Hello Dr. NerdLove,
I’m a big fan of your writings and your youtube videos and am immensely glad that there’s a guy giving good dating advice that doesn’t spring from that weird toxic pickup artist bs. You’re doing a great service to men of the world. Anyway, onto my question.
I’m a 24 year old man who’s a virgin (long story short: late bloomer due to issues with anxiety and depression). I’ve made great strides in recent years, in no small part thanks to the therapist I had seen for about 2 years, ending in December of last year. I have lots of friends, diverse interests, and having finally started living on my own starting in the summer of last year. I’ve begun dating as well, mainly through dating apps though I’m trying to get out into the bar scene and other meatspace opportunities to meet potential dates. Though it can sometimes be hard to find a friend willing to head out with me (just another joy of being an adult I guess).
Anyway, while I don’t have trouble finding dates (I’m not great at it, but still learning) I do find myself being somewhat stymied by my sexual frustration at times. I have a very high sex drive (often having ‘me time’ at least once or twice a day), and whenever I get on Tinder or Bumble and start swiping my mind immediately goes to thoughts of potentially having sex with them. Same thing when I see a cute thing at a bar: my mind can pretty quickly go from “Oh she’s cute” to “I really want to see her with her top off” pretty damn quick. I obviously don’t want to approach them with that thought bouncing around in my brain because I’m worried about coming on too strong thanks to my desire, and because I’m genuinely interested in a relationship without jumping into bed with someone right away. Even when I can keep that frustration in check, when I start talking to someone I’m interested in that lust can pop up pretty damn quick, which I feel in turn makes me act like I have more invested in this person than I actually do, which in turn can make me come on to strong and seem desperate.
How can I deal with my sexual frustration? How can I make sure to keep my desire in check and not come on too strong with dates or potential dates? Is this really a problem, or am I just letting my dating anxiety get the best of me and making excuses not to talk to these people?
Revved Up With No Place To Go
Not that I’m not sympathetic, RVWNPTG but you’re kind of making a mountain out of an erection here.
The problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have. I mean yes, you’re hornier than a three-peckered billy-goat, but let’s be real here: it’s not like all the blood is being pulled from your brain and now you’re just a mindless beast. It’s not like you’re finding yourself raging out of control, helpless before the power of your own lust. You’re just having really horny thoughts and worrying that it’s leaking out into everything you’re doing.
And while yeah, I think it’s safe to assume that folks are twigging to the fact that you’d like to get laid, I don’t think this is any different from all the other straight guy out on the scene. Those thoughts you’re having? They’re normal, my dude. It’s not like these are so intrusive that you can’t function or leaving you so horned up that you’re having to excuse yourself to the men’s room six, seven, eight times per day. You’re just seeing people you find attractive and having a perfectly normal and expected reaction to that attraction.
But is it affecting you? Well, you might not be making the best decisions possible, but horny people have long made poor choices when it seemed like sex was on the table (and the couch and the floor). I mean, the less said about some of the decisions I made when I was younger when I thought there was a vague chance of getting laid, the better. Let’s just say that I can relate to some of those boner-jam road trip movies on a deep and personal level and leave it at that.
Now I could understand being worried about a Paradise By The Dashboard Light situation where you make promises without thinking or pursuing someone you aren’t actually interested in just because you think it might lead to your getting some. But honestly, it doesn’t sound like you’re being boorish, crude or making people uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure that if you’d had some experiences where you blew it or actively drove someone off, then that’s something you would’ve brought up in your letter. Instead, it sounds more like you’re worried that you might be coming across this way. And hey, fair do’s. Being conscious of how you’re coming across to people is an important part of developing your social calibration and cultivating your emotional IQ.
But there’s being conscious, and then there’s letting your jerk-brain run away with you. It sounds to me like your bigger problem are the what-if and fantasy scenarios that are causing you anxiety, rather than anything you’ve actively done. It’s like you said: this is just good old-fashioned approach anxiety piping up and giving you reasons to not talk to people. So my advice to you is the same advice I give to anyone struggling with approach anxiety: don’t give yourself time to be afraid. Give yourself three seconds, then go talk to them. Are you afraid? Ok… go do it anyway. You’ve got nothing to prove and even less to lose. All you’re doing is starting a conversation and seeing where things go.
And if you’re really worried that your terminal horniness is going to get in the way? Then just rub one out before you go out.
That is, of course, assuming you’re measuring it correctly. Most men don’t. If you’re going to measure things then you need to measure from the top, starting at the tip and then pressing the ruler back until you hit the pubic bone, not just where your stomach starts.
So, in short: you’re worrying over nothing, SS. Now, if you want a little (purely psychological) reassurance, you could work on losing some weight; the fat pad between the penis and the pubic bone can cause things to look shorter than it actually is, so losing weight will make you seem bigger. But honestly, tongues, hands, a can-do attitude and a willingness to take some direction are going to make you a far better lover than having a wang so big it makes you pass out every time you get hard.
Plus, one often overlooked benefit of being slightly smaller than average?
It makes oral sex way easier for women.