online dating Archives

Why Is It So Hard To Meet A Good Man?

November 15, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I’m a 29 year old woman who is really struggling to get into a relationship. I have tried so many things, and I just don’t know where to go from here. I have a good job, a few great relatives, and some fantastic friends. I’m not unhappy, but I would really like a partner.

I have asked multiple people if they know any single guys, only to hear they don’t. You can only ask someone so many times if they know anyone single, before it becomes desperate. If they say they don’t know anyone, there’s nothing you can do with that.

I have gone to tons of Meetup events, but those don’t seem to ever have single guys around my age, and for the past year or so, Meetup has been dead due to COVID. Heck, I’ve tried all kinds of things in the past, from a running club, to indoor rock climbing, to volleyball. I’ve also done volunteer work for a local wildlife conservation group. I’m not sure why, but men in their 20s and 30s don’t seem to join these things. Either it’s a lot of women, or it’s men in their 50s and up.

Thankfully, things have started to open back up some, and I have joined a Dungeons and Dragons group, run by a couple. The couple is pretty introverted, and they have young kids, so they don’t know a lot of people. There are two other guys in the group. One is married, the other I am not attracted to. Please know that there is nothing wrong the guy I’m not attracted to, and he’s a great person, but I want to be with someone that I also like physically.

Everyone tells me to try online dating, and in fairness, I do know multiple people that have met their partner online. I have tried multiple dating sites/apps over the years, including Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match.com, and, most recently, OkCupid.

Match.com was probably the worst site. I was on there for a year, and didn’t even go on one second date, which has not been the case on the other sites. It was a horrible experience that really lowered my self esteem. Not only was the site filled with bots, but when I would meet someone, a lot of the people I met were really rude. I can’t tell you how many people from Match could barely say hello, or make eye contact. One person had a chart of dates they had been on, which made me feel like I was part of some survey I’d never signed up for. Another person tried to take my picture without my consent, and was just genuinely creepy.

OkCupid has been the best site, in that the people I’ve met from there have mostly been polite, and fun to talk with, but aside from a few second dates, nothing goes anywhere. I was ghosted by someone who seemed like a great person, and I have no idea why. Online dating makes me feel really bad about myself in ways no other social event does. Like I have friends, and I can get along well with others, but online dating makes me feel like a reject. I often get the impression a lot of guys just use dating apps because they are bored, not because they want to genuinely meet someone. Maybe that’s not true for older guys, but I think it is for guys in their 20s.

The best option I think I have right now is a game shop I found last month, that just opened back up to holding in person game nights. The shop holds a weekly Dungeons and Dragons game for new players, and it’s been really fun, and tends to attract a variety of people. Heck, the store itself seems to have a lot of guys around my age, so I’m hopeful it might be a way to meet someone.

I have read multiple dating advice books, along with tons of articles, listened to podcasts, and watched videos. At this point, I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Thank you for reading this. I’ll leave you with my three questions:

1. Have your other readers had bad experiences with Match.com? I really can’t stress how horrible that site was, from the clunky layout, to the bots, to the downright rude people. Like I said, no other site was that bad.

2. Is there a way to succeed at online dating? Should I try more than one app? I’ve only been using OkCupid. Should I try POF, or Hinge? Is there an app geared towards serious guys who want a relationship? I just turned 29….would someone in their 30s be more mature/relationship minded?

3. Are there any places that you think would be good to meet guys? The game shop seems good so far. Any other ideas?

Any help is appreciated. Thank you!

Looking For Groups

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How Do I Date When I’m Not Attracted To Other People?

October 22, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,
I’m currently struggling with dating (who would have thought) and specifically with how i could meet someone that I can form a romantic connection with.

I’m a 24 Year old Dude, never been in a relationship, never been on a date, helpless as to why I’ve only ever gotten negative response, blabla, millions of words of advice on your site and others. What I think makes my case a bit weird is that I take a very long time to become attracted to someone. I need to know the person first, and then I could maybe think about romantic attraction.

So far, when looking at dating advice the main thing seems to be “be upfront and immediately communicate what you want” as well as “just be yourself, do your thing, and you will meet someone”. Both of which don’t work for me. I can’t immediately communicate, because I honestly don’t know at that point, and being myself over the last years has proven to not work. I have a lot of very sweet, very nice friends who are women that I wouldn’t want to be without, but that the lack of having a girlfriend is starting to become more of a problem for me over time.

I’ve asked women out occasionally, asked someone to dance in a club, tried online dating because the intentions are clearer when you meet through a dedicated meetup-space. Things like sports clubs and common interests or common friend groups also have not led to any success so far. (that is: success in terms of finding dates).

My question boils down to: how do I meet women to be potentially attracted to if I am slow to be attracted and unlucky in my usual social circles?

Thanks for providing so much insight, hope to hear from you,

Slow Ride

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How Do I Avoid Getting Ghosted on Dating Apps?

October 18, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc, I’ve found your advice for online dating really helpful recently, and this situation has me stumped.

I matched with this lady online and we hit it off well! But when I asked her if she’d want to meet up in person, she said she won’t be able to for over a month or so as she needs to revise. We’re still talking for now and she seems keen to meet, it doesn’t seem like excuse. But we’ve only been talking for a week and it seems like a relatively long time in advance to plan and to be patient for, but mostly I’m concerned we’ll lose that ‘emotional momentum‘ you’ve mentioned in previous posts, or that there’ll be expectations or assumptions built up over time.

Do you think there’s a way around this?

