We talk a lot about attractiveness; what do women find attractive, how does a guy become more attractive to women, what do guys find attractive. It can get a little confusing because most of the time when we talk about attractiveness, we are talking about what we find physically attractive. And while there are certain aspects of physicality that are more or less universally attractive – symmetrical facial features, physical indicators of good health and ability to successfully father/bear children – it’s difficult to come to a conclusion as to what is attractive to everybody. Some men like large breasts, some men like small ones. Some men like skinny girls, some men like more voluptuous ones while others like BBWs.
Women are as bad, if not worse, when it comes to their concepts of physical attractiveness. Put five women in a room and ask about what’s attractive and you’ll end up with six opinions.
But what if you take physicality out of the equation? What sorts of non-physical traits are attractive? And why? And how can you leverage those in order to increase your own attractiveness?
Let’s take a look, shall we?
Confidence is one of the most commonly given pieces of advice when guys want to know how to get better with women. It’s also one of the most frustrating because of how vague it can be. “Great, confidence, what the hell does that mean? How do I seem confident? Why the hell is confidence so attractive?”
Confidence is a part of what is sometimes called “alpha” behavior. It’s a sign that someone is self-reliant and has the ability to take care of themselves and others. It’s the mark of someone who knows, deep inside, that they have worth, that they’re worthy of attention. In fact, they deserve it. Evolutionarily speaking, it’s the trait of someone who has the capability to be a good provider and protector to his mate and dependents.
This sort of behavior is magnetic. Humans are pack animals and we naturally gravitate towards those whom we believe can be of a benefit to us. Non-confident people tend to be submissive and cringing; these are not people who would be of great benefit to us when we go mastodon hunting or the saber-tooth tigers come prowling around the villages.
People have different ideas on how to appear confident; some will try cocky-funny humor, making jokes about the size of their cock or how the girl they’ll leave the girl walking bow-legged. Others take a different approach and start throwing out “negs”, little insults that – in theory – are supposed to demonstrate that you feel you are the woman’s social equal if not slightly above her; in practice it mostly comes across as a guy being an immature asshole.
Appearing confident is equal parts physicality and mental outlook. Body language plays a large part of it. Stand up straight with your shoulders held back and your arms dangling loosely at your sides. Take deliberate steps, as though you were walking towards something with purpose and everything should get out of your way. Be willing to take up space. Minimize any short, quick moves; these make you appear nervous. You want to look relaxed. You should move with control and deliberation. And smile. For God’s sake, smile.
Mentally, you need to feel as though you are the shit. You are the king. Good things come into your life and you deserve them. There is nothing that you can’t handle. When you’re approaching women, you can’t hesitate or be shy. you have to approach with the attitude that you already know they’re going to like you and all you’re doing now is getting the formalities out of the way. You need to be willing to touch and to escalate physically.
It can be hard to feel confident at times; this is when emulating the physicality of a confident person will help. Our brains are functionally controlled by our bodies and how our bodies react can retrain our brain. By assuming the physical behaviors, you will be training your brain to respond as though you were confident. Practicing this will help you build up your natural confidence… otherwise known as “fake it until you make it.”
Assertiveness and Leadership
Here, we go back to some evolutionary psychology. As pack animals, we are constantly aware of status; the alphas lead the pack, they get the first choice of food, they get the best choice of mates and are more likely to pass on their genes to their offspring. Being attached to a leader means that, at a primal level, we will be provided for and taken care of. On the more modern level, being a leader means that you have social qualities and the strength of character that draws people to you and inspires them to follow you.
Assertiveness ties into this. You aren’t easily cowed by others. You have the confidence (there’s that aspect again) that you know what to do and what is right and you are willing to fight for it. When it comes to women, it’s a sign that you can handle them. Attractive women are well aware of the power they hold over men; they know instinctively that they intimidate men with their beauty while they arouse them at the same time. Very beautiful women frequently have an attitude of deservedness because of their beauty; they know that guys will like them simply because they’re hot, ergo they feel no need to be “nice” when the slightest bit of niceness from them is all that’s needed to get what they want.
