There’s nothing quite like sex to set every man’s anxieties on overdrive.
Men are competitive about everything. If a guy is into a subject or a hobby, he wants to believe that he is the master of it – if not of the world, than at least amongst his friends. Whether it’s cooking, grilling, video games or random geek trivia, every guy out there wants to be seen as the definitive expert, the number one guy.
When you throw sex into the equation however, it goes from a matter of competition and braggadocio to one of desperation and ego. It’s one thing when you have the highest kill/death ratio of your Call of Duty clan and you’re competing with anonymous drones who are nothing but meat for your cannons.
When it comes to sleeping with beautiful women, it’s no longer about getting your name at the top of the high scores list in the hopes of impressing your friends. It’s about making your mark. It’s about impressing her and all of her friends. You’re not competing with faceless nobodies: you’re now competing with every guy she’s ever slept with. Every guy she has ever gushed about to her girlfriends the next day. Every guy she’s Facebook friends with. You want to be the acknowledged master of her pleasure, the one that nobody will ever be able to surpass.
But just as no plan survives contact with the enemy, no fantasy survives contact with actual flesh. You may think that it’s going to be all candlelight and soft lens filters1 but when it’s time to bang, sometimes things go wrong. Maybe you say something wrong or maybe it’s just a case of you can’t quite perform the way you were hoping to.
Don’t panic. Just because things don’t go as planned doesn’t mean that you can’t recover from them… and even make sex better than ever.
5) Coming Too Quickly
Duration during sex is the number one anxiety that men have about sex, beating out STDs, pregnancy and penis size. Every man fears being a “one-minute man” or a “two-pump chump”. Informed by porn and stories passed around locker rooms from distant ages past, men are socialized to believe that sexual endurance is one of the hallmarks of a masterful lover; the longer he can hold out before orgasm, the better. Despite the fact that penetration ideally lasts seven to thirteen minutes, every man grows up with the fantasy that true masters can last for hours.
How To Recover:
Step one: Calm down. Every guy has times when they cum a lot faster than they would have liked. Getting upset isn’t going to help you and will only make things awkward for the both of you. She’s going to take her lead from you; if you treat it like it’s no big deal, she will too.
Step two: Damage control. Give a self-deprecating laugh, tell your partner that she had you really turned on and you just couldn’t hold back. Now follow up with oral sex. No reason why she shouldn’t have fun too, you know.
Step three: deal with the problem afterwards.
Premature ejaculation – defined as when a man ejaculates sooner than he or his partner would prefer – can have a multitude of issues ranging from simple anxiety to hyper-sensitivity and extreme arousal, and there are a number of ways of lasting longer. The simplest is to practice kegel exercises; the pubococcygeus muscles - that control the flow during urination – are the same ones that control ejaculation during orgasm. Strengthening your PC muscles and releasing them repeatedly is a simple way of controlling one’s orgasm.
You can also change up your sexual practices. Some sexual positions change the level of friction or the muscle tension that makes it easier to last longer; positions that require you to support your own weight2 will create tension in your pubic muscles that will make it more likely to orgasm quickly. You may also want to employ the classic stop-start method; when you feel the orgasm starting to build, stop thrusting for a few moments while letting the sensation fade before restarting. It can be almost torturous for guys to do this – once you feel that familiar tingle, you want to pound away as hard as you can – but a little discipline will bring desirable results.
There are mechanical and chemical solutions to the problem… at a cost. Thicker condoms will cut down on the sensation, for example, allowing you to last longer. Similarly, most sex shops and adult video stores will have desensitization cremes, usually involving a topical anesthetic like benzocaine as the active ingredient. Beware using these however; the last thing you want to do is accidentally transfer the creme to your partner and end up cutting down on her sensitivity as well. Many SSRI based anti-depressants will have a retarding effect on male orgasms; some doctors will prescribe very low doses as a treatment for chronic premature ejaculation. However, some SSRIs will not only increase time before ejaculation, but they will also reduce one’s libido. Take great care if you decide to go down the medication route.
If duration is a common problem for you, consider taking matters into your own hands on occasion. Make masturbation a part of your regular pre-date preparations; you won’t be feeling the urge as strongly during the date and you’ll have taken the edge off when sex does happen that evening.
Remember: When in doubt, rub one out.
No matter how much you prepare, sometimes things won’t just go wrong, they will go embarrassingly wrong. Boner-killer wrong. The kind of wrong that makes it impossible to continue. Her dog leaps onto the bed. You let loose the loudest, nastiest fart you have ever known… while she’s going down on you. She reveals that she’s a squirter… without warning you first. Her leg starts to cramp up just as you’re about to show her why the girls back home called you “Mr. Crazy Straw”. You call her by the wrong name… and she hears you. Her parents call and leave a long message on the voice mail.
What was going to be a momentous night of passion is now reduced to the two of you awkwardly looking at each other while you feel the atmosphere – and your erection – deflating into a distant memory and now there’s nothing left but to wonder how long it’s going to be before the social contract let’s you sneak out the door.
How To Recover:
No, seriously. Treat the situation like it’s a scene in a comedy, acknowledge and embrace the absurdity, make a joke and laugh it off. It only has to be serious and awkward if you both want it to be. The best thing you can do is defuse the interruption by making it into something silly. Laughter will lighten the mood, relax the both of you and transform what could have been the end of the evening into a temporary break until the two of you are ready to resume again.
Almost any interruption or mood-breaker can be laughed off… but some are going to be harder than others. If you called her by the wrong name, you’d better be ready to follow up quickly. If she calls you on it, it’s time to insist that her name really is ”Jesse”. Or “Martha”. Or “Bambi”. Pretend to be confused and give her a different name every time she says something, then demand to know who the hell she is and why she’s been calling herself “Sarah” all this time.
If she buys your bluff, then understand that I will never ever play poker with you.
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