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There’s nothing quite like sex to set every man’s anxieties on overdrive.
Men are competitive about everything. If a guy is into a subject or a hobby, he wants to believe that he is the master of it – if not of the world, than at least amongst his friends. Whether it’s cooking, grilling, video games or random geek trivia, every guy out there wants to be seen as the definitive expert, the number one guy.
When you throw sex into the equation however, it goes from a matter of competition and braggadocio to one of desperation and ego. It’s one thing when you have the highest kill/death ratio of your Call of Duty clan and you’re competing with anonymous drones who are nothing but meat for your cannons.
When it comes to sleeping with beautiful women, it’s no longer about getting your name at the top of the high scores list in the hopes of impressing your friends. It’s about making your mark. It’s about impressing her and all of her friends. You’re not competing with faceless nobodies: you’re now competing with every guy she’s ever slept with. Every guy she has ever gushed about to her girlfriends the next day. Every guy she’s Facebook friends with. You want to be the acknowledged master of her pleasure, the one that nobody will ever be able to surpass.
But just as no plan survives contact with the enemy, no fantasy survives contact with actual flesh. You may think that it’s going to be all candlelight and soft lens filters1 but when it’s time to bang, sometimes things go wrong. Maybe you say something wrong or maybe it’s just a case of you can’t quite perform the way you were hoping to.
Don’t panic. Just because things don’t go as planned doesn’t mean that you can’t recover from them… and even make sex better than ever.
5) Coming Too Quickly
The Problem:
Duration during sex is the number one anxiety that men have about sex, beating out STDs, pregnancy and penis size. Every man fears being a “one-minute man” or a “two-pump chump”. Informed by porn and stories passed around locker rooms from distant ages past, men are socialized to believe that sexual endurance is one of the hallmarks of a masterful lover; the longer he can hold out before orgasm, the better. Despite the fact that penetration ideally lasts seven to thirteen minutes, every man grows up with the fantasy that true masters can last for hours.
How To Recover:
Step one: Calm down. Every guy has times when they cum a lot faster than they would have liked. Getting upset isn’t going to help you and will only make things awkward for the both of you. She’s going to take her lead from you; if you treat it like it’s no big deal, she will too.
Step two: Damage control. Give a self-deprecating laugh, tell your partner that she had you really turned on and you just couldn’t hold back. Now follow up with oral sex. No reason why she shouldn’t have fun too, you know.
Step three: deal with the problem afterwards.
Premature ejaculation – defined as when a man ejaculates sooner than he or his partner would prefer – can have a multitude of issues ranging from simple anxiety to hyper-sensitivity and extreme arousal, and there are a number of ways of lasting longer. The simplest is to practice kegel exercises; the pubococcygeus muscles – that control the flow during urination – are the same ones that control ejaculation during orgasm. Strengthening your PC muscles and releasing them repeatedly is a simple way of controlling one’s orgasm.
You can also change up your sexual practices. Some sexual positions change the level of friction or the muscle tension that makes it easier to last longer; positions that require you to support your own weight2 will create tension in your pubic muscles that will make it more likely to orgasm quickly. You may also want to employ the classic stop-start method; when you feel the orgasm starting to build, stop thrusting for a few moments while letting the sensation fade before restarting. It can be almost torturous for guys to do this – once you feel that familiar tingle, you want to pound away as hard as you can – but a little discipline will bring desirable results.
There are mechanical and chemical solutions to the problem… at a cost. Thicker condoms will cut down on the sensation, for example, allowing you to last longer. Similarly, most sex shops and adult video stores will have desensitization cremes, usually involving a topical anesthetic like benzocaine as the active ingredient. Beware using these however; the last thing you want to do is accidentally transfer the creme to your partner and end up cutting down on her sensitivity as well. Many SSRI based anti-depressants will have a retarding effect on male orgasms; some doctors will prescribe very low doses as a treatment for chronic premature ejaculation. However, some SSRIs will not only increase time before ejaculation, but they will also reduce one’s libido. Take great care if you decide to go down the medication route.
If duration is a common problem for you, consider taking matters into your own hands on occasion. Make masturbation a part of your regular pre-date preparations; you won’t be feeling the urge as strongly during the date and you’ll have taken the edge off when sex does happen that evening.
Remember: When in doubt, rub one out.
4) Mood-Breakers
The Problem:
No matter how much you prepare, sometimes things won’t just go wrong, they will go embarrassingly wrong. Boner-killer wrong. The kind of wrong that makes it impossible to continue. Her dog leaps onto the bed. You let loose the loudest, nastiest fart you have ever known… while she’s going down on you. She reveals that she’s a squirter… without warning you first. Her leg starts to cramp up just as you’re about to show her why the girls back home called you “Mr. Crazy Straw”. You call her by the wrong name… and she hears you. Her parents call and leave a long message on the voice mail.
What was going to be a momentous night of passion is now reduced to the two of you awkwardly looking at each other while you feel the atmosphere – and your erection – deflating into a distant memory and now there’s nothing left but to wonder how long it’s going to be before the social contract let’s you sneak out the door.
How To Recover:
Laugh.
No, seriously. Treat the situation like it’s a scene in a comedy, acknowledge and embrace the absurdity, make a joke and laugh it off. It only has to be serious and awkward if you both want it to be. The best thing you can do is defuse the interruption by making it into something silly. Laughter will lighten the mood, relax the both of you and transform what could have been the end of the evening into a temporary break until the two of you are ready to resume again.
Almost any interruption or mood-breaker can be laughed off… but some are going to be harder than others. If you called her by the wrong name, you’d better be ready to follow up quickly. If she calls you on it, it’s time to insist that her name really is “Jesse”. Or “Martha”. Or “Bambi”. Pretend to be confused and give her a different name every time she says something, then demand to know who the hell she is and why she’s been calling herself “Sarah” all this time.
If she buys your bluff, then understand that I will never ever play poker with you.
Related Posts
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Squirrel says
Re: Plan B. At least have the grace to offer to help pay for it. Depending on where you go, that little pill pack can cost up to $70. Which is still cheaper than any of the other "Ooops, I'm preggers, now what?" options.
Zombie attack, huh?
Dr. NerdLove says
Yup. All fun and games until she went for my face. It was one of those moments I had wished someone had stood by and warned me. "You'll put your eye out, kid."
Dr. NerdLove says
Alternately: "Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes! RAAAAAAAAASK!"
Squirrel says
And wouldn't that have been awkward. "S'cuse me, what are you doing here?" "Trust me, you're going to need me later."
Tee says
Plan B is only $20 at Planned Parenthood and it's free for those who already see a doctor there. All you have to do is sign in, show your license to prove your age, and pay for it. Easy peasy.
Katie says
do you feel there is any sort of compromise when it comes to pregnancy and abortion? If this is a one night stand then by all means don't have sex with that person. But what if it's a relationship where sex is important (regardless of what people say apparently) but there are SOME opposing views? (girlfriend is pro choice but would never want to get an abortion) what would be best to do
Dr. NerdLove says
It's up to the couple, but if you fundamentally disagree on what to do in the event of an unintended pregnancy – and believe me, they can happen even when you do everything right – then you're going to be facing a fairly big snag in the relationship if it happens.
In cases like that, you'd best be taking every precaution possible; the pill AND condoms at the very least.
Also worth noting: you can never be completely sure about your thoughts on the subject until it directly affects *you* (generic you, not you specifically Katie). When the rubber hits the road, it's surprising how quickly a person's views can change, in both directions.
KamCannon says
I meant "My sis tried every means short of abortion. Birth control, condom, morning after pill…"
Hmm, punctuation helps.
theoriginalbraingoo says
What? No oxford comma?
KamCannon says
My sis tried every means short of abortion Birth control, condom, morning after pill and I still have a nephew. Two now. Sometimes that cruel uncaring god loves a laugh.
Katie says
it's funny with the whole "sexual compatibility" think that people ever so preach about reality of pregnancy makes me realize it's probably all a crock of shit…
Trisha Lynn says
Katie, what part? The compatibility part? I'm with someone who is extremely compatible to me, and this includes our stances on what to do in case of birth control failure.
Also, seconded on the accompaniment to the pharmacy for Plan B and helping pay for it. Even if it's a one-night stand.
katie says
nah just the whole thing where you gotta "test the waters" with people because these days apparently if you don't have good sex you can't love that person and it won't work. The whole thing with gaining experience via one night stands I think people forget pregnancy happens and it all just seems like a joke to me now maybe I'm wrong..eh…
I understand making sure you have clear feelings on birth control and abortion but those feleings may not be written in stone when the bad thing happens.
Katherine says
I haven't had the experience that anyone recommends engaging in one night stands for the purposes of gaining experience. Having one or two long and meaningful relationships might be a better way to gain experience. As Dr. Nerdlove states, sex, good sex, involves a lot of trust. How can a person begin to discover what they like/don't like/can/will/won't engaged in or try unless they have a trusting relationship within which to try things out?
🙂
Katherine
room temp says
Wow… the bunny rabbit is incredible adorable
Cat says
A note about "laughing it off" in an awkward moment:
Sometimes, an apology needs to go with that. Like, "Oh, I am SO sorry I just farted in your face!" before you start making jokes. Or in the middle of making jokes. One way or another, if it's something on that level, there needs to be an acknowledgement that "yeah, that was gross, it was totally unintentional, and I'm sorry it happened."
