Don't Be A Creeper Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Creeping Out Women?

July 8, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I knew this woman through Twitter last year, we share the same favorite TV show and I want to live in her part of the world, I’m studying her language. We communicated through Twitter throughout the year, liking each other’s tweets and learning about our lives from it.

Things started to change last month, when she’s started ignoring my comments and questions, even though we still had some chats and I still received her likes. Things got worse with every passing week, and tonight I couldn’t take it anymore, I DMed her, asking if I had done something wrong.

Yes, she said. She said we seemed to have different thoughts on our relationship, and she didn’t like it that I added her on other social media besides Twitter. Turns out we also have different cultures – in my culture acquaintances easily add each other on Facebook, in her culture it’s reserved for close friends.

The good news is she didn’t block me and we are still mutuals on Twitter. The bad news is she asked me to step back because I was being too intense.

Turns out I still repeat the same mistake I did in college. Two friends I liked literally running away from me and I didn’t understand what’s going on – no touch, no lewd talk, but it happened. We remained friends, but I had scared them away. Another love interest ghosted me, and when we had a chance meeting, I was so lucky she prevented the store assistant from calling the police as I was weeping inside the store.

Some people have asked me to dial it down when chasing a woman, and I thought I’ve got it, especially now I write column for a feminist website. Turns out I’ve made lives miserable for both me and another person because of my bad habit.

My question is, how does I control my intensity? How can I attract a woman better without scaring her? How can I win her trust gradually? How can I differentiate between being caring & supportive and being overbearing?

Thank you,
Too Intense

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Understanding the Hot/Creepy Matrix (Or: The Hot Celebrity Exception)

May 27, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Everyone has their guilty pleasures: things that they do that they would probably refuse to admit to in public. I mean, I don’t, but that’s mostly because I had my sense of guilt surgically removed in 2006, but, y’know. Everyone else does.

And that’s between you and your Google history, chief

One of the closest things I have to a guilty pleasure is the relationships.txt twitter feed. Having the best – or at least, most what-and-I-can’t-stress-this-enough-the-FUCK – parts of Reddit delivered to my Twitter timeline on a regular basis gives me my daily dose of both rage and reassurance that I will never be out of work. Plus on occasion, there’s a story that serves as a prime example of some of the things I warn people about.

And then there’re stories that in and of themselves are interesting… but it’s the reactions they provoke that are more interesting.

Such is the case of the Jailbait Birthday Creeper.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: What Do I Do About A “Missing Stair”?

April 3, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I have a bit of an ongoing issue with someone who I think is a ‘missing stair’. About a year and a half ago, I met this guy through a sports team I’m in and we became acquainted but not close. He had a reputation as a ‘gutter-punk’ type who’d steal your cigarettes or crash on your couch, but he seemed to have outgrown it by this point.

I became aware of some gigs he was co-organising being cancelled as accusations of sexual assault came to light. By the end of the next day, multiple women had mentioned having similar experiences with the guy. A friend and I in the sports team contacted our management who recommended he step back, but felt they couldn’t expel him as the accusations were accusations only.

A few months later, I started dating a person who is friends with this guy’s girlfriend. My girlfriend doesn’t trust him either, but feels that if he is abusive that it would be unfair to abandon her friend who may need support should it transpire this guy is the liar and (frankly) rapist that he’s reported to be. And I agree. I think this guy’s girlfriend has (at best) bought into his sketchy excuses or (at worst) can’t leave due to some kind of duress and might need people in her corner.

As a result, I’ve encountered this guy socially a few times. He’s aware I reported him and I’ve made him fully aware that I can’t ever trust him again and not to read me being civil as friendship, but he continues to try and brute-force his way back into my good graces. Some friends have had the confidence to tell him exactly how unwelcome he is (which has ended in physical altercations in some cases) but with me he seems to engineer situations where if I blew up at him, or even enforced firm boundaries, I’d be the one turning a ‘civil chat’ into drama and ruining evenings. It feels awful every time.

Every time my partner and I acknowledge him, we both feel awful and feel like we’re betraying other people we know who end up in tears or fits of rage when this guy shows his face. I feel like I’m enabling the missing stair, but can’t think of what to do that wouldn’t turn into a screaming match or worse, especially as his girlfriend, who is an otherwise pleasant person, is very defensive about the situation.

We’re not in any other contact and I’ve blocked him on social media, but short of leaving town, I don’t know what to do about this guy and feel like scum for every time he’s wheedled me into tolerating him. This guy’s needled me into hugging him before and the thought makes me wretch. My heart sinks when I hear his voice. What do you think, Doc?

Cheers,
Carpenter In Training

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Tell My Girlfriend About My Kink?