Being and displaying these attributes means being willing to take charge and make decisions, not just go along with what everyone else is doing. When others are hemming and hawing, you should have a plan. Be willing to stick up for yourself and unwilling to leap through other people’s hoops.
To put it in nerd terms: think of it as channelling your inner Han Solo. Despite her being beautiful and royalty besides, Solo was more than willing to not just address Leia as an equal but to call her out when he thought she was wrong or being foolish. Just remember: there’s a difference between being assertive and being an asshole.
There’s a reason why “a sense of humor” tops the list of what every woman is looking for in a man. Humor is one of the most fundamental aspects of communication. It’s found in every culture on the planet. It not only predates human language, it predates humanity. We see humor in apes, dolphins, even dogs and rats. Apes have specific laugh-like vocalizations that they use when they’re play fighting or engaging in social interactions that help cement social bonds. Scientists have found that rats actually make high-pitched laughing squeaks when they’re tickled or played with.
Laughter has specific physical responses on the body; it increases oxygenation of the blood and releases endorphins in the brain and boosts the production of seratonin which decreases stress hormones in the body. Laughing with someone helps you to bond with them.
Women respond to a man who can make them laugh because it makes them feel good. Being able to make people laugh means that you can connect with them socially; you can interact with other social groups and make them feel close to you.
Much like assertiveness, there is a line between someone who can make people laugh and becoming a performer. You don’t want to be a dancing monkey, clowning around desperately for other people’s approval. Similarly, while a wry, self-deprecating sense of humor can be entertaining, you don’t want to be the guy who just makes jokes at his own expense.
One of the ways to become more attractive women is, paradoxically, to be seen in the company of other attractive women This is known colloquially as pre-selection; the idea that women have already selected you as being someone who is worth interacting with. It affects women on many levels; on the evolutionary level, the presence of other women works as a guide that you have genes that are worth passing along. On the social level, you are displaying that you not only have dated beautiful women before but that you’re not going to be cowed or intimidated by her beauty. And on the purely emotional level, it plays to people’s sense of jealousy and competitiveness; seeing someone with an attractive woman not only inspires her to think that this person clearly has something going for him that she may not be able to perceive yet but it will also make her wonder what that other woman has that she doesn’t.
Of course, this can be a difficult attribute to cultivate and display. How does one demonstrate being attractive to women without already being attractive to women?
The easiest way to display this is a wing-woman. If you’re on good terms with an ex-girlfriend or have an attractive-yet-platonic female friend, bring them with you to the bars or parties. Being seen interacting with them – a woman who clearly isn’t a stranger hanging out with you can be excellent girl-bait. In addition to triggering pre-selection, they can talk up you up in ways that you can’t without seeming like you’re bragging.
If you don’t have a wing-woman available, there are ways of displaying pre-selection. At parties or out at bars and clubs, try befriending girls there; being seen with many women will have a similar effect. Talking about the female friends – keeping the exact nature of the relationship somewhat ambiguous – that you hang out with on a regular basis can imply the same relationships… provided that you keep a level of subtlety. Just talking about all the women you’ve dated will either sound as though you are making things up or are desperately trying to convince others of how attractive you are.
A wise man once said that money can’t buy you love… but it can certainly improve one’s bargaining position. Being rich will make you very attractive.
But let’s say you’re like the 98% of the country that isn’t fantastically wealthy. Not being rich isn’t going to hurt you, but your lifestyle can. The women you date will be imagining how they will fit into your lifestyle and what you can offer them. A life of sitting around doing nothing but playing Call of Duty over Xbox Live isn’t going to be as attractive to them as someone who can take them on adventures. When women are looking at you, is she seeing somebody with no ambition and no drive, somebody who’s going to leech off of her at every opportunity? Or is she going to see someone who is clearly going places, even if he’s not there yet? Would dating you mean a life of Netflix and take-out Chinese or going to incredible parties with awesome people? Will you be taking her on hikes along gorgeous trails or will she be dragging you out of your living room?
You need to be willing to take a hard look at yourself and your life and ask “What can my lifestyle offer women?” And be honest. If you don’t like the answer… well, you’re the only one who can fix that. And fixing that part of your life may be the last key to click into place that makes you more attractive to women.