What Is Chemistry? Part One: Building Sexual Tension

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Ask anyone “What are some of the most important parts of a date?” and one of the most common answers you will get is “Chemistry”.

Of course, when you ask them to describe chemistry, you’ll hear a mix of inconclusive – and fairly unhelpful – answers: “It’s… you know. That spark.” “That intensity.” “That feeling…” “That moment when it clicks.”

You might as well ask nerds to try to explain the Force – it’s about as abstract and just as helpful.

“You want to give me a handy…”

The problem is that because we have such a hard time explaining chemistry it takes on the level of myth – chemistry is just there or it isn’t.

Which – brace yourselves, I’m about to blow your minds – is bullshit.  Chemistry is a mix of sexual tension and emotional and intellectual engagement, and it can be built, if you know how.

Sexual Tension = Frustrated Desire

One of the key components of chemistry is sexual tension. Not attraction - you can find someone attractive or even be attracted to them but not feel that “spark” – but tension. Sexual tension is desire for someone that is somehow thwarted, whether by circumstance, obstacles… or by design.

Yup – by design.

It’s a facet of our personalities that we want that which is denied to us. Ever want to make somebody want something? Tell them they can’t have it. Ever want to make them go nuts? Keep it juuuuust out of their reach. Y’see, when your desire for something is frustrated, you tend to want it more. The closer you get to actually getting it but without actually being able to achieve it causes the desire to grow. Marketers know this, which is why they practice artificial scarcity – they’ll tell you “Call now, supplies are running out!” and rub their hands with glee whenever the news outlets pick up a story on how the HOT NEW GADGET is unavailable.

Want to see it in action? Check eBay the morning after a new iPhone is released.

But we’re talking about sexual desire, not materialism, right?

Except the same principle applies: we want what we can’t have.

And we can deliberately invoke that in the people we’re dating.

I See You Shiver With Antici…

Think about roller-coasters. What makes them work isn’t the steep drops, the loops, corkscrews and hard banking turns, it’s the loooooong build-up at the beginning. It’s the building of expectations that makes the sudden drop immediately afterwards so satisfying; just launching into the ride – the way some coasters do – is less satisfying.

When people – usually guys – talk about “the thrill of the chase” in dating, they’re talking about the lead up to the “conquest”, the heady feeling of inevitability that grows like an orgasm to a crescendo just before you reach the point of no return.

Sexual tension – deliberately building and then frustrating sexual interest – is all about the lead-up.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

This is the key to sexual tension: the build up and then the release.1 It’s a game of “go away a little closer”, where you run hot and cold – you pull someone in, then push them away. You start to build the tension and then cut it off. Think of it like a pressurized tank of gas: it has an emergency release valve. If the pressure grows past a certain point, the tank ruptures; the valve is there to equalize the pressure, keeping it just below the danger zone.

“Better call Kenny Loggins…”

It’s the same with building sexual tension: keep building the tension for too long, whether through flirting or physical contact, and you’re going to redline – either you’ll creep out your date or overwhelm them. Either way, the date’s over and you’re stuck in recovery mode instead of leading towards a night of passion and several hours of squishy noises back at your place. You want to provide a takeaway in order to pull the tension back as well as keep them off balance.  The take-away actually works to your favor by creating a vacuum. The tension is even more notable by its absence, leading the other person to want to fill it. Push, then pull. Bait, then release.The uncertainty, the feeling as though you’re getting closer then having it pulled away, builds the overal desire towards its resolution.

How do you release? There are various ways, depending on what it is you’re doing.

Flirting, Fighting And Teasing

I’m a fan of playful flirting with just a hint of antagonism. Antagonistic teasing is all about the struggle for frame control and dominance: who holds the upper hand in the interaction – and by extension, the relationship? The key is that it’s for fun, verbal sparring rather than an actual fight. Power exchange and and dominance struggles can be hot they build a tension that demands resolution2 . Witness this exchange betwen Vesper Lynd and James Bond in Casino Royale (jump to 1:04 for when the two start to fight to be on top):

Vesper and Bond are striking sparks off one another with little teasing digs paired with insight into each other’s character and ending it with a compliment about his perfect arse.

