online dating Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

I Want A Relationship. So Why Don’t They Make Me Happy?

October 26, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doctor,

Thanks for all the work you do! I have a question I’ve been pondering for a while now, and it is how on earth I figure out what I want. Because I can’t. And I have been trying very, very hard.

Professionally I’m all set (in my very early 30s, got all the opportunities anyone could ever ask for), my family is amazing and supportive and drama free (mostly very far away, but that’s about the only complaint I have) and my friends are beyond awesome. My life is already as close to perfect as it gets in this world, and sometimes I wonder how on earth I could possibly get even more lucky and find the perfect relationship to top it all off. Because that would seem like having my cake and eating it. And I can’t help but suspect that nobody really gets to do that.

Thing is, I don’t even know if I want a relationship. I’m content and I have a lot of challenging things to work towards. I have all the emotional support I want, mostly thanks to your awesome writing on developing emotional intimacy with people that I have no interest in seeing romantically. Seriously, it’s like someone gave you a cheat code for life. So I see very little benefit in relationships.

Whenever I am seeing someone romantically, it takes about a month before I crave being on my own again because I get to do whatever I like, whenever it pleases me. This was a bit more pertinent before that thing everybody is talking about because I would travel a lot, privately and professionally. That’s off the cards for now, but the feeling is the same even when there are no real opportunities I am missing out on. Somehow, whenever I am dating someone, time to myself becomes incredibly valuable and time spent with them bores me. So I end things. And I hurt people doing that, which I hate. But staying with them would be terribly unfair to them because I’d be faking it.

Then I am relieved and single again and content. And then I start to wonder if maybe I am missing out on something and start dating again and so the cycle goes. But I never have the connections with people I date that I have with my friends, and so I leave. Again. And then I start to wonder. Again.

Hell, I even went to see a psychologist about this (among other things) and they said some stuff about avoidant attachment that sounded sort of true but also a bit generic, kind of like a horoscope.

Any advice?

Is What You Want What You Need?

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How Can I Tell If Someone’s Leading Me On?

July 15, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I (27M) met this woman on Bumble a few months ago. We met each other in person for a low-key meeting to see if we vibe together, and we certainly did. We had similar interests, shared values (which is pretty rare in the rural southern place I live). There was one big problem: that meeting happened a few days before the COVID-19 lockdown. Obviously, we weren’t able to go on any real dates after that.

We kept texting throughout it, but it slowed down, because she works at a hospital lab, and she volunteered to process the COVID-19 tests, and we live in a state that was hit particularly hard. I figured “fine, these are unprecedented times, dating is definitely going to be different, that pre-relationship anxiety of ‘oh god, am I doing something wrong’ is going to be extended by default.” I’ve heard about how much stress medical workers go through, and the fact that she’s doing the tests means she’s definitely at risk of exposure to the virus, and she mentioned that she lives with her high-risk father.

So I figured that her being slow to reply to text messages was a pretty normal thing, since she was diligent in replying to text messages eventually, and she gave pretty substantial replies, and we would even have deep conversations sometimes. I would suggest FaceTiming/remotely watching a movie, she mentioned not having a lot of time. Once, we eventually talked on the phone, we talked for two hours, I was really happy, she sounded really happy. A bit later, she apologized about how she was dodging my invitations to talk or video call, and mentioned what I suspected, that she was really busy and stressed. I didn’t think much of it, until a couple of weeks later, my friends told me that I seem to be obsessing over this, that this is clearly causing me anxiety, that they think she’s unintentionally leading me on, not being upfront about what she wants.

And now this is making me think, is she? So how do I proceed?

Thank you.

On The Back Burner

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Episode #138 — Love, Sex and Dating During Quarantine

April 8, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

The COVID-19 pandemic doesn’t mean that your love life has to be put on hold. In fact, relationships are more important than ever. People are still meeting, dating and even falling in love during social distancing. The coronavirus pandemic has forced us to think about dating in new and different ways. In this replay of the live workshop, Dr. NerdLove will talk about how dating has changed, how we can change with it and how the current crisis has the potential to make us more desirable dates, better lovers and incredible partners.

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How Do You Date After Divorce?

February 21, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I was with my soon to be ex-wife for 8 years (married for 2), until she left me last Christmas!

It was one of those slightly annoying ‘no-fault’ separations, we’d been struggling on and off and one day she just didn’t want to keep trying anymore! But after the initial shock I’ve been dealing pretty well.

I’ve been honest with myself, done a bit of reflecting and I can see where we both made mistakes, and that there were some pretty bad personality and interest mismatches that we both were trying to patch over unsuccessfully with work, furniture, houses, cars etc.

I’ve spent the time since she left working on myself and deciding what I want from life, reconnecting with friends, picking old hobbies up again and I’m surprised by how positive it’s been for me. But one thing that’s bothering me a bit is that most dating advice for divorced people seems to be aimed at guys who are 40+ with kids!

While I’m not rushing out to find the next girl just yet, I’m 29 and in reasonable shape, so still (just about) young enough to go clubbing and not be shunned by the crowd in the local Uni town!

However, I also am slightly worried that most younger women I meet are going to be seriously put off by the fact that I’m separated at 29.

I guess I’m wondering if you have any specific advice for younger guys who are divorced/separated and returning to dating after years off? I’m fairly social but my ‘dating skills’ are rusty and the idea of telling someone new I’m separated makes me pretty anxious, but I’m also aware that not telling them and then it coming out months later would be way worse. I don’t know if it’s just me, but it feels kind of like saying I got an ‘F’ in relationships!

Any advice would be appreciated, I love the podcast and YT channel, I wish I’d had it ten years ago!

Thanks,

Suddenly Single

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ASK DR. NERDLOVE: How Do You Take the Perfect Tinder Photo?

January 8, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I’m answering your most important dating questions! If you have a question about love, sex or dating, then be sure to leave a comment. Maybe the next question I answer will be yours!

This week: What are the best pictures for dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, Bumble and OKCupid? And how can guys look more photogenic and get more matches?