Archives for December 2019

I Can’t Bring Myself To Have Sex and I Don’t Know What To Do…

December 30, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doctor,

Recently I have been frustrated, solely with myself. Because in the last few years I’ve lost 40 pounds, made impressive strides in my career for a man my age, and went from not being able to talk to anyone to making classes/groups of people screech in laughter. I say I’m proud of myself because I am, but there’s one last hurdle I need to get over and I’m hoping you can provide perspective.

Women who I consider beautiful, and who I want to sleep with, try to sleep with me, and I freak out (yes I’m a virgin). One of two things happen:

1. I completely begin over-analyzing and ask myself “Do I want a relationship with this person? Or just casual sex? Will I ruin my chances if I have sex now?” I basically twist myself so backwards that by the time I have made a decision, they have completely moved on.

2. I panic and just straight up say “no”. Even when I mean yes! I will admit it stems slightly from a fear of performance, but I’ve been really working to overcome that and don’t really feel like that’s the main problem.

When I take a step back and analyze the situation I walk away with this conclusion: I don’t know if I really want to have sex with someone because I don’t really know what sex is, as stupid as that sounds. Of course I know what it entails physically, but not what it entails on an emotional level.

I know the standard narrative is that men are pressured to have sex with anyone as soon as possible, but I feel as if that’s been reversed. All my good pals tell me I should wait for someone special, but in all honesty I’m horny, and I feel like I’m being pressured to wait for this completely unrealistic fantasy that’s never going to just walk into my life. I want to have the physical act of sex so I can grow and learn emotionally, therefor when someone I do really love comes into the picture I won’t panic like I do right now.

To sum it all up Doc, should I have sex with someone who I do like, but know I won’t end up with in the long run, or am I wasting a valuable emotional moment in my life? Because to be honest the lack of sex has really been dragging on me mentally, I will not say I’m depressed, but I do have some serious slumps sometimes. I get distracted, I become angry at people who I love, and I can get easily agitated at times. These aren’t horrible situations compared to others but I feel like I’m suffering and having anxiety all for something completely natural that people do everyday.

Sincerely,
Just a dude who wants some wisdom

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Why Am I Still Not Over My Ex?

December 27, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I’m a 21 year old guy just about to finish college. During my freshman year, I met this wonderful girl (call her Alpha) – beautiful, smart, funny, everything one could hope for. She was in a relationship when we met, but it ended soon after. She was available, we got along swimmingly, and I found signs she might even be interested romantically. I just wanted to give her a couple weeks of space for her to get through her previous breakup first. So I did, and when I felt ready to ask her out, she was…with someone else.

This completely and totally crushed my self esteem. As someone who hadn’t really had much experience with dating in high school due to extremely restrictive parents and just general lack of self esteem, I felt amazing that finally, someone I was so attracted to seemed really interested in me. But when Alpha got with another guy, I felt totally opposite – how is it possible that we could have connected so well, yet she didn’t want to be with me? Clearly, the answer must be that I was ugly or otherwise unattractive, which spurred lots of positive life changes like fitness that eventually changed my life.

…Now, I know this reaction was highly disproportionate to what happened. Certainly, the problem was my lack of self-worth and inexperience, and the unhealthy extent to which I sought her approval. Since then, even though I haven’t been in a full fledged relationship, I’ve had a bit more experience and really good people have been into me (it hasn’t worked out purely for timing reasons but that’s a question for another day). No situation with another girl has affected me so badly since, and no situation will ever again.

But for some reason, the Alpha situation still does. Alpha and I have been good friends on and off throughout college, and she was in a relationship for the bulk of this time. Every time I’d see her around with her boyfriend or when she even mentioned him, I’d get these involuntary feelings of stress and anxiety and just general bad-feelingness.

Since September or so, Alpha has been newly single and has decided not to jump into a new relationship. I’ve since lost feelings for her after learning about some particularly negative qualities of hers throughout the years (even though I still think she’s hot as ever). We hung out a few days ago at her place and this hangout was…a bit more intimate than we’ve ever been before. We didn’t explicitly do anything sexual, but there was a lot more touching and cuddling than normal. This isn’t me being hopeful that she’d want to do something serious – again, no interest in dating her – but something casual seemed on the table. Then a couple days later, she tells me she made a Tinder and matched with my old roommate – one of those, tall, lanky, unreasonably confident types who literally stole everyone’s girl in high school. All of a sudden, the exact same feelings of stress and anxiety came flooding back, to the point where it hurts my head cause I’m constantly on edge.

So how can I understand why I still feel this way, Dr. NerdLove? I don’t have strong positive feelings for her, but I do experience strong negative feelings of jealousy, stress, and low self-esteem when I see any implication that she might be interested in or doing things with other people. I can’t really escape her because we have lots of common friends and are in the same major. But even if I could, I’d much rather diagnose why I have these feelings, why they cause me so much visceral stress, and how I can face them head-on to get rid of them instead of escaping or bottling them up.

I still struggle with self-esteem from time to time, but I definitely have a much higher opinion of myself now than I did back then. This is due both to external validation at times from other women and a better internal sense of worth and confidence. So I really feel like I’ve taken all the steps one would to get rid of these feelings, but they haven’t changed at all over the course of these four years. If I could get rid of these feelings, I think my self-esteem would skyrocket and I’d be 100% ready to enter the next phase of my life. I would be forever indebted to you if you could help me get there.

Sincerely,
Prisoner of Love

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How Can I Hook Up With My Celebrity Crush?

December 23, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I am a 35 year old cis gendered male (He/Him/His) and I live in Chicago. 5 years ago I saw a live taping of a podcast that has since become a favorite of mine. At that taping I immediately had a crush on the co host. Like, I was just watching her smile and laughing when she laughed, all while having no idea what she was saying. I would smile at her smiling. So, crushing pretty hard (Lydia Loveless lyrics that fit the bill: ‘European’ “I just want to watch your lips move till I don’t know what the words mean…”)

Sadly, at that time I was in a deep depression and was too chicken shit to take an opportunity to flirt with her after the taping. Now, 5 years later and I still have a crush on her. It is not as intense as before but I am still finding her incredibly attractive, not just looks (but damn she fine like a ticket on the dash) but her sense of humor, how she laughs, her nerdiness, and how she carries herself. I mean, she mad good at being funny and charming on twitter I dig her, she cool. Aaaannddd, after having an opportunity to talk with her after she was interviewing a famous person at a local event, I was again chicken shit and bailed…

So, my quandary is that I don’t know what to do with this? Just leave it as “oh, it’s fun to have a crush, now move on dear boy” or maybe I am just not enough of a romantic, and I should go for it? I hear stories of other people that see someone and are floored by them and then they meet and date and marry… but I can’t imagine that happening to me. Either to chickenshit-ness or me not being a romantic. If I try to find ways to be around her more or to communicate with her over social media I am worried about being a creeper. (I am now much too scared of ‘sliding into dm’s’)

So, when is a crush worth pursuing and when is it a harmless flight of fancy? If it is worth pursuing, how to go about it? Is it weird to try and find ways to be around her? She has a podcast and they have frequent live tapings and she frequently is used as a host for interviewing fun and interesting guest at various functions around the city. So the opportunities exist…

Help me Dr NerdLove, you’re my only hope…

Languishing Excitement In Another

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Am I Being Abused? Or Am I The One Who’s Wrong?

December 20, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doc,

I have an issue. I’m a 29 year old female. I started dating a man this last year after almost going 4 years without a relationship. I was abused (sexually, emotionally, and physically) by my first boyfriend at 19. I have and still am seeing a therapist.

There are other issues in this relationship. My family is from a different country even though I was born in America and still aren’t at accepting him. He has no strong familial or friendship connections and has a good job and won’t branch out to my friend’s husbands. He sticks like glue to me at a last event dampening my mood.

