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Valentines Day for The Single
First of all, what you don’t do: you don’t bitch about Valentine’s Day on Facebook or Twitter. Look, we get it: you think Valentine’s Day sucks. Fair enough: so do I. But to be perfectly honest, no matter how sincere or consistent your dislike of the holiday may be, all anyone is seeing when you do that is “I AM FULL OF BITTERNESS AND JEALOUSY!”
But while you’re at your computer anyway, you may as well start looking up what’s going on in your town tonight.
Why?
Because I promise you that there is at least one Anti-Valentine’s Day singles mixer being held somewhere close enough for you to get to. And let’s face it: you could use the adventure. And as an added bonus: everyone there hates Valentine’s Day as much as you do! You have an instant conversational “in” with everyone there. Now keep in mind: just because it’s an Anti-Valentine’s Day party isn’t an excuse to be the little black raincloud you would normally be at home, so keep the grousing about VDay to a minimum. You need to leave your negativity at home and focus your attention on talking to people, flirting and having fun.
But let’s say that there isn’t one. Well, then it’s up to you to bring the fun. So it’s time to throw a party.
Not a Valentine’s Day party.
No. You’re going to celebrate Horny Werewolf Day. It’s time to celebrate sex and mindless overindulgence.
Now, how you’re going to do this will vary. Personally? I’ve had great success with keeping to the themes of sex and things that are bad for you with Porn and Fried Chicken parties.
(Here is where I lose all of the female readers I’ve accumulated over the last few months.)
The rules to a successful Horny Werewolf Day Porn and Fried Chicken party are simple:
- You want to keep the guy/girl ratio as even as possible. As soon as you have too many dicks on the dance-floor, it goes from being fun to really uncomfortable for a lot of women.
- The porn can be softcore (Skinemax) or hardcore (actual penetration) but it needs to be mainstream; no gonzo porn, no abusive treatment or MaxHardcore stuff. Porn parodies are strongly encouraged, the more hilariously bad, the better. Active mocking of the movies is not just highly encouraged but expected.
- Clothes stay on at all times.
- All doors stay open at all times except for the bathroom.
- If anyone spends more than 5 minutes in the bathroom, everybody at the party is to assume that they know exactly what that person is doing and should pound on the door and shout encouragement as loudly as possible.
- All the food must have minimum redeeming nutritional value.
Now maybe Porn And Fried Chicken doesn’t work for you. Maybe you have moral objections to porn. Maybe your friends just wouldn’t be comfortable with it. That’s fine. You could just as easily substitute in schlock horror, b-grade sci-fi or keeping to a theme with bad romantic comedies1 . You see, the point isn’t the type of party you throw. The point is that you have to take active control of your life.
Any idiot can stay at home and grouse about how much they hate Valentine’s Day and stew in resentment about being single on a day that treats being single like a giant badge of shame. But frankly, sitting around and complaining gets you nowhere. All you’re doing is reinforcing those negative attitudes that are already holding you back. People are attracted to people who have fun because fun is contagious. We like having fun and we like people who help us have fun.
So when you’re single and Valentine’s Day is rolling around, no amount of railing against the commercialization of romance or the manufactured nature of the holiday is going to make a difference. It’s incumbent on you to to make the most out of it. Be the one who can bring the fun to your fellow singletons on the one day of the year it sucks most to be single and who knows… next year you may not be having this problem.
And if nothing else, look at it this way.
February 15th is National Half-Priced Chocolate Day.
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