Hi Dr. NerdLove:
I’m from Mexico, sorry if my english is a bit weird, i have an odd situation at hand that definitely needs advice from an expert … so that’s why I’m contacting you ^^.
A bit of backstory, I’ve known “Se” since we were in college, and I fell hard for her, the only problem was that she’s a lesbian. Back in the day, I hadn’t had a girlfriend, but still ventured to ask her to be my first girlfriend. She didn’t quite reject me, she just said that at that moment, she can’t. Since i’m an idiot, I burned bridges with her and moved on with my life. In the meantime, I feel that I’ve acquired experience with my past girlfriends, and I’m a bit better at the subject.
Since November 2015, we reopened communication, and it’s been great. Turns out she just got out of a serious relationship and for whatever reason she thought of me. She told me that she misses me, since then we’ve been hanging out a lot, going to the cinema, eating and that sort of things.
But now we’re more touchy than ever, getting real close and personal. We’ve been cuddling for hours at my place, sending us texts about how much we like each other, and how much we miss each other, but i’m kinda scared about my next move. I’m dying to kiss her and roll the dice once more, with a trip to the beach in the horizon, I really don’t know what to do. I really … really like her, and it’s evident to me that she also likes me … I don’t know if she does it in a relationship kinda way, but she has feelings for me, that much I know.
I need help with this. The only question in my head (as Van Halen once said), “It’s got what it takes, so why can’t this be love ???
Thanks
So Confused
Alright, SC, let’s talk a bit about sexuality and sexual identities.
One of the (many) things that isn’t covered in sex ed these days is that sexuality is fluid. There’re gay people, straight people, bisexual people, pansexual people (that is: people who don’t believe in the gender binary and are attracted to individuals regardless of gender) and everything in between… and some people will slide around a little in their sexual identity. There are people, gay or straight, who may discover that they’re attracted to a specific person outside of their preferred gender. There are guys who like trans women because they are turned on by the idea of a woman who also has a penis. There’re straight people who will say “a mouth is a mouth” and accept a blow-job from a gay guy while they close their eyes and think of Christina Hendricks. And there are gay men and women who’ve discovered to their surprise that they may be more bisexual than they previously thought.
So in the strictly hypothetical sense, it’s possible that your friend is bisexual or sexually fluid and open to a relationship with a man.
HOWEVER.
It’s equally as likely that she just feels comfortable with you as a friend. There are many forms of love; not just eros (love of the body) but agape (romantic contentment) and philia (platonic affection for friends). You can love someone, enjoy your time with them and be open about missing them when you’re platonic friends, not just when you’re both in romantic love.
But what about the cuddles?
Well, women are socialized to be more touchy-feely in general, but especially with people they’re close to, and it’s entirely possible that she feels comfortable cuddling with you because she sees you as someone safe who respects her boundaries.
Or hey. It could mean she’s a little more fluid than she thought and you’re in a Chasing Amy situation. I doubt it, but it’s possible.
So how do you sort this out without ruining your friendship? By using your words. You just ask her. Say “Hey, I feel like I’m picking up on a vibe here and you can feel free to tell me I’m nuts, but I just want to make sure I’m not misreading things. I’m really enjoying our friendship, but at times it feels like maybe there’s more? It’s cool if I’m wrong, because I really appreciate what we have; I just want to make sure whether I’m just completely off base.”
You want to make sure that she understands a) that she’s free to tell you that you’re misreading things (if that’s what’s going on) and that b) you’re good with being friends in the event that you are wrong. After all: it was your freak-out at her rejection last time that lead to the two of you being out of touch with one another. So when/if she reminds you that she’s gay… be cool this time. Just say “OK, I just wanted to make sure,” and let it go. Don’t make your being friends contingent on your feelings for her; that’s not fair to her, and it’s a great way to actually ruin a friendship.
You’ve got a good thing going with your friend, even if it’s not necessarily the relationship you’d prefer. That’s something worth holding on to, even if you wish it could be different.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove;
I really need your help on this one. I realized it after reading the article “Escape the friend zone.” I understand the idea of breaking the touch barrier to show further interest in someone and making a connection. But, I really really really don’t feel comfortable being touched.
I’ve had a lot of years not enjoying being touched, and (to save you a life’s story) it’s because I rarely had control over who touched me. I was bullied, forced to be massaged in music classes, and condescendingly patted on the back for being single in High School. I can’t get a massage from people without tensing up, and even being in a massage chair gets me nervous. Recently still, I was harassed by a female coworker who tried things like wrapping her arms around me from behind and grabbing my hand. I told her to stop, but she still comes up and talks about how “good” she’s been for not touching me.
I have other things I need to work on as well (approach anxiety, fear of expressing interest), but this seems like something I need to address. How can I become comfortable being touched so I can become comfortable touching others?
Thank you for your time!
Sincerely,
No Touchie.
Honestly, NT, this is one of those times when the person you should be talking to is a counselor or therapist, rather than a loudmouth with a blog. They’re better trained to help you work through your issues and find ways of easing yourself back into being more comfortable with physical contact.
What I would suggest you don’t do is try some amateur form of exposure therapy – or worse, let others push you into letting them try to make you comfortable with being touched. First of all, I don’t think the problem is touch itself but the powerlessness that came with being touched, and second of all: exposure therapy is done under very controlled circumstances by someone who’s actually trained in such matters.
In the meantime, I think a good idea would be to work on enforcing your boundaries, which should help you feel like you have more bodily autonomy. You did the right thing when you told your co-worker to back off, but she’s still pushing things by making a point of telling you how “good” she’s been. Maybe she’s trying to be friendly and flirty or maybe she enjoys making you squirm. Either way: it’s not cool and you’re well within your rights to tell her to knock it off.
With some work, I think you’ll be in a much better place and be ready to be touched by someone you want to touch you.
Good luck!
Dear Dr. NerdLove
I recently had to block a guy on Facebook…
We met at an event I was hosting and when he messaged me (after finding out I was single), I told him I wasn’t ready to date. He said he wasn’t either; he just wanted to be friends….
Over the last two months I’ve encountered the same situation with other guys, where I’d tell them I wasn’t ready to date, they asked to just be friends and we’d chat for a while only to find they kept pushing me to meet them or start dating. I would end up telling them flat out I wasn’t interested and then when they wouldn’t take “no” for an answer I’d end up blocking them because they obviously weren’t respecting my boundaries.
So now this guy comes along with the same song and dance, and naively I assumed maybe this guy would be different (Lesson learned! No more adding guys to my Facebook unless I’m willing to date them!).
On the first day he messaged me eight times in 4 hours without me even having responded. The next day was the same thing and I was having flashbacks to my previous Facebook encounters; so I told him to tone it down and back off a bit. I reiterated that I wasn’t ready to date. He listened and toned down on the amount of messages.
During this time I was working on self improvement and healing so I would be able to date again. I feel I’m almost ready to enter back into the dating world and this weekend I have an event where there is the potential to meet some single guys, but it felt like my new Facebook buddy was still trying to make a connection and I wanted to make it clear to him that I wasn’t interested in dating him. He’s a nice guy, but that initial contact screamed “I’m needy! Please pay attention to me!!” and that’s not what I’m looking for in a guy….
And it felt like he was still trying to flirt! He would send me pictures of his drawings; everyday! He would comment on a Facebook post I made, like the same Facebook post and then bring up the Facebook post again in a private message. There were several emotion icons in every email and he would keep saying how appreciative he was that I was his friend….
Today I decided to be honest and tell him that I have no interest in actually dating him. I don’t want to drag that baggage into a new relationship and I don’t want this guy getting good hurt if in three months he sees I’ve changed my status to “in a relationship”; especially if this entire time he was hoping I would see the light and pick him.
I flat out told him that I wasn’t interested and was concerned that he was still hoping to more than friendship….
He was angry! How dare I accuse him of wanting to be more than friends? Why didn’t I believe him? He told me he was tired of my BS and I was being paranoid.
Once again, I blocked another guy on Facebook. Afterwards though I found myself wondering if I had actually misinterpreted his contact as flirting. Not that is really matters now; I’ll hopefully never hear from him again, but I feel like I’ve been out of the dating game for so long that maybe I’ve lost touch with what flirting is.
Was I right to assume he was still hinting at wanting more than friendship?
Thanks!
Dazed and Confused
Honestly DaC, it’s a little hard for me to say definitively one way or the other without having been there to see the posts and the context. So I’m of two minds.
On the one hand, it’s entirely possible that you were a little hypersensitive – with good reason, to be sure – to the possibility that he was flirting with you. It’s entirely possible that he was a bit on the awkward side and more enthusiasm than grace – like the human equivalent of a golden retriever puppy stumbling over it’s oversized paws. If he was making a good-faith effort to tone things down after you asked him, I could see him feeling a bit put out when he was trying – in his awkward way – to be a friend.
That having been said, his reaction sounds over-the-top for the situation, and if he flips out that hard over being told “hey, it feels like you’re getting flirty again and that’s really not something I’m interested in…” then not only does it seem like a case of “he doth protest too much,” but weeding out someone who’s generally unpleasant and sets your Spidey-senses tingling.
In the future… honestly, like Private Number last week, I’d say let yourself be a little more on your guard and a little more hesitant to add people to Facebook if you don’t know them well. It’s possible that you’re a little hypervigilant, but that’s not a reason to ignore your instincts either. You can’t prevent dudes from pulling the Platonic Friend Back Door Gambit and trying to Nice Guy their way into your pants, but you can limit the access they have to you in your day to day life.
Good luck.