Lately he’s been getting frustrated. I’m not a morning person and need to stick by strict times for plans so I can wake up on time and not rush. I had finals the last weekend and was up studying. We made tentative plans to meet and I slept in and he got mad at me for ignoring calls and texts. I apologized multiple times for not informing him I was up studying and he tells me how disappointed he consistently is that I need to wake up much earlier.

It’s exhausting. I’m with him for the most part of the weekend and I feel I can’t have 10 minutes in the morning to take a dump or drink coffee. And these last few plans I make and he goes along with it. He knows how I need a set time (10 am, etc) and he’s all lazy about agreeing to a time. He then demands me to get up early and I’m squashing his hopes when I don’t.

I also work with my family and now need to go in next week to the office. He has a week off and I can sense an imploding argument because I need to hang out with him all day.

Now he’s demanding sex out of me, but December was a month I was assaulted and I’m sick of it. He’s been pushy for intimacy and I’m meeting him where I can. I told him I’m waking up with nightmares. I get he’s frustrated but I feel guilty and just want to get it over with so he gets off my back .

I also sometimes leave a cup of water in his sink (don’t live together) and got yelled at for not sticking it in the dishwasher (he claims it’s not yelling but was pissed). He said I was being disrespectful. Although if he leaves dirty dishes I usually wash them and do it so it’s one less thing for him or pick up his dirty clothes. I have tried to tell him that I usually leave dishes in a sink and do it at night but it’s a big deal apparently. Sometimes I’ll do it and don’t get snapped at but I feel confused and hurt when it does happen

I have a bad habit of pulling on sleeve or back of his shirts if his hand is away. We went out recently and he was walking faster so I pulled on his sleeve. And he claims he didn’t yell but his voice was raised and people were staring. He loudly said for me to stop messing up his shirts and he won’t ask again and he said I’m going to ruin all his clothes. I turned inward because I hate being yelled at. I tried to say it was an accident and he said no you always do this and why can’t you just say that you want to hold my hand. He claims I’ll ruin the hem and the sleeves fabrics on a sweatshirt or a t-shirt. I felt like I got slapped in the face.

I know I ruined his watch band because I was absent mindlessly playing with it on his hand. The rubber broke. He said he wasn’t angry but he always tells me how annoying it is or tells me how I ruined it. I even offered to pay for a whole new watch that was like that one he likes but no, it’s complain-ville.

I feel like I can’t do some behaviors. I always knock stuff over at home to annoy my mom (minor stuff like a dryer sheet or pen) and I usually pick it up. He blows up at this. I did it a few times (like a business card) and forgot to pick it up. Granted his place was a mess.

And he said I was again being disrespectful and making his place more dirty. I started crying. I had folded his clothes and picked up other stuff but I feel awful.

Now he doesn’t get why I don’t feel safe. I also got a breakdown at one point when I had to put a cup in his sink and didn’t know what to do with it.

I even put it on the table and he got mad at me for not using a coaster. I never raise a fit when he eats in my car and makes a mess. I just cleaned it. He’s left recycling in my car and I’m the one who cleans it. I feel like making a stink about it but I never saw an issue and just toss it out

I just don’t know if he’s angry at me or just frustrated because on top of my family and my trauma he is being pent up.

Any feedback would be helpful.

Thank you

Who’s The Victim Here?

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Episode #129 – 3 Tips For Flirting Like A Master

December 18, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

DR. NERDLOVE MERCHANDISE: https://nerdloveacademy.com/shop/

One of the biggest reasons why people have a hard time flirting successfully is that they don’t understand how flirting is supposed to work. But when you understand the overall philosophy of flirting, you’re in a much better position to fine tune your flirting style to one that works for you and lets you adapt to whomever you’re trying to flirt with.

These three unusual tips will teach you how to flirt like a master.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS: