Archives for November 2011

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Short and Sweet

November 30, 2011 by Dr. NerdLove 7 Comments

Sometimes the questions require longer answers. Sometimes they’re fairly simple, like today’s mix. Let’s go.

Doc,

Recently, I asked out a good friend of mine (let’s call her Sara) and genuinely thought that she was interested in a relationship. We talked almost every day and related really well. She said no, and later, another friend of mine who had talked to her said, “Would you rather have her reject you now or find out in two months that she only dated you out of pity?” Sara and I don’t talk anymore because it’s too awkward, even though we had a brief conversation that we were both fine and that it wasn’t a big deal. Should I give up on being friends with her?

Well the question comes down to two questions.

First: How strong is this friendship? Are the two of you willing and/or able to let this awkward moment pass without dwelling on it and letting it eventually becoming one of those fond memories you’ll laugh about years down the line?

Second: Are you honestly fine with having been rejected? Can you honestly continue being friends with her without constantly moping about what you could have had?

The second one is perhaps the most critical. Guys will frequently insist that they’re fine, even when they really aren’t. It’s part of the way guys are brought up; we’re not supposed to show emotions or vulnerability, so the last thing we want to do is admit to the person who rejected us that we’re hurting.

So be honest with yourself: are you really ok with just being friends? Will you honestly be able to watch her date other guys without letting the jealousy eat away at you? Are you hoping that if you stick it out, you’ll get a second shot? The last thing any friendship needs is an agenda. If you’re thinking of sticking around in the hopes that one day either she’ll come to love you or that you’ll wear her down, then you’re not really being her friend.

If the answer is a solid, honest yes to both, then you don’t have to give up being friends. Just realize it’s gonna take some time and distance for the awkwardness to fade.

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Nerds and Male Privilege

November 28, 2011 by Dr. NerdLove 762 Comments

I want to tell you a story.

A few years ago, I was dating a girl who was decidedly not nerd curious. She tolerated my geeky interests with a certain bemused air1 but definitely didn’t participate in ’em… not even setting foot inside a comic store on new comic day. She’d wait outside until I was done… which could be a while, since I was friends with several of the staff.

She came in the store exactly once, after I’d explained that no, it’s a pretty friendly place… well lit, spacious, organized and with helpful – and clearly identified – staff members who were willing to bend over backwards to make sure their customers were satisfied.

She was in there for less than 4 minutes before one mouth-breathing troglodyte began alternately staring at her boobs – evidently hoping that x-ray vision could develop spontaneously – and berating her for daring to comment on the skimpy nature of the costumes – in this case, Lady Death and Witchblade. She fled the premises, never to return.

When both the manager and I explained to him in no uncertain terms as to what he did wrong he shrugged his shoulders. “Hey, I was just trying to help you guys! She couldn’t understand that chicks can be tough and sexy! Not my fault she’s a chauvinist,” he said.

And that was when I shot him, your honor.

So with that example in mind, let’s talk about a subject I’ve touched on before: Male Privilege and how it applies to geeks and – more importantly – geek girls.

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that I would later find out was the belief that she’d be able to break me of such silly fancies [↩]

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Post Mortem: Lonely Soldier Girl

November 24, 2011 by Dr. NerdLove 15 Comments

It’s time for another Post Mortem, where we take a look at reader’s recent dates or relationships and pinpoint just what went wrong and why. This time, however, it’s the good Doctor who’s getting his time on the examination table.

Yup, we’re going to dissect one of the dating misadventures from my past, look at what I did right, all the things I did horribly wrong and just how I might have recovered from things. And let me tell you, there were mistakes a plenty to be had here. Certain details have been changed to protect the innocent1 and keep the guilty2 from being sued into oblivion.

Incidentally, this is why I frequently recommend that you document your approaches with women, whether you’re coming in cold with a stranger or making a “warm” approach with someone you already have a social connection with; being able to look over what happened with a critical eye can help you pinpoint the areas where you’re having problems. You can’t fix your trouble spots if you don’t know what they are in the first place.

But I digress. I give you the case of the Lonely Soldier Girl.

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i.e. anyone who isn’t me [↩]
me [↩]

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Supporting Roles

November 23, 2011 by Dr. NerdLove 8 Comments

Hey Doc,

I’m gonna apologize beforehand but it’s one of those “I have this friend…” questions. I’m a guy and this friend is a girl. Her boyfriend broke up with her after a very serious 2 year relationship (living together and all that stuff). The dude was very fucked up and turned my friend from a happy-go-lucky girl into a depressed, drawn-back husk of a woman. She is on the road to recovery but every 3-4 months that guy gets in contact with her and tells her all about how he misses her and he can change and so on, they get back to together and after 3-4 weeks leaves her again, completely destroyed. She knows he’s bad for her but she has gone back to him several times even after breaks as long as 7 months. My question is how I can help her getting over him, so she can lead a happy life again.

Emotional Life Guard

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Twilight and Relationships

November 18, 2011 by Dr. NerdLove 177 Comments

I wasn’t planning on doing a Learn From This about Twilight or even mention Twilight it’s message about relationships. To me, it felt a little too much like beating up a special-needs kid.

Obviously things have changed.

I had been planning to ignore the release of the penultimate movie in the fiction series that JUST! WOULDN’T! DIE1 !! but evidently a number of my readers are planning on seeing it – either against their will2 or with the benefit of some… shall we say chemical enhancement and they have all written in to insist that I write about the damned thing3. And since evidently I am nothing if not a sucker for constant nagging…

Well you win you bastards. Fine. Let’s do this and get it over with4

Twilight is, without a doubt, one of the largest festering cancers inflicted upon the literate -and movie-going – world today.

We’ll ignore the sub-par writing, the fact that Bella is a blatant Mary Sue stand-in for Stephanie Meyer or the fact that it means that Kristen Stewart continues to be convinced that acting consists of “bite your lip” and “dull surprise”.

I shall heroically restrain from pointing out that calling the plot “thin” is an insult to paper and the characters one-dimensional is an insult to spatial relations. I will even not point out the critical research failures that reach almost Dan Brown levels.

Instead, let’s focus on the meat5 of the matter: the relationships and just why this is forming a malignant tumor that will – unfortunately – shape people’s expectations of relationships and how women are supposed to relate to men for years to come.

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