This is how teasing and antagonistic flirting works: a compliment followed by a tease, or a tease followed by a compliment. They’re both a little combative, a little dismissive and a little playfully condescending, but they never cross the line into actual insult; it’s an unspoken agreement that this is just play fighting, pushing against each other and then pulling it away with the compliment.

This falls nicely into the push-pull dynamic: the fight building tension then the release of the compliment and changing the subject – in this case, effected by a cut to a new scene.

In practice, you want to cut the conversational thread and move on to another topic – one unrelated to what you were just discussing and one that doesn’t immediately lead to another verbal fencing match. You need to space things out, to give the tension room to grow. Going from banter to banter to banter can be exhausting emotionally; you end up feeling as though you’re constantly having to be on guard rather than letting yourself relax and enjoy each other’s company.

  1. Not that kind of release. Pervert. []
  2. which is to say, bangin’. []

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Comments

  1. That scene was the main reason why I "bought" their romance in the movie. Absolutely love it.

    The advice to space the banter out is well-given. I'm in the middle of some antagonistic flirting right now – over FB messages – and I'll be mindful of switching the tone pretty soon here. Even great verbal fencing can get a little stale when you find yourself becoming interested in finding out more about the other person without having to pair your remarks with a clever insult every time.

  2. djTeslaRose says:

    3-Part Comment!!!

    1. This is great advice though I will place 1 caveat. Don't use these techniques to play games with a girl or guy. Flirting and building sexual tension with a push/pull approach is great when both parties are very interested and that part is well understood. It can be really nasty to use these techniques on a person that you view as passing fling or have no interest in really doing anything with.

    2. Ok, some advice for the ladies. You can use the eye trick, holding a cute guys gaze for just a second too long, to have your pick of men in a bar. It indicates interest with you having to make more of a commitment. The best way to use is it is to catch their eye, hold the gaze, then let your eyes slide away slowly to the side (NOT DOWN). Down is submissive (please don't notice me). To the side is powerful, inviting and sexy. Check back in a minute or two. I bet he's staring at you, trying to get the courage to come over and talk to you. Mission accomplished. I've used this to great effect. (My guy friends call them my "special eyes")

    3. As for the sexual tension, with my current partner, I deliberately waited a long time to have sex with him. This is the first time I've chosen this type of dating route. There were passionate makeouts but I held off. In fact, we ended up waiting until he asked for a monogamous relationship. I didn't plan it that way, but that cementing of intimacy and trust before sex made our first time with each other amazing. Ladies, do what feels right, but when you feel safe, loved and you trust your partner, the sex is way hotter!

    Happy Arousing!

  3. This is helpful because the usual response I receive from women when asking them out for a second date is that they had great time on the date, and I'm sweet guy but they are declining because they felt no chemistry. The other response is that after an hour, she determined that we would not make a good couple together.

    My main concern is how to you build chemistry in a chemistry adverse environment. Basically, the first date over coffee or whatever, which is often the best you can manage with women you met online. Most of these dates are audition/interview like where both sides are trying to get the role of boyfriend/girlfriend or determining if you have enough in common to make a second date worth it. In nearly every first date I've been on touching was not an option.

    • Dr_NerdLove says:

      You've had opportunities, you've just trained yourself into not noticing them.

      Even in the coffee date, you have points where you can get into a position to actually do casual touching. To start with: if you're at a local place, odds are good you're going to have couches and love seats as well as traditional tables. Sit on those instead of at a table and you'll a) feel less like you're at an interview and b) be in a better position to touch her arm when you make a comment or to reach and give a high-five when she says something awesome.

      Don't have couches? Found yourself at a table anyway? Don't sit across from her, sit catty-cornered to her! Sitting across from her feels like an interview. Sitting at an angle next to her? Friends having coffee. Instant reframe of the situation.

      • No, what I meant was that I attempted touching and was told specifically not to.

      • Errr nope. No touching or kissing for me on the first date. Especially if you met the person online. I'd feel like the guy is not taking me seriously or thinks I'm easy or something. But then it depends on the guy and if he's really cute and I'm into him I prolly wouldn't mind.

  4. More philosophically, I really do no believe in chemistry. At least I've never really felt a spark on the first dates I've been on. My usual instinct is to always ask for a second date unless the first one went really badly. Good initial chemistry isn't really a sign that you make a good couple and its hard to determine how well you like someone from one date. At least for the women I've been attracted to, the attraction developed over time from getting to know them rather than any sort of "chemistry" on the first date.

    • In my experience chemistry isn't something that happens when you first meet someone, it's something that builds gradually over time.

      • This is my experience to but the usual response when I ask for a second date was "no, because I didn't feel" any chemistry. Many people do seem to think that chemistry happens when you first meet someone.

        • Sometimes chemistry is indeed what happens when you first meet someone. Usually when I'm going on a dating spree of guys I've met online, I don't really have the time, energy, or inclination to see if I can build something up over a long period of time. So I'll be looking for the guys who take the least amount of work to form a fun connection with.

          I'll give more second and third chances for guys I meet through friends, since I'm likely to see them more than once anyway.

          • smarties says:

            Thanks Jay, you just confirm my hypothesis. On those dating sites, women have the luxury to meet hundreds of guys so if you don't trow all kinds of sparks at them, it's up to the next guy. It's kind of a reflection of our society where we don't have patience anymore and want instant gratification. To be honest, if I was in these women shoes, I would probably do the same thing…

            So LeeEsq, I think it's not that most people think that chemistry happens when you first meet someone; it's more that they know that it can and they don't have the patience to wait for it to develop.

  5. I was always rubbish at flirting, it's kind of like drawing or math, you can train yourself to be ok at it but some people are just naturally better at it then others. of all the girls i was in school with i was the most shit at flirting and making this tension chemistry happen.
    i just always felt like a fool. all that batting of the eyelashes, shifting eyes here and there, sideways glances and all these things i felt ridiculous doing them. i don't know if it's a common thing but i just always felt out of my element. Like i was some girl that watched too many Angelique movies and now is clumsily trying to do this elegant fan-dance and failing. like a kid who puts mum's makeup and shoes on.
    and then i just got so tired of it all. all these things women are supposed to do that are supposed to have a great affect and create this atmosphere and for some people it worked, but not for me. i found myself so lost in thinking what to do in this situation or that situation that i could not concentrate on the actual conversation. and i find that that is what i value the most in a person, that we can talk and talk and not get tired of it and not have the conversation be a pretense to something else.
    It's not that i can't do this if i try, it's that i, after trying, have developed an aversion for it.

    • Kiki, Maybe it would be easier if you tried doing it simply for fun. Ultimately, flirting is supposed to be exciting and interesting, versus a goal-driven, "I will find a guy tonight, darn it!" sort of dynamic.
      I know when I'm trying new behaviors that feel a little uncomfortable, I like to think of them as simply an experiment. Something like, let's try the holding eye contact thing with three different cute guys tonight and see what happens. When I have curiosity as my main motive, it helps take the pressure off (for me).
      Good luck!

    • I don't see a problem with not liking flirting. I always thought it was superficial and annoying. I couldn't even stand to be in the presence of a flirty person, especially flirty girls, because more often than not they act giggly and idiotic.

      If you don't see value in flirting, and prefer conversations with more substance, keep doing what feels natural to you. If you somehow learned to flirt and pretend to enjoy it, you'll attract guys who aren't really compatible with you.

  6. Well, let me start by saying that this post is especially relevant to me – because being a bit more physical is a great challenge for me. Reading this post, I started becoming uncomfortable – because to me, I was sure through most of my years that being physical with a girl you don't really know yet is against the norms. Only during the last year have I begun to learn that the opposite is true and that physical signals and non-verbal language are important in general but are critical in dating. Being more physical and learning to understand and also send non-verbal clues is especially difficult to me, because I have a MILD condition of something known as "NVLD" (Non-Verbal Learning Disorder) – which basically means that I have an inherently more difficult time at identifying and understanding non-verbal communication in social situations. Now, it's not that I CAN'T learn these things; it simply takes me more time to do so than the average joe. This is also the reason why I have started taking salsa dancing lessons – not only is it fun, but I am forced into identifying and sending non-verbal communication signals through the dance, plus I am practicing being physical with girls – so to me it's a win-win situation (both fun and educational!).
    As for the "push-pull" thing… that's another thing that I find hard to comprehend. Looking back at the few dates that I had in my life – I realize that in the few that actually led to some kissing/make outs, I had been comfortable enough with the girl that the "playful banter" and/or "push-pull" simply came out "naturally" and not planned in advance. What I mean to say is that I don't think I can simply fake a "push-pull" situation, because to me if I feel that if I am already comfortable with a girl, those things will simply come along as the situation gets more intimate.
    But maybe now I will be more aware to these kind of situations and whenever my next date is, if things will seem to be going well, I will try and apply a thing or two from this post (once again, if I already feel comfortable and "natural" with my date).
    So once again thanks for a great post! 

    • Well that’s good that it’s coming off naturally. It’s SUPPOSED to come off naturally when you’re comfortable in her company.

      That’s what I think alot of problens stem from: some folks read Dr. Nerdlove’s articles as if the advice he’s giving is some straight-forward scientific/mathematic equation or some cheat code they have to punch in when in action when that’s not the case at all. It’s just about being more acute and aware of more social signs you may have not noticed before and getting pointers on what you could do to captilize on it when you seem them. I mean it’s not a One Size Fits All solution like I think some people expect this blog to be, because every person and every situation is different. So don’t get too caught up treating it like it is one, ya know?

      • " It's just about being more acute and aware of more social signs you may have not noticed before and getting pointers on what you could do to captilize on it when you seem them."

        Wow – couldn't have phrased it any better myself. This is exactly what I think about my own personal process of improvment. When I first discovered this blog, I also started to think about the advice in a more mathematical thinking pattern and it took me several weeks to understand that I should simply take the advice and try to adapt/apply them so that they will fit my own personal situations.

  7. AFC1001 says:

    This is something I can see being really difficult to me. I've seen a lot of these things mentioned in PUA material, and when I try to internalise it, it feels so artificial and forced that it makes me uncomfortable – particularly since I couldn't recognise chemistry if you showed me a molecular diagram, and the push-pull, eyeballing and physical contact all seem like they could veer quickly into creep-out territory if you don't judge everything perfectly.

    • Dr_NerdLove says:

      You get better at judging the same way you get to Carnagie Hall: take a left at 57th and Park and walk four blocks, it's on your right, you can't miss it.

      Wait, no, that's wrong.

      What you do is practice, practice, practice.

      Sometimes you have to go out there and give yourself permission to make mistakes until you learn how to be better socially calibrated.

      • AFC1001 says:

        Thanks for the reply – do you have any advice for how to make the practice easier? I do feel that mistakes in the sexual/flirting domain have the ability to make things very unpleasant for all concerned (perhaps not as bad as mistakes in the automotive domain, but drivers have to take hours of lessons and a state sponsored exam) so this area's one in which I'm very reluctant to give myself permission to make mistakes, particularly since I'm getting started with all this stuff kind of late, and don't have the excuse of being young and stupid any more.

        • Sometimes it helps just to get better with people in general. So I find that associating with people in hobbies, clubs, and associations are good practice for improving general people skills and learning how to read signals. And the stakes are lower than in a dating situation so you can get away with being more awkward for a while. Also you get to have fun, develop your skills, and find passions that make you more interesting anyway for when you do go dating.

  8. Sometimes I think society would be better if schools taught socialization the way upper-class families and the schools they sent their kids to taught socialization. A lot of anxiety could be stopped if kids who weren't doing well socially were taught this at an early age rather than flounder at it alone. Maybe schools should take over this functioning of parenting the way they took over sex education since parents seem to be slacking at it, especially for boys.

    The problem is that I could say the same type of wars waged over sex-ed happen over socialization courses in school. Actually more people would be up in arms against it.

    • I for one would be “up in arms” about a socialization course . Whatever exactly that would entail, Im not sure, but it would certainly teach to the dominant forces of socialization in our society… We don’t need yet more reinforcment of hetronormative, sex-negative socialization queues.

  9. I dont know, I've never worried about building chemistry or figuring out when is it alright to kiss. I've kissed guys as soon as we met on the second date and it was all spontaneous and they never seemed to mind.

  10. Guys, someone else mentioned this in one of the earlier posts from last week, I think the one on kissing.

    Romance novels are a blueprint and instruction manual for understanding romantic chemistry.

    Romance novelists are masters at it. They can hinge a 80k word novel on nothing but the development of chemistry. Read some historical romances if you want focus on nothing but how to flirt. I'm serious.

    I see that some of you are feeling off about touching. You can develop wicked chemistry without touching at all. The trick is to start to plant the seeds of "You know you want me," in the mind of the other without ever saying it. Not "I want you" no. "You want me, and I know it."

    In that Bond clip, they never touch, and that has great chemistry.

    Some tips for non-touching chemistry builders. Someone mentioned dancing. Dancing is great for chemistry, but every time you move it is part of a dance with your date.

    Mirror her, subtly mimic her movements and head positions. When she moves, say her hand on a table, you move as well in a complimentary way, pause, then move again and see if she "follows" the dance.

    Move in close enough to touch, but don't.

    Tease her. Make her want to play the game.

    Make it fun to play the game.

    And I'm serious about the romance novel thing. Julia Quinn writes some excellent flirtation so does Eloisa James.

  11. Fallible says:

    I dunno Doc, this post bothers me a bit. Most of the time I find your articles interesting, a different perspective and general advice, but this feels like it's gone over into PUA head-game manipulation.

    I think this is because it's not about presenting yourself in the right light, trying to read what signals your date is showing, or thinking about how you can show what you're feeling. It's about directly manipulating your date into feeling what you want them to.

    This post makes me wonder where you're drawing the line these days. I hope you know.

    • Hmmm….nope.

      The PUA stuff is all about shoving your alpha male macho dominance in a woman’s face by acting all coy and cocky and self-important and full of cheat sheets that you’re going to punch in until you claim your prize. You and only you is the only person that matters. This article is about how people in general tend to esculate from playful flirting to serious flirting to legit sexual tension, and the signs that may (or may not) help one recognize it and capitalize. Lord knows I’m guilty of missing signs that were lit up in neon and beating me over the head…

      It SHOULD be about having fun together and keeping each other on your toes with the sexy teases and building up to that crescendo that you can’t wait to reach. Stuff that takes TIME….which is another thing that threw me off with the PUA thing, which again is all about short tern gains.

      • Fallible says:

        Sorry, I have to disagree.

        Oh, I'll readily admit that I don't know much about PUAs and how they operate, but essentially they manipulate people. They might do it with checklists, alpha-dominance or whatever but essentially they're playing with what's going on in other people's heads in order to change how they feel and get what they want. The post was, when you come down to it, a list of ways to manipulate what other people have going on in their heads.

        Or is it okay to manipulate someone if it takes place over three or four dates rather than just when you meet them? For me the time it takes isn't as important as that you're setting out to manipulate them into feeling a certain way. I feel it's a crossing a line, especially when the first time "these are people, don't be a dick and play games with them" is in a comment (djTeslaRose's) and not the main article – previously Dr N. has noted that sort of thing himself.

        In any case, I felt strongly enough about it I thought I'd try and call the Doc's attention to it, so he can check if his attitudes have changed, and if they have if he's happy with that. If not maybe he'll decide I've read the post badly, or that I'm being over-sensitive.

