• Archives
  • Contact Me
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Contact Me

5 Behaviors That Ruin Relationships

June 25, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 22 Comments

« Previous 1 2 View All Next »

It’s surprisingly easy to ruin a perfectly good relationship.

You may not be aware that you’re doing it. Hell, you may think that you’re doing everything right to help keep your relationship healthy and strong… so when your significant other sits down across from you at dinner with that look on his or her face – you know the one – it comes as a total surprise.

The problem is that sometimes what helps a relationship survive – and what ends up killing it instead – can be completely counter-intuitive. Some behaviors, especially if you’ve been single for a while or just aren’t used to committed, long-term relationships, may feel absolutely natural to a single person… but they’re poison to relationships. If you want to keep your relationship running strong, you need to know what you may be doing that might be ruining it instead.

You’re Letting Sex Just “Happen”

One of the biggest lies that we tend to absorb is that we shouldn’t think too much about sex. Sex is best when it is utterly spontaneous and  the best way for sex to occur is that you throw yourselves at each other like a couple of weasels in heat when you happen to have a free moment.

Preferably in slow motion. That’s how you know it’s true love.

The strength of your relationship is measured by how often any alone time turns into the two of you sucking face like a couple of hogs eating the same banana.  If you really love each other sex will just happen. If the sex happens to slow down (or stop all together)… well that’s a sign that something’s wrong. You’re probably not doing enough to help your partner relax and get in the mood.

So What’s The Problem?

That random, spontaneous sex is great… when you’re still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship and everything is new and exciting. The problem is, that mad passion is going to fade. It’s a part of every relationship – the initial wave of passion recedes and is replaced by a deeper emotional intimacy and companionship. After that initial wave of passion, when you’ve started to settle into your life as a couple, it gets harder to make sex “just happen”. Responsibilities mount up and eat away your free time. You may have deadlines that you can’t afford to miss and trying to meet them saps your energy. Your partner may be stressed about work and just can’t spare the time to think about sex. The housework has mounted up to the point where you feel like you’re fighting an unending battle against disorder and mess. There will be more and more nights when one or both of you are just so goddamn tired that the spirit may be willing but the flesh would really rather go to bed and try again tomorrow.

And if you have kids… yeah. Good luck.

An active, satisfying sex life is incredibly important to a relationship – too important, in fact, to just leave it up to chance. So instead of hoping that life really is like a Cialis commercial and waiting for the right moment to come around, you make it happen. You put sex on the schedule and stick to it.

I like to mix it up with alternating Tuesdays and Thursdays. Aawwww yeah.

Treating sex like something on your weekly to-do list can feel a little odd at first – it’s hard getting past being taught that sex is supposed to be a spur-of-the-moment thing – but it actually makes sense. If it’s a regularly recurring event, you learn to schedule around it and ensure that you have the time to make the magic happen. Even if you’re not strictly in the mood, taking the time for at least some naked snuggling can help reduce tension, improve feelings of intimacy and get those endorphins flowing.

You Have Too Much Togetherness

One of the best parts about a relationship is that you don’t just have hot-and-cold running sex on demand and splitting half the rent, you’ve got yourself a partner in crime! You never have to feel lonely because you know that they’ll be right there with you through thick and thin! Right there! All the time! Because that’s what couples do!

So you’re dragging her off to watch Prometheus – even though she can’t stand sci-fi – and in exchange you’re going hiking in the woods with her even though you hate the sun and are allergic to just about everything with more than two legs. Even when all you want to do is unwind after a very long day of dealing with the assholes at work and blow away some pastel colored bastards in Whimsyshire, she wants you to come with her to do the grocery shopping. Meanwhile when all she wants is to relax on the couch with some popcorn and quality time with the boys from SAMCRO, you want her to come with you to the beer tasting at the local microbrewery. And when it comes right down to it, your friends have all come to accept that hanging out with one of you means hanging out with both of you… despite the fact that what you really want is just a night out with your buddies.

Because you’re supposed to share every moment you can together. Because that’s what couples do.

Oddly, being in a relationship seems to be an awful lot like starring in “Midnight Run”.

