Nerds and Male Privilege 3: Cross Assault, Sexual Harassment And You

« Previous 1 2 3 View All Next »

“the entire time you were giggling and enjoying the attention. someone mentions harassment and not until then do you complain?” – via Twitter

Let’s take a few minutes and talk about Pakozdi’s behavior. A number of people, especially in fighting-game communities such as Shoryuken make much over the fact that in the video, Miranda can be seen giggling and even – apparently – going along with things. She doesn’t seem to be saying “Hey, dicknose, cut it out or I’m going to feed you that seaweed thatch you call a beard”.

To be sure, we live in a post Third-Wave Feminist world, where women are supposed to be empowered and able to stand up for themselves and fight their own battles. Women are supposed to be assertive and powerful and unafraid to speak their minds! So by all rights, if she isn’t  telling them all to go fuck themselves, then clearly she’s cool with it, right?

Not so much.

In our culture, women grow up socialized that they’re not supposed to make a fuss. They’re not supposed to be assertive. They’re encouraged – even in this day and age – to swallow their feelings and “go along to get along”. The pressure to not say anything and “just go with it” increases exponentially when you have precious few allies to back you up. A lot of times, embarrassment and even outright humiliation get covered up with laughter and increasingly brittle smiles.

“If you fight back, it only gets worse,” they’re taught. “If you just pretend to go along with it, they don’t bug you as much.”

Unfortunately, a lot of people take this behavior as tacit approval of their shenanigans. “See?” they say, “She doesn’t mind it at all!” Meanwhile, the harassment continues and nothing gets better. And in depressing truth: they’re not always wrong about this. Trying to take a stand on the matter often results in even greater harassment in retaliation. In a perverse way, her fighting back can be an enticement; now not only does the harasser get the thrill of wielding his power over her – and it is a form of power – but now he feels obligated to put her in her place for daring to stand up to him.

To make matters worse, women can often expect to be blamed twice for their harassment; once for “inciting” it and once for protesting it.

Women will often be told that there mere presence is the cause for the treatment, therefore it’s her fault for how she’s treated. In their view, she is somehow responsible for the bad behavior of others; clearly, it’s not the poor, put-upon men’s responsibility to not be a collection of rowdy dickbags. If and when she protests, it’s again her fault. She “can’t take it” or “shouldn’t be there in the first place.” She’ll have her motivation for protesting or reporting it questioned – she’s “doing it because she wants the attention”, or “She’s jealous/inferior/unable to keep up and is using this to strike back”. Hell, sometimes she’ll even be blamed for not doing something about it fast enough.

The last one is especially insidious, because you can see this coming from men and women. Some people will imply that not protesting fast enough is a sign that she was clearly cool with it beforehand… obviously the only reason she changed her mind was because she planned on something underhanded. Others will stand up and say “I’d never put up with this shit, I’d get in their face/rip off their scrotum/walk out”. Of course, it’s easy to be the Monday morning quarterback in situations like these. It’s a lot like would-be internet tough guys talking about how they’d take down a criminal or a terrorist. Everybody’s a bad-ass… right up until the moment they get hit.

In the case of Bakhtanians and Pakozdi, it’s played out in an entirely too predictable a manner. One sterling gentleman provided the quote in the header, calling Miranda out on her Twitter feed. Over on Shoryuken, a fighting game community forum, a number of posters have taken up the mantle to defend Bakhtanians in this matter. One insisted that the only reason why Miranda was offended was because Bakhtanians wasn’t attractive enough.

Others have blamed her skill as a gamer, her inability to handle a “competitive environment”. Said environment of course being a place where men can – in the words of one poster – “the fighting game scene is a chance for them to relax and be themselves, away from an insane, politically correct culture.”

Yes, those poor, put-upon manliest of men, so restricted and restrained by a world where making rape jokes and demanding to see someone’s tits are frowned upon. Those noble saints and all the hardships they endure. Y’know. Like all the white people who feel oppressed by the world because they’re not allowed to say the n-word.

In a perfect world, every woman would feel confident and empowered enough to stand up and shout down her tormentors. In a perfect world, a woman wouldn’t have her motivation in doing so questioned, nor would she be blamed for being harassed at all.

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t be writing this blog in the first place.

« Previous 1 2 3 View All Next »