The 5 Most Common Insecurities In Men (And How To Overcome Them)

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It should come as no surprise that confidence is a big deal when it comes to success at dating. Confidence, after all, is sexy.

The problem of course, is that confidence can be hard to come by. Confidence boosting is a big-money industry these days. Even the Pick-Up Artist community is flooded with products designed to help men with what they call “inner game” issues. But for all for all of the times we wrestle with issues of deservedness or a scarcity mentality, there are certain areas where men are just especially vulnerable.

Men are more sensitive than culture gives them credit for. For all of the proclamations of manliness and machismo and how men just don’t worry about the same things that women do, the male ego is surprisingly fragile. We may be able to endure the jocular insults and shit-talking that are often part and parcel of male friendship but there are certain areas that are just off-limits. They’re little emotional Van Der Graaf generators of anxiety that serve to wreck a man’s self-esteem, prompting him to throw hundreds or thousands of dollars towards any snake-oil or hokum that promises to fix the issue.

“Now with 100% more bullshit!”

 

The problem is, of course, in your head rather than on it… or in your shorts, for that matter. But let’s look at the top 5 most common insecurities in men… and talk about how you can overcome them.

#5: Your Body

For decades, feminists lamented the damaging power of the Male Gaze and the toll that it’s taken on women’s self esteem and health, and it seemed to be profoundly one-sided; Naomi Wolfe wrote in The Beauty Myth that men would never fear being objectified in the way that women are.

Fast forward 20 or so years and suddenly eating disorders and body dysmorphia are on the rise in men1 and liposuction is one of the fastest-growing plastic surgery procedures performed on men. Men have suddenly realized that – contrary to a lifetime of being told that men are visual while women are intellectual – women like to look too. For the first time in generations, women are openly ogling men the way that we’ve been drooling over women and it makes us profoundly uncomfortable. And now that men have realized that women are having the screaming thigh-sweats over Ryan Gosling’s abs, we feel like we’re not measuring up.

God fucking damn it, it’s not fair!

We’re worried that we’re too fat, too thin, too hairy, too tall, too short, too… something. And it’s driving us to dangerous levels of desperation trying to match up with a societal ideal.

How To Get Over It:

Well to start with, eat healthy – decrease the level of simple carbohydrates, up your intake of green leafy vegetables, avoid excess fats and sugars and processed foods – and start getting more active. A healthier diet and increased exercise will increase your baseline health and make you feel better over all. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to hit the gym – and in fact, there are plenty of people who are just not suited for traditional exercise routines. If you’re the sort of person who couldn’t dream of spending 20-30 minutes on the elliptical runner every day, find another way of getting active that you enjoy. Play pick-up games of basketball after work. Join a dojo and start studying martial arts. Get into swing or salsa dancing. Work towards a goal such as the Couch to 5K program or train for the zombie apocalypse by training for the Run For Your Life races. Your local gym will also have any number of classes; don’t dismiss them as being “too girly” – that Pilates class will beat your ass into painful submission and laugh at you all the while.

Of course you also have to realize that just because you’re eating right and exercising doesn’t mean that you’ll magically become a Men’s Health cover model. To start with, you’re restricted by your genetics and build – not everybody is going to have those perfect six-pack abs no matter how much they work out. In addition, those shirtless dudes you see in ads, on covers and in the movies don’t live the same lifestyle you do. Their job is literally to look good – their day to day life is entirely structured around the routines and meals that it takes to look like that. You simply don’t have the same time to commit that they do.

Not to mention how much of it is smoke and mirrors. You’d be amazed what you can do with basic make-up tricks, lighting and dehydration long before you get into Photoshop.

What you need to do is learn to accept who you are -and, more importantly – that you don’t need to live up to some bullshit ideal in order to be attractive. Just as men love a wide range of body types and shapes, so do women. There are women out there who like big, burly, hairy, men. There are women who like skinny ectomorphs. Accepting your build for what it is, instead of trying to force yourself to live up to a physical ideal that you literally cannot match, will do wonders for your esteem. Wearing clothes that fit properly will help improve your look no matter what kind of body you have.

And let’s face it: if a woman’s into you enough to come home with you, she’s not going to worry that you’re not a cinema idol. By the time sex is in the equation, it’s fait accompli.

#4: Your Finances

For generations, part of how men have identified themselves has been as The Provider – your ability to care for and support your mate has been a measure of manliness since time immemorial. As a result, men as a group put an inordinate amount of importance on money and material goods; witness every song or music video whose main narrative is “I’m so fuckin’ rich I can have any woman I damn well feel like.”

Now let’s be honest: money may not buy you love, but it certainly improves your bargaining position. There’s no denying that material wealth is attractive, even if the woman in question isn’t a gold digger.

To be fair, money *does* make being a dickbag more tolerable to women.

Obviously, 99% of us2 aren’t crazy rich and we never will be, but somehow there are still people who aren’t Donald Trump who are having plenty of dating success even with their middle-class lifestyles. You don’t have to be crazy-stupid rich in order to find love or a relationship.

But what if you’re not even middle class? What if you’re stuck with public transportation, a minimum wage job, a shitty apartment  and a “ramen-five-nights-a-week” diet? What then? How can you expect to find a girlfriend then? What woman is willing to put up with riding the bus to your very-occasional dinner out and your once-a-month-maybe movie date?

How To Get Over It:

First of all, look around. The economy is in the fucking tank. We’re all floundering around trying to find work and having to scrape to make ends meet. We’re all having to deal with tight financial times, and any woman worth dating is going to understand that. If the women you like are looking as much at your bank account as they are at your personality, you really need to quit dating shallow materialistic bitches and date women who appreciate a man who has more going for him than a fat wallet.

Now, if you’re doing badly, financially, because you’re lazy or have no ambition, that’s one thing. That’s an unattractive trait no matter what your take-home pay rate is. Women like a man who not only has goals and ambition but who is actively working towards them. Drive and determination are incredibly attractive traits.

Being on a tight budget doesn’t mean that you can’t look good or treat a woman to a good time. To start with, you can find awesome clothes on a budget. Learn to harness the power of the Internet – you’d be surprised at the discounts that you can find with some Googling and a little skill on eBay. Learn how to work the sales. And again: make sure your clothes fit. A proper fit makes all the difference.

Never forget: romance is more than material goods or price. It’s about spontaneity, personality, atmosphere and attitude. You can date without breaking the bank; there are plenty of dates that are awesome that won’t cost you a small fortune. A romantic home-cooked meal by candlelight will mean more to the right woman than impossible-to-get reservations at that exclusive French bistro. Museums and art galleries make for amazing low-cost dates that are classy as fuck. You can also find a surprising number of free or low-cost events in your town, especially if you’re in a college town if you do some research.

Don’t worry too much about your finances. Any woman worth your time will be won over by your caring personality, wit and charm and sexiness.

Speaking of which…

#3: Your Hair

The level of importance men put on their hair would astound most women. We like to pretend that all the care we put into our hair care is to shake our heads a couple of times on the way out of the shower, but a man’s hair is one of the most visible symbols of his potency and masculinity.

Which of course, means that thinning or receding hair is proof of God’s hate.

A man with thinning hair or a receding hairline  – or worse, one who’s bald – is seen as a man who is long past the flush of his youth. He’s someone whose best years have passed him by and is now left with nothing but comedic attempts to try to disguise his loss with gimmicks, props and medication. The image of a balding man is one of comedy and impotence as he tries to disguise his pate with a creative arrangement of what little hair he has left. We laugh at the Hair Club for Men commercials that run on late night TV. “I’m not just the president, I’m a client” is a punchline, right up there with a man losing his toupee at a critical moment. Even the ancient Romans had a saying: “Never trust a bald man with hair.”

If you don’t have a head of thick, luxurious hair, you’re just less of a man, right? Right?

How To Get Over It:

Allow me to introduce you to my counter-argument. Mr. Statham, meet my readers. Readers, Mr. Jason Statham.

“Feck ahf!”

Let’s not kid ourselves: bald is sexy.

The cause for the most common cause of male hair loss isn’t known; it’s theorized to be a combination of genetics and hormonal levels in men. The best thing that you can do if you’re faced with hair-loss is face it like a man.

You can always take the medical route;  Rogaine can slow the loss and Propecia can help you regrow your hair – if you’re willing to risk the potential side-effects, which include depression, erectile disfunction and a decreased ability to ejaculate, which sound like a cure that’s worse than the disease.

If you have a nicely shaped skull – one that’s fairly symmetrical without any dents or bulges – you can always bite the bullet and shave your head. It will take practice and daily maintenance but many, many women appreciate the feel of a freshly shaved scalp. If you don’t want to go the full-shave route, do your dignity a favor and start adopting a short hair style; a close crop will minimize the appearance of balding and provide the illusion of volume. Don’t make the mistake of trying to grow your hair longer and fluff it in order to try to hide your bare patches; you’re not fooling anyone and it just looks silly.

While you’re at it, consider facial hair: a short, neat beard or goatee will pull attention away from your crown and towards your face instead.

#2: Your Sexual Ability

Sex causes an absurd level of anxiety in men. We’re forever worried about when we should expect sex or whether we’re pushing too hard for it. We obsess over how we measure up to a woman’s past lovers or how many partners we’ve had versus how many partners she’s had. Spit or swallow? Did we get off too quickly? Did she get off at all? Are we rocking her world or is she just counting the ceiling tiles? OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD.

It gets even more insane when you throw porn into the mix. Now suddenly not only are we worried about whether we’re the best lover she’s ever had but men are worried about such things as whether to aim for her boobs or her face or the volume of his ejaculation. That’s right, if you can’t paint a Jackson Pollock on the wall with your sperm, you are not a man.

You can thank me for that mental image later.

How the hell are we supposed to get our freak on if we’re too busy worrying about being labeled “Two-Stroke Tony” to all of her friends?

How To Get Over It: 

Well to start with, quit assuming that porn resembles real sex at all. Fucking in porn is  kabuki – it’s an incredibly stylized and exaggerated performance and the only relation it bears to actual, every-day sex is that tab A goes into slot B. Trying to translate porn sex into the real world is an exercise in pain and frustration… literally. Porn actors have to position themselves into incredibly uncomfortable poses in order to be open to the camera and the “money shot” only developed because it was a way of confirming that yes, the male actors are actually ejaculating at all. Basing your ideas ande expectations about sex from porn is a mistake.

Becoming a masterful lover has two major components: you need to be patient and willing to take direction as needed. Everything after that is just a matter of practice. Every woman is different and will have different requirements for proper bed-rocking-brag-to-all-her-friends-later-sex. Want to know what it takes to rock her world? Ask her what she likes. Learn how to read her signals and respond to them. If you’re trying to use your patented swirly-go-round technique and she’s giving you the tap, trying to push you away or clamp her legs shut, then don’t ignore her. Just because your last girlfriend loved that trick you did with your thumb doesn’t mean that every woman will and trying to power through someone’s “fucking stop” signals is only going to ensure that you’re never invited back for another go-round.

Oh, and when in doubt: more foreplay. Always err to more foreplay.

But while we’re talking about sex, let’s talk about

#1: Your Penis

The size and shape of a man’s penis is the number one source of any man’s insecurities and fears and we all have the clogged spam folders to prove it. Circumcised or natural, growers or showers, curved or straight…  every man alive has had anxious questions as to how he measures up and whether his is unusual or otherwise just wrong. Penis size is popularly associated with virility and sexual desirability. A man with a small penis is just not as “manly” as someone with a ten inch monster. If you’re not long, hard as steel, ramrod straight and aiming straight at the ceiling, you’re just an evolutionary dead-end, doomed to a lifetime of pointing and derisive laughter from the hordes of women you will never, ever be able to satisfy. Am I right, or am I right? Back me up here guys.

How To Get Over It:

Well, let me start out by introducing you to a friend of mine. Mr. Jeremy, if you would please…

NONE MORE MANLY!

Really, his existence alone should kill the myth that penis size somehow automatically translates into sexual desirability or manliness.

Look, cock size is subject to the same whims of fashion and popular culture as everything else. Just as there was a period where plump women were the height of beauty, there have been long periods in Western culture where a smaller, uncircumcised penis was the ideal; larger penises were thought to look grotesque and to be a sign of low breeding and intelligence while circumcised penises just looked weird.

The hard (ha!) and fast truth is, the average penis length is 5.1 inches erect when measured from the base and approximately 1.5 inches in diameter. Bigger doesn’t automatically equal better in this case; the longer a penis is, the more likely the odds are that that you’re going to end up bumping up against your partner’s cervix, which is not fun for her. Girth is actually far more important for sexual pleasure; all of the important nerve endings are actually located near the front of the vagina and clustered in the clitoris.

If you feel like you don’t measure up – as it were – there are things you can do to make it look bigger. Losing weight will make you look bigger as the pads of fat around it shrink and pull back. Think of it like tides; when the tide rolls out, the beach looks way bigger. Similarly, some judicious manscaping of your pubes with a body hair trimmer will make your penis stand out and seem larger. You can’t actually increase your penis size through surgery or medication; the pills are bullshit and the surgery involves cutting the ligaments that connect your penis to your abdomen which will make it harder for you to maintain an upright erection.

Getting back to Mr. Jeremy: he may have a giant cock, but there are also porn stars who have contracts that specify “No bestiality, no gangbangs, and no scenes with Ron Jeremy.” Yes, there will be size-queens – both men and women – who will judge a man by his cock size. Let’s be honest: you don’t want to date them in the first place even if you’re hung like a bull moose.

The best thing you can do, however, is to accept what you’ve been gifted with and learn how to use it. Many women out there actively dislike men with huge cocks. These hung studts tend to think that their size will do all the work for them and slam away mechanically without any skill or style at all. A man with a more modest endowment is far more likely to know how to use it properly. A man with two hands, a tongue and a can-do attitude will always be more in demand, sexually, than somebody who thinks that pounding away like a piston in an industrial film is the end-all/be-all of sex.

Which would you rather be? The guy with a huge penis who doesn’t know what he’s doing or the guy with a more modest endowment whose partners brag about every chance they get?

 

 

  1. although frankly, calling it cutesy names like “manorexia” or “bro-lemia” really minimize the seriousness of the issue, for both men and women []
  2. Hey look, I’m relevant! []

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Comments

  1. Ryan Fraer says:

    Love the article. But here's my question about the facial hair. I'm a big guy with a round face and a big head, do you recommend forgoing the facial hair in general? Also, concerning hair, I always tend to get the same damn haircut. How do I know what would work for me?

  2. I find it weird knowing there has to be some guy out there who actually does go through with the penis enlargement surgery knowing getting an erection would be harder (no pun intended) to maintain or even achieve. Guys who want a big penis tell themselves that they want one to impress women (which in some way is true) but it feels like they want to be hung to satisfy their own egos or to outdo the other guy.
    I personally have been coming to terms with my penis even though my girlfriend has been telling me since we've first started having sex she likes it. The usual advice seems to be the best when dealing with sex when you're unsure about your size: learn to be good at foreplay and oral. Experimenting and exploring her body is also good.
    I know you get this a lot, Doc, but spot on article, as always.

  3. "Women are openly ogling men the way that we’ve been drooling over women and it makes us profoundly uncomfortable."

    Call me when street harassment for men is a Fact of Life and ogling doesn't just make you 'profoundly uncomfortable' but genuinely fear for your safety.

    • and when the media constantly tells them why they should hate their bodies.

      • GentlemanJohnny says:

        The media does that already. Its just that instead of using it to sell diet food they use it to sell Shake Weight, The Ranger Pushup thing, Rogaine, etc. Primary counter example Axe body spray uses the same message in reverse. You don't have to be ripped if you use our stuff. Every guy "knows" that women only want a guy with abs like Jesus.

        Penis enlargement is more of an Internet thing but its the same concept. If you're not 10", something's wrong with you.

        Does this all happen with the frequency and intensity that it does when marketing to female insecurities? Probably not but that depends on the demographic of the show, magazine, website you're seeing ads in, too. Does it happen and frequently? Yes.

        • FredStubbs says:

          It cuts both ways. A woman can be sexy and flat-chested or not model-then, but if a man comes up short in the pants, everything else about him is now irrelevant.

          • Have you seen this to actually occur? With men other than yourself? If a woman insulted you because of "size issues" is it possible that she was ticked off about something else and this was just the most hurtful thing she could think of?

            Or, is this all just a perception and conjecture?

            The good Dr. is right. Size doesn't really matter (except to a few women). Nor is it in "how you use it." What really matters is what you have been doing for the 45 minutes or more before you put tab P into slot V. Sometimes even before you even take your pants off.

        • That's nice. It also still has nothing to do with the issues I brought up pointing out why this is not equal for men and women.

          • GentlemanJohnny says:

            That's because it was a reply to Nikki. I agree with what you said 100%.

          • The article may have made it seem equal, which it is not, but the way that you pointed it out is not exactly a fair shake, either. Just because it's worse for women doesn't mean it should be ignored for men. For some guys, it could be an eye-opening moment, one that could be used to teach them how their behavior can affect women but in a worse way. Your comment reads as very belittling to men's problems with being ogled, which isn't a great way to respond to someone who has an eating disorder because of it (not that you were responding to anyone aside from the article, but rather pointing out that your attitude isn't constructive towards fixing the problem for either gender).

          • I meant to add 'apparent' before attitude, because I have no way of knowing what your actual opinion is, just what you've said here.

      • PizzaSHARK! says:

        Already there. Men face just as much pressure from advertising and popular culture as women do these days – we're expected to look like the male fashion models, expected to have a certain kind of hairstyle, even expected to smell a certain way (see: Axe, rebooted Old Spice, Tag, etc.) It's not really much different from the pressures women face – women are expected to be anorexic, men are expected to pump iron ten days a week and be waxed like a Brazilian hooker.

        Men will likely never end up connecting "that chick's eye-fucking me," with "that chick looks like she's gonna rape me," but that's just the way of things. Unless you want to change the human genome so that our sexual dimorphism favors women instead of men… nothing can be done about that.

        • Hi PizzaShark –

          I agree it's a problem for men, and I agree it can be felt keenly. But I disagree it's 'just as much' a problem for men as for women. I'm lazy today but if you like I can dig you up a host of links – studies, pundit opinion, received wisdom, anecdotes, etc.

          I think it's important to address on both sides, and don't want to take away from that. But almost every woman I have known including myself has been told at least one if not both of the following, regarding not only dating but also career opportunities or friendships: 1) It's OK for you, you're good-looking; and/or 2) If you were better-looking, it wouldn't be a problem.

      • Paradoxical says:

        I have never seen women the size of a small car having any problem getting fit young guys for sex. Although I do know that very few women would fuck a fat guy.

        So what the heck are you talking about?

        • You got it reversed. Women may date a fat guy, but its the rare guy who dates obese females.

          • ActingHomelyHomey says:

            Wait a second, are you trying to say it's terrible that skinny, twi-hard looking guys aren't dating fat chicks? No shit, skinny, twi-hard looking women aren't dating fat guys either; it's because we think we can date and deserve superior looking people, but in the long run, forget how we look to the people we idolize. I mean, they're human too. Don't they have the right to say, "I'm not going to date polly, even though I'm her most favorite of favoritist x_thing, because that bitch is fat and fuck that ho, I ain't into it." Well, don't they? And you are. You can't sit there and say, "I deserve a skinny ass white boy cuz he's attractive and … I'm ugly, but see, my inner worth is obvious or something, and I've struggled all my life, therefore I deserve it, and he'll see how awesome I am or some shit you crisco ass looking motherfucker." Do you motherfuckers see ya'll selves when those boys come around? You look stoopid. Stoopid, stoopid, stoopid. Around them other fat boys, you don't even put out any recognition. You're bored of getting that, and wonder why you keep getting it fat girls. It's because they think you'll understand, and turns out, you just a shallow bitch chasing a twig. Well fuck it, find yourself a forest and take one home with you then, damn.

            Obese women need to admit that they're league is whoever is actually going to accept them. Learn to accept the people that accept you. Don't reject them. And don't let society throw out this lamb and lion bullshit of natural selection, that can't be your excuse to hide away who you actually are, or your excuse for hurting people who do like you, but don't look like the people you actually want to be around. Life isn't fair. You could have your "edward" for "twightlight" inside a fat, little scrupulous banker, but shit, you want them photoshop boys. Huh, you dumb girl.

            Does it hurt? Well shit then bitch, go work on yourself. Honestly, without any fronting, you need to look in a mirror. Does that one weird ass white dude in that movie about dead highschoolers and bestiality the wolf guy date a … fat bitch in his movie? No? Well shit, that's your problem then. You don't actually have a perception of who are, and what you are. In a way that women hate "nice guys", those same women are actually "nice girls", fawning over things they can't have, complaining when genuinely kind people who are overweight or ugly like themselves approach them wanting a little bit of respect and love. And you distance yourself from them why? Because you think you're more attractive than what you really are. Dumb ass ho skank.

            Reality check though, holler, cause you didn't ask for it but I'm doing it anyway, bet you hate my ass now, because to get them, the skinny little actor emo boys or whatever the hell, oh shit, honey, you'd need to lose weight, weight train, diet like a motherfucker, actually have a career that puts you close to these guys, in effect, you'd need to be another goddamn actor with a lot of time on her hands to land that. And if that.

            Truth is crucial. Don't ya'll forget it nethire.

    • So youre saying that if it werent for fear of safety women would be fine with being checked out?

  4. I would love it if you wrote a companion article to this one of "The 5 Most Common Insecurities in Women". Just use 5-2 as the same ones but rewrite them for women. It would be a great way to demonstrate that men and women are mostly freaking out over the same things but in different ways.

    • Dr. NerdLove says:

      Is hair loss something that a lot of women worry about obsessively? I know there are women affected by alopecia, but I would've thought it ranked down a lot farther than the top 5…

      • hair is extremely important to a woman. just sayin'

      • Yep, extremely important.

        I have fine hair (strands are thin), so I'm careful about keeping things healthy. At one point when I was losing a lot of hair (unhealthy and stressful lifestyle), I worried I was going bald. That was in high school.

        Typically one of the first concerns for women about chemotherapy is "Am I gonna lose my hair?" I know my mom was really insecure about it and wore a hat all the time when she did chemo.

      • Well your title is "Your Hair" so it doesn't have to be about hair loss necessarily, though the other commenters have brought up good points there. Women do obsess about their hair though. It is too long? Too short? Too curly? Too straight? Too much time spent? Not enough time spent? Color? Product? Style? What about body hair? Down-there hair? Eyebrow waxing? Hair is pretty stressful for everyone.

        As far as dating the big hair concerns that I'm aware of are "Men hate short hair" and "Men expect Brazilians (as in wax)".

      • OtherRoooToo says:

        "Is hair loss something that a lot of women worry about obsessively? "

        As much as men go on and on and ON about "Her hair smelled so nice … she had such beautiful hair … she tossed her hair and I was just mesmerized … " and my favorite – "A woman with a short haircut just doesn't look like a woman to me?"

        Yes.

        You'd better believe it.

        (Now we may worry about it *less* than a man judging us as " too fat", "no boobs', "too thin", "does better than me at career/work/financials" — which last one kills me not just because I'm going through it right now, but which is completely stupid because there is no "of the 99%" American household that exists on less than two incomes these days — I mean, I swear, sometimes you guys and your egos make NO FREAKING SENSE — but if we're worrying about those things at levels 35, 30, 20, and 25 on a 1-10 scale, and hair loss is at only 10, and you guys are around level 8 on that same scale WRT what you're worrying about, well … *Kanye shrug* )

  5. I must be the only person who finds ryan gosling unattractive.

    • You're not. I don't like Ryan Gosling's looks, either, though I enjoyed his acting in "Crazy, Stupid, Love." I also think Brad Pitt looks like a dork–though I like his actual acting as well.

      • oh god I think Brad Pitt looks gross especially with his greasy ass hobo hair

      • Agreed. Add Daniel Craig and Channing Tatum to that list as well. I respect the acting but don't get the sex appeal.

        • prettyinblackxx says:

          I usually like blondes but I don't find Ryan Gosling attractive. He's too white bread, All American for my taste. (Despite him being Canadian) Brad Pitt was only attractive in Thelma and Louise, IMO. I don't get Johnny Depp either. Definitely an attractive man, but I don't get the whole "sexiest man alive" thing.

          Dr. Nerdlove has it in spades. Women (just like men) love all sorts of different body types. A friend of mine calls one of those Discovery shows with the huge, hairy, bearded bikers porn because she loves large, hairy men. Different strokes, different folks.

    • Trust me, you're _definitely_ not alone in that one. His personality is attractive, but facially-speaking, he does nothing for me. However, Boris Kodjoe, Sendhil Ramamurthy, and John Stamos are on my "Hawt dudes" list. :3

    • Paul Rivers says:

      Yeah, I do *not* "get" Ryan Gosling either…

    • I've recently found an entire community of women who do not find him attractive. Just goes to show that what's put out there as "ideal" isn't the ideal for everyone!

      • Paul Rivers says:

        To be fair, women's tastes in what looks attractive varies quite a bit (as opposed to guys, which varies some but not as much)…take any guy that one women feels is amazingly attractive and it's not to difficult to find some other woman who doesn't find him attractive at all…

  6. Actually, I've heard a rumor (cough) that a lot of girls like being pounded in the cervix. But if your partner really wants that kind of stimulation, and you don't have the goods to provide it on your own, you can always use a toy.

    Any (sane) girl is never going to begrudge you for your biology if you're thoughtful and considerate enough to use alternative ways to her please her, so no matter what your situation is, you don't have to worry.

    • Some girls like that. To many, it's pretty painful

      • I think that what a lot of guys tend to miss is that what feels good to one girl doesn't necessarily feel good to another (and, vice versa). Then, once they find something that "works," or "doesn't work," they apply it to every other girl, rather than focusing on what makes her, as an individual, "tick."

      • OW!

      • I happen to like it. It really varies between women.

    • Most women I know admit that a big one gives a much more filled up feeling during intercourse. Sure, fingering and licking can give good pleasure but nothing compares to an orgasm from vaginal sex. An average sized penis has to be angled in a very specific way to ensure consistent G-spot stimulation, otherwise its very frustrating tbh.

      • "nothing compares to an orgasm from vaginal sex"

        Might be true for you, def not a universal.

  7. I usually like you posts, but this one kind of missed the mark for me. You indicate that most of these issues are superficial or erroneous and produce negative social effects, then you tend to give superficial solutions. So, don't worry about hair loss, but make sure you get a beard so people don't notice. You're sexual anxiety is irrational, but you need to do more foreplay, etc… The problem is that you are dealing with socially and psychologically constructed problems as though they are some kind of material or physical problem. They are an irrational response to some real thing. Fixing the problem means fixing the irrational response, not the physical phenomena.

    I think I can more easily phrase my complaint. You wrote the article: 'How do I overcome what I am insecure about?,' not 'how do I overcome being insecure about myself?' This isn't true of your write up on all 5 insecurities you outline but it is true of most of them. I come to your blog for your social insight. If I wanted to read about how to stylize my hair if I were bald or exercise routines, I would go to another blog. Otherwise, keep up the good work.

    • UnderOrange says:

      I honestly want to know how you tell somebody to get over their irrational responses to physical realities. Telling people to 'get over it' is profoundly unhelpful and would have made for a short and unpopular blog post. That's the problem with things that are irrational.

      • Honestly, the solution to irrational behavior is to self examine it and get over it. Explaining the source of the social pressure would be no small task. In fact, I suspect it would have been the longer more difficult article to write. To the question of how you tell someone to stop acting irrationally, you do it the same way Dr. Nerdlove does in nearly all of his article. You carefully explain possible origins of irrational behavior (whether it be male privilege, the Madonna complex, or insecurity). Then you explain the current cultural manifestation of the phenomena. Finally, you explain how if the reader alters his behavior benefits society and himself.

