Hi Doc,
I’m an avid reader of your blog. Thanks very much for all the insightful advice!
It’s helped me and I think I’m on the path to a better life. Yet, before finding your blog, I had been trying to self-improve for years and I am left to wonder if I will ever be truly happy. OK, I realize that probably sounds like a big issue to tackle, so let me start with my very immediate concern and perhaps give some context.
I am a man in my mid-thirties whose dating life is in a coma. I know what I want: a long-term relationship with a woman who will eventually (after 2-3 years maybe) want to start a family with me, but I’m open to less long-term stuff before that happens. Anything to get the ball rolling. I haven’t gone out on a date in 6 months and I’m not meeting anyone new.
There are reasons why that is: main reason is that dating hasn’t been my focus at all for the past three years. I’ve had a bout with mental illness and depression. (All my life I had been suffering from extreme downs, melancholia, OCD and I was increasingly delusional. It grew out of hand three years ago and that was when I was hospitalized and diagnosed.) I therefore felt the need to move back to my home city to be closer to my family. It took quite some time but I can say now that, thanks to the proper medication and the support of my loved ones, I’m finally functioning normally and in fact feeling “better than ever”. So I’m at least glad to have won that battle.
But things are different: I still don’t put a lot of effort in dressing well, having a nice and neat apartment, or even having a healthy lifestyle (cooking for myself, exercising. I mostly just eat out – and am now somewhat overweight, to my dismay.) When I’m not “falling off the wagon”, I take baby steps and try to improve those areas. I was and am still working on myself, and since my illness try to have a simple routine to tackle life. I’m content with my steady, yet interesting job, and my healthy and close (I think) relationship with my immediate family.
And now, I want to resurrect my dating life. I know less people here than in the city I lived in previously (for over a decade), therefore I need to work on my networking. I enjoy dancing, so I’m taking some lessons and hoping to make friends there. Also, I’ve just subscribed to an online dating site. So I’m expecting things to pick up, provided of course I do my share of the work, overcoming approach anxiety… etc. And I do have a certain amount of self-limiting beliefs that I need to change.
I think I have a deeper problem though – forming healthy long-lasting relationships with women. Throughout my life, I’ve only had two girlfriends that I wanted to keep long-term. The others, I just didn’t think were “good enough” for me. In retrospect, I wish I had given some of these other women a chance, but at least I can say life has taught me a lesson or two there. I was reading what you wrote about learning from the movie Don Jon, and I suppose I have been very superficial in my romantic “targets” over the years and quite the ego-centric. Throughout my life, I have felt incredibly lonely, and have (except for a 4-year relationship) practically always been single. The fact that I had undiagnosed mental problems probably didn’t help my love-life either.
I have in the past undergone therapy, for years even… I don’t think it did much good, except with the last person. Right now, for financial reasons and also because I am feeling better, I’m not consulting anyone. Yet I do continue to feel lonely, and that leads me to think I am a co-dependent person.
I think that pretty much sums it up. I would really love to have your advice: whether I’m on the right path, or am I overlooking something completely?
Thank you so much for your help.
Signed:
Ill Communicator
Hey Ill C, there’s not really much I can say here except congratulations on the progress you’ve made and that you should be incredibly proud of yourself. Hell, I’m proud of you.
You’re doing everything right. You’ve faced down your mental illnesses and got help – I can tell you from experience that it can be incredibly difficult just to admit that you need help, never mind actually getting it. You’ve fought your way through the worst of it and now you’re on the mend and putting your life back together. That takes a lot of courage and mental fortitude and it says a lot about your strength that you were able to accomplish all of this. You’re also playing it smart when it comes to trying to bring your dating life back on line and by the sounds of it, you’ve got the right mental outlook on life. Just be sure to take things slow and easy; jumping in with both feet is good way for anyone to end up demoralizing themselves, even if they hadn’t had to put everything on hold.
I will say – again, speaking from experience – that working on your lifestyle, especially healthy eating and exercise will do wonders for your outlook and mental health. Exercise increases blood-flow to the brain and releases endorphins and neurotransmitters like seratonin (a natural mood-lifter) into the bloodstream; this will increase your energy and improve your mood, and it’ll work well in concert with your medications to help with your depression. The simple act of doing something to improve your health will also improve your sense of self-worth. Keeping your apartment clean and neat can also help – I’ve found that the clutter and mess in my place can throw my mood off drastically if I’m not careful about it. Plus, c’mon: eventually you’re going to have some folks you’re going to want to bring back to your place. You don’t want to worry that you’re about to lead them into a pig-sty, right?
