Sometimes the questions require longer answers. Sometimes they’re fairly simple, like today’s mix. Let’s go.
Recently, I asked out a good friend of mine (let’s call her Sara) and genuinely thought that she was interested in a relationship. We talked almost every day and related really well. She said no, and later, another friend of mine who had talked to her said, “Would you rather have her reject you now or find out in two months that she only dated you out of pity?” Sara and I don’t talk anymore because it’s too awkward, even though we had a brief conversation that we were both fine and that it wasn’t a big deal. Should I give up on being friends with her?
Well the question comes down to two questions.
First: How strong is this friendship? Are the two of you willing and/or able to let this awkward moment pass without dwelling on it and letting it eventually becoming one of those fond memories you’ll laugh about years down the line?
Second: Are you honestly fine with having been rejected? Can you honestly continue being friends with her without constantly moping about what you could have had?
The second one is perhaps the most critical. Guys will frequently insist that they’re fine, even when they really aren’t. It’s part of the way guys are brought up; we’re not supposed to show emotions or vulnerability, so the last thing we want to do is admit to the person who rejected us that we’re hurting.
So be honest with yourself: are you really ok with just being friends? Will you honestly be able to watch her date other guys without letting the jealousy eat away at you? Are you hoping that if you stick it out, you’ll get a second shot? The last thing any friendship needs is an agenda. If you’re thinking of sticking around in the hopes that one day either she’ll come to love you or that you’ll wear her down, then you’re not really being her friend.
If the answer is a solid, honest yes to both, then you don’t have to give up being friends. Just realize it’s gonna take some time and distance for the awkwardness to fade.
A question for Dr. Nerd Love from another married guy. I’ve been married for almost two years now, and my wife is great. Like most people, I have my share of “what might have been” women. During my idle moments, I think about seeing if they’re on Facebook and seeing if they want to reconnect. It’s not like I’m looking them up to hook-up with them, and maybe part of it is to show them that I’ve turned out pretty well too. I can’t figure out why this interest comes up every now and then since it doesn’t seem connected to the temperature of my marriage.
It’s entirely natural to think about the ones you could’ve1 had and what they’re up to now. With the advent of the Internet and social networking, it’s even easier to track them down and get a glimpse of what they’re up to.
And let’s be honest here: it’s not just to show them that you’ve turned out pretty well… it’s also about “Are they still hot?”, “Is she still single” and “Could I still hook up with them if I wanted to?” It’s all about the fantasy; yes, you love your wife, but you like imagining that if the circumstances were just right, you could get another shot at turning “the ones who got away” into “the ones I had.” It’s easier to keep the fantasy going when you know that she’s not married to some bartender and gained forty pounds and a couple of kids since the last time you’ve seen her.
Why do you do it even though your wife’s awesome and you’re relationship’s solid? You do it because you’re a guy. Pretty much every guy on Earth does this and it’s a harmless fantasy. The big secret about monogamy (shamelessly plundered from my celebrity spirit-guide Dan Savage) is this: being in a monogamous relationship just means you’re not having sex with other women. It doesn’t mean you don’t want to.
Hey nerdlove, i got a question that may help those of us who have been born since 1991. What tips can you give on someone’s first time?
1) is it better to get with a girl who isn’t a virgin?
Up to you, really. Some guys feel more comfortable with someone who can show them the ropes. Some guys prefer the thrill (and awkwardness) of the two of them making that leap at the same time.
Personally, I favor the former, but it’s all about personal preference.
2) what can i do to last longer for my first time?
Your first time’s gonna be quick no matter what you do. All of the excitement and new sensations and built up expectations are going to mix together and make it next to impossible to manage much staying power. The only thing that I would suggest2 is to jerk off a couple hours in advance. It’ll slow you down. But not much.
3) is foreplay over rated?
No. And the sooner you lose that idea, the happier your future girlfriends will be.
4) does foreplay work against the second question?
It’ll make sex as a whole last longer. It won’t make the time between penetration and ejaculation any longer.
you gotta help me Doc,
there is a girl I really like, she is my roomate’s fiancee’s best friend (sounds more complicated than it is.) she and I have known each other and been good friends for over a year. I really care about her. about a month and a half ago, we went bar hopping as part of a birthday celebration. we had fun and I wanted to ask her out, but one of our other friends introduced her to this dude at the bar. now they’re dating, and it’s killing me.
help me doc, I need a game plan,
Start dating other girls.
It’s not going to help you get her, but it’ll help you get over the jealousy. Sitting around pining for her and trying to figure out how to steal her away from her boyfriend (or waiting until they break up) isn’t going to do you any good. You’ll be missing out on the girls you could be dating if you devote all your time to the one you can’t.
And next time, don’t wait to ask the girl out. You hesitated. The dude at the bar didn’t. The dude at the bar won. Remember that next time.
My girlfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now, we’re still in highschool and I’m skeptical of your powers. So I’ll start off with a simple question; her father has hated me for the entire time, tried to bribe her out of the relationship, and just overall show disdain towards me… What should I do?
Well that all depends. Just what is he offering? I mean, if it’s a car or cash money then y’know, most high-school relationships don’t last past graduation anyway…
But once we get past the wacky sitcom universe you and your girlfriend seem to be in, it all depends on what her dad’s problem is with you. You may be diametrically opposed personalities, you may have been rude or disrespectful at some point and he hasn’t forgiven you, you may be the guy your girlfriend’s dating because it pisses her dad off or it could be as simple as the guy doesn’t think you’re good enough to date his little princess.
Sometimes parents don’t like their children’s significant others. Either you sit down and try to talk it out with him man to man or deal with his withering scorn.
And consider taking the bribe. You could always just continue dating behind his back.