Don't Be A Creeper Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Avoid Being An Accidental Creeper?

November 26, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

A lot of discussions and articles about creepiness often say many things on what not to do. It starts to feel like “Here are 30,00 ways to not approach or flirt with women, don’t do any of them and you have a chance at not being evil”. And it also gets worse when there are also many things that just MIGHT be creepy, and that’s even worse when you’re not good at reading body language, and it makes any social anxiety or self-doubting you may have get even worse.

So what are some examples of ways to approach and flirt with women that are definitely not creepy?

Creep-Anxious Dude

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: I Made A Mistake. Is It Too Late To Fix It?

November 5, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Greetings Doc,

A small preface about me and my dating history: I am a 27 year old male who has never been in a serious relationship, though have had a few flings last about a month. I am a reasonably handsome and pretty fit guy. I’ve never felt the need to necessarily ‘chase’ women – I’m okay with being alone. If I’m out with my buddies and I talk to a lady, great. If I don’t, great. That being said, for a long time my self-esteem and opinion of myself was pretty low, as well as dealing with a self sustained injury to my genitals left me feeling indifferent to the whole dating scene, until recently (thanks in large part to reading your work). I’ve taken steps like upgrading my wardrobe and taking better care of my body/health (everything works as it should).

A few months ago I asked a girl I work with if she wanted to grab some drinks – it was totally platonic, I had the night off and wanted to get out of the house, and she was game. We continued to casually hang and grab drinks every so often, whenever schedules allowed – we are both bartenders working at the same pub. I knew she had been dating a girl for almost a decade (she identifies as bisexual), and didn’t think anything would necessarily happen – until it did. One night as we were hanging out, we got into a little tickling/roughhousing fight, I picked up some serious signs, and made a move. Again, I was under the impression she was still with her girl at this time, although in the moment she did inform me that they were on a break. Great, I thought. A little fun for me!

Afterwards, working with her continued to be great, no issues, business as usual. We hung out and hooked up again, and at that point she explained what she was looking for: nothing serious, just exploring herself as she figures things out. Here is exactly when I caught some serious feelings.

We continued to go out on dates, having fun, always talking for hours and sharing a lot of laughs. She never checks her phone even though I know it’s being blown up, and always looks great and arrives on time.

One day at work I couldn’t help but notice a fella at the bar took quite the shine to her, and I couldn’t help but notice myself getting very jealous. I felt like it was written on my face and made work awkward, so the next time we went out I felt like I had to apologize. Then the floodgates opened: I basically did everything but propose, venting all my frustrations and unrequited love for her. At the time, it felt like a great weight was lifted. Now, I can’t believe how selfish I was: she’s going through something I can’t imagine, her phone is probably being blown up by her ex, all her girlfriends telling her what she should do, checking in on her, on top of whatever other messages she gets from Tinder or Bumble. My feelings and my problems are my own, not hers. My job should simply be her friend – she’s going through something I can’t imagine and the least I can do is just make her laugh and all.

Working with her continued to be great – no lingering awkwardness, still playfully punching/tickling/poking each other, still with the inside jokes about certain annoying patrons. She texted me that night after the date explaining that she was glad to have had that conversation as adults, and stressed nothing would change.

I let things mellow out for a couple weeks, until last week when I asked her to go bowling. Went great, lots of laughs, grabbed drinks afterwards and hung out all night. Said goodbye with one of my patented big ol’ hugs – the kind where I pick you up with a big bear hug. She always giggles and wraps her legs around me as I squeeze a liiiiiitle bit longer than usual. I felt good after that night, so naturally I had to think and ruin my mood. I notice of late she has been lending her car to a manager of ours who I know doesn’t have one, and is going through a rough patch with his own girlfriend. Obviously I began to think the two of them were an item, which again I felt is/was written all over my face.

I suppose my question is, what do I do? Should I let things calm down for a while/no more dates, and accept the fact I’m back to square one? Should I continue asking her out on dates/hanging when we can? Our schedules make it so that we would only have maybe one day/night off together a week, something she would also know. I should also mention I’ve begun using apps like Youper and Headspace to help process my emotions and have felt much better since starting that.

I feel like I know what answer is right, though hearing it from you would mean a lot more than some bullshit bro-science stuff from my idiot bro friends.

You do incredible work. Any response is greatly appreciated, and I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to read this.

Regards,

Insert Foot (a) Into Mouth Slot (b)

[Read more…]

Post Mortem – Textual Harassment

June 29, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

On occasion, I’ll get a request for advice on a situation that’s more layered and complex than a typical Ask Dr. NerdLove question. These questions typically need a deeper dive into just what went wrong, a sort of exploratory emotional surgury – a dating Post-Mortem if you will. On other occasions, the circumstances require more than just surgery. Sometimes it requires a session with The Chair Leg of Truth.

Listen to the Chair Leg of Truth. It does not lie.

So come up to the lab and see what’s on the slab. It’s time to put on the scrubs and dig into this particular corpse.

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Turn A Friend Down?

June 8, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

A few days back, my girlfriend bumped into someone she knew from school but hadn’t connected to since at the subway stop. They chatted for a bit, and then her train came. To her surprise, the guy got on the train with her despite the fact that it was not going in the direction that he was. During the trip, he mentioned several times how lonely he was, and how bitter and angry that makes him. In school, my girlfriend had been kind to this person after his diagnosis with Aspergers, during which time he shared that he had suicidal tendencies. Now, she’s worried that he doesn’t have anyone with whom he can share these feelings. Other than a mutual appreciation of the same TV series, they don’t have anything in common.

This evening, the person sent my girlfriend an email asking to go to a movie together. On one hand, she feels like she has a responsibility to help someone so obviously in need of companionship. On the other, she has no interest in spending any more time with the guy, and has neither the time or energy to become this person’s emotional support system, because she’ll be starting an intensive program in Engineering soon. She doesn’t want to agree to one meeting and give the impression that she wants to be his BFF, but she doesn’t want the guilt of ghosting him or turning him down and later learning that he had hurt himself or others. He doesn’t seem to take hints very well, or he wouldn’t have followed her home.

Should she give him the one hang out he wants, or should she find a way to turn him down gently? She wants my advice, but I don’t know what to say.

What About Bob?

[Read more…]

Episode #77 – This Is What Makes You Creepy

May 24, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

What is it that makes one person creepy and another person attractive? Why do some men set off women’s Spidey-sense while other men can do the exact same things and be perfectly fine?

Guys – especially ones who aren’t the most socially well-calibrated – worry a lot about being creepy by accident. They worry that being a creeper, even if it’s entirely unintentional – will start be the start of a long process that begins with being called creepy and eventually leads to their dying alone in a cave because they’ve been kicked out of all society, everywhere. But what is it that can cause even seemingly perfectly normal behavior to make people feel uncomfortable… and how can you avoid it?

Show Highlights: