Hi Dr NerdLove I need your help
I’ve got myself in a sticky situation with a girl I’m starting to date. Well let start at the beginning.
So one Day in class this really cute girl sits next to me and we start talking and hit it off. So it turns out she is being the nerd I’ve ever meet. She plays d&d, reads the books, plays yu-gi-oh and is a gamer. So I’m like there’s a unicorn in front of me and I have to kill it, skin it, mount it head on my wall and make sauge with its body. So I end up getting her number( she gave it to me I didn’t have to ask) , we start texting and have been texting for the last month or so.
I also immediately made sure to stay of the friend zone. I told her I was interested in her but not ready for relationship having just gotten out of one. So fast forward to now a month later and I ask her out on a date and she says yes. So I’m texting her later on and she say her girlfriend( i knew she was bi) is okay with it as long as she comes home to her. My brain completely melts at this revelation. I’m ask her if she was Poly and she didn’t know what that meant so I ask her if she would have multiple partners and she didn’t give me a clear answer. So we still have date on Saturday and today I find out her mother knows about me. I’m so confused because I really like this more than any other girl I’ve been around so I’m hoping this turns out well but there are a lot of variables involved. My friends are like leave it alone but I don’t know. Please help Dr. NerdLove your my only hope.
P.s I’m a dude.
Settle down, Beavis.
First: geeky girls, who play RPGs, collectible card games and like the odd turn on the Xbox or PS3 aren’t all that rare. I just spent a weekend at a con that was packed full of ’em. It’s cool that she’s into the shit that you’re into, but let’s not turn this into a goddess walking the earth, blessing the mortal nerds with the chance to possibly get into her Holiest of Holies, shall we? The more you freak out over the idea that geek girls exist, the more you put pressure on yourself over what to say, what to do and monitoring everything she says like a Bletchley Park mathematician trying to crack the Enigma Code.
As it is, you’re already freaking out about shit that ultimately isn’t that big of a deal.
Here’s all you need to know: she’s bi. She has a girlfriend. Her girlfriend has given her the OK to go on a date with you (you DID establish that this was a date, yes? Not a “casual hanging out as bros” meet-up?). That’s it. Everything else – the way she describes her relationship, what her mother does or does not know, what your buds have to say… all of this is irrelevant. You aren’t just making a mountain out of a molehill, you’re importing custom moles from China in order to start a ski-lodge in Oklahoma.
You have not even gone on the date yet and you’re already freaking out. Take a deep breath. Hold it. Let it out slowly. This is not the time to start worrying about your future relationship with this girl. You barely know her. You are seeing whether or not the two of you have any chemistry at all before you get into issues about open relationships vs. polyamory and where you fall in the relationship hierarchy.
One step at a time. Go on your date. See how that goes. If it goes well, go on a second. Maybe even a third. Maybe then you can start broaching the subject about what the relationship rules between her and her girlfriend are. Not the Defining The Relationship speech, not yet, just seeing what the potential options are should things go down that route.
If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out and there will be other women. She’s not a unicorn. She’s not a mythic goddess. She’s a geek, she’s a woman and there are plenty others out there who are both. Chill.
Dear Dr. Nerdlove,
I am in a bit of a spot here,I would love some help, and I will try not to ramble on. So last weekend, my friend brought me along to hang out with these 4 girls I’ve never met before except for one, who is a friend. We show up, things are friendly enough, and once the alcohol starts flowing everyone opens up more and people start dancing. Now, at this point, this one girl comes right up to me and we grind for most of the night (not trying to brag, just trying to tell the story). She even made out with me a few times, and even when we weren’t dancing, she was leaning on me and pulling me around with her.
She left and I hadn’t gotten her number, but she did friend me on facebook. I messaged her and the whole conversation we had seemed…awkward. She was talking to me but she seemed slightly reserved. Being a curious little cuss, I look at her facebook profile and find out that she has a steady boyfriend 5 years older than me. At this point, I am stuck. What do I do? I really like this girl, but I am at a loss to know what to do. Was the encounter just a byproduct of the alcohol, or am i just over-analyzing a simple situation? Your response would be great help!
– A Wallflower Trying To Make His Way
Hard and fast rule: the dance floor does not count. It is it’s own beast with it’s own rules and the girl who had absolutely no problem with grinding her crotch on your thigh may not want to have anything to do with you as soon as the song is over. Club make-outs mean next to nothing; clubs have their own social rules that encourage people to get a little wilder than they normally would in the name of partying and sometimes that means swapping spit with someone you normally wouldn’t.
(Presumably we’re talking about a club here; you neglect to say whether this is at a nightclub, somebody’s house party, a impromptu flashmob in the middle of Grand Central Station or what.)
From the sounds of things, it’s a fairly simple situation: she was out having fun. She had a few drinks – maybe more than a few. She liked you enough to dance with you and hang out with you and between the thumping beats, the booze and the social atmosphere was kinda turned on, enough to make out a little.
The next day, in the cold light of sobriety, when the music is gone and she’s nursing her hangover and wondering which stray cat stopped to take a shit in her mouth while she was sleeping and would everybody PLEASE just be quiet, maybe just think quiet thoughts… she realized that she done fucked up. She got a little carried away the night previous and did some ill-advised things in the heat of the moment and would really prefer not to be reminded that she stepped over the line a little with someone who wasn’t her boyfriend.
Now here you are, a reminder that she went a little wild, a potential complication to her hopes that maybe her near infidelity would get flushed down the memory hole and she’s trying to gauge just how bad things are going to get. She’s wondering if you’re going to assume that that makeout session was a promise? Are you going to make a fuss that’s going to affect her relationship with her boyfriend? She’s being a little reserved because she doesn’t want to be rude, but she also doesn’t want to encourage you into thinking that there’s anything more than just a crazy night at the club.
My advice: you had a fun night. You made out with a total stranger. That’s a pretty damn good weekend in my book. Leave it at that and move on.
I came across your article: When It’s Time To Break Up (and When It’s Not). Your perspective (your past experience) is exactly what i need. My current relationship had every characteristic of the ones you listed in your article and we stuck though it and now… well … now there is this word barf you see below
I hope my long email is forgiven, as well as my rambling. Anytime i feel i have too much to say or too many questions i use bullets, the grammatical kind 🙂 , so here it goes
- Issue part A: I am a horrible person and in December of 2012 i cheated on my long term boyfriend (lets call him chad) with a co-worker. I should have never done this for many obvious reasons but the fact of the matter was and still is that we ended up having a very strong connection. I still think of him every day. When my BF found out because he found an email, my whole world turned upside down. I [lost] my friends, was emotionally unstable in front of co-workers, left my job. We went to another country and are still there now with no jobs, no money, and each other. We love each other deeply and have been able to do a lot of reparative work but i cant get rid of the thoughts of this other guy. Before i left, other guy asked me not to, said he wanted a life with me… scared of regret and also filled with love for Chad, i turned him down. I love my BF and understand how what i did killed a big part us that we are trying to rebuild but what do i do with this completely consuming feelings for another person?
- Issue part B: My BF (Chad) is a very talented solo musician, we have been dating steadily since HS and are now 30. I am your average business girl. Chad has never had confidence to go out and play, he practices all day, won’t book himself gigs, is constantly down on himself and just sits and waits for things to come to him. it drives me nut. some big reasons i was attracted to this other man is because i guess my priorities shifted and other guy was chad’s exact opposite – team player, sports guy, 6 o’clock loose tie, go-getter, lots of friends, etc. I see appeal in both.
- Chad wants to get married. He is sweet and loves me in the dance with you in the kitchen on a rainy day kind of love, we are like two peas in a pod until it comes to real life issues. Combine that with the fact that i cant stop thinking of this other guy and i am sort of freaking out. It is shit or get off the pot time.
It is time for us to head back to the states soon and back to facing the reality of our hurtful past. Chad cheated on me many times in our past, we have been through all the ups and downs (control issues, family problems, confidence issues, money problems, death, long distance, you name it we have had every problem but a mortgage) The day to day is beautiful, but i feel like sometimes i am masking another side of me. Ignoring an inner little voice
I have two choices:
1) Go back home in my current relationship, live at his parents house while we find work, and in all honesty i may have an more successful go at that and then hopefully get on our feet and maybe by then i would have forgotten my daemons and found compete satisfaction in my relationship
2) I can say i love you but sometimes love is not enough, go back to my old job, my old city that i love and frankly have a coffee with this guy and see if there is still a chance in hell? Chad deserves all the love in the world and i want to give that to him but i cant get rid of what ifs’.
I don’t know how to clearly ask my question. I am hoping with your experience in life and in giving advice you can weed through my words and help point me in the right direction.
Ramble ramble ramble ramble .. ugh! bla! please help 🙁
Torn Between Two Lovers
Cold hard truth-in-song-lyrics time: sometimes love just ain’t enough.
You have some serious drama going on. I mean, cutting all ties and fleeing the damn country in order to get past an infidelity is, frankly, pretty fucking extreme. I’m a big believer in moving someplace new to rebuild your life (hey, having done it myself) but… yeah that’s a bit much. And, if I might point out the glaringly obvious: it didn’t fix anything. The problem isn’t the Other Guy. The problem is you and Chad. You aren’t working.
I don’t doubt for a minute that you honestly and dearly love Chad… but there are all kinds of practical problems that love just isn’t going to overcome. The fact that you cheated on Chad isn’t a sign that you don’t love him – as I’ve stated many times before, love doesn’t mean you don’t want to fuck the everlovin’ shit out of other people – but it’s a pretty good indicator that there’s trouble in paradise.
You’ve said it yourself: Chad’s… kind of a slacker. From the sounds of things he’s one of those folks who is terrified of potential. It sounds crazy but it’s true. Ask any writer: there’s nothing more fucking intimidating than a perfectly blank sheet of paper. After all, when everything’s theoretical, it can be perfect. Once you’ve started actually making marks on it… well then you can fuck things up and find out that maybe you’re not as talented and awesome as you think you are. Some of it could be that he just doesn’t know how to get where he (theoretically) wants to go… but odds are that he’s pants-shittingly terrified by all of the possibilities. He feels better where things are safe and comfortable, not out in the world of unknowns and what-ifs.
You on the other hand are more assertive; you can’t really be passive in business and expect to get anywhere. You’re more dynamic. And, I’m willing to bet, it frustrates the hell out of you the way that Chad seems to waste his talent and potential and expect others to do the heavy lifting for him. Small wonder that Other Guy was so appealing; he’s the polar opposite of Chad. This doesn’t mean that’s automatically what you want… it just means that he’s so outside of your usual experience that the novelty is intoxicating.
Which brings me to you two. You’ve been together since high-school, which is really goddamn rare. 99.99% of the population does not stay with their high-school sweethearts because… well, none of us are the same people that we were in high-school. We’ve changed and grown and what we wanted then can seem childish and immature in the face of experience and perspective. Not to say that a couple can’t grow and change together but I wouldn’t bet on it.
And I think that’s some of what’s happened here. You’re starting to realize that things are different. You’re not the same person you were 12 years ago and neither is Chad… and that’s the problem. He’s a sweet, amazing guy with a lot to offer… but he’s letting a lot of that go to waste and just keeps refusing to take the next step. You honestly care about him and you have a lot of shared history together which is important. But from the sounds of things… you and he both know that this isn’t working. This, I suspect, is part of why he asked you to marry him: an attempt to hold on to you and the belief that marriage can solve all of your problems and make things magically better.
Trust me on this: no it fucking can’t. I have seen that scenario play out more times than I can count.
Now here’s what I suggest: stop thinking that you only have two choices. You’re not that restricted. It’s not just a case of “pick Chad or Other Guy”. I would suggest that you pick door number three: neither.
You’ve been together for nearly half of your lives. Making the leap and going out into the great wide somewhere by yourself can seem absolutely terrifying, which is part of why coming back to Other Guy has it’s appeal. But no matter how intense that connection was at the time… well, I wouldn’t trust it. Not just yet.
You need to go out and forge your own life for a bit and figure out who you are when you’re not half of the YouAndChad equation. Just because you and Chad aren’t working doesn’t mean that the answer is BizarroChad, the Type-A alpha-male go-getter business tycoon. It also doesn’t mean that the answer isn’t you and Chad… if Chad had a little time and motivation to get his shit together. It’s time to take a break from all of this drama, carve out your own life and get reconnected with who you are and what you want, without Chad and Other Guy trying to color your decisions. Give yourself some time alone and see where you are. It may be the kick in the ass Chad needs to get his shit straight and find some ambition and this becomes another road-bump on the way to the two of you happily growing old together that you will tell your kids about. Or maybe a couple years down the line when you’re a little wiser and the pain is less, you find that Other Guy really is the right guy for you. You may find a way to make it work with both guys. Or it may be that you find out that what you want is completely different than you ever dreamed and you’re going to settle down in Vermont with a guy that runs an organic goat-cheese concern.
Take some time – and I mean at least a year – to do your own thing without limiting yourself to Choice A or Choice B. You may find out that anything between Choice C through YYZ is the real answer.