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“You know, I’m kind of a big deal…”
Nerds are notoriously bad at singing their own praises. Some of this comes from having been raised with the (selective) cultural mores that insist that anyone who boasts about their own accomplishments is an obnoxious narcissist. Some of this reluctance to emphasize their own good points comes from the belief that their accomplishments are somehow worth less or less praise-worthy than others; after all, who gets celebrated in our culture, the sports hero or the brain? Then there are those who lack faith in their own self-worth; why should you brag about yourself when you have nothing to brag about, after all?
The problem, though, is that sometimes being able to brag about yourself is a good thing. After all, when it comes to the dating world, you want people to understand that you’re awesome and they should get to know you because you’re awesome.
Preach it!
But how are you supposed to convey your awesomeness without showing off a little? How are you supposed to let people know that you’re money if all you can say is “Well, I guess I’m ok…”
You need to quit being so afraid of being willing to believe that you’re incredible and you’re not afraid to say so. You just need to learn how to do it without coming off like a complete asshole.
Why Do You Need To Brag?
Let’s take a moment to talk about confidence.
I’ve said over and over again that confidence is one of the most attractive attributes in people, regardless of whether their male or female. Confidence is an outward sign that somebody has faith in themselves and trust in what they have to offer. It shows in their body language, in the way they relate to others, in the way that they talk to others. They radiate security and accomplishment because they take pride in they’ve done and what they know they can do.
Confidence is one of those areas where lots of little things contribute to a more attractive whole. Unfortunately, it’s also one of those areas where little things can betray a lack of confidence and bring the rest of the issue into question. Having pride – and being willing to admit to having pride – in yourself and your accomplishments is one of them.
It’s understandable why people – nerds especially – are loathe to indulge in a little crowing about themselves; everybody knows somebody that can’t stop talking about how amazing they are and how they’re just King Shit of Fuck Mountain. They’re the ones who remind us that “great” is sometimes spelled G-R-A-T-E. Nobody wants to be that guy. Nerds and geeks frequently define themselves in opposition to the people around them – when all the jocks, queen-bees and other assorted assholes who make your life miserable are the ones who’re proclaiming their glory to anyone who will listen, it’s only natural that we work to be as unlike them as possible.
The problem is when you take it too far in the other direction. It’s fine that you don’t want to make a fuss about maybe being more gifted with facial symmetry than your classmates or the fact that you’re smarter than the average bear, but when you qualify everything good about you with “well… I guess I’m a little…” or “people say I’m…” it doesn’t read as “modesty”. It reads as “low self-esteem”. It tells people that you don’t believe in yourself and in all the amazing things you have to offer other people – and if you don’t believe in it, why in hell should they? It makes you incongruous with the image you’re trying to project; you may have that confident body language that says you know what you’re worth, but when you can’t back up the look with being able to speak with authority about your good points, you’re going to confuse people. At best you’ll come across as someone who’s trying to project an air of false modesty… which most people will take as arrogance.
This is one area where assholes have it all over nerds; they have no problem telling everybody how awesome they are. They may be a raging bundle of entitlement issues, but they have no problem believing in themselves and making sure that other people know it too.
"You can't spell 'awesome' without ME!"
Selling Yourself vs. Bragging
Imagine this if you will: you’ve just landed an interview for your dream job. You’re in your snazziest suit, sitting in that well-upholstered chair while the head of HR is looking over your resume. She nods to herself, folds your resume down and looks you square in the eye. “So,” she asks, “why should we want to hire you?” You need to wow her. You need to impress her. This is not the time to say “Well, I’m not sure…” You need to be able to explain exactly why you’re perfect for that job… and this means no hemming and hawing and disqualifying yourself by saying things like “I guess I’m ok at $SKILL”
Think of being willing to brag a little as advertising. When a company is selling a product, they want to make sure that you – the prospective customer – understands that their product is the greatest thing in the history of things. Nobody starts off their commercial with “PRODUCT_X is alright we guess. I mean, it’s not terrible, but there’s a lot out there that’s better. But we’re pretty good… kind of.” That sort of thinking sabotages the product in the customer’s mind right off the bat. If you were to try to suggest that your company should open a marketing campaign with the slogan of “WE’RE TOTALLY ADEQUATE!”, you’d be lucky if security wasn’t instructed to toss you out the door head first.
"All in favor of beating the loser with a sack of nickels before we fire him?"