        The point you are making essentially implies that the physically reality causes the response. In other words, if you have an average penis or are balding then you are going to be insecure. I think that couldn't be further from reality. The problem with this mis-identification of cause leads to unhelpful advice for actual coping with your problem. For example, if you are male grooming your hair to cover baldness being told to groom your hair better will make you look better. It won't fix your insecurity. I think that these kind of reactions to male insecurity when taken to the extreme are the cause of the growth of male eating disorders. If you are unhappy with your body and yourself the solution is physical modification. More often than not people's problems are social and personal.

        As a thought experiment, imagine a woman approached you telling you she was upset with the size of her chest. Would you be more likely to assure her that she shouldn't wrap up her self-worth and happiness in her chest size or would you tell her to get a boob job? And which do you think would be the "short and unpopular" answer?

        • Boob job is going a bit far, but if you want to say, "Hey, while you're working on being okay with what you have, a good way to boost a little confidence so you can feel better and get your confidence up is to try on a shirt with a different cut to the neckline, throw on an attention grabbing necklace, and invest in a new bra."

          There's nothing wrong with that advice. Just like there's nothing wrong with "You can be okay with being bald, chicks dig it, but until you get to that point, try a short or shaved hairstyle."

          And as a geek girl, all I have to say is, Dude, Picard, OMG!

          I can also put my money where my mouth is because I dated a guy who was balding and had a shaved head, and it was AWESOME.

          He was also modest downstairs, and that was also awesome so relax guys. We want to love you, we really do. Women look for reasons to love you and the more charming you are, the harder we'll look and the more things we will find, and all the things you think won't "measure up" a good girl will discover what is awesome about them too.

        • UnderOrange says:

          Would I tell a woman insecure about her chest size to get a boob job personally? No, of course I wouldn't. Now, society certainly would and sure as hell does. All the time.

          You've just taken an article that mentions shaving your head as an alternative to comb-overs and suggests being healthier as a whole and attributed it to the same mentality as the one that has caused -male- eating disorders to be on the rise. Then you topped it all off by implying it's the same as telling somebody to get cosmetic surgery.

          Your privilege is showing, you might want to see to that.

          It's kind of like the clarinet player bitching to the bass drummer in a marching band. I'm sure you're thumb hurts after hours of holding it up with only the occasional cadence for a break. You have to understand that drummer's been playing NON-STOP for just as long and is carrying a far heavier load, though. She's probably not going to be as sympathetic as you want her to be.

  8. Interesting article as always Doc, but I thought I'd express my personal experience with 1 through 5. I must say that I never concerned myself with 1 & 3, I understood the general reasoning behind why other guys/men obsessed about it, maybe I'm in a minority (I'm 21). I never saw the big deal about number 1, and I'll shave my head if hair starts to thin. Can't comment on #2, as I have no experience in that area, can't really stress over something I have no experience with. For #4, well, I need to reign in my spending habits, but then again I don't think it matters as I don't envision actually dating anytime soon. And I am working on number 5 currently (For my health more than appearance). I am done my weekly ramble XD

    • Following Iriodus' example I'd like to go down that list myself:

      #5, there's better pics of Ryan Gosling, http://siliconvalleyryangosling.tumblr.com/

      #4 learned a lot about finances/worth/self-worth after becoming self-employed

      #3 Genetics: I happen to have teeth to crack coconuts and great hair. Everywhere. (Hair, not the teeth)

      #2 For my first partner I had to overcome the anxiety of physical contact. Traded it for sexual anxiety. With my second partner I learned that lots of patience and communication (over whatever channel:) can do wonders

      #1 never measured

  9. Here is the funny thing about penis size: I have never seen a diagram showing how to properly measure. Having been in silly moods with exes before, we have attempted to measure. Being the nerdy and scientific types, we also observed that the measurement can vary by over an inch depending on just how you take the measurement.

    So, I feel it is best to just not measure and assume you are just slightly above average. It avoids egotism and self-consciousness at the same time.

  10. Well this was very insightful. I have felt a couple my insecurities pop up, mostly #1 and 2 but luckily my partner has helped me through and helped me to relax and become a better lover for the face that I remembered, "Oh wait a minute, just use what I got like I have been." You truly do have a helpful blog.

  11. I'd broaden #1 to just include sexual competence in general. I know that's one of mine, not having had a significant amount of experience.

    • I agree, I my case it is just sexual inexperience. I just don't know how good I am, and it scarea the hell out of me what women would think of that inexperience. My other main insecurity is whether I am attractive enough as a person (and I don't mean physically).

      • I'm not going to lie, sexual inexperience can be a concern for women. "Training" a man is not easy and really should be done within a relationship because communication is so important. That said, you just have to make sure that you're worth the effort. If a women really likes you then she's not going to mind the extra work. Put your best foot forward and be honest- she can tell if you're inexperienced and would rather hear it from you.

        The number one thing I look for in a partner (that applies here) is PASSION. Even if someone lacks the technical skill that only comes from experience, if they have passion then I know that they're A. Going to give me a good time anyway, and B. Will be a good student.

        My current boyfriend was a 24-year-old virgin when we started things (I'm 23). While at first that bothered me (and part of that was from my own commitment issues), it did not take long for him to convince me that he was worth it. So I began "corrupting" him as I call it. It's been fun!

        • Thank you for your response.

          I think I do have passion when it comes to sexuality (at least in my mind), but I am sure it does not shine through my insecure exterior. I have never dared to kiss a girl because I always think she is not into me.

          Further more I am afraid I can not convince a women that I am worth it (especially since I am not convinced of that fact myself).

