Dear Dr. Nerdlove,
I find myself in a quandary. I met this amazing girl on various smoke breaks outside of work, as she had business in the same building.
We hit it off, and she’s a huge nerd too, but she’s been dealing with a lot of loss at home and has been traveling back and forth, so it was hard to pin down time to hang.
The other night, I ended up bumping into her and some of her friends at a local bar, which spun into another bar, then an apartment, and ultimately an all-nighter. It was an incredibly fun time, but here’s the caveat: I found out a short while before that she’s “kind of” seeing someone. I made moves anyway, and there was some smooching, and I know that she’s into me, but now I’m starting to have minor regrets.
I’m a nice guy, and always have been, so I can’t help but feel bad about making a move on someone else’s girl. It’s impossible for me not to put myself in his shoes and see how pursuing her would be unfair to all three of us.
On the other hand, I don’t want to give up on her, because she’s really fucking awesome. So I don’t want to move forward and hurt someone else for my own ends, and I don’t want to give up and miss out on time with her. I know she’s into me, and she confirmed that she’s not all that invested in her current relationship, but that doesn’t make it right.
So do I go after her and become the happy fuckwit we nerds have always hated, or back off and just look for someone else? I don’t think, with the current level of attraction, that we could just hang platonically, so it’s either or.
Is all really fair in love and war?
Best,
Former Fat Kid
Hey, FFK, have you considered asking her what she thinks about all of this? I mean sure, it’s noble of you to want to back off (despite making a move anyway) now that you know she’s “somebody else’s”1 but let’s be honest here: you’re making unilateral decisions based on a whole lotta facts not in evidence.
Let’s look at what you know and what you don’t know. You know that she’s “kind of” seeing someone else. You know that she’s not all that invested in this other guy. You know she likes you. That’s all you know about this. You don’t know what the rules are with her other relationship. You don’t know whether they’re exclusive or whether “kind of seeing” means they’ve gone on some dates, maybe fooled around a little but never actually, y’know, talked about things. Hell, you don’t know what he thinks about all of this. You’re basing all of your ideas on where this is going on a whole lot of assumptions and the idea that you’re somehow intruding on somebody else’s property.
Right now it seems like you’re much more worried about the fact that somebody else has a “claim” on this woman than what she wants. You’re assuming you’re “stealing” someone else’s girl without considering the fact that she has some say in this too. It’s nice that you don’t want to hurt this guy you don’t know but straight talk: you’re not “stealing” anyone. You didn’t persuade her to make out with you against her better judgement. She’s gonna dump her boyfriend soon, regardless of whether you’re there or not. The fact that she’s “meh” about him is a pretty good sign that the relationship is officially circling the drain. Some people, men and women both, will use another person as a sort of relationship self-destruct button. Other times, they may discover they’re really into to somebody (who’s not their significant other) and that makes them realize it’s time to end things. But whether you pursue her or not, you aren’t going to be the cause of their break-up; the fact that she’s not really into him is going to be the cause. You are simply going to be break-up adjacent.
And in fairness: this is also assuming that she’s going to turn around and start dating you exclusively afterwards. Don’t get me wrong: she very well might! Or she may just prefer to be single right now and enjoy a no-strings-attached hook-up with that cool guy she met on a smoke-break. You don’t know. Maybe you should find out, huh?
So before you get too caught up in this moral dilemma, take some time and have a talk with your make-out buddy. Figure out where the two of you stand – both with what’s up with the two of you as well as what’s up with her and her other guy. If you’re worried about the ethics of the situation, make it clear that you’re interested in dating her if and when she ends her current relationship. See what she has to say. Then make your decision as to whether this is something you want to pursue or not.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
My boyfriend and I are in our early 20’s and have been dating for over two years now, and in so many ways we are an amazing match. Knowing that he gets me on so many levels is such a blissful feeling, but of course, there is one problem the relationship. His spoiled upbringing is getting in the way of our home-life. He was raised by a wealthy and rather patriarchal family, and therefor taught how to do absolutely nothing. “Women’s duties” were done by his mother and “men’s duties” were done by people they paid. Cooking, cleaning, finance, car maintenance, and even basic home repairs are completely foreign to him, and though he acknowledges that his parents did nothing to prepare him for adulthood, it still leaves me in the shitty position of finishing THEIR parenting.