It’s understandable that you’re lonely. I think more of us feel that way than people realize. But you are doing the right thing in going out and trying new activities. That’s the best way to find more people in your area. You might also check into local events that meet your interests; there might be an amateur sports league that sounds like fun or even just a book-club.
I would recommend that you continue to talk to somebody. I realize that money can be an option, but there are low-cost or even free options out there for getting help.
To start with, the local colleges in your area may have a free or low-cost clinic for the public. The therapists you would be talking to tend to be post-graduate students working with a trained and licensed mentor who supervises the sessions. Check your local college or university’s psychology department web page for more information; these clinics are more common than you might think. The American Psychological Association has a locator tool to find therapists and clinics in your area – you can reach out to a few of those to see what low-cost options they may have.
There are also online options like MoodGym which focuses on self-directed cognitive behavioral therapy. Other sites like 7 Cups of Tea or BlahTherapy focus more on providing someone you can vent to rather than full on therapy; these are free-to-paid and can be useful if there are times when you just need to talk or get some constructive feedback without having them actively trying to problem-solve.
Regardless: you’ve made amazing progress and you’re on the right path. Keep up the good work and check back in to let us know how you’re doing.
Doc,
I was wondering if you or anyone else have been noticing this trend of being really compatible with someone in text and being shy and awkward when actually meeting with them. I guess I should provide some background first to illustrate what I mean.
I’m 29 and a bit inexperienced when it comes to dating. And when I mean inexperienced, I mean I’ve only kissed one girl two times and fooled around with another without it going all the way. I’m sure you can extrapolate from there. Suffice it to say, I’ve barely an idea on what to do when it comes to touching women. Fast forward to now.
I’ve been seeing this 23 year-old girl I met on OKCupid for a couple of months now. We’d exchanged a few emails until I finally asked her out to coffee. She gave me her number and asked me to text her so we could set something up. After finally getting up the nerve, I sent the initial text after which we talked for quite a while. We were surprised to see how comfortable we were texting each other. The way she put it, it was like we were old friends. This definitely made me feel better about meeting up with her.
So we met for coffee, which went well enough. There were definite signs of awkwardness on both sides, but I totally expected that. No worries! We hugged goodbye and agreed to meet up again.
We’ve had several meetings since then, yet all with differing results. In between meetings we keep in touch on text where we banter and flirt well and even sext with each other at points. However, in person, we’re a lot more reserved and almost scared to touch each other. We’ve cuddled and kissed (again, with differing results), but I feel unable to take things further than that or act on things that I’ve said to her in text. There are other issues, but for the sake of brevity, the texting thing seems to be the main one.
I took to reading quite a few of your articles to understand more about how to build chemistry, getting past the touch barrier, ways to make her feel comfortable around me, etc. Even with all that, we’ve both noticed that we seem unable to translate our texting rapport, if we could call it that, into our in-person encounters.
I really don’t feel like I’m the only one experiencing this either. My little sister, who only just began dating and is part of a generation that’s more used to texting has seen the same thing where she’ll find herself being honest and open in text, yet shy and reserved when near the guy she’s seeing. Really surprised me to hear that.
I know texting has its obvious advantages over constant phone calls, but I wonder if maybe my sister and I (and possibly others) have come to rely on it too much. If so, what can we do to fix the issue? Or is there some other issue I’m simply not seeing?
Thanks for listening and keep up the good work!
-Texting Junkie
From the sounds of it, you’re both on the shy side of things and relatively inexperienced.
The thing you may have noticed is that texting is a disinhibiter when it comes to communication. When you’re not immediately in somebody’s presence – or even talking to them on the phone – it’s easy to overcome your natural shyness and reticence and say things that you might never say in person. You’re less likely to feel judged or awkward because it simply feels like there are fewer consequences; in a very literal way, people almost feel less “real”, which means the stakes are functionally lower and you’re able to let your guard down a little more.
When you’re together in person, however, things can be a little different. Now you’re actually there, you’re experiencing the difference between what’s essentially a fantasy and the reality… and the reality is way more intense. You may have had all kinds of dirty talk via texting or email or IM, but now that you’re together in person there’s body heat and you can feel her breath on your skin and smell her hair and you’ve noticed that your hands are shaking because now you’re trying to actually recreate what you were talking about and the stakes feel so much higher and how are you supposed to pull off those things you were talking about, what if you do things wrong or they get weird or maybe they have second thoughts or, or, or…
(Incidentally: This is the difference between dating someone online and dating them in person. No matter how hot and heavy you two may get online, even via Skype, there’s nothing equivalent to being in the same room with somebody, letting your pheromones wash over one another and feeling the intense sensations that only physical presence can bring).
Now there are two likely causes for the problem here. The first is that it could very well be that you’re just not that into each other or she’s not that into you physically but feels like she should be after the way she’s been flirting up a storm via her phone.
The second is that you’re both just shy and reserved and feeling the pressure to live up to everything you’d been saying via text. Either way: the key here is that you need to just relax and use your words.
You mention reading over the articles on chemistry and trying to make her feel comfortable, but you don’t mention whether or not you’ve actually talked about how shy and reserved you’re both feeling. You’re both feeling awkward and uptight, even though you both know you’re into each other. You know the best way to kill the awkward? Call it out. Just say “you know what? I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling kind of awkward and nervous right about now.” Own your awkward feeling. Be willing to admit it exists. Let yourself be vulnerable and just own up to the fact that you’re feeling weird and shy and isn’t it ridiculous?
I think you’d be surprised by her reaction; I’m willing to bet that she will just about explode with relief that somebody said it and now it’s out in the open instead of the two of you just pretending that it doesn’t exist and trying to force your way around it. Don’t try to force a resolution – don’t just say “this is awkward, we should be able to suck face ok, 1, 2, 3 GO” – but just bring it up. Talk about it. Explain how you’re feeling and encourage her to explain how she’s feeling. And be especially willing to laugh at yourselves over it. That laughter will help release the tension… and will help you with what happens next.
Good luck!
Hey! It’s Gamer Girl from “Never Gonna Get It.”
I have an update on the problem I asked for your advice about before– wherein a guy friend of mine with a crush had suddenly started being physically clingy and a tendency to be just on this side of creepy.
Turns out that I never got the opportunity to call out my grabby friend on his actions. I avoided spending time alone with him, and a few weeks later summer break pretty much cut out any chance at a confrontation. When the new school year started, he had gotten over the clinginess- both emotional and physical, thank goodness-, but still obviously was nursing a crush.
After about two months of this weird wow this is awkward status quo, a friend of his told me that the reason why he hadn’t told me about this REALLY FREAKING OBVIOUS AND LONG-LASTING CRUSH is because he thought I would freak out and totally cut him off as a friend, which is a probable explanation for the grabby-hands thing. I have a feeling that he was trying to kind of ease himself into a relationship without, you know, actually having to tell me that he wanted a relationship, so he wouldn’t lose me as a friend. Great thinking!!! ADVICE TO TEENAGE BOYS: THIS IS STUPID AND ALSO CREEPY.
So, the next time I saw him, I interrupted him while he was talking about some new movie that came out. I basically told him: “Sorry, I’m not really concentrating on what you’re saying! I am very distracted right now.”
He asked, “Why?”
And I said, “I know you have a crush on me.”
He looked away a little and made this little noise like he had just been punched by a Chihuahua. “Ergh.”
I said, “I’m not going to freak out or stop being your friend over this. I have known this was happening for more than six months. I have basically been waiting for you to say something.”
After that, it was a little less awkward. Turns out that he was scared of me giving him the cold shoulder, and that’s the reason why he didn’t tell me about his crush. All in all, he took the news really, really well.
Ever since then, I’ve been maintaining a little bit of a distance– i.e. telling him I’m busy whenever he invites me over, which isn’t actually too far from the truth– because I’m trying to let the crush die out a little quicker, but I’m treating him like a friend and in return he has respected my boundaries.
Thought this might be helpful for guys who are unsure about whether they should tell their object of interest whether they have a crush! Basically: please do. You are putting this girl into a hell of second-guessing and also wondering if you are a legitimate threat. Just tell her. Thank you.
Also, many thanks to both you and the commenters! Your advice was super helpful and definitely gave me courage to call him out in the first place.
–Gamer Girl