If you’re trying to sell a product, you want them to know that this product is what they’ve been looking for, even if they didn’t realize it. You want people to realize that your product will enhance their lives in wonderfully sexy ways. You want them to understand just how superlative your product is, especially compared to the competition’s inferior versions. You want to say “yeah, we make a lot of promises… but we can back ‘em up too.”
Not to drive a metaphor into the ground, but when it comes to dating, you are the product. When you’re talking to someone you’re attracted to, you’re essentially marketing yourself to them. You want them to realize that a relationship with you is the best possible thing that could happen to them – all those other guys or girls out there are inferior knock-offs. It’s great to want people to discover who you are and what makes you a wonderful person… but you have to get them interested in investing the time and effort that it will take to realize your true depths. Very few of us are so amazing that we wear our awesomeness like a halo for all to see.
There are, of course, exceptions
So you need to be willing to talk yourself up in a charming and attractive manner.
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"Then there are those who lack faith in their own self-worth; why should you brag about yourself when you have nothing to brag about, after all?"
that or people teach you through your life that you are worthless
"that or people teach you through your life that you are worthless"
That's called abuse.
It is also called bullying.
True on both accounts.
Abusers and bullies (I count them as the same) are people who feel that others should be as worthless as they are.
They say they're better than you, this is why they treat you poorly. We can bring that right back to what the Doc was saying about the credibility pyramid and file it in the lowest form of credit. They only end up proving the exact opposite and losing face.
It's weird how once I was on the douchy end of the bragging scale, and now on the completly opposite side, can't even take a compliment… When once I was confident and annoying, I'm now humble and depressing. I've been thriving to get on that sweet middle spot, so this article resonates very deeply with me.
A wise man once told me that the only appropriate response to a compliment that you may not agree with yourself is a polite and heartfelt "thank you". Denying it just sounds like false modesty, whether it is or not. Acknowledging it with something like 'I know" just sounds smug.
I completely agree with this. I believe the best way to respond to a compliment is with a "you think so? wow, thank you" or "thanks. thats kind of you to say" and a kind smile. It both shows appreciation over the fact that the person went out of their way to let you know they think you're good, and at the same time won't create an awkward situation.
This is really helpful! I'll definitely practice this sometime.
I personally think that the most important rule is to strive to be utterly and completely awesome, to be as successful as one can (and wants) to be, and to never, EVER, talk about it.
Ever.
PERIOD.
Why? Because if one is truly awesome, it has a tendency to surface in one way or another, and when it does it's quite awesome. =)
Maybe but if your awesome and it doesn't just happen to show when you need it then you need the advice of this article so that you look your best when it matters most.
I think I'm pretty awesome. I could rattle off my skills easily. But many of my 'skills' aren't demonstrable in short-term casual social interaction. Nor can they really be inferred. I know that in my current social circle, the people willing to say good things about me are in the minority. =/ I have no wingman or wingwoman. So how exactly is my awesomeness supposed to spontaneously manifest?
Some skills I can show off, like good communication skills and attentive listening and the like. I'm getting better at smiling more often, too. As soon as I scrape $20 together I'm swinging by Goodwill to get some clothes that look and fit better.
Now I do agree with the 'be the best you can be' part. I also agree with the 'no need to brag' part. But the point of this article is how to put yourself out there without bragging… which, in itself, is a facet of how to be the best you can be. People who put themselves out there and 'advertise themselves' are being the best they can be compared to living under a rock. =P
I understand that the point of the article is about consciously selling yourself. My point was more about reinforcing your awesomeness in regards to how you feel about yourself.
I think that the main reason why so many guys are feeling approach anxiety or fear of women is because they've never "won" anything in their lives. I think that people who always end up last or at the bottom of the pecking order tend to develop a personality where they shy away from any kind of challenge, which of course means women.
What I meant was that maintaining the mindset of "be awesome," "feel awesome" and "don't talk about it" helps to reinforce an internal feeling of being a winner, and this subsequently *shows* hrough your behvaior, which means that you don't really need any details to surface because people will perceive you as a winner or an awesome guy regardless of what they know about you.
(Note: when I say "people will see you as a winner" I'm not saying that you're going to notice that they do, a BIG MISTAKE that people make and attribute to a failure to be awesome. I mean that you're going to feel pretty damn good and secure about yourself, and that it will make people react to you more positively, IN DUE TIME.)
This also tends to be be a self-fulfilling circle, as when you feel aweosome, you will keep doing awesome or challenging things, which just keeps feeding your ego.