FilmKiller says
Epic.
Does Harris have something to share with the class? =)
ArmedVegan says
Great article y'all! Good advice on all of them. I come from the Dan Savage side and being GGG so I love that you included good communication and agreements ahead of time. Definitely have experienced one if not all of the above.
Dr. NerdLove says
I believe I've mentioned this before, but Dan Savage is my celebrity spirit animal and I quite cheerfully and blatantly crib advice from the man.
(I mean, when you're right, you're right. And he's frequently right.)
ArmedVegan says
I am a pretty new reader, but love your twist on relationship advice. Thanks for your well-spoken writings!
Kyle says
I think that you should be worried even if the condom breaks before orgasm. it would be the same situation as trying to use the pullout method. pre-cum can still get her pregnant
DDgirl says
I hate to have to post something that contradicts your post, since on the whole, I strongly approve, but there's one detail that makes me cringe here.
If the condom break or slips off, you inform your partner immediately, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER ORGASM HAS OCCURRED OR NOT. Pregnancy, as well as the spread of disease, can occur from pre-ejaculate. Admittedly, the chances are much lower, but for both your health and safety, she should know. I have a rather frightening experience where the guy I was with didn't tell me until well after the fact, because he assumed that no orgasm=no problem.
Other than that, though, I applaud your post. It's nice to see some practical, down-to-earth advice about how to keep sex fun, even when it's not "perfect".
Dr. NerdLove says
Since you and Kyle had your comments approved at about the same time, this addresses you both:
While minuscule amounts (less than 10,000) sperm *has* been found in pre-ejaculate, studies have *not* found motile or viable sperm. Pre-ejaculate is fluid from the Cowpers gland; the sperm found (rarely) in pre-ejaculate is actually *left over* from previous ejaculations. Even if the sperm cells were to enter the uterus, they cannot and will not penetrate the egg wall.
The female vagina is actually an incredibly hostile place for sperm. One sperm may be all it takes to fertilize an egg but it takes literally hundreds of millions of sperm to get it there in the first place.
Even allowing for normal ejaculation: it is actually difficult for humans – even when the woman is in her fertile period – to become pregnant. At ages 20-25 – among the ideal period, physically, for pregnancy – the average rate of pregnancy per cycle is 25%.
So while yes, a responsible person will let his partner know that the condom broke and he's switching them out (and honestly, it'd be hard not to notice that he was no longer inside her), the risk would be if he were starting to actually ejaculate prior to pulling out, not from the pre-cum.
DDgirl says
Okay, I will concede your pregnancy point. However, the point about spread of STDs still stands, especially since a lot of men don't get ever get tested as carriers of HPV (the virus linked to cervical cancer).
Dr. NerdLove says
Granted. But keep in mind (and I address this here: https://www.doctornerdlove.com/2011/10/i-have-an-s… that part of this is an establishment problem. The standard battery of STD testing does not include herpes or HPV tests; those have to be requested separately. Most people don't know this and assume – understandably – that they would be part of the package.
Also worth noting: 1 in 4 sexually active adults have been exposed to herpes while 1 in 2 have had HPV. In women, this number rises to 80% by age 50. This is why vaccinating young children is so important.
medwards says
Not to be a doubter, but I was hoping you could provide some references for the studies you're citing.
Dr. NerdLove says
Regarding sperm motility and pre-ejaculatory fluid, yes?
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12286905 http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12762415?dopt=… http://blogs.webmd.com/womens-health/2010/01/urba…
Sofie says
How long sperm lives inside the woman depends on the cervical fluid. If it's fertile they can live for up to 5 days; if not, they die in a few hours. She can only get pregnant for at most a week per cycle, so saying 25% isn't really indicative of how things work – on some days you're pretty much guaranteed to get pregnant, on others you're guaranteed not to. FAM lets you figure out which days are which.
E says
Hey, sorry to be off-topic, but I think this comic is a pretty awesome illustration of some of the things you've been talking about:
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&am…
KB says
I just wanted to make a comment as someone who works with as a sex educator for teens. If you live in the state of California and think you/your partner can't get on birth control because you can't afford it, please visit your local clinic and sign up for Family Pact insurance. It is free to sign up for and provides you with free birth control (including the pill, the patch, the ring, the shot as well as male/female condoms, spermacides, IUDs, and the Implanon implant) not to mention free STD screening and pelvic exams. Basically anything to do with sexual heath, it has you covered. And most importantly (at least for the teens I work with) it is ENTIRELY CONFIDENTIAL. For those who are not teenagers, it covers men through age 65 and women through age 55 (if I'm not mistaken).