Newton’s First Law

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The Surprising Secret to Getting Dates on Dating Apps

October 13, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

As someone who’s been active on the Internet since 1994 — before there was a World Wide Web, even — I’ve seen a lot of changes over time. Few, however, have been as significant as the way that online dating has changed. I have seen things you wouldn’t believe. Spring Street Personals, shared across Salon and The Onion. Paying to send messages and buying “roses” to send instead of likes, winks and pokes. I watched major dating sites become infested with zombie accounts and new ones populated entirely with fake profiles and bots.

Screenshot of Roy Batty during the "Tears in the Rain" speech — All these moments will be lost in time, like AngelFire servers in the rain…

People’s approach to online dating has changed as well, especially as the rise of the swipe apps have taken over. Tinder may have helped bring online dating into the mainstream, it also changed the game. While the swipe-right/swipe-left mechanic has increased engagement, it’s also changed how people relate to dating apps… and the way people use them. However, while the apps may have changed, people’s misconceptions about online dating have remained stubbornly the same. In fact, their frustration has only increased, in no small part because the way people use dating apps is increasingly counter-productive.

Quite frankly, the people who use the apps the most are using them wrong. In fact, those misconceptions about how online dating works and the swipe mechanic coincide to make it harder to meet people.

However, the core reason why people struggle with dating apps comes from a very common mistake. The folks who have the most success with online dating understand a core truth that others don’t. If you want to actually get matches, responses and dates on the apps, then you need to make one simple change…

Get off the apps!

Surprise!

“What the actual *fuck* are you on about, Doc?”

As absurd as this sounds, getting off the apps and out into the world will turbocharge your dating life and improve your results from Tinder, Hinge and more.

Sound strange? Well, let’s talk about what people get wrong about online dating… and how to fix it.

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Why Is She Good Enough to Flirt With, But Not Good Enough to Date?

September 20, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi, Doc!

I (F, straight, cis, 29) am really fucking furious about something and I think I need a guy with lots of male-female insight to talk me off the ledge.

In a therapy session last night with my AMAZING sex therapist (whom I decided to start seeing a few months ago to work out some hangups I had about racial identity, body image, and sexuality), we sort of came to a bummer of a conclusion about a consistent dating hiccup I have.

Basically, I run into this problem where I’ll meet a guy, we’ll be flirty and friendly and I think maybe it could go somewhere, and then as soon as I make any sort of half-move beyond benign flirtation, he backs off with lightning speed. It’s really uncanny. And very disappointing and frustrating.

After recounting my most recent experience with this behavior and explaining how insane it is that this keeps happening and how it’s really starting to weigh on me, I wondered aloud if it could have anything to do with the fact that many of the guys in my social circles are White and I’m Black (biracial, actually), and on top of that, I’m fat (actually the national average, but that’s considered fat by cultural standards). I posited that these guys don’t even see me as a viable romantic option at all, just a “non-threatening” female that they can get something from without putting in any effort themselves–someone they don’t have to try with. Considering some of my male “friends” (I use the term loosely because of what I’m about to explain) are actually in relationships or married and still flirt with me and conveniently omit any mention of their partners when we spend time together (always platonically; I would never start something with a guy in a relationship), this seems like it could definitely be the reason. Their partners, if they did find out how these men talk to me (definitely in a way they wouldn’t interact with male friends), probably wouldn’t like it if I were a conventionally attractive White woman, but because I look the way I look they deem their flirtation harmless and safe.

I should also say that it’s not particularly difficult to find men who want to have sex with me, but as soon as anything more than that is on the table they put their hands up and back away like I might permanently injure them. Anyway, my therapist, who is also a Black woman, agreed that all of the above is totally a realistic possibility. I think hearing that from someone who looks like me, and not just a platitude of “No, you’re amazing, any guy would be lucky to have you, I honestly don’t understand why guys aren’t tripping over themselves and each other to get to you” (which I hear a lot from my female friends who don’t looks like me), was simultaneously refreshing and very depressing.

The thing is, there’s a PERSON on the other end of that flirtation. I think I’m pretty good at discerning the difference between casual flirting and something more pointed, and the times I’ve tried to nudge things in a more romantic direction have been the latter. I don’t think I’m hopeless at reading cues. These guys like getting attention from me and seem to enjoy my company. Until I indicate that I might actually want something from them, and then they WITHOUT FAIL gaslight me into thinking there was absolutely no flirtation or intent on their end. (I should say that the gaslighting happens when I call them out on it, which I don’t do often because every time I have I get the exact same shady-ass response. And, by the way, I have witnesses who attest to these guys’ flirtatious behavior.)

I hope what I’ve outlined so far is comprehensible. I’m clearly a ball of angry, anxious, sad, lonely energy. I don’t even know if I have a question, but I’d love to hear your take on why men do this and whether you think I’m totally crazy for being so fucking over it all. I’m so sick of being treated like my feelings don’t matter, and then being told that the things I’m feeling were based on nothing to begin with. I’m a writer by profession, so maybe I just need to write a book about this or something so people will believe me and maybe even start holding men more accountable. I don’t know. I feel like my anger about this is making me bitter and less open to the men who I’m sure do exist out there who would be open to–or even thrilled!–to date me. I don’t want to close myself off to them, but experiencing this same exciting-then-ultimately-disappointing interaction over and over is really starting to break me.

Thanks in advance,
Black Ladies Have Feelings Too

P.S. My amazing sex therapist also brought up the good point that it would be worth expanding my social circles, and I agree. That said, I’m stuck in my city for work and obviously the pandemic has put a damper on major socializing efforts. I do have a very diverse group of friends, but our industry is pretty overwhelmingly White and image-conscious. (Can you guess which industry I’m talking about?) I also don’t date using apps anymore because I have done that a TON in the past and I’m burnt out; plus, they’re super racist and that makes me feel very icky and I’m allowed to choose to avoid situations that make me feel that way.

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