Dear Dr. NerdLove:
After a few years of non-dating, I (F, mid-30s from Denmark) bumped into this awesome British guy (M, mid-30s) and we just hit it off. It was one of those meetings that lasted 6-7 hours. We shared laughter, life stories, bad jokes, what we do for living (without overdoing it), shared pictures of family members (without going into details) and friends… it seemed effortless as if it was a marathon of several dates in the same time. He was even very honest about a job interview that he was invited to, a job located in London. At the end of the date, he told me that he would get in touch with me after his job interview to set up a new date if I was interested. I thought,”why not?” Nothing was settled in terms of job. And so he did. A week later, he came over for dinner and second date was just as fun and enjoyable. He mentioned about how the interview went, but I found it difficult to have the conversation. Partly because I don’t know him well enough to have an opinion, but of course I want to be supportive. London is fab. I use to live and work in London, so I totally understand him. But a part of me also felt bummed out about the whole situation. How far should we take this when he was leaving.
After the second date, he texted me that he got the job in London. I was happy for him and stayed cool. It was a bittersweet announcement. After a while, I thought why not just be an adult and I told him how I felt about the situation – we had an honest conversation, even though it was on a early stage to have that kind of serious talk. I wouldn’t have initiated it if he was staying, but he was not. That kind of made the decision for him not to get too engaged in that short of time that was left. But if he was staying, it would have been different. He was very emotional about it. So I told him that there was no pressure. If he wanted to see me fantastic, if he wanted to texted me after settling in London, he should feel free to do so. And if not, then I wished him the best of luck and that life would treat him well. I got an unexpectedly positive response to it. I quote “Thank you for your support and honesty. It’s a good quality in someone. I find it so sweet and mature of you. That is why I think you’re good egg. And it is a breath of fresh air” (followed by 3 emojis with heart eyes)
I saw him today just for a short moment. I tried to be neutral and smiley but avoided eye contact. I could see it was difficult for him as well. It was painful to see the sadness in his eyes because it should be an exciting time for him. He asked if we could catch up before him leaving permanently so he could say goodbye properly.
I don’t know what to feel – it has been a rollercoaster of mixed feelings; hope, happiness, sadness, anxiety, stress and that is just me … and I keep telling myself that I should not feel like this way. I understand that he cannot deal with any emotionally attachments when he has lots of things going on (the fact that he is in between two jobs, arrange a safe transaction from one country to another during pandemic, etc.) I want to be priority too, and that will be difficult when he is busy and stressed about moving abroad, the flights are running irregularly, test and isolation, finding a place to stay, etc.
But the selfish part of me wants more at some point. Is it possible? Yes, if both people are dedicated and that they have known each other for a while. I visit London often, both for work and pleasure. And it is even quicker and easier for me to travel to London than crossing Denmark. But we don’t know each other that well….
I don’t want to seem needy, or annoy the guy who is emotional at the moment even though he asked me to come visit, twice (it’s difficult to tell if the British mean this or just being polite). He has spend most of his adult life in DK, now he is going back home to built a new life and identity. Being supportive by giving space and stay incommunicado
Everything about him seems honest and decent. He keeps promises, and you can tell a lot about a person over texting (full sentences, long messages with emojis, being honest about his feelings, sharing great news like a new job) He said the same to me and wondered why we haven’t met earlier though we live quite close based on the good vibe and chemistry we had.
I don’t know if it’s just because I haven’t been dating in a long time, or I get attached to quickly, have I misunderstood something because it is too good to be true… but I would love someone from the outside to give a qualified opinion.
We both want to settle (yeah, before he was offered a job). He has been married before and he’d gotten divorced three years ago. Currently we live in Copenhagen, not too far away from each other. He has less then a month left in DK. He had been in a long distance relationship with someone in London. But it didn’t work out due to Covid. So he has had his share of bad relationships too. Honestly I don’t care about demography and geography if you share the same values and mindset.
International Love Affair