Hi Dr. NerdLove,
First of all, thanks a lot for all the content that put out there. It’s really a treasure to have a person like you on the web when majority of dating advice on the Internet is just a single step away from turning into something worse and manipulative.
Now to the question, a bit about myself – I’m 22 (almost 23) years old and I’ve been trying to work on myself, getting my life in order, quitting bad habits, and taking up the courage to be more social. I only came to realization, recently, that I fall under the spectrum of this anxious attachment thing, and I’ve been trying to get a hold of it, trying to give people some space. I realize I’m doing exactly opposite with the questions like “how do I approach women”, right, as if I looking at them like a monolith and somehow they needed to be approached differently than the random men that I come around the day. And I really don’t, it’s that with men, they’ll usually be doing something related and I can play on that to ask “what’s that thing”, and to the next, “it’s bit cloudy or sunny”, then to next “so how was your day”, and so on. With women, even with similar situation, I’ve seen them giving side eyes, “mean look”, or straight up ignoring. At some level, I understand why they do that, guys trying to pick them up, hit on them. Not that my question doesn’t eventually land up in the same category, but it’d be just awesome to get to know people in general but especially women as I don’t have many female friends besides classmates and general acquaintances, say neighbor or something. Basically I want to get to know people.
So the thing is, everyday I have to drop my younger brother to his coaching class in the evening and as the place is bit far, going back and fro to home is not a good idea. So, I decided I’ll drop him off to his class and spend sometime in a park nearby. Now I sit around, with earphones plugged to my ears, music on. Sometimes, I sit idly, waiting and observing things in the park, and obviously, people as well. I see people I want to talk to, they’d be random men, women. It’s easier when they’re holding or wearing something unique or eye catching and you’re actually curious about it, but how about when there’s just nothing you can catch your eyes on but you still want to talk? Can’t be like, “you are cute”, I’m straight but I should try that to get some ball rolling with men as well, then can I be comfortable saying it to women, but also to ones who sometimes I may actually be attracted to? I don’t know, I’ll make it weird for everyone, or be that weirdo in the park that people will gossip about, God help me.
But honestly, how do I “approach” approaching the right way, keeping in mind, the social context? But I don’t know how should I pick it better. What do you do when they’re in a group or just with a friend talking? It’d be rude to approach them then, I’d be surely ruining their good chit-chat, hey what’s this rando doing here?
Just framing it as “approaching women” sort of question instead of “how do you approach women but also, people in general”, this framing somehow feels like I see women as something other than “people”, or I don’t know any better way to frame it. Meanwhile, it’ll draw more men looking for the same to better answer from you who may just not be as receptive to basic gender neutral social norm. But who am I lying to, I’m looking for some love and connection, and this should not be the way I find that. How about going back to meeting and getting to know, and date people through a mutual friend, that’s it. I need to widen my friend circle. Help, I’m out of words.
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