Archives for June 2013

In Defense of Pick Up

June 28, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove 412 Comments

I’d thought I was done with talking about “Above The Game”, Ken Hoinsky’s Kickstarter to self-publish a pick-up manual. Looks like I’ve got a bit more to say.

Hoinsky’s project was successfully funded despite the hue and cry, and the money was released to him as per standard Kickstarter policy. In the aftermath, Kickstarter issued an apology, saying that they should never have allowed the project in the first place because of its distressing content and apparent advocation of sexual assault. They backed this up with a $25,000 donation to RAINN, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. I heartily approve of all of this; Kickstarter proved that they were sincere in their regret and backed up their words with positive action.

However.

Part of the fallout from the project’s sudden infamy involved Kickstarter promising that they were no longer going to allow anything that smacked of a “seduction manual”. From their statement:

We are prohibiting “seduction guides,” or anything similar, effective immediately. This material encourages misogynistic behavior and is inconsistent with our mission of funding creative works. These things do not belong on Kickstarter.

I didn’t comment on it at the time, but the decision to ban any “seduction guides” or anything similar struck me as throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Yes, Hoinsky’s advice was incredibly troublesome and encouraged men to try to push past a woman’s “no” to until she literally forced him away… but wouldn’t banning all dating manuals or guides be tarring an entire industry with the same brush?

"This isn't the part where you force me to grab your dick, is it?" — “This isn’t the part where you force me to grab your dick, is it?”

Now, obviously, I have no small amount of self-interest involved, seeing as I write a dating advice blog that regularly talks about how to get laid. I consider myself to be a feminist ally (albeit one with a Feminism 101 level of education) and would like to think that my advice is sex-positive and encouraging of enthusiastic consent; frankly, I rather resent the idea that I’m encouraging misogynistic behavior because I’m teaching people how to find new sex partners. Besides, I might want to crowd-fund a Dr. NerdLove project some time, and I’d hate to get disqualified because I’m associated with bad actors.

But the part that I find more troubling about this new policy is the way it implies that wanting to learn how to have more sex at all is somehow inherently bad and can only be done at the expense of women – an attitude I’ve seen expressed in many places after the scandal erupted.

So last week I talked about why pick-up is so damn skeevy.

This week, I want to defend it.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Like A Virgin

June 26, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove 134 Comments

Doc, I don’t know if you offer advice but you seem to know what your talking about. . . I’m 23 years old and in the Army, I joined the army in hopes of getting a better life, and I heard that women Love a guy in uniform, I’ve never had any female contact in my life apart from my mother. It sickens me to think that at this age I have not yet proven my manhood by getting a woman. My family, EVEN MY UNIT RIDICULES ME FOR BEING A VIRGIN!! this and the fact that my subconscious is begging me to get married and have a family before age 25. this shame I bear has driven me to the brink of suicide, I need help to find a woman who will love a man who likes to wear Army and Starfleet uniforms.

– Private SNAFU

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The Power of Identity

June 24, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove 167 Comments

Who are you?

This is a serious question. I want to you to think about who you are. How would you describe yourself? Can you describe yourself in three words or less or do you need more? Are you a geek? A nerd? A gamer? An otaku? Are you a writer? A photographer? An accountant? A lawyer? An cubicle drone? A parent? A lover? A football fan?

"I am an enigma, shrouded in a mystery, and wrapped in a flaky pastry shell." — “I am an enigma, shrouded in a mystery, and wrapped in a flaky pastry shell.”

I want you to take your time and think about it, because those words you use to describe yourself are a big part of your identity. And your identity can be a powerful thing – more powerful than you might realize. You see, our identity is more than a convenient way of summing ourselves up: it’s how we present ourselves to the world. It controls how we interact with the people around us, how we see ourselves and how others react to us.

Your identity can be a powerful tool in getting better at dating… or it can be the thing that’s holding you back.

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The Trouble With Pick-Up Artists

June 21, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove 918 Comments

On Wednesday, a Kickstarter project for a self-published book on picking up women entitled “Above The Game” started rocketing across blogs and Twitter. The author, a regular poster on r/seduction, a sub-Reddit dedicated to exchanging tips on meeting and hooking up with women, was looking for $2,000. He ended up getting over $16,000 – mostly from Redditors. Nothing terribly interesting in and of itself.

The samples of his advice he was giving… well, that was a different story. Ken Hoinsky shared excerpts from the upcoming book on r/seduction… and they were some doozies. As soon as the controversy broke, he took them down, but the Google cache is still available.

Some samples:

Never, ever, ever, wait for a SIGN before you escalate! You will miss out on the vast majority of chances if you sit around waiting for SIGNS. Men are notoriously bad at reading women’s minds and body language. Don’t think that you’re any different. From now on you must ASSUME that she is attracted to you and wants to be ravished.

All that matters is that you continue to try to escalate physically until she makes it genuinely clear that it’s not happening. She wants to be desired, but the circumstances need to be right. With some experience, you will learn to differentiate the “No, we can’t… my parents are in the next room… OMG FUCK ME FUCK ME HARD” from the“SERIOUSLY GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME, YOU CREEP” variety of resistance.

Rub your hands up and down her legs. Make her push your hand away as you get closer to her vagina. Fucking ravish her.

Pull out your cock and put her hand on it. Remember, she is letting you do this because you have established yourself as a LEADER. Don’t ask for permission, GRAB HER HAND, and put it right on your dick.

"Also: consider investing in chloroform and a windowless van." — “Also: consider investing in chloroform and a windowless van.”

This right here is an excellent example of why I have problems with the Pick Up Artist community.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Sometimes Love Ain’t Enough

June 19, 2013 by Dr. NerdLove 62 Comments

I know I am rather new to this web site. I have read many of your articles and I find them fascinating. I have found myself agreeing, cheering on, laughing, as well as being mesmerized by the topics you discuss and the eloquence in which you dissect and analyze every situation that could be conceived. For this, I truly am in awe and I thank you.

So, here I throw a dilemma that I am facing your way. I am 27 years old. I have this friend who’s name is Dena . I have known this girl since I was in highschool. The thing is, I have never actually met the girl in person. We have talked a great deal since getting to know each other and now we have become pretty good friends. Well, just recently, as in last year, our conversations began to become slightly heated. We have begun to talk more in depth about fantasies of us being together. We have talked about this before, just not so intensely.

I should point out that Dena is married and already has one child by her current husband. I understand that finding an attraction to someone else’s wife is morally wrong. But I really do feel an attraction to this woman and I’ve told her so. Her response to me expressing my feelings to her were to ask me why I waited to tell her how I felt. The truth was I wasn’t ready to tell her because I always believed that until I felt confident that I could support a significant other I didn’t want to express myself to someone like that. I should also point out that another significant reason I waited to tell her was because of a significant distance barrier that we face. She and I live away from each other by a distance of several states. And we’ve never actually met, although I’ve expressed significant interest in coming to visit her for at least a few days.

So back to my story. Recently the conversations have become more heated. In the beginning of 2013 was the first time we decided to cross the line into sending each other explicit texts and pictures. Not much, but one or two is certainly enough to tease one. That is not my only drive or reason for sending you this letter. I honestly feel that I can communicate freely with her and tell her whatever is on my mind and not have to fear anything that she may back. I feel as though we understand each other on many levels. I have already expressed my desire to be with her and just whisk her away to a world that currently only resides in my imagination. My question, and this is a big question, is…. is it worth it? I’d be making a huge leap of faith here on my side.

I am already planted in a career here where I live and she in hers. I have asked her what she would do if I decided to take the big leap and seek out a relationship with her. She expressed a desire to stay close to her family, which I understand since I have a close relationship with my family here. This would seem to leave me with the big decision of either uprooting my own lifestyle and trying to adapt to hers. Or seeing if she would take the big risk and uproot to my lifestyle. I understand it would be gambling a lot and the two of us could stand to sacrifice big initially. I certainly don’t want to break into a marriage unless I was sure it could work, although I believe I already crossed this line somewhat when we started talking more intensely. She has expressed discontent in her current living arrangement with her husband though. I don’t know if this means I am truly able to have a chance with this girl or if I’ve somehow just conveniently become her outlet while she is at a low point. I really want to believe that she has feelings for me the way I have for her. I’m just curious to know if all these feelings are worth making the leap to see her though.

Would it be better if I made a short trip to her area and talked with her? I am not looking for someone to make my decision for me. But seeing as you have given much sound advice in the past, I feel that you are a fantastic person in which to ask their opinion and get an outside view into the situation I am facing. I would appreciate any advice you can give to me, no matter how brief or long the advice is. I thank you in advance.

Leap of Faith

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