Ask Dr. NerdLove: Help, I'm Too Frustrated To Date!

Hello Dr. NerdLove,

I’m a big fan of your writings and your youtube videos and am immensely glad that there’s a guy giving good dating advice that doesn’t spring from that weird toxic pickup artist bs. You’re doing a great service to men of the world. Anyway, onto my question.

I’m a 24 year old man who’s a virgin (long story short: late bloomer due to issues with anxiety and depression). I’ve made great strides in recent years, in no small part thanks to the therapist I had seen for about 2 years, ending in December of last year. I have lots of friends, diverse interests, and having finally started living on my own starting in the summer of last year. I’ve begun dating as well, mainly through dating apps though I’m trying to get out into the bar scene and other meatspace opportunities to meet potential dates. Though it can sometimes be hard to find a friend willing to head out with me (just another joy of being an adult I guess).

Anyway, while I don’t have trouble finding dates (I’m not great at it, but still learning) I do find myself being somewhat stymied by my sexual frustration at times. I have a very high sex drive (often having ‘me time’ at least once or twice a day), and whenever I get on Tinder or Bumble and start swiping my mind immediately goes to thoughts of potentially having sex with them. Same thing when I see a cute thing at a bar: my mind can pretty quickly go from “Oh she’s cute” to “I really want to see her with her top off” pretty damn quick. I obviously don’t want to approach them with that thought bouncing around in my brain because I’m worried about coming on too strong thanks to my desire, and because I’m genuinely interested in a relationship without jumping into bed with someone right away. Even when I can keep that frustration in check, when I start talking to someone I’m interested in that lust can pop up pretty damn quick, which I feel in turn makes me act like I have more invested in this person than I actually do, which in turn can make me come on to strong and seem desperate.

How can I deal with my sexual frustration? How can I make sure to keep my desire in check and not come on too strong with dates or potential dates? Is this really a problem, or am I just letting my dating anxiety get the best of me and making excuses not to talk to these people?

Sincerely,
Revved Up With No Place To Go

Not that I’m not sympathetic, RVWNPTG but you’re kind of making a mountain out of an erection here.

The problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have. I mean yes, you’re hornier than a three-peckered billy-goat, but let’s be real here: it’s not like all the blood is being pulled from your brain and now you’re just a mindless beast. It’s not like you’re finding yourself raging out of control, helpless before the power of your own lust. You’re just having really horny thoughts and worrying that it’s leaking out into everything you’re doing.

And while yeah, I think it’s safe to assume that folks are twigging to the fact that you’d like to get laid, I don’t think this is any different from all the other straight guy out on the scene. Those thoughts you’re having? They’re normal, my dude. It’s not like these are so intrusive that you can’t function or leaving you so horned up that you’re having to excuse yourself to the men’s room six, seven, eight times per day. You’re just seeing people you find attractive and having a perfectly normal and expected reaction to that attraction.

But is it affecting you? Well, you might not be making the best decisions possible, but horny people have long made poor choices when it seemed like sex was on the table (and the couch and the floor). I mean, the less said about some of the decisions I made when I was younger when I thought there was a vague chance of getting laid, the better. Let’s just say that I can relate to some of those boner-jam road trip movies on a deep and personal level and leave it at that.

Now I could understand being worried about a Paradise By The Dashboard Light situation where you make promises without thinking or pursuing someone you aren’t actually interested in just because you think it might lead to your getting some. But honestly, it doesn’t sound like you’re being boorish, crude or making people uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure that if you’d had some experiences where you blew it or actively drove someone off, then that’s something you would’ve brought up in your letter. Instead, it sounds more like you’re worried that you might be coming across this way. And hey, fair do’s. Being conscious of how you’re coming across to people is an important part of developing your social calibration and cultivating your emotional IQ.

But there’s being conscious, and then there’s letting your jerk-brain run away with you. It sounds to me like your bigger problem are the what-if and fantasy scenarios that are causing you anxiety, rather than anything you’ve actively done. It’s like you said: this is just good old-fashioned approach anxiety piping up and giving you reasons to not talk to people. So my advice to you is the same advice I give to anyone struggling with approach anxiety: don’t give yourself time to be afraid. Give yourself three seconds, then go talk to them. Are you afraid? Ok… go do it anyway. You’ve got nothing to prove and even less to lose. All you’re doing is starting a conversation and seeing where things go.

And if you’re really worried that your terminal horniness is going to get in the way? Then just rub one out before you go out.

Good luck.

Hey Doc,

I had a conversation recently that had been weighing on my mind a bit. For background, I’m a 29 year old male, overweight and a virgin.

So, I had been out with a friend for their birthday with a bunch of people I only kind of know and, since I can’t drink for medical reasons, I was the DD that night. I ended up taking 4 different people home and the last one was a woman who was pretty sloshed. Because her place was pretty far away from the last one, we were talking while I drove. Things were alright until the subject of sex came up. It was a little odd when she was talking about herself and some of the things she had done, but I can handle that. Then she started asking about me.

I figured “I’m a virgin” would stop that cold, but since it was, in her words, “incredibly obvious,” she started asking about other things. Stuff like kinks, what kind of porn I might watch and stuff like that. Then she asks the worst question she possibly could. “How big are you?” After trying to deflect for a bit I eventually gave in and told her that it’s about 4 inches. It took her a few seconds to realize that I didn’t mean a soft 4. At first she thought I was joking but after a few seconds she stopped laughing and realized I was serious.

Maybe if she was sober she would have just stopped there, but being drunk made her a bit of a rambler. To paraphrase, she basically said that with my stomach area being a large as it is and me being so small down there, the likelihood of anything really satisfying happening, for either me or anyone I was with, would be about zero. After a few minutes of this I finally get her home and we part ways. She apologized for being embarrassing and awkward, but I told her not to worry about it. After all, everything she had said was true and if I’m bothered by the truth, then I the one that’s in the wrong, not her.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about this off and on for a bit and was wondering if it was possible to be unable to have sex at all due to these compounding size issues. I tried to do a little research on the matter, but there isn’t a whole lot out there regarding my specific issue that I could find. Most thinks I could find dealt with other physical issues, like heart conditions, high blood pressure and similar things. I was wondering if you had any advice or sources that might give me more information.

Small Soldier

Your “friend” is an asshole, SS, and she’s full of shit besides.

First of all: fat people have sex. Fat men, fat women and enbies have sex all the time. Big butts, big bellies, thunder thighs… none of these are keeping folks from getting busy. The idea that your gut is going to get in the way like some sort of demented rocking horse is the stuff of really offensive comedies, not reality. And honestly, even if it were the case that your stomach made it impossible for you to achieve penetration in, say, missionary, well you could always lay on your back and let some lucky lady ride you like a pony.

(And that’s just talking about penetration. There’s still all kinds of sex to be had that’s not PiV, my dude.)Second of all: this woman has no idea what she was talking about. Your dick may be on the smaller side of the bell-curve, but not by much. The average penis size is around 5.5 inches, erect. Meanwhile, the average vagina is approximately 3.7 inches in depth, expanding slightly during arousal. So you’re not exactly going to be having problems filling things out. It’s also worth noting that just as penises come in various sizes and widths, so too do vaginas; there are women who are smaller than average and women who are larger than average too. There are plenty of women out there for whom you’d be a perfect fit.

That is, of course, assuming you’re measuring it correctly. Most men don’t. If you’re going to measure things then you need to measure from the top, starting at the tip and then pressing the ruler back until you hit the pubic bone, not just where your stomach starts.

But as cliche as it is to say, penis size matters mostly to men, not to women. First, as a general rule, girth is more important than length for the psychological satisfaction of a feeling of fullness that some women prefer. More importantly though is that 85% of women are satsified with their partner’s penis size, which runs the gamut from the field mouse to the elephant. This isn’t surprising because penis size doesn’t do a nearly as much for actual pleasure as guys tend to think. The vast majority of women don’t climax from penetration alone; most women require direct stimulation to the clitoral glans in order to orgasm, which penetrative sex doesn’t accomplish. So even if you made Ron Jeremy look like he was packing a gerkin by comparison, you’re not actually hitting the love button the way most women require.

And to be perfectly blunt: dudes with horse cocks tend to be lousy lovers. Most of them tend to assume that since they showed up with a giant dong, the job was done and all they do is just pound away like a monotonous fleshy jackhammer. That’s a lousy way to make women feel good, even if she’s a size-queen.

You know what does make a good lover though? Someone who gets that there’s more to sex than “tab a into slot b, repeat”. Almost all women will get off with a combination of oral and manual stimulation and deep kissing… even if your junk never comes near hers. So no matter how big your junk is (or isn’t), your tongue and hands will be more than big enough to give her the oompf that she’s craving. And if she wants that feeling of being stuffed full? Well, that’s when you start getting comfortable with incorporating toys into sex. Don’t let the fact that you’re using a vibrator or a dildo throw you off. The toy isn’t doing the job any more than the hammer is building the house; it’s the hand that wields it that’s bringing her over the falls.

And if what she’s looking for is to feel you filling her up? Well, not only are there things like strap-ons for folks with penises, but there’re also penile sheaths for folks who want to fuck like an over-endowed pornstar on occasion. Plus, there’re positions that’ll help get deeper penetration, especially downward-facing rear-entry or going side-saddle.

So, in short: you’re worrying over nothing, SS. Now, if you want a little (purely psychological) reassurance, you could work on losing some weight; the fat pad between the penis and the pubic bone can cause things to look shorter than it actually is, so losing weight will make you seem bigger. But honestly, tongues, hands, a can-do attitude and a willingness to take some direction are going to make you a far better lover than having a wang so big it makes you pass out every time you get hard.

Plus, one often overlooked benefit of being slightly smaller than average?

It makes oral sex way easier for women.

Good luck.