March 27, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

(Doctor’s Note: Hey NerdLovers, I came down with a hellacious case of con crud after ECCC and I’m only about 60% recovered at the moment. Since I couldn’t get a new episode of the podcast out this week, y’all are getting a bonus column, with the possibility of a quick and dirty podcast episode by Friday. We’ll see. Meanwhile… enjoy!)

Hey Doc,

I have an unusual fetish. I’m a straight guy and still a virgin due to shyness and approach anxiety and since I was at least 17, I’ve noticed I have a tickling fetish. The idea of being consensually bound and tickled mercilessly by hot women, or me consensual tickling a hot, bound, ticklish women, or women gleefully do it to each other while permitting me to watch, (all of these activities with safe words and breaks) excites me like little else in the bedroom. I have ZERO idea why, and I’ve embraced this quirky fetish as an inherent part of my sexuality.

That being said, I’m a little insecure about it. First off, it’s not something I typically picture doing with a committed romantic partner, it’s more something I see doing with a casual sex partner. I’m honestly afraid to ask for it if I end up in a sexual situation with someone, as thought of tickling typically brings back terrible childhood memories (it does for me to, but I’m able to separate those memories from what I know seek to enjoy as a consenting adult.)

Every time the subject comes up on mainstream news sites or social media, 90% of the reaction (from men and women alike) seems to be how it’s such a creepy fetish to have.

So I’m honestly wary of bringing it up or pursuing it, and most BDSM networking sites intimidate me, and I’ve noticed the sites geared toward connecting people with this specific fetish are always huge sausage fests, where women’s personals get thousands of replies whereas straight men’s personals get zero. Is that much of a deal breaker? Is it a mark against me personally? Should I ask for it or just forget it and just accept that it will just remain a fantasy? How should I even ask for it?

Sincerely,
Insecurity Is No Laughing Matter

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do I Keep Getting Shut Out?

March 4, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I was wondering if you had any advice on getting to create one on one time with girls I like and am attracted to, especially when group dynamics and petty drama comes into play.

I’m a pretty nerdy guy but well put together enough that I’m not awkward. Because of this I come across the same problem in most of the nerdy circles I’m in constantly. I get left out or cut out of conversations involving any attractive girl in the group or one of her extended friends. Concurrently, for some events I’m not even invited because I apparently rocked the boat too much or cause a disturbance within the force.

Also for girls in general I sometimes get interrupted by her friends who don’t have anything malicious against me as a person, but I always get stuck with these bullshit reasons.

1. “You two don’t look good together”
2. “This other guy who I approve of likes her/called dibs first”
3. “I’m jealous of the attention she gets so I’m gonna ruin your time.”
4. “I’m just super nosy and want to know every detail” (I refuse to tell because I value personal conversation and they start getting mad at me)
5. I get interrogated about my personal life even though I tell them I’m uncomfortable talking about my family to a stranger, let alone a massive nosy gossip.

I actually talked to some of my friends (my closer and more honest ones) about this, male and female, concerned if I did some shit that made them uncomfortable or if I pissed them off by accident.

Most of them literally said that nothing was wrong, but this guy or that guy didn’t like you talking to the girl he liked, so he didn’t want to invite you. Or this girl doesn’t want you there flirting with her friend because she ships her with someone else. Or the more unattractive girl (in my eyes) likes you so she keeps intervening when you talk to her friend. Girls are competitive that way.

Other cases I have had guys try to keep me from meeting a new girl when they try to join the club or social group. Like literal usher them away when they hear I’m nearby and that leaves a bad impression of me. Girls who I meet later tell me they thought I was creepy from the way guys acted around me but actually think I’m pretty nice.

Then soon after the girl at some point disappears because one of the guys pulled nice guy tactics and confess to her. Some of the guys don’t take rejection lightly. (Also, I try contacting them because I usually get her number, but up until that point I realize we never really had much one on one interactions and she is still uncomfortable enough around me that she doesn’t want to hangout one on one.)

Its honestly petty as hell, and it’s difficult for me because we are all single and I’m not trying to be the nuisance in the room. I’ve tried going outside my social circles to date, but I sometimes don’t click with some of the girls I meet and in my search for some common ground to talk about they can tell I’m trying to flirt or get to know them so they are on guard. In comparison to when we have common interests and have a reason to interact with each other because of the club or organization we are in.

But how am I supposed to get a girlfriend and date when I can’t even get much of an opportunity to have a more personal conversation. It feel like a loop because when I ask for a one on one hangout they usually say we haven’t really talked to each other before so they are uncomfortable. And I can’t do that with these nice guys and their nosy friends around.

And don’t get me wrong the guys are overall good people but I dislike they way they go about things and tolerate bullshit from each other. I try calling things out sometimes and get told to let it go or I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. I can empathize, but I can’t tolerate the shit. What am I supposed to do, lie down and stay quiet until they all get girlfriends.

-Shut Out at the Gate

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