Flirt With Your Eyes
Eye contact is a critical part of how we communicate – and it can be shockingly intimate. Our eyes are one of the most expressive parts of our body- yet their value in flirting is under-appreciated. The eyes can be a potent source of non-verbal sexual communication; they can lend a sexual subtext without having to actually say a word.
To start with: just because the triangle gaze is a way of telling whether your date is interested in kissing you doesn’t mean that you can’t use it yourself to inspire dirty thoughts. Looking from one eye to the next, then to her lips, then back up to her eyes, especially while leaning in, can be a very powerful move.
Even just a look can be used to build sexual tension. You may have heard of celebrities with a “penetrating gaze” or “bedroom eyes”- a look that says they’re not only seeing through you, but they’re already picturing you naked and the insane things that the two of you are going to be doing later.
There’s a lot of discussion on how to communicate sexual desire through a glance – such as visualizing what you want to do to your date while smiling and looking into their eyes – but I’m a fan of strategic intense eye contact.
Direct eye-contact can be intimidating, even uncomfortable if you hold it for too long… unless you know what you’re doing. As a general rule, I recommend not holding someone’s eyes for longer than a few seconds to avoid creeping them out. However, once you’ve been more calibrated for how long you can hold someone’s gaze without intimidating them, you can actually use that fear response to your advantage.
You see, our brains are ultimately controlled by our body’s reactions; we react to the stimuli and backfill the reasons for it afterwards.
Staring into your date’s eyes for a fraction longer than you would normally can cause their heart to race and feel a little light-headed. This is the beginning of the body’s fear response – they’re getting ready to go into fight-or-flight mode.
However, what other emotional states does this sound like to you?
Holding the stare for just a second, then deliberately breaking it by looking up and away will prompt that shortness of breath and rapid pulse. The brain starts searching around for a reason: am I scared? What’s going on? Is there a tiger in the bushes?
Failing to find something to be scared of, it settles for the next option: you’re not scared, you’re getting turned on.
Break The Touch Barrier
I can’t say this enough times: you have to get used to touching when you’re trying to get better at dating. The power that touch has with building sexual tension cannot be understated. Physical contact is a key component to sexual tension; call it one of the benefits of those thousands of nerve-endings we have running through our skin.
Now to be sure, you need a certain level of intimacy and comfort before you can move from casual touching to more sexually charged touch – you don’t want to just reach up and stroke the neck of the woman you just met at the bar unless you’re interested in wearing an amaretto sour for the rest of the night. But when you do…
You might run your nails gently down their back before pulling back and stepping aside. Warm breath on the neck – perhaps accompanied by “you smell nice” can make the difference between a chaste kiss and being grabbed by the back of your favorite head for major make-outs. The hair can also be an incredibly charged area; stroking the hair, or even running your fingers through it and grasping it gently near the scalp can help charge things up.
One popular trick I’ve learned – and used to great success – from player friends of mine is what’s known as the “almost-kiss”. There’re many variations of this; some people will set it up by suggesting that you try an almost-kiss, but swear that you’re not going to actually kiss because it’s just too soon. You lean in close as though for a kiss and hover close to their lips for a moment or two and then pull back – the push-pull dynamic in action, building up the sexual tension then pulling back just as you’re starting to get near the point of no return. It can take some practice – if you’re not careful, the set-up is going to sound cheesy, and not in a charming way – but it’s a powerful technique.
Don’t ignore the back or hips either. A hand on the small of the back, guiding your date through the restuaraunt or to your car can be quite the turn on, as can physically turning their hips. One of the reasons why latin dances such as salsa, cha-cha and meringue are so charged is because of the way that the leading partner guides the following partner by physically moving her hips.
Again, you want to maintain the push-pull dynamic. For every two steps forward – kissing, say – you want to pull back again. “That’s all you get for now,” you might say, after a particularly passionate kiss, pulling yourself away and keeping a physical distance between you. It may seem counter-intuitive – if you’re kissing, you would think you would want to try to move things forward, not backwards – but showing restraint, taking the tension to a crescendo and leaving it there dials the sexual tension way up. It’s a powerful move… and it’s better to leave them wanting more than pushing too far and risking blowing the whole thing.
Keep in mind: building sexual tension isn’t just a way of escalating things until your date is panting to get you into bed; a little goes a long way, especially in the early stages of dating. You don’t always want to rev the engines to full at every available opportunity. When you’re building that valuable chemistry, you want her to feel that spark, that fission of sexual excitement that comes when we meet that somebody special.