Also, there are many clinics who provide free condoms no questions asked. I can't tell you how many people come in for pregnancy tests because they didn't know they could get birth control without paying for it or having to go through their parents.
http :www.familypact.org
MBTX says
Dr. Nerdlove, just found your site and here's a common sexual mishap (for me) that I can't help but ask. I want to preface this – This is not bravado or braggadocio and it really HAS become a problem.
I'm a 25 year old guy, decent shape, roughly normal endowment. My problem is the exact opposite of premature ejaculation… I usually last 45 minutes or longer. A "quickie" for me is 25-30 minutes. My current partner of 4 years, she will ALWAYS get off, long before I do. Some information to be factored in: I do masturbate about 1-2 times per day (though even when I cut all masturbation for a month, it took a good 30 minutes), sex is rather infrequent due to my partner's pregnancy concerns, my partner practices mainly vaginal sex vs. oral or any other, and the partner's private area is somewhat smaller than my endowment.
Now, I know this seems like a dream situation for most guys, but it's such a recurring problem that it'll lead to my partner getting off then getting bored while I finish up. It's been so bad sometimes that she'll get off twice before I can even manage once. There is a keen sense of frustration in this.
Again, I'm truly not making any of this up or exaggerating in the least (God knows, I wish I was).
If you could give some thoughts on this, it'd be greatly appreciated. As a long time nerd who is actually pretty good getting women, I'd really like some advice or anything that could help with this unusual problem.
-Mike
MBTX says
Also, in case it may be pertinent information, I am an uncut individual. Not sure if that has much effect on my issue, but hey, the more info you have, the more accurate a response you might be able to give.
Dr. NerdLove says
Well there's an obvious answer to be had here, but first: are you able to get off reasonably quickly when you masturbate?
MBTX says
Reasonably so, yes.
Dr. NerdLove says
Make sure that you're not using the "death grip" when you jerk off. It's entirely possible to desensitize your penis by using far too much pressure when masturbating. It's a common issue guys have. After a while, that level of sensation becomes what you're used to and it's a level of pressure and friction that vaginal walls can't possibly match.
If you're using the death grip you basically have to learn to re-adapt by *not* jerking off the old way ever again. You have to essentially starve your penis of that sensation and let it get reset to a far lighter level of pressure than you have been using.
DazzOne says
……FUCK!!! That's hard (no pun intended) as HELL to do.
MBTX says
Hmm… how odd. I wouldn't have called it a death grip or even much of a firm grip, but I'll try what you suggest. Hope this helps others who suffer from the same problems I do. Thanks Dr. N, I'll keep following the site, great information for anybody!
Emma says
'By the by: You’re accompanying her to the CVS because you’re a goddamn human. If you think that you’re sending her off on her own, then you need to understand that karma is going to ensure that you will never have sex again including with yourself.'
AmenN. I had a friend who was touched that her random man agreed to come with her to the doctor's. I told her, don't be GRATEFUL, that's the very LEAST he could do.
EmmaW says
'By the by: You’re accompanying her to the CVS because you’re a goddamn human. If you think that you’re sending her off on her own, then you need to understand that karma is going to ensure that you will never have sex again including with yourself.'
Amen. I had a friend who was touched that her random man agreed to come with her to the doctor's. I told her, don't be GRATEFUL, that's the very LEAST he could do.
Mia says
I thought the accompany part was so sweet and thoughtful. My bf didn't come with me :(. Actually, I guess he thought it wasn't a big deal or didn't know about plan B, so I went by myself and bought one. Even if its expensive, it's definitely better than risk the higher chance of getting pregnant for sure.
Jimmy says
Just to clear up a misconception, Plan B does not prevent pregnancy. It prevents an already fertilized egg from implanting in the uterus. It is a form of abortion, though more socially-acceptable because you will never know if you were pregnant or not.
Kyle says
Hey. Love the article. Hillarious. I recently had sex for the first time this year after a night of clubbing and drinking that ended in me unexpectingly going home with this amazing women. After some decent foreplay from both parties it was time for the "Main show" so to speak, but for the love of <place deity's name here> I could not get my damn member in and everytime I tried I would loose stiffness. Eventually after several attempts I managed to get it in. 🙂
Blake says
Fun article. But I kept reading a lot of “don’t panic”. If a condom breaks, panic ain’t such a bad thing.
eselle28 says
Panic isn't helpful in that situation, either. The two of you have a problem that needs to be solved. It's so much easier to run out to get Plan B, talk about testing, have that discussion about pregnancy that you maybe should have had beforehand, and so on if neither of you is freaking out.