The important part, though, is that you need to take the initiative. Sitting around waiting for someone else to do the heavy conversational lifting for you is how you end up sitting in a corner feeling sorry for yourself and wishing you were somewhere else while the people around you are having a good time.
Interested Is Interesting
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: we instinctively like people who show interest in us. We appreciate that someone is taking the time to get to know us, to find out what we think. It’s a quick and dirty way of getting on somebody’s good side and making them more likely to want to keep talking to you.
In practice, this means that you want to ask questions. Now while I normally advise people to avoid the Common First Date Questions, but this isn’t a date; this is small talk. Asking someone what they do is a good way to get a conversation flowing. Take time to find out what they find interesting and what makes them tick. Everybody has a story and they can catch you by surprise. I met one couple in a bar in London who looked to be the stereotypical “ugly American”, complete with a cartoon-sized cowboy hat and a girlfriend who apparently had been taking fashion tips from J-Wow. Over the course of a couple of bourbons, it was revealed that he was as a former miner and land manager who was taking a tour of Europe with his girlfriend… because they had literally struck gold. Another guy I met in a bar where I was killing time used to scuba dive until he damaged his eardrums. Which he did because he found goddamn pirate treasure and surfaced too quickly. Had photos of the wreck and everything. Another guy turned out to be a male escort… who specialized in clients attracted to clowns.1
The point is: you never know what you might find out about someone until you stop and ask some questions.
Don’t Make It All About You
By the same token, you don’t your conversations to be all about you. Nobody likes the guy who makes a point of turning every conversation into another chance to go on about something he likes. Similarly, you don’t want to leap into somebody else’s conversation and try to take it over or turn it to a subject you’d prefer.
Everybody has someone in their social circle who does this. You don’t want to be that guy.
Keep It Light
There’s something disconcerting with a stranger trying to engage you in the sort of incredibly deep conversation that stoned college students have late at night in their dorm rooms. I remember one guy at a bar during karaoke night who wanted to talk about the Matrix and how can we prove that we’re not just programs living out somebody else’s pre-programed fantasy, maaaaan?
Of course, me being the smart-ass that I am, I think I kind of blew his mind when I started trying to explain the plot of TRON to him as something deadly serious and utterly real… but still, that’s a hell of a thing to start off with.
Look, this is small talk. You don’t want to get too deep right from the word “go”; trying to discuss the subjective nature of reality with strangers is best reserved for after a couple bong hits instead of making conversation with the guy sitting next to you on your flight to Dallas. Keep things to a superficial level – jobs, women, money, sports, movies, television – unless they make the leap first. At which point, go right ahead, feel free to discuss Western philosophers versus the Buddha, favorite sexual positions, that crazy thing your ex-girlfriend did that made your eyes roll back in your head and caused you to make “Mnyaaaa hah hahaaa” sounds like Moe Howard.
"No, y'see, I think Kierkegaard got it entirely wrong when he postulated that existence precedes essence. And did I mention that existentialism makes me incredibly horny?"
Just realize that you may have opened yourself up to some really awkward propositions or offers of drugs later.
- In fairness, he was in clown make-up at the time… but then again, this is in Austin. What’s weird to everyone else is Tuesday to us. [↩]
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This really made me want to be the sort of weird person you meet in bars rather than someone who talks to those people. Success…?
Another reason you need to get to know people around you if you wanna date is that the majority of people still meet boyfriends/girlfriends through friends. I met all my boyfriends and dates through friends (with only one exception, and even that was through talking to random people in a bar), all my friends met their boyfriends through mutual friends, ect. Even one night stands tend to be acquaintances on the outside of people's social circles. It's a good way to meet girls because you're sort of 'vouched for' by your mutual friends- you're less of an unknown quantity. And a lot of people look at the way you treat people you don't want to fuck as indicators of your true self.
Besides, talking to people in bars is fun. You meet all sorts of interesting people in bars.
That second caption is absolutely hilarious.
Touche Doctor. Although guys liking boobs (assuming we are talking about straight men)? I'm not sure that's a stereotype, just fact.
Aw, I am totally that person who likes to immediately "get deep." One, it's because that's when I enjoy myself and am most at ease, but more importantly… I am BORING with small talk. I can do it, but I have the personality of White Bread when I do. I can never think of follow-up things to say, so I just nod and smile and say "Interesting!" and "Nice." I am so completely lame, which makes people not want to continue getting to know me so we can talk about the deep stuff that turns me into an interesting personality.
Going deep can be risky, as in, chances are you're losing your conversation partner after the first sentence, but it can be so much more fun!
Another thing: While I was unemployed I found the "what do you do" type of questions first rather unpleasant, and later just boring. So I did a variation on the theme, and it worked out marvellously: "What do you like to do?"
I always find my best conversations with strangers occur when I feel like I have a reason for talking to people. Say, if I’m a member of a group who organized an event, then I feel I’m responsible for getting feedback from as many people as possible – then I have natural standard questions to ask that don’t seem intrusive
People who are friendly and out-going to everyone are fun to be around. People who are usually sullen but suddenly morph into friendliness elementals around potential dates are creepy.
Also, part of being a friendly person is respecting other people's boundaries. If the other person doesn't feel like chatting–leave them alone and don't make a big deal out of it.
Personally, I often keep wondering why do I *have* to start a conversation and not the others. True, when you get into a group of people where you are the "new guy", they are obviously going to just ignore you and just keep talking amongst themselfs, making no effort at all to help you get into the conversation (which is why I usually say the following when people invite me for something: "How many people are going? Who are they? I'm really not comfortable about hanging out with too many people I don't know") .
I know this really bad behaviour and that oftentimes will just lead me into isolation, but like I said, I often wonder "Why should I bother trying to talk with them if THEY aren't willing to start a conversation as well?". I don'
Really, when I notice that someone isn't really interested, I just pick a book or something and ignore them. Don't want to be the only guy doing any "effort", neither force others into doing something they aren't interested.
One part of my post got cut.
"I don't like the pressure of making the first move to stay entirely on my shoulders, but almost every time this seems to be the case. "
I can relate. Definitely think it should be more reciprocal when you chat up strangers, but it rarely works that way. I always fall back on reading, but it has probably cost me opportunities to meet some of the amazing people that are out there.
I would consider monitoring your body language, next time you are in a social situation.
People are either available or closed off, when it comes to body language. When you are available, the social cost for other people to talk to you is less expensive than when you are closed off.
Most introverts naturally revert back to closed off body language, even when we are emotionally available. You may have a desire to converse with people, but your body tells them you are not interested at all. You aren't even aware you are broadcasting that signal!
To be honest, I'm pretty often with a sorta pissed off / bored / depressed look on my face (because I'm often either pissed off, bored or depressed. Or all three at the same time) and I understand that at those times people won't want to talk with me. Some other times I am indeed closed and locked out of any conversation, those times I put on headphones or read something.
I also know that I'm a bit too judgemental and very quick to dismiss people as complete retards and lose any interest to interact with them at all (that's my stance towards almost everyone on my college class, for example). If someone starts a conversation with me and right away asks about my soccer team. said person is very likely to be forever placed in my retard list,.
But, there has also been plenty of situations that I indeed wanted to talk with someone, heck, even did try getting into a conversation, but way more often than not I'm just ignored or receive basic replies out of politeness and then the person goes back to talking with whoever else was around. This often happens when I go to anime conventions with random groups, we talk a little bit then everyone starts talking with their own friends (including me) and I never even see those people again, even those I genuinely wanted to.
Well, at least there's the internet.
seriously this is why I've stopped talking to people. I'm tired of trying to have a conversation when they won't invest back and are just wasting me time. you can all come talk to ME now.
I'm pretty fine being alone though. I'm too lazy to talk to people haha.
Isn't there some sort of unwritten social contract in many public places that says that you're not to talk to people unless you have a really good reason to? I've always felt that way. The people who break the trend are often homeless or a bit mentally unbalanced.
At least, it's the case in big cities.
It depends on the setting. I was in the cafeteria the other day and was walking by a group of kids talking about guys with long hair. As I happen to be one, I (in a very obviously joking tone) said "what's wrong with pony tails?" They laughed and it was a moment I could've joined in the conversation, except I didn't have the free time.
Sometimes I have a hard time following the flow of conversation to be able to speak at all. If two people are talking to each other, they are naturally filling each other's pauses, leaving no pause for me to speak. And even if I do figure out how to insert myself into the conversation, sometimes I'm told things like "This is an A and B conversation, C your way out of it." Why are you having the conversation in public then? And these are people I know, who attend the same events that I do, and are part of the same group, at that group's events.
So there's still things I don't understand about conversation skills in a crowd, but I don't think the "never bother anyone, ever" is really a thing, I think that's social anxiety trying to justify itself.
Sometimes people are busy, or are in their little world and not interested in chatting. Sometimes they are just not in the mood to chat. I have times when people try to start conversations with me and I am completely uninterested in talking to them. It happens. Taking a split second to read body language before initiating will help.
If a person seems closed off, the question becomes, should you take the risk to interrupt their internal dialogue? I think you are free to, most of the time. The worst that could happen is you say "Hello, …" and they politely reply with a quick "Hi" then go back to being closed off. At that point you definitely want to leave them be. I found that most of the time, I'll at least have a quick conversation with the person.
That's pretty much me but, one shouldn't take offense to it. Between my work life and home life, I'm constantly having to interact with people. Hence, the only personal time I have is when I commute (which is via train). So, I put on my ear buds generally to imply that I'm not looking to socialize and I generally steer clear of everyone. Heck, I won't even take a seat on the train unless the whole row is clear….just so I can avoid any possibility of contact.
If someone needs help or directions then I won't turn them away. However, I try to leave enough of a vibe for them to seek that elsewhere.
I know that it sounds antisocial but that's not my intention. I just don't need any additional social interaction (read: complications) in my life than I already have!
Especially at my age, 18, all the parties I go to revolve around drugs and alcohol. If you're not fershnickered, you shouldn't be there. When you do try to insert yourself into a conversation, it's about either: dumb shit, doing dumb shit, and/or drugs and alcohol. Guess there's nothing wrong with that (until they regret it) but I abide by a philosophy of clear and clean mind. If I'm not 100% in control then I don't think I'm 100% living. So on that same token, it's hard to talk sober to a drunk. Not all the time, except when it is all the time. Though to be fair, I go to one of the biggest public high schools in my state and the only kind of kids that have parties are the frat boy type, and I take the highest courses I can right now. Mostly, I happily hang out with longtime friends and talk as ideologically and intelligibly as I want to. So what would you suggest in such a situation where you want to talk to more than just drug users and alcohol abusers? My only solution so far has been to leave.
oh man I relate. ugh I hate people like that I don't even care. It's hard because EVERYONE is like that now and it just makes me hate everyone..haha I swear the only thing anyone ever cares about is doing drugs, drinking and getting laid and I'm like YEAH WHATEVER.
I know the typical answer is to find people who aren't into that lifestyle but fuck it's hard.
The article mentions elevators as a place to practice this sort of thing. My experience is that they're pretty terrible for anything other than the most banal conversation topics: anything else seems to be too much for most people. Definitely a place where I'm more willing to let the other person start a conversation if they're sufficiently bored.
Great pointers for anyone! As a formerly suuuper shy nerdy girl (now merely shy nerdish/geekish woman), so much of this reminded me of my old ways (and old ways were up until as recent as a year or two ago in some cases).
One exercise that's worked great for me for talking to strangers: Your grocery clerk. They're working, and you have a line behind you, so there's a perfect reason for you to keep things brief and friendly. The clerk will appreciate someone being friendly, and you'll feel good that you talked to someone.
Start in steps. Smile and say hi when they greet you. Once you've gotten comfortable with doing that, offer a friendly, "So how is your day going?" Even if they lie through their teeth and say wonderful, they'll feel good that someone asked. As your comfort with quick chats grows, and you find yourself with no one behind you, break out one or two small talk questions. Just don't drag it out longer than it takes for your groceries to be bagged. Once you get your receipt, smile, bid them good day, and off you go on your merry way.
Doing this over the last couple years has worked wonders for my confidence with talking to strangers. I'm not quite to "chat up those guys in the bar" confident, but I'm also not hiding in the corner desperately looking for someone I know.
It sounds incredibly rude to butt in on people like that! And the topics all sound so utterly boring– the advice is basically to talk to people who don't want to talk to me about subjects neither of us would like to talk about?
I find to my surprise that I'm actually, physically, cringing at the very thought.
I'll share another quip too. I often hang out in café's or bars because I have an easier time writing. This on itself can already lead to great conversations (and not much writing.. or an exchange like "You write!" – "Yeah.." – "I read!" – "Okay..").
But it also offers you a tool to break into a conversation and become part of it: Scribble something down and hold it up for them to see – with a friendly smile, and off you go!