Dear Dr. NerdLove,
It has been a while since I had a girlfriend and lately I been trying to date more and go outside my comfort zone and ask out girls I am truly interested in.
I have my moments just like anyone else , when I least expect it I can pull off making out with with an attractive girl at the bar without even breaking a sweat and I seriously don’t know how I pulled that off and then it will be the opposite. Lately each girl I am interested in has a boyfriend or just broke up with there boyfriend and is now seeing someone else before I even have the chance to blink. I wish there was a way to do a pre-screening before I make an ass of myself by asking them out.
So my most recent attempt was a girl I met at my job (I work at a coffee shop). She came in a few times and I found out her name and that she worked a few blocks down at a competing coffee shop. So later that day I came to visit her place of work with a buddy of mine and talk to her, joke around , do some playful flirting and it was going really well I felt like she was interested in me so I asked her what time she was getting off and if she would like to grab a few drinks.
She said yes, immediately gave me her phone number and we parted ways and said she would call me once she was off and I got a goodbye hug. I felt very proud of myself and went to hang out at a friends place until she was done with work. I waited until the time she said she would be done and I got a little impatient and my desperateness kicked in and the feeling of loneliness and I realized I didn’t give her my number so I texted her to let her know that and waited about 20 minutes and then headed back over to her work place to see if she was there and I asked one of her employees and they said she already left. So feeling annoyed and hurt I called her about 15 minutes later she picked up saying she was finishing up and that she would call me. 10 minutes she called we met and we hung out for maybe 45 minutes which consisted of boring small talk , climbing up to a rooftop on a building and the heading over to a bar to find out that she was 20. Then I walked 15 blocks to her house being the nice guy that I am to walk her home. The next day I texted her saying i had a good time like to see you again , she texts back a day later saying yeah sure thing. So I can see where I went wrong with blowing her up with texts and calls but I just don’t know how to escape this pattern. I really just want to text her and curse her out for being a bitch but I could use your wisdom on this matter and how to not to get overly excited every time.
Jumping The Gun
So there’s a lot to unpack here. Let’s start with those moments where you can’t seem to find the “window” where the women you’re interested are single and feeling like you’re making an ass of yourself.
Here’s the thing about doing cold approaches: you have no way of knowing who’s single, who has a boyfriend and who has a “boyfriend”. That’s just part of the game. Ya rolls the dice and ya takes ya chances. Sometimes she’s single, sometimes she’s not and sometimes she’s single but aren’t interested in you/being approached/talking to guys or just want to hang out with their friends. When that happens, she may give you what PUAs call “the boyfriend objection” because she’s learned the hard way that guys tend to respond better to being told that she “belongs” to someone rather than she’s just not interested.
(Let’s pause and let the fucked-up part of that sentence sink in for a second).
You say you want to avoid making an ass out of yourself by asking her out only to find out she’s got a boyfriend? It’s very simple: don’t act like an asshole. That’s it. Seriously: if you approach her like a reasonable person and take “no thank you” with even a modicum of grace, then you haven’t made an ass out of yourself. You asked somebody out, she said no, you moved on. Nothing even remotely embarrassing about that. Yeah, being turned down isn’t fun, but it’s only a big deal if you make it a big deal to yourself. Show me someone who’s never been rejected and I’ll show you someone who never attempted to approach somebody.
Now, if you want to have a better idea of who’s single in advance… well, that’s when you want to do what’s called “warm approaches” – that is, approaching people who’re connected to your social circle. These are people you’re already one degree of separation from, which makes it much easier to ask your mutual friend “Hey, I think $NAME is cute; do you know if she’s seeing anyone right now?”
Moving on to your more recent attempt, I can tell you exactly where things went wrong: when you freaked out. You got incredibly hung up on a date with someone you barely know and ended up going all Jon-Favreau-In-Swingers. Now I get it: you’re feeling pumped, you’re smelling the sweet scent of victory, you’ve not only gotten her number but you’ve got a date for that day… so you’re a little hypersensitive. A little (ok, a lot) overeager. That’s when you blew it. Because despite how awesome you were feeling and how you were looking forward to this, you were seriously overinvesting in someone you literally hadn’t had a conversation with before that day. Here’s what you should’ve done: you should’ve texted her a little before she was due to get off and say “Hey $NAME, it’s JTG. Realized I didn’t give you my number (whoops!). Let me know when you’re all set and ready for that drink, I’ll come meet you.” And then you go do your thing until you hear back. Either she’ll call or text you when she’s ready or she won’ t because either she’s forgotten or changed her mind. Either way: it’s no big deal because you literally just talked with her for the first time that day. Yeah, it’d be rude of her not to say anything after you’ve made plans, but honestly: you’re still basically strangers to one another. In the world of dating offenses, blowing off somebody you just met is pretty goddamn minor. Is it annoying that you built up that anticipation and killed time waiting for her to no result? Yes, that’s a half-hour you could’ve used elsewhere and an unpleasant case of emotional blueballs… but seriously: if that ranks as higher than “annoying” in your “shit-happens” meter, you’ve given her far more importance that the situation merits.
But let’s say that she wasn’t blowing you off and was just taking care of things before she clocked out.
Showing up at work demanding to know if she was still there, calling her again… these are not the behaviors of a cool, fun guy that she’d want to get to know. These are the behaviors of someone who at best is incredibly insecure and at worst is kinda stalker-y and are going to make her really not want to hang out with you. The fact that she did… well, hopefully it’s because she was willing to give you another shot because she was pretty sure you were a decent enough guy.
And what happened? You had a boring date. By your own words it lasted a grand total of 45 minutes – not counting walking her home – and most of it was “boring small talk”. So why exactly would you be all-fired eager to see her again, other than the fact that she’s the first girl you’ve gone out with after a lengthy dry spell? You didn’t have any chemistry, you didn’t exactly have fun… so what’s the big deal? Chalk it up to “gave it a shot, can’t win ’em all” and move on.
Getting pissed at her, wanting to call her up and “curse her out for being a bitch”? First of all dude: she didn’t do anything wrong. Unless you left something significant out, there’s no bad behavior here. You’re wanting to lash out at her for the crime of not being into you, which is a supremely shitty thing to do to somebody and really tells me that you need to get some perspective. And even if she did do something asshole-ish… what, exactly, is chewing her out going to do? Do you think it’s going to make her mend her wicked ways? Do you think she’s going to see that, realize she was wrong and beg your forgiveness? No, all that’s going to happen is that she’s going to ditch your texts and delete your number. You’re not feeding her, fucking her or financing her, so if she is an asshole, why is she going to care what you think of her?
No, you’re angry, you’re frustrated and you’re wanting to take it out on somebody instead of just doing the mature thing and letting it go. Bad dates happen, people decide they’re not interested in other people after all… that’s all part of the dating experience. Womp womp. If you aren’t ready to handle that without flipping your lid, then you need to take some time off from dating to chill the hell out.
So here’s what you do next time: you calm the hell down. I get that you’re eager to date again, but you’re letting the idea of dating get in the way of the realities. Next time you don’t emotionally overinvest in a stranger, you don’t panic if they’re not Jane-on-the-spot at the exact minute they said they’d be getting off work and you learn to not get bent out of shape over one date not going well.
Get more zen, dude. Take a deep breath and calm down. Recognize that one person flaking on you – if that’s what’s going on – isn’t that big a deal and it’s a sign that you weren’t that compatible after all. Don’t get bent out of shape over dates that don’t go well. Don’t stress out about the little things; they’re not important. Save your emotional energy for the things that really matter. The calmer you are, the better you’ll do in the long run.