        • Dear Fallible,

          I think you are confusing manipulation with building attraction. The Doc is not advocating that you head-game change how someone feels about you, but sexual tension is an important component of building a relationship. That doesn't have to be dishonest at all.

        • Gentleman Johnny says:

          Manipulation is something we all do all the time. If you prefer, you can replace the word "manipulate" with the word "convince" but it doesn't change things. People do this all the time, in fact any time you talk something up or down to get agreement from someone else. When you go to get a loan, you try to make yourself look as financially successful as possible. On tax day, you try to look broke.

          The particulars that Doc is discussing in this article are manipulative in the sense of trying to create a desired result. What they are not is manipulative in the sense of trying to create a desired result regardless of what the other person really wants. Ideally, its more of a game. Both sides know its going on and both enjoy playing it.

          • I agree. If this is "manipulation" then smiling as you shake someone's hand during a business deal to set them at ease and make them feel like this is a good arrangement is also "manipulation."

            No, it isn't. It is the 90% of how we communicate that isn't verbal. Manipulating someone is getting them to feel like you have different intentions than you do. Which is why playing the backdoor best-friend gambit is manipulative.

        • This isn't manipulation, it is communication. Okay, guys, as a girl I'm getting a little irritated with this "I can't ever express interest or I'm automatically a creep and taking advantage of the poor women who don't really want to be sexually interested in me" bit.

          Here's the deal. Women are not ubiquitously vapid. When you start to communicate with a woman on this physical level she's also having a non-verbal communication with you. She is deciding, do I like this? Do I not like this? Am I charmed? Or am I unimpressed? If you are on a date with someone, it is perfectly natural to start this non-verbal dialog.

          Please do! If women do not get this sort of non-verbal communication from you, then what we feel is that you aren't attracted enough to US to start this conversation, and we feel terrible. On the other hand, when someone starts getting flirty, it feels good, and if we are comfortable with the person, we want to continue the dialog.

          You are only being manipulative if your expectations do not match your dates expectations, and you are deliberately misleading her to assume that your expectations do match her expectations only to break that promise later. THIS is where the PUA garbage is so upsetting. They send all the signals that they are so infatuated and interested in the girl, but in reality she's a conquest, not a person that they ever really wanted to know. So all their intense attention is misleading. They don't really care who she is, only if they can break her down.

          That is manipulation.

          If you are on a date because you are looking for a "whatever" type of relationship with a girl that is on the same page as you. Then starting these non-verbal chem builders is NOT manipulation, it is communicating interest to her. Her response to that interest is up to her.

          We're big girls, guys. Stop beating yourselves up. We can handle ourselves so long as you respect us.

          Now please, flirt away!

  12. Herman_Cain says:

    Nice article you got there.

  13. I don't understand the video – so people generally see that exchange as flirting? I would be terribly insulted if someone spoke to me that way and would never believe they they were flirting. But then again I'm often accused of being too literal and either don't see or completely misread a lot of social cues anyway.

    • Yes, that was flirting.

      Bonds end of the conversation: You're very attractive and good at what you do, but I'm the one in charge here, and I think secretly you like that.

      Vesper's end of the conversation: Really? Mr. Bond, you think you're something special, but I'm not about to fall for such nonsense. I have a job to do, and while you may be handsome and charming, I won't give in, because you are the type of man who gets what he wants too easily. Try harder, Mr. Bond. You may just impress me in the end, but I'm going to make you enjoy the chase.

      See, flirting.

    • AureliaVerity says:

      Actually, i agree.
      I've not seen the movie in it's entirety but this exchange doesn't really make me go "oomph, they are going to be breaking furniture tonight!"
      this is much more a scene which establishes that both characters are on even ground, sure Bond seems to be interested, but Bond is always interested.

      Also, i love how Vesper is supposedly wearing "Masculine clothing", i mean really that is a perfectly tailored feminine suit showing off every curve of her body. Annie Hall she is not.

  14. Captain Bobo says:

    Holy crap doc! That’s a Jedi mind trick you pull with the fear response technique. Only for very advanced students I think.