          At least you were not too turned off by your inexperienced boyfriend. Maybe there is some hope.

          • There is definitely hope. I think the real problem you're going to run into is your lack of confidence and self-worth. I don't know you, but I don't know anyone who doesn't deserve someone to love them, so I can only assume you're better off than you think you are. Maybe do some soul searching or talk this over with friends/family. I'm sure the people who already love you would be happy to tell you why you're awesome.

            As for the kissing example, my advice is to just go for it. Honestly, she's probably wondering why you haven't kissed her already. There are certain physical clues you can give that you are about to kiss her (touching her thigh, push back her hair, etc). If she doesn't stop you with those then you can be pretty sure she wants you to kiss her.

          • Hi Summer,

            I did talk to friends and family about it, and they do come with arguments. But I keep thinking: These are reasons for people to be platonicly interested in me , not sexually (since they are reasons for them to be my friend). So they don't convince me that women can be attracted to me. For me to get conviced of that fact it needs to happen. But it cannot happen since girls don't like the insecure guys. Catch-22.

            Further more, I've never seen the clues (that are posted all over the internet) in women that they like me or would like for me to kiss them. But I have to be honest that the amount of women I interact with is very low, and I've only had 2 dates in my life.

            By the way, I am 25, just so you have some idea of where I am coming from.

          • The reasons someone would be romantically interested in you are exactly the same reasons your friends like you + physical attraction. People generally want mostly the same qualities in their friends and their lovers, they just want a few extra things with their lovers. So don't discredit your friends opinions here.

            Physical attraction is unpredictable and doesn't really follow logic or rules or anything you can calculate, so there's not much you can do about that one besides follow general guidelines like the ones on this site. I have no idea why I'm interested in the guys I am, I know general trends but there's always that missing X factor that happens with some men but not others. Sadly, this is all just kind of luck of the draw. But if a girl agreed to go on a date with you then she's at least somewhat interested.

            Really, you're off to a great start by reading this site and taking its advice. You'll notice there are a lot of female commenters here, that's a good sign that the advice is good and reading the comments (as you do) will only help you more. I'm not really sure what your "women kissing signs" are, as that's not something I've ever researched. So I don't know how accurate those are.

            Really, there's nothing wrong with being inexperienced in the grand scheme of things. If a women is bothered by that then clearly she isn't the girl for you. I wish you luck finding a good fit with someone.

          • Thank you for your kind words. Sorry I am being so negative. It's a process, and I guess it takes time to alter my thoughts and beliefs.

  12. Hey Marth,

    I wanted to add that girls ACTIVLY look for sexy qualities if they like you as a person. A guy who is packing a little extra weight becomes her big cuddly bear of a man who makes her feel delicate and protected. The skinny lanky guy suddenly transforms into lithe and lean like a cat and in her mind you become a rock star. Dress oddly, you become artistic and creative. Have a baby face? You're suddenly sweet and adorable. Bald? Shave that head and she'll focus on your mysteriously intense eyes.

    This is how girls can honestly say your sexiest quality is your intellegence, kindness, or humor. It's because if we find those things attractive, we transform everything else to see you at your best. The trick is, we have to know you are sexually interested in us, or it's not worth it to us to mentally transform you just to be disappointed or rejected.

    For most well adjusted women, personality really does trump all. Be an awesome person, show you're interested, value yourself, and the hotness will follow, trust me.

    • Hey Jess,

      Thank you for this comment. This is actually an argument one that I can't disquallify in my mind! Of course that still leaves the problem that I cannot really talk to women, and have a non-serious, nice conversation. So that makes them liking me pretty hard. But the knowledge that you just gave me does take some weight of my shoulders

  13. Well, the good news is, talking to girls is entirely within your power. Good luck with working on that confidence.

  14. Paradoxical says:

    I dont know about insecurities of women regarding their bodies because it doest seem to translate into failure at attracting men for sex. We hear women whining about how media portrays fat women as worthless and that every guy wants a magazine cover material but I see women the size of a small car having absolutely no problems getting a steady stream of fit looking young men for sex.

    • I think it has to do with a combination of things. Men do not worry about who they have sex with nearly as much as they should. Women with low self esteem are more likely to try and trade sex for affection. That doesn't work with men unless they're attractive (in most cases), because the amount of women willing to have a steady stream of men to have sex with (fit or otherwise) is a pretty small sample size.

      I have said this before, but it bears repeating: Most women want to be loved. They want someone who appreciates them and will stick by them after the sperm hits the egg (which, by the way, is how pregnancy happens). Some women are evil and want to get pregnant and have a baby for child support payments (which is why you should be a bit more wary about who you sleep with and use protection that you provide). Either way, a great many, many women are looking for some sort of commitment out of their sexual partner. Yes, some women go for the casual sex thing, but the people who frequent this site are really unlikely to get lucky enough to run across a lot of women like that.

      Also, as a woman who is rather overweight (though not the size of a small car), I can tell you that it has always been a thought in the back of my mind that when a man is interested in me all he wants is an easy lay. All through high school and college I did not believe that a male could be attracted to me. I felt ugly and unwanted. I can't tell you how many times I heard "I wish i could find a girl like you" with the words "who is pretty" hanging unspoken in the air.

      I didn't meet my husband until I lost 50 pounds and I was feeling a lot better about myself. I am incredibly lucky to find a good man who loves me and wanted to have a life with me, not just casual sex. He gave me what I wanted and needed.

      Also, how many men do you know who turn down sex? What kind of fit men are these big women sleeping with? Are they wealthy, confident men that normally have no problems picking up the supermodels? Maybe these fit men are just looking for a steady stream of women to have sex with. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard men say that fat girls are better to have sex with because they care more about pleasing the man.