He resents them for failing to teach him anything, and wants to learn how to be more independent, but he doesn’t necessarily go out of his way to improve the situation. I’ve made some progress, teaching him some basics in cooking, encouraging him to experiment in the kitchen and try things out by himself. The problem though is when he tries something and fails, he becomes completely flustered and overwhelmed and gives up. I’ve seen this “I can’t do anything” attitude before in kids who were raised spoiled, it’s like when they hit adulthood they can’t believe how unprepared they are so they just stop trying. Is there some way to get over this syndrome and get him to grow up? He’s slowly getting better, but in the meantime I’m still picking up the slack from everything he doesn’t do. All cleaning, finance, and basic everyday planning falls on me unless I specifically ask him to do something. Will I have to hold his hand the entire way, teaching him absolutely everything about life or is there something I can do to encourage him to proactively seek out the knowledge himself? I’ve been seeing this topic come up a lot lately in friends’ posts on Facebook, so I know I’m not the only one seeing this epidemic of man-babies. What can us girlfriends do to combat this can’t-do-anything mindset?
Sincerely,
I’m Not Your Mom
There comes a point in every man’s life when he realizes he doesn’t know how to do important shit. At that point he has a choice: he can either learn how to do it himself or he hires someone else to do it for him. Sometimes he will be self-directed in learning how to do things; he gets frustrated or feels like a loser for not being able to do X, Y or Z and makes a point of gathering that information and experience himself. Sometimes it may be a purely practical decision, recognizing that being able to cook for himself means that he gets healthier meals for far cheaper than he would going out to eat every day.
And sometimes he needs a boot in the ass from somebody that teaches him he needs to grow the hell up and get some self-sufficiency.
Now it’s important to note, INYM, that every relationship, no matter how egalitarian, has a certain division of labor. People tend to sort out the household chores and responsibilities according to ability and affinity regardless of gender; the neater partner tends to do more of the cleaning, while the more economically minded partner tends to do more of the finances, for example. But when one person is straight up not doing anything? Then it’s time for a come-to-Jesus talk.
Sometimes you can hold somebody’s hand through things and ease them into what they need to do. Other times, you may need to get them to do things the way I was taught how to swim: pick him up and drop him in the deep end. He’s resentful that his parents never taught him how to be independent? Well, the best way to learn is through doing – so now it’s time to start doing things. Since he doesn’t start doing things without being specifically told, give him specific things that are now his responsibility. Basic laundry – that is, things that don’t go beyond “machine-wash warm, tumble dry low” – for example, may be a good starting place; once you’ve separated out the hand-wash and lay-flat-to-dry items, it’s pretty hard to screw up laundry too badly. Same with simple cleaning: dusting, vacuuming, etc. You may also want to divvy up meal prep; one or two nights a week, he gets to make dinner. Encourage him to broaden his culinary horizons, even if he screws it up; next time he can do better.
You’ll probably have to help out the first couple of times with all of these, just to make sure he doesn’t accidentally toss your hand-wash bras in with the jeans. But don’t let things fall into the “FINE, you can’t do this, I’ll do it,” trap. Screw ups are part of how we learn. As he does more around the house, reward him. Not in the sense of “do your chores, get a treat,” but simply letting him know that you notice and appreciate his efforts, even if he’s not a grand-master chef or Bob Villa or what-have you. A little positive reinforcement goes a long, long way.
Incidentally: one of the things that can help encourage him to do the research necessary to pick up more skills? YouTube. You can find instructions and how-to’s for damn near anything on there.
Yeah, this can feel a little like giving chores to a sulky tween. But at the same time: we tend to respond to what people expect from us. When the people who are important in our lives allow us to coast, we tend to coast. When they expect us to shape up, we’re more motivated to shape up. We care about what they think about us, and feeling like a disappointment to someone you love frankly sucks. On the other hand, that sense of approval and respect from them? It’s powerful. You don’t need to be his mom; you just need to be his motivation to grow up.
(As an aside, the problem your boyfriend is having is something that psychologists have noticed in children who are praised for being smart, rather than for being a hard worker. When the smart kid fails at something, they tend to assume “well shit, I’m smart! So if I can’t do this, it’s clearly impossible.” When the hard working kid fails, they tend to assume that they need to work harder at it.)
Good luck.
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