Hi, Doc.
I sort of stumbled on to your site this morning, so I haven’t read enough of your blog to know if this question is a good fit. But, as a programmer, I’ve found that explaining a problem to someone else can often cause me to give myself new clarity and insight that helps me solve it. And if not, maybe you’ll have some good advice for me.
I’m a video game developer and have been married for over 5 years now. I met my wife when I was in college and, while we have always had a great relationship, I feel we’re very out of sync sexually. I was a virgin when we met, so I started with a lack of experience. Over the years our sexual activity has sort of been painted in to a corner. To explain it in several points:
- We both want the other to be more dominant. I’m driven to please her, but what she wants is for me to tell her what I want, which is for her to tell me what she wants, which is for me to tell her what I want… endless loop. I have tried to be more dominant, but I don’t feel like myself in those moments. It’s also difficult for me to compartmentalize that sort of behavior, and so outside of the bedroom I feel regret for treating my wife disrespectfully. I’m afraid this will only become worse if I take that role farther.
- When I’m aroused the speech center of my brain literally shuts down. She wants me to talk more during the act. I have really tried to improve at this but, while I disparately try to form words, nothing comes out.
- I often try to lead in to sex with a sensual massage, but when all she wants is a massage I feel like a rejected pervert at the end. Sometimes she’ll offer a hand job out of pity, but this feels like I’ve been rejected and inconvenienced her. Because I know that there’s a decent chance I’ll be rejected it makes me not want to be affectionate like this at all.
And so, while we have a very fun and loving relationship, our sex has shut down in a weird stalemate. I’ve tried bringing up the topic, but she sees it as a problem with her not being interested at that moment, rather than a broader problem that’s been getting worse. We’ve tried mixing things up with porn or games or toys, but these added a layer of complication that didn’t work quite right the first time out. I’m willing to retry things and improve, but often she’s very averse to giving things a second chance.
But I’m not trying to put the blame on her. I grew up very socially-awkward and so I’ve often lacked the skills I need to interact with humans, especially those I care about most. I’m out of ideas and I hope you can provide a new perspective to help me think about what I can do to improve the situation. Thanks for your time.
-Probably Thinking About This Way Too Hard
You’ve got a couple of issues here but they’re all stemming from the same place: you’re not really communicating and you’re trying to let the sex just happen.
It’s understandable; we’re all taught that sex is supposed to be as spontaneous and improvisational as possible and trying to plan it out is a crime against passion and romance and means that you just aren’t as attracted to your partner as when your boners magically occur and you just have to bang out right then and there.
The problem with this belief is that not only does it make it pretty damn difficult to actually work out issues like “who’s going to dominate whom”, but you’re also causing yourselves a ton of stress when the sex just doesn’t happen… you’re not in the mood or she’s not, your schedules are conflicting, what-have-you.
As a result, there’s not a lot of sexing going on and a lot of frustration and despair.
So here’s what you need to do:
You need to work all of this out in advance. Now again: I realize this seems like the antithesis of a happy sex-life but stick with me.
You’re a programmer and work in video game development; you should be familiar with the value of pre-production and production scheduling. You don’t just start building a game with no idea of where you’re going or what milestones you need to hit by when.
Same with sex.
To start with, the two of you need to sit down at a time when sex is absolutely not going to happen and talk about how you’re feeling about your sex life, what exactly it is that the two of you want and how you can satisfy your needs. This is one of those times when you need to be careful about how you phrase things, especially to avoid making your wife feel as though it’s all her fault and putting her immediately on the defensive; you want to use a lot of “I feel” and “I would like” statements to emphasize where you’re coming from without being accusatory.
You want to keep this at a time when sex isn’t going to be an issue because it can be difficult to have a conversation about sexual issues when you’re trying to actually fuck. Plus, as you said: if you have a problem maintaining an erection and speaking coherently at the same time, you don’t want to mumble and stumble your way through trying to explain what your needs are and why this issue has been upsetting you.
You both want the other to take more of a dominant role during sex… fine. You both can. You just have to alternate who’s going to be in charge. Even days, you’re the dom, odd days, she’s the dom, you get the first half of the week, she gets the second, whatever. Figure out a schedule that works for you both and just switch the roles. Even if one of you isn’t necessarily getting what he or she wants that time, the anticipation of what you’re going to do (or be on the recieving end of) next time can be intoxicating.
If you’re worried about not being abe to separate being more dominant during sex with your daily lives together, add another layer to it that’s the signal that this is when you’re supposed to be “in charge”. It could be something as simple as a costume piece or background music, but it should be something that isn’t part of your day to day experience. As long as she’s wearing the pearls and the apron and nothing else, you are now the surly husband who’s going to get what he wants from his wife OR ELSE. When the pearls and apron (or what-have-you) are gone… life goes back to normal.
Similarly, she wants you to talk more during sex? Plan it out. Write out a scenario, memorize it, start going through it during sex. Can’t decide what to say? Didn’t have something planned out in time? Keep it simple and obvious: tell her what you’re about to do, tell her what you’re doing and tell her what you did. Short and simple: “Tell me you like it”. “Give me that $BODY_PART” “I’m going to $SEX_ACT you until you scream.” She’s not expecting Oscar Wilde or Thoreau levels of discourse and poetry while you’re fucking.
Now here’s for the part that’s going to seem a little awkward at first.
After you’ve negotiated your issues, you’re going to want to make a schedule for sex – date, time and location – and stick to it, even if one or the other isn’t necessarily feeling it at the time. It can feel weird – after all, you’re treating sex like a scheduled meeting at work – but it puts you into the rhythm (as it were) of sex on a regular basis and it brings a higher-level of importance to actually making the time for it. This will also help with your worries about being rejected when you want to make a move.
Now here’s something you need to understand: you shouldn’t feel like a pervert because you want to have sex; there’s nothing wrong with having a libido and being sexually attracted to your wife. It does sound like the two of you have communication issues – just because you’re trying to lead into sex with a sensual massage doesn’t necessarily mean that she knows that’s where you’re going… and it also doesn’t sound like she’s very good at telling you that she’d rather just have the massage this time before you get too far into it.
Hopefully she isn’t responding to your overtures with “Fine, I’ll jerk you off if that’ll get you out of my hair”; she should be saying “hey, I’m not really in the mood at the moment, but here, let me help you out.” At the same time, you shouldn’t treat the handjob necessarily as a second-rate replacement for sex or a pity-induced orgasm. Part of what makes for a successful sexual relationship – part of what Dan Savage calls GGG or “good, giving and game” means giving your partner a cheerfully helping hand (or mouth, or cleavage, or vibrator) when one or the other of you is in the mood and the other isn’t. You don’t present it as a tiresome obligation akin to scooping the litter-box, you present it as “I care about you and your needs and I want to help you meet them as best I can.”
TL;DR version: Negotiate a way of the two of you meeting your sexual needs, create a sex schedule and keep to it and work on those communication skills.
Good luck.
A lot of problems with romance and sex seem to come from trying to make real life romance and sex as much as fictional romance and sex as possible. In fiction, romance and sex are things that are spontaneous and improvisational. People that try to plan anything in advance are depicted at best as clueless nerds and at worse as cruel, caluclating seducers and manipulators. Both are shown as really not understanding anything about love, sex, or passion. When couples are depicted as having a passionless relationship, the thing thats often missing is the spontaneity that is an alleged part of any real relationship.
Maybe one of the best advices people could be given regarding romance or sex is not try to make it as a movie and actually plan things in advance if possible. That being said, there needs to be some room for spontaneity to.
Another problem with fictional romance and sex is that we expect both partners to be as equally engaged or aroused at the same time. This is why Dr Nerdlove's suggestion of taking turns is such a good way of dealing with this feeling. "I have tried to be more dominant, but I don’t feel like myself in those moments."
There are a few sexual acts I enjoy with my partner due to the way it makes him feel and my enjoyment of his pleasure – the physical sensations for me aren't that great. And I also enjoy when he reciprocates and does things to please me. A problem with porn is it suggests that women are practically orgasmic all the time – there is no need for give and take because they enjoy everything in the same way.
@Thinking too Hard:
Heh, this sounds like me except I'd be happy to step into the Dominant role and I'm not married. x.x (I also want to be a video game developer but am not one yet.)
As someone with D/s leanings, I've seen two submissives work best when they're poly and someone else can dominate them (usually individually, each one has a Dominant play partner.) This actually causes their marriage to strengthen and for them to be closer together.
Unfortunately, I've also seen two submissives fall apart a lot as well.
It's not to say it can't be done without going outside of the relationship, the Doc's advice is spot on for that, but it will be tough and it isn't easy.
As far as the 'too aroused to talk' I have the same problem and will try the Doc's advice myself next time I have an opportunity. One of the reasons I like to be 'in control' during intimacy is so I can quite literally keep control of myself and still be able to think and talk and make decisions and stuff. (One of my favorite things to do is to get a woman so aroused that she can't think. Sort of like "positive payback" for how easily a woman can do that to me, heh.) That may be the angle you take on your 'Dom days' as well.
Have trouble figuring out what to do when she says "Whatever you want" and your main desire is to please her? Get a list of her turn ons (if you don't already know them). Fool around with them. Tease her with them. You should already know what she likes, just give it to her with an attitude of "We're doing this because I want to" instead of "Is this what you want?" Once you get yourself into that headspace you might be able to figure out things that you want in return. Your first reaction might be "That's greedy/selfish to ask for" but that's exactly what she wants to pull out of you, is to get you to express those desires so she can meet them.
But communication is absolutely required if you're gonna get through this. Good luck!
I agree with this whole-heartedly. After being married to your wife for 5 years, you should know some of the specific things she enjoys. When she says she wants you to be dominant, it sounds like she just means she wants you to do those things without having to confirm with her if that is what she actually wants. If you are having trouble dominating try this next time sex is about to happen:
1. Stop all activity and step away from her.
2. Tell her to take off her clothes. You don’t have to be commanding or yell, just normal voice: “take off your clothes.”
3. Say, “Lie down on the bed, spread your legs, put you arms over your head and clasp your hands together, and you can’t move under any circumstances.” (This is psychological bondage, very fun and low risk)
4. Proceed to do all those things she likes to her, and stuff you like too. This way, you got the talking out of the way before you were too aroused, and you are still dominating without feeling oppressive or a jerk.
Enjoy.
P.S. For bonus points, leave the room for a few minutes, for a cigarette or a cup of tea, tell her if she moves, you will know. This move will leave her stewing in her own anticipation. Not to sound crass, but this one guarantees a wet spot when you come back.
P.P.S. I’m a female, and a switch. Just citing my D/s cred.
This is really beautiful. My ex was of the “it’s just supposed to happen” school, and she was initially very put off when I explicitly asked for things. I like plain ol’ vanilla sex, and so while spontaneous with her wasn’t bad, planned and experimental was often more interesting and really taught us to communicate better. Other issues broke us up, but the sex was pretty outstanding by the end (and the handful of times after).
One of the things you might want to keep in mind on those days when you're playing the dominant role (or, for anyone, on the days when you're doing what your partner wants, as opposed to what you want) is that at those times, sex isn't about what you can get – it's about what you can give. In my opinion, we should always approach sex with that idea in mind, at least a little bit, but especially at those times when you're satisfying the other person's needs. You might be surprised at how fulfilling it can be.
Speaking about communication, my experience in dating is limited to one rather bad relationship and going out on one date with a woman on occasion without a second date. There is a lot of stuff that people get to do in their teens or twenties that I missed but kind of want to do as much as possible even though I'm above 30. Is it really realistic for me to at least make up for some of the things that more immature couples do? If so how do I communicate to a partner can you please temporarily act like a teenage girl?
I suppose it depends on what you think you missed out on. I don't think you'd really want your partner to act like a teenage girl, the difference in maturity levels would drive you mental. Out of curiosity, what kind of stuff do you think you missed out on?
Mainly the fact that a lot of people were in relationships when they were basically kids and could afford a certain amount of immaturity and ignoring responsibilities in order to be together like "hey even though we have classes, its a nice day lets skip them and do whatever" and PDA, which always had a tendency to make me feel very awkward and jealous. I suppose the equivalent for an adult would simply to be able not to show up to work and get away with it or since thats not really possible, completely ignoring a lot of must be done chores. Too much of even my very basic dating life revolves around schedule balancing and I really don't like that and finding mutual agreeable times. I really would like something a bit more fluid.
I think you can get that sort of playfulness and intensity in an adult relationship pretty easily. A lot of people enjoy goofing off and letting go of their responsibilities for a little while (you even can do things like "let's both call in sick today" and get away with it–as long as you're not doing it regularly). The thing is, because it's a sort of "let's break the rules together–us against the world" dynamic, it's often only fun with someone you feel pretty comfortable with. So it's hard to get that playfulness going on a first date, especially with internet dating where you literally have not spent a second in person before. Schedule balancing and so on is unavoidable when you're first meeting someone, because they don't know yet whether they enjoy your company enough to go to the effort of rearranging their schedule.
But I'd imagine, even with most people who require some mutual negotiation to set up the early dates, once you find someone you're hitting it off with, those playful kind of things, or "I think it'd be hot to make out for a couple minutes at the bus stop" for your PDA fix, or whatever, will totally be possible.