      I can't speak for all women out there, but I can personally say that I don't hold sex or the amount of sexual partners I have to the high standard most men do.

      Also, the doctor covered this, but just because a man will sleep with a woman doesn't mean he wants to be seen out in public with her.

      • Camelopardalis says:

        "Also, how many men do you know who turn down sex?"

        A fair number, in fact. It's a damaging myth that men are all horn dogs who will take whatever sex is offered to them. It's bad for both men and women to believe in this.

        Some men will have sex with anyone (true of both straight and gay men). Some men only want sex in the context of a loving relationship. Many men are open to sex in different circumstances, but will turn it down if something is not right.

  15. Truth is, women are more visual than men while men are intellectual and sexual objectification of men emasculates them which is why men want to be in control.

  16. If men are so visual, why are there so many fat brunettes in marriages and young fat girls in relationships whilst perfectly nicely bodied blonde and ginger girls (like myself) are not even given a second glance? And why are slags always wanted when good, virtous and intelliegent girls are stigmatised, either for having red hair or just ignored/ mocked?

    Grr…

    • Cuz ur prob to shallow to give the right guy a chance, if he doesn't meet you "looks" standard, he will never get a gorgeous woman.

      • I know I'm definitely too shallow to give a guy who uses "cuz" or "ur" outside of text messaging a chance.

    • Maybe some men like women who are a little curvier. Or they actually prefer brunettes to blondes or redheads. This may come as a shock, but I actually know several men who don't typically find skinny blondes particularly attractive. Or, you know, they might just want to be with someone who doesn't come across as quite so bitter and judgmental toward others who don't meet her personal standards of acceptable appearance and behavior.

    • I'll give you a second glance

  17. Wow, this piece of writing is pleasant, my younger sister is analyzing such things,
    thus I am going to let know her.

  18. Height is probably one of the more common ones.

  19. Great post – these are spot on! Like the poster above me said, I too think height is a huge insecurity amongst men who come up a little short.

  20. prettyinblackxx says:

    Hey! Some of us girls love redheads too!

  21. Found with Google.com

  22. Is he that actor on that film where people by the beach went all crazy? LOL. Btw great acting.

  23. Male insecurity is a bit of a worry – I suppose it depends on how secure you are with who you actually are. Some men like to show off, and they are the most insecure, a bit sad really. Maybe the old statoose has a part to play as well, especially in attracting the opposite sex.

  24. This is how girls can honestly say your sexiest quality is your intellegence, kindness, or humor. It's because if we find those things attractive, we transform everything else to see you at your best. The trick is, we have to know you are sexually interested in us, or it's not worth it to us to mentally transform you just to be disappointed or rejected.

  25. The bit where it says "not everyone can achieve six pack abs no matter how hard they work" is literally bullshit. I suppose the writer of this is out of shape or just ignorant. Genetics do play a factor in how fast someone can get ripped, but every single person is capable of getting in good shape unless they're handicapped or whatever. Do research before you make statements poster.

  26. Very meaningful suggestions provided through this article regarding five common insecurities of men!! I think all five reason needed to take care by a man to secure all issues about insecurities. Thanks.

  27. I agree with money the part. Women who are gold diggers or women who aren't gold diggers are to men with wealth and abundance. It makes a man more attractive. I like women who has something going on for herself to. I don't watch TV so I don't feel the need to look a certain way. But, I do feel the need to keep up a good appearance for myself. This is a great piece of content man. I like the blog and the FB page.

    Sincerely, Joe

  28. Also I want to point out that men can succeed with women by simply taking action. Usually it's the mind that keeps a man from taking action. The quote, "we become what we think about" rings true. If men sat down and did self-reflection, they would figure out some things about themselves they didn't even know. They could figure out what their insecurity is and how to reverse it. The crazy part as well is that humans weren't born insecure. It's something we picked up throughout our life. So if we can change our mindset (or thoughts), our actions and feelings will change. Thus, we'll be confident and meet great women.

  29. so true. many guys worry too much.

  30. Hi, I am a 23 year old male and I haven’t really been in a relationships. I have had about 8 1 night stands and this is because I have a below averaged size penis and on most of the occasions I have finished in just a couple of minutes. I have never really gone down on a girl because I never go back to the same girl because I am afraid what she might say/think about the first time. Now I haven’t been with anyone for over 18 months :/ u really like a girl.. And she really likes me, we have been talking for over 2 years … Do I just tell her about my problems and fears .. Or just sleep with her and let her find out and things be awkward ? Preferably female answers or males with experience in this. Thanks.

  31. A lot of guys will tell you that your dick size doesn’t matter but what do you do when that guy is your friend and he tells a bunch of people your size and you find out that a bunch of people are talking shit behind your back and also how do you deal with the problem when we’re ever you go peoplesay size does matter I haven’t had sex in a year and I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m 24 years old and have no job and don’t know how to talk to girls because of my problem so what should I do could use some good advice

    • Speaking for myself, and not all women, if a guy is nice, kind and polite, I don’t mind a small penis. If he is insecure about it, he should tell me. And… If he can’t please me in bed with it, that’s why we have sex shops and oral sex. Don’t worry too much. If she likes your personality, she will like your loving too.

  32. I never noticed being too tall to be a problem.

  33. Citation needed.

  34. Another one is height. I am the tallest one in my family (short family). I never used to care about my height until my girlfriend mentioned that I was short. I never thought I’d feel insecure about something like that but I sort of am now. (I am 5’6) It just feel so silly because I used to be fine before she mentioned it.

  35. Extremely serious recommendations gave through this article in regards to five regular insecurities of men!! I think every one of the five reason required to fare thee well by a man to secure all issues about insecurities. Much appreciated.

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