  15. I don't appreciate the normative tone. This is one way that people often behave on dates, but it is not the only right way. If someone tells me that she doesn't want to go out with me again because we didn't have enough chemistry, I will take this to mean that we aren't compatible and that's okay. I will not take it to mean that I'm doing something wrong by not creating enough sexual tension. The problem is that both of us went into the date desiring to get something different out of it; I should not have to change my behaviour to what she wants. I would much rather find someone else to date who prefers directness over mind games.

    • AureliaVerity says:

      hear hear,
      Directness is sexy, it's so refreshing to go out with a guy and he's just there to get to know you and see when that takes his, not peacock about like a dingus.

      I think i understand what the doctor is saying to say too though. i think most of it comes down to the fact that if you're going on a date you have to input something in to get something back. you can't just ask twenty prepared questions, tell your pre-planned twenty answers and hope that this will convince the person on the other end of the table that yes, you are datable material. Because that's not a date, it's a dinner interview.

      You have to be engaging, take risks, make jokes, make conversations about topics interesting and unusual and throw the other person off, make them think "oh this is new" but not in a rude way. you have to resist telling them your life story, mention some things in passing, like a trip or an event and if your date looks interested but doesn't press you for it, don't continue. that way, there will be a reason to meet again. the person can't walk off from the date feeling that she knows all about you. Weave into conversation things that you think she might be interested in, hobbies, pass-times and so forth, and this way you'll know if there is a connection,

      of course there is a decent chance that you have nothing in common. She's want's to know if Kanye and Kim are still dating and you are still undecided how you feel about the news of a new Doctor Who companion. She loves paragliding and traveling to exotic locations and you can't stand heights and the thought of leaving your home for one minute. maybe it's even more obtuse then that, maybe it's something little but it's there and you don't feel like it's going to work out.

      Well no problem, order desert, maybe try for another date and if it does not work out move on. I don't consider that PUA behavior, that's just getting to know a person. now if you, despite knowing that you do not want to pursue any type of relationship with such a girl still try to get her into bed using the tricks above or other. well then you're a douche and you need to jump anus first on a rusty spike.

      but if you're not, well, bless you, keep trying.

  16. Just take the red pill and be done with it, Neo.
    http://heartiste.wordpress.com/the-sixteen-comman

  17. I am impressed with your ability to clearly articulate behavior that has always naturally occurred for me. This break-down is totally helpful for those not as tuned in. And as a lady, when both parties are drawn to each other I don't experience this as manipulative at all– it heightens the whole experience exquisitely!
    Thanks Dr. NerdLove!

Trackbacks

  1. [...] last time, we talked about the physical aspect: taking attraction and ratcheting it up via sexual tension. This time we’re going to talk about the other side of chemistry: the emotional and [...]

  2. [...] that, you have many options. To start with, you will want to deliberately build physical chemistry and sexual tension, especially with physical escalation. Pulling hair (from the base of the scalp, not like you’re [...]

  3. [...] invite her to your place. If you managed to build enough sexual tension she will not hesitate to come back with you to your place. Ask her casually by saying things like [...]

  4. [...] and worse dates? The toxic exes, the Ones That Got Away, the dates where there’s been no chemistry, the date you thought was amazing but ended up going nowhere. How many times have you despaired [...]

  5. […] do you any good. No matter how much intellectual chemistry you may have online, you need the physical chemistry for things to work out. One of the key points in McKinlay’s story is that he went on over 50 […]

  6. […] how is this done? I have to direct you to What is Chemistry for some good James Bond suggestions of the Tease, compliment, tease, […]

  7. […] the physical symptoms of sexual desire. Captain Hammer is taking advantage of a condition known as misattribution of arousal; her brain is thinking “Hey, I’m terrified but why? OK, there’s this big hot guy […]

  8. […] as though they’re getting mixed signal, especially on the first couple date. If there’s no sign of physical chemistry, even a good night kiss, then your date may think you’re just not interested in her at all or […]

  9. have a peek at this web-site

    What Is Chemistry? Part One: Building Sexual Tension

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