A couple ways to get more of that dynamic early on: If you're mainly online-approaching women who seem focused/ambitious/career-driven, it's inevitable they'll have busy schedules. Maybe, if you haven't already, consider women whose profiles show a more laid-back, "having fun is as important as work" sort of attitude. And when you suggest meeting up–with anyone–maybe you can find more playful places to hang out. e.g., instead of doing the standard coffee shop or bar "sit and talk" first meeting, pick a cafe with board games out that you can challenge her to, or a place with live music you could ask her to dance to if things are going well, that sort of thing. (Which might also help with that building romance/chemistry issue you've mentioned having, come to think of it.)
I wouldn't necessarily say that its a career that gets in the way. Its also just life in general. People have busy lives and lots of responsibilities and obligations. Plus there are different priorities. I can understand why somebody would choose hanging out with people they know over meeting with somebody they only know from online.
I understand your point about the alternative to the usual coffee date. These are things I've attempted without much success, many people prefer to meet online dates in real life in rather neutral ground.
Definitely not just career that gets in the way, but I do think there are some people who tend to have a lot of things going on that they feel an obligation to attend to, and some people who are much more laissez-faire and often just do whatever they feel like doing in the moment without making many plans in advance. (Not that you will necessarily get along with the latter people well in other ways–if you're more of a planner yourself, you may end up finding them incredibly frustrating to have more than a casual acquaintance with–but they are a lot less likely to be bound by tight schedules.)
And for dates, I think the key is to pick a neutral place with other opportunities, rather than to start with something out of the norm. e.g., with the board game example, at least around here, there are a number of very normal looking coffee shops and cafes that have a shelf of board games for patrons' use. You do the normal "sit and talk" for a little while, and then if you're getting along well, point out the games and suggest you give one a spin. If you get the sense she's most comfortable sticking to talking, you don't have to bring it up at all. (Another possibility: finding a coffee shop where there's a fun activity–arcade? music venue? depends on your interests–less than a block away, so you can suggest extending the meet-up with something more active very close by if the sit-and-talk goes well.)
I think it's entirely possible that even someone who's over 30 will be able to find a partner who's naturally fairly spontaneous and easygoing, and who has non-traditional work hours or a flexible schedule. It's also possible to find other ways to channel a little youthful goofiness without actually being irresponsible, or to work in some unstructured time even if you're with someone who's otherwise a bit Type A.
Does any of that really work well when it comes to first dates? I think it can if the two people involved are good friends or coworkers. If they're meeting online, I don't think it's a realistic expectation. Being able to be that spontaneous generally means making the other person a high priority and being willing to put aside other things…and I don't think that's reasonable to ask of someone who hasn't actually met you yet. After a few dates, I think it's a lot easier to establish that kind of dynamic.
You don't need to be teenagers to play hooky. You can call in sick to work, meet up for a clandestine nooner, or even text your partner to say they're going to go grab some coffee and then meet.
Yay Sex advice!
I'm with the Dr. Good communication here while not engaging in the sexytimes is key.
Some of this hit close to home, so I wanted to give you some things to chew on that you might want to bring up in your discussion.
There's dominant, and then there is DOMinant. I am really not into pain, and I can't stand to be disrespected, but I also like my somewhat shy guy to be dominant sometimes. When I tell him that, here's what I'm really asking for.
Sometimes, during sexytimes I don't want to have to think. I don't want to make any decisions. I don't want to have to direct things, and I don't want to even have to answer the question, "Does that feel good? How about that? What about that?" etc. The days I'm most prone to this mood are days when I'm feeling like I have decision fatigue.
Here's a good article about it in the NYT http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/21/magazine/do-you…
On days when I'm just done thinking an deciding, I want my husband to just take me. Kiss me wherever, touch me wherever, tie me up and tickle my feet if you must, so long as I don't have to think about what happens next. I can just relax in the moment and enjoy it. There's an unpredictability there that is refreshing and exhilarating, and I know that my hubby is getting what he wants and I don't have to "work" anymore because I'm exhausted mentally and physically from whatever happened during the day, so whatever he decides, I'm game and I'm into it. I just don't want to think.
Now, if you are having your discussion and this is the feeling that you get coming from your wife, then by all means, take that pressure off of her every once in a while and just worship her body however you see fit without asking permission. Her submission to it is your permission. Even this is the most mild sort of submission by kink standards, you still need a safe word or phrase and it can be something simple and straight forward that isn't embarrassing to say.
