Hi Doc,

I was wondering if you had any advice on getting to create one on one time with girls I like and am attracted to, especially when group dynamics and petty drama comes into play.

I’m a pretty nerdy guy but well put together enough that I’m not awkward. Because of this I come across the same problem in most of the nerdy circles I’m in constantly. I get left out or cut out of conversations involving any attractive girl in the group or one of her extended friends. Concurrently, for some events I’m not even invited because I apparently rocked the boat too much or cause a disturbance within the force.

Also for girls in general I sometimes get interrupted by her friends who don’t have anything malicious against me as a person, but I always get stuck with these bullshit reasons.

1. “You two don’t look good together”
2. “This other guy who I approve of likes her/called dibs first”
3. “I’m jealous of the attention she gets so I’m gonna ruin your time.”
4. “I’m just super nosy and want to know every detail” (I refuse to tell because I value personal conversation and they start getting mad at me)
5. I get interrogated about my personal life even though I tell them I’m uncomfortable talking about my family to a stranger, let alone a massive nosy gossip.

I actually talked to some of my friends (my closer and more honest ones) about this, male and female, concerned if I did some shit that made them uncomfortable or if I pissed them off by accident.

Most of them literally said that nothing was wrong, but this guy or that guy didn’t like you talking to the girl he liked, so he didn’t want to invite you. Or this girl doesn’t want you there flirting with her friend because she ships her with someone else. Or the more unattractive girl (in my eyes) likes you so she keeps intervening when you talk to her friend. Girls are competitive that way.

Other cases I have had guys try to keep me from meeting a new girl when they try to join the club or social group. Like literal usher them away when they hear I’m nearby and that leaves a bad impression of me. Girls who I meet later tell me they thought I was creepy from the way guys acted around me but actually think I’m pretty nice.

Then soon after the girl at some point disappears because one of the guys pulled nice guy tactics and confess to her. Some of the guys don’t take rejection lightly. (Also, I try contacting them because I usually get her number, but up until that point I realize we never really had much one on one interactions and she is still uncomfortable enough around me that she doesn’t want to hangout one on one.)

Its honestly petty as hell, and it’s difficult for me because we are all single and I’m not trying to be the nuisance in the room. I’ve tried going outside my social circles to date, but I sometimes don’t click with some of the girls I meet and in my search for some common ground to talk about they can tell I’m trying to flirt or get to know them so they are on guard. In comparison to when we have common interests and have a reason to interact with each other because of the club or organization we are in.

But how am I supposed to get a girlfriend and date when I can’t even get much of an opportunity to have a more personal conversation. It feel like a loop because when I ask for a one on one hangout they usually say we haven’t really talked to each other before so they are uncomfortable. And I can’t do that with these nice guys and their nosy friends around.

And don’t get me wrong the guys are overall good people but I dislike they way they go about things and tolerate bullshit from each other. I try calling things out sometimes and get told to let it go or I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. I can empathize, but I can’t tolerate the shit. What am I supposed to do, lie down and stay quiet until they all get girlfriends.

-Shut Out at the Gate

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