#3: Your Hair
The level of importance men put on their hair would astound most women. We like to pretend that all the care we put into our hair care is to shake our heads a couple of times on the way out of the shower, but a man’s hair is one of the most visible symbols of his potency and masculinity.
Which of course, means that thinning or receding hair is proof of God’s hate.
A man with thinning hair or a receding hairline – or worse, one who’s bald – is seen as a man who is long past the flush of his youth. He’s someone whose best years have passed him by and is now left with nothing but comedic attempts to try to disguise his loss with gimmicks, props and medication. The image of a balding man is one of comedy and impotence as he tries to disguise his pate with a creative arrangement of what little hair he has left. We laugh at the Hair Club for Men commercials that run on late night TV. “I’m not just the president, I’m a client” is a punchline, right up there with a man losing his toupee at a critical moment. Even the ancient Romans had a saying: “Never trust a bald man with hair.”
If you don’t have a head of thick, luxurious hair, you’re just less of a man, right? Right?
How To Get Over It:
Allow me to introduce you to my counter-argument. Mr. Statham, meet my readers. Readers, Mr. Jason Statham.
Let’s not kid ourselves: bald is sexy.
The cause for the most common cause of male hair loss isn’t known; it’s theorized to be a combination of genetics and hormonal levels in men. The best thing that you can do if you’re faced with hair-loss is face it like a man.
You can always take the medical route; Rogaine can slow the loss and Propecia can help you regrow your hair – if you’re willing to risk the potential side-effects, which include depression, erectile disfunction and a decreased ability to ejaculate, which sound like a cure that’s worse than the disease.
If you have a nicely shaped skull – one that’s fairly symmetrical without any dents or bulges – you can always bite the bullet and shave your head. It will take practice and daily maintenance but many, many women appreciate the feel of a freshly shaved scalp. If you don’t want to go the full-shave route, do your dignity a favor and start adopting a short hair style; a close crop will minimize the appearance of balding and provide the illusion of volume. Don’t make the mistake of trying to grow your hair longer and fluff it in order to try to hide your bare patches; you’re not fooling anyone and it just looks silly.
While you’re at it, consider facial hair: a short, neat beard or goatee will pull attention away from your crown and towards your face instead.
#2: Your Sexual Ability
Sex causes an absurd level of anxiety in men. We’re forever worried about when we should expect sex or whether we’re pushing too hard for it. We obsess over how we measure up to a woman’s past lovers or how many partners we’ve had versus how many partners she’s had. Spit or swallow? Did we get off too quickly? Did she get off at all? Are we rocking her world or is she just counting the ceiling tiles? OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD.
It gets even more insane when you throw porn into the mix. Now suddenly not only are we worried about whether we’re the best lover she’s ever had but men are worried about such things as whether to aim for her boobs or her face or the volume of his ejaculation. That’s right, if you can’t paint a Jackson Pollock on the wall with your sperm, you are not a man.
How the hell are we supposed to get our freak on if we’re too busy worrying about being labeled “Two-Stroke Tony” to all of her friends?
How To Get Over It:
Well to start with, quit assuming that porn resembles real sex at all. Fucking in porn is kabuki – it’s an incredibly stylized and exaggerated performance and the only relation it bears to actual, every-day sex is that tab A goes into slot B. Trying to translate porn sex into the real world is an exercise in pain and frustration… literally. Porn actors have to position themselves into incredibly uncomfortable poses in order to be open to the camera and the “money shot” only developed because it was a way of confirming that yes, the male actors are actually ejaculating at all. Basing your ideas ande expectations about sex from porn is a mistake.
Becoming a masterful lover has two major components: you need to be patient and willing to take direction as needed. Everything after that is just a matter of practice. Every woman is different and will have different requirements for proper bed-rocking-brag-to-all-her-friends-later-sex. Want to know what it takes to rock her world? Ask her what she likes. Learn how to read her signals and respond to them. If you’re trying to use your patented swirly-go-round technique and she’s giving you the tap, trying to push you away or clamp her legs shut, then don’t ignore her. Just because your last girlfriend loved that trick you did with your thumb doesn’t mean that every woman will and trying to power through someone’s “fucking stop” signals is only going to ensure that you’re never invited back for another go-round.
Oh, and when in doubt: more foreplay. Always err to more foreplay.
But while we’re talking about sex, let’s talk about
#1: Your Penis
The size and shape of a man’s penis is the number one source of any man’s insecurities and fears and we all have the clogged spam folders to prove it. Circumcised or natural, growers or showers, curved or straight… every man alive has had anxious questions as to how he measures up and whether his is unusual or otherwise just wrong. Penis size is popularly associated with virility and sexual desirability. A man with a small penis is just not as “manly” as someone with a ten inch monster. If you’re not long, hard as steel, ramrod straight and aiming straight at the ceiling, you’re just an evolutionary dead-end, doomed to a lifetime of pointing and derisive laughter from the hordes of women you will never, ever be able to satisfy. Am I right, or am I right? Back me up here guys.
How To Get Over It:
Well, let me start out by introducing you to a friend of mine. Mr. Jeremy, if you would please…
Really, his existence alone should kill the myth that penis size somehow automatically translates into sexual desirability or manliness.
Look, cock size is subject to the same whims of fashion and popular culture as everything else. Just as there was a period where plump women were the height of beauty, there have been long periods in Western culture where a smaller, uncircumcised penis was the ideal; larger penises were thought to look grotesque and to be a sign of low breeding and intelligence while circumcised penises just looked weird.
The hard (ha!) and fast truth is, the average penis length is 5.1 inches erect when measured from the base and approximately 1.5 inches in diameter. Bigger doesn’t automatically equal better in this case; the longer a penis is, the more likely the odds are that that you’re going to end up bumping up against your partner’s cervix, which is not fun for her. Girth is actually far more important for sexual pleasure; all of the important nerve endings are actually located near the front of the vagina and clustered in the clitoris.
If you feel like you don’t measure up – as it were – there are things you can do to make it look bigger. Losing weight will make you look bigger as the pads of fat around it shrink and pull back. Think of it like tides; when the tide rolls out, the beach looks way bigger. Similarly, some judicious manscaping of your pubes with a body hair trimmer will make your penis stand out and seem larger. You can’t actually increase your penis size through surgery or medication; the pills are bullshit and the surgery involves cutting the ligaments that connect your penis to your abdomen which will make it harder for you to maintain an upright erection.
Getting back to Mr. Jeremy: he may have a giant cock, but there are also porn stars who have contracts that specify “No bestiality, no gangbangs, and no scenes with Ron Jeremy.” Yes, there will be size-queens – both men and women – who will judge a man by his cock size. Let’s be honest: you don’t want to date them in the first place even if you’re hung like a bull moose.
The best thing you can do, however, is to accept what you’ve been gifted with and learn how to use it. Many women out there actively dislike men with huge cocks. These hung studts tend to think that their size will do all the work for them and slam away mechanically without any skill or style at all. A man with a more modest endowment is far more likely to know how to use it properly. A man with two hands, a tongue and a can-do attitude will always be more in demand, sexually, than somebody who thinks that pounding away like a piston in an industrial film is the end-all/be-all of sex.
Which would you rather be? The guy with a huge penis who doesn’t know what he’s doing or the guy with a more modest endowment whose partners brag about every chance they get?