I seriously think a lot of guys could benefit from just picking up a skill that they're passionate about and truly identifying themselves with their skill, without a need to brag about it or feeling like anyone else should know about it.
Of course, this may not apply to everyone. =)
@Ancom
Sooooooo have other people do the work for you? Mainly because you can't seem the grasp the basics of social awareness?
*sigh*
Coming from you, though, I'm not suprised…
Having others do the work for me? No, I'm talking about building an internal confidence that will enable you to radiate success, and at the same time having a behavioral pattern that ensures that your coolness will become apparent to people every now and then without having to strategically make sure it happens. =)
"There’s a difference, however, between saying “I’m better at X than anyone else” and “I’m good at X”."
To me, this is the most important thing to keep in mind. I've never, NEVER been attracted to a guy who thought he was better than everyone else. What I do admire, though, is when someone is simply self-aware of both his qualities and flaws. In my eyes, confidence isn't ignoring what you can't, but finding that perfect balance between what your pros and cons are. It shows that you don't consider yourself God.
Nothing's more annoying and ugly than a dude who skips around a hallway claiming to be Mr. Jesus. It gets especially annoying when you point out something less admirable about this person and all you get is "You're jealous!" or "That's bs! Take a look at yourself!".
'bragging' with humor is the best kind, because it usually says the person knows he's pretty awesome, while at the same time saying you don't have to take it too seriously, because no one is at that moment. It's all about the underlying message.
I have a lot to learn when it comes to selling myself. This article at least shows how you don't have to go to the extreme opposite (which is what a lot of people tend to do when trying to change themselves).
Hey Doc, what's the least annoying way to report grammatical errors and typos?
Hmmm, probably a private email. Or you can just ignore it and enjoy the body of the article.
"Then there are those who lack faith in their own self-worth; why should you brag about yourself when you have nothing to brag about, after all?"
This sentence got me thinking for a good while – I realized that I simply don't have really anything particular to brag about – but not because I lack faith in my own self-worth. A good metaphor for me is that I like to see myself like someone playing with Mario in Super Smash Bros = I am an all-rounder. I am the kind of guy that adapts to different situations – according to what I want to achieve. By that I mean that I am not really good in one specific thing, but rather I am pretty much average and maybe my expertise is in the ability to adapt to my environment, like a chameleon. Now it's not that I am unable to brag a bit every now and then – but usually it's around my family or close friends and not with people that I don't really know yet.
Plus, I think that I feel like this because I always associated bragging with being a jerk – mostly because some of the people that I met in my life used to brag about themselves constantly – or in other words acted like jerks. This created the thought pattern in my head that bragging about yourself is acting like an asshole. Maybe then the time has come to adapt myself once more and start creating a more bragging person (that brags in moderation).
GMan, what you just described means you're good at learning.
There is a term for people with a wide variety of interests who pursue many of them rather than becoming an expert in one thing. The term is "Renaissance Man" and its a great one to use. It sounds classy without being bragging.
"maybe my expertise is in the ability to adapt to my environment, like a chameleon."
Bam, there you go. That's something you're good at; adapting to situations when duty calls. Some people can only do one thing and one thing only and if they're out of that comfort zone, they fall apart. You're able to learn fairly quickly and get a handle on any situation anywhere.
That's a good selling point for you. So I wouldn't take the word "bragging" so literally. Like a couple other folks have reiterated, I wouldn't totally denounce the word bragging with a negative connotation. Highlight your good attributes without being condescending about it, that's all.
OTOH no one with sense believes anything in commercials because of their incessant dishonest puffery.
If marketing didn't work, then everybody on Madison Avenue would be out of a job.
True… I still say the best advert is a coupon… ;-P
Oh no! Storytelling?? RUN ANCOM RUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!
Could work that modesty thing with a bit of bragging.
"Well they say I'm funny…
by which I mean it was irrefutably determined by a monkey swordfight on the 10th hour of the Vernal Equinox by the Guild of Calamatous Intent and they don't do things by half measures. And I'm not about to argue with the Guild!"
Could work that modesty thing with a bit of bragging.
"Well they say I'm funny…
by which I mean it was irrefutably determined by a monkey swordfight on the 10th hour of the Vernal Equinox by the Guild of Calamatous Intent and they don't do things by half measures. And I'm not about to argue with the Guild!"
Modest/low self value sign and then bam sucker punch with a "Wtflol random!"