Even if it means that you’re sighing with barely concealed frustration in the produce aisle. And she’s pointedly checking her watch while you’re in line for the Pecan Porter. And your friends have quit calling because… well, they’re getting frustrated over the fact that you’re only available as a package deal.

So What’s The Problem?

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that you’re now joined at the hip or that you no longer have any need for time on your own. In fact, it’s more important that you both get some alone time than it was before you started dating. There is no better way to smother the flames of romance than to squeeze every single ounce of togetherness you can out of life. Think of it like two rats in too small of a cage; eventually they end up trying to kill each other. All of those petty little irritations and annoyances have a way of building up over time; if you don’t have some sort of a release valve, you can quickly find that your love has been replaced by bitterness and resentment for smothering the life you used to have.

You need space, emotional as much as physical,  to let your frustrations dissipate and have an identity beyond “Half Of A Couple”. A brief escape from all that togetherness – whether it’s physically going somewhere else or taking a couple hours to zone out in front of the computer or Xbox without being disturbed – can make all the difference between feeling as though you’ve got your beloved trying to crawl up your ass and remembering that you’re actually in love even though he annoys the shit out of you sometimes.

It’s worth noting that teen couples are especially prone to this behavior – when you’re young and full of fluctuating hormones, every relationship feels like THE MOST EPIC ONE IN HISTORY!!!! and you’re supposed to be wanting to spend every waking moment around your honey or else it’s proof everything is falling apart and he’s cheating on you and she’s about to go pull a train on a bunch of jocks because you fucked up and she’s mad at you. 

They get over it.

Theoretically.

Related Posts

  • Episode #139 — How To Help Your Relationship Survive the COVID-19 QuarantineEpisode #139 — How To Help Your Relationship Survive the COVID-19 Quarantine
  • ASK DR. NERDLOVE: How Do You Keep The Spark In Your Relationship?ASK DR. NERDLOVE: How Do You Keep The Spark In Your Relationship?
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Talk To My Girlfriend About Our Sex Life?Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Talk To My Girlfriend About Our Sex Life?
  • How To Have That Awkward ConversationHow To Have That Awkward Conversation
  • This Is Why Women Won’t Date YouThis Is Why Women Won’t Date You
  • Paging Dr. NerdLove Minsiode #21 – How To Save Your RelationshipPaging Dr. NerdLove Minsiode #21 – How To Save Your Relationship

« Previous 1 2 View All Next »

Share674
Tweet
Pin22
696 Shares
Pages: 1 2

Enjoy my work? Want to help support the site? Consider becoming a patron!



If you want dating advice you can take on the go, be sure to check out and if you enjoy them, please don't forget to give a review on Amazon and Goodreads.

And thanks, I can't do it without you.

Our Sponsors

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • Robjection If you're talking about the situation as of when the LW wrote in, then yes, they're not in a sexual relationship. However, it wasn't always clear when they were and when they weren't. Unless you can...

    I Don’t Know How To Get Over My Ex ·  February 28, 2021

  • fuzzilla I think it's cruel to have any kind of sexy times if you feel "meh" and want to distance yourself and know the other person is all in on the relationship train. I think she made her feelings clear...

    I Don’t Know How To Get Over My Ex ·  February 28, 2021

  • Jimmy Two-Hammers Even if they were still having some sexy times or being somewhat intimate, and I'm not sure they were, she made it REALLY clear she didn't want a relationship and was uncomfortable with him making too...

    I Don’t Know How To Get Over My Ex ·  February 28, 2021

  • fuzzilla I'm sure there's a bunch we don't know, and probably no one was a perfect angel. I tend to take the side of the one NOT giving mixed messages, and it just isn't the case that they agreed to be 100%...

    I Don’t Know How To Get Over My Ex ·  February 28, 2021

  • rullerofallmarmalade I strongly hold by the saying “always be cautious of unsolicited reassurance”. It’s most often a lie

    I Don’t Know How To Get Over My Ex ·  February 28, 2021

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attitude attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity Meeting Women mental health oneitis online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship maintenance relationships self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity what not to do youtube