I know this is a little "lazy lover," but sometimes, it's nice to be indulged.
That said, turn about is fair play, and you need to negotiate alternating sessions where it is her turn to do whatever she wants to you and take the lead. It's a good idea to suggest these times for when she is the least stressed out and drained, because that type of sex has the potential to drain her further instead of relieving her stress.
Once again, this has nothing to do with calling her filthy things, slapping her face and pulling out the flogger, unless she asks for that. What she may be asking for is just for you to take the mental pressure off.
Which brings us to the massage. It's time to invest in some new foreplay! Try slow dancing, watching something slightly naughty while feeding each other grapes. Get a little naughty with some ice cream and cold spoons sometime. Take a shower together. There's a whole world of foreplay open to you, which would make another great article.
The problem with the massage is that to her you are using it as a code for "Sex now please?" which makes the massage weighed down by something other than a pure offer to relieve some of her tension. I think what you are getting is some of the same backlash that men will get when they start talking to a woman but it is clear that behind every word is this lingering 800 lb. gorilla wearing a sign around his neck that says, "By encouraging this, you are contractually bound to sex."
Like I said before, if she is mentally and physically drained, a time when a massage would be awesome, sex as the end game no longer feels like fun, it feels like work. What you need is a new code to tell her that you would like to play with her. For my husband and I it is as simple as that. "I want to play with you." Then we negotiate from there. Sometimes I'm exhausted and drained, but my hubby can get me in the mood if I can then communicate what I would need to feel relaxed and stimulated again. It will vary day to day.
For married couples, variety isn't the spice of life, it should be the air you breathe.
As for being in the mood, is your wife on the pill? If she is on hormone based BC, it can absolutely kill your libido. It is really really hard for a woman to keep her head in the game when hormones or sometimes depression are messing with her mind. Be aware and understanding of that, and the fact that it might not be you that is causing a drop in desire, but chemicals. You have to fight past that a little. If it is possible, discuss with her doctor that her sex drive is down, and see if she can get on a hormone level that is lower, or some method of BC that doesn't spike estrogen levels.
As for talking, for me and my friends, that is usually a desire to feel more emotionally connected to a partner during sex. When it is quiet, it becomes all just about bodies and then a woman's head isn't in the game. Once her head is out of the game, she is out of the game. The trick is to keep her mental eagerness up, and her emotional connection to you strong. If you can't talk during sex, talk a LOT during foreplay. Build the emotional connection there, and it will carry into the more physical times ahead. Remind her why you love her. Bring up some of your favorite memories from when you first met. Trigger those "affection" memories, and occasionally naughty memories and it will set her in the right head-space. Ask her if she's feeling like your sex life together is lacking emotional quality. If that is the case, tug on those heartstrings when her mind needs to build desire most during foreplay.
Which brings me to my next mental space thing. Find what triggers sexual fantasy in her mind and have her do that as much as she wants. Sometimes it is sappy movies. Sometimes it is romance novels. Maybe she needs to write a good slash fan fic. I don't know, but you should. You should know what gets your wife's mental wheels turning toward sexy thoughts. More importantly, SHE should know. If she doesn't, she need to go on a little journey of self discovery.
Shows like "Real Sex" can be good discussion fodder for couples who are trying to figure out their boundaries and discover what they find hot.
And finally, don't feel bad for wanting sex with your wife.
It is a wonderful and fantastic thing that you want to have sex with your wife. You SHOULD want to have sex with your wife. That's normal. That's not perverted at all. Anything that the two of you are willing to explore together isn't perverted either. Do NOT feel guilty for wanting her. Also, please don't feel guilty for enjoying her touch when she wishes to give it to you with love and understanding even if it isn't about her so much on that night. She is trying to express her desire to make you feel good and happy. Don't shut that down or feel bad about it so long as she wants to be giving in that way and she's not resentful.
That is not baggage you need in the bedroom.
More than anything, talk to her. I'm just giving you insight into how she may be feeling, but I don't know your wife, and the only way into her head is to talk. Don't be afraid to repeat back, "Here's what I think you're trying to tell me….. Is that right, or am I misinterpreting you?"
Good luck, and I hope you both can start having fun.
Be the boss, man. It's a lot of fun.
Thanks for the advice at encouragement everyone! I wouldn't deny that we (or more specifically, I) have a communication problem and will make an effort to work on that. There's a bunch of helpful ideas here that I think I can work with.