Dear Dr. Nerdlove,
I’ve read most of your site, and, while it has a great amount of information on it, I can’t quite find a solution to the problem I’m having. I’m a freshman in college and thanks to the advice given to me by basically everyone, I found a girl who was gorgeous and seemed my type and started a conversation.
Things went pretty well from there, I hung out in her room for several hours at a time every other day or so as we talked about various things, until the time came to actually ask her out, about a week after we’d met and a total of around 10 hours hanging out in her room talking. I started out by simply asking her if she had a boyfriend, and she responded with “no, I do not” and left it at that as we went to her room to hang out. An hour or so later, when I was about to leave, I mustered the courage to actually ask her out, and a vague transcript would be something like this (some probable inaccuracies given my mental state at the time, but I think it’s pretty close):
Me: I was wondering if you’d like to go an an actual date sometime.
Her: No, I mean, I have no idea how to date and barely know how to hang out.
Me: Would you be willing to at least give it a try?
Her: No (some other words followed, nothing nasty, but I can’t fully recall them).
Since then, we’ve hung out a few times and have gone to lunch and dinner with and without her roommate/friend, and I haven’t mentioned dating since then. I’m very bad at interpreting body language and can’t give any reliable information on that regard, but I was wondering if there would be any way to salvage the situation or if the most I can realistically hope for is having her as a friend (wouldn’t be a bad option, she’s an amazing person and just being around her is fun, but I’d like more).
Your first mistake was asking her out on a generic date at some generic place and time. When you ask a girl out, you want to ask her to do something specific at a particular time and date. Just saying “Would you like to go out some time” is not only wishy-washy but it sounds like you’re inviting her to decide not only on the time and place but on the event as well. Keep this in mind for the next time.
From her response it sounds like she was brushing you off. Following her refusal with “would you at least be willing to give it a try” comes off as begging, which is just never going to be attractive. I have only known one relationship that started off with the guy begging the girl to go out with him and that went rather badly.
Now, the fact that you still hang out with her a few times indicates that she’s at least on friendly terms with you, which is good. But frankly at this point unless she starts giving you other indicators of her interest in dating you – such as, say, asking you out on a date, kissing you, giving you a handie in the closet or otherwise behaving in a manner that is not indicative of typical friendship, I think you should focus on being friends with her and turning your attentions elsewhere.
Doc,
I’m a dude.
I fell for my friends girlfriend.
She fell for me.
They broke up after 4 year relationship.
She’s a neurotic type, feeling like the whole world depends on her (I think I like her because we are so much alike). She wants me, she says I’m the only person that makes her happy, but she’s not ready yet to engage in such a relationship. After she had broken up with him, she’s been drinking and partying, as a way to forget, I guess.
The only thing that comes to my mind is simply: wait. But I cannot be her friend, nor I think should I be her friend (especially since we both like each other it seems like a cheat). Is waiting the best option or should i do something?
There are a couple things to keep in mind.
First of all, she just got out of a four year relationship. Because you were her boyfriend’s best friend, she may well feel awkward about using you as a landing pad after ejecting. Even under the best of circumstances, it’s going to take some time for her to get over things. I’ve mentioned before that a lot of people subscribe to the half-life theory of getting over relationships… it may or may not apply here, but you may be in for a long haul if you’re waiting for her to get over things.
But to be perfectly honest…
The old saying “actions speak louder than words” is frequently true, and her actions here are not necessarily the actions of a woman who’s fallen for you and left a relationship because of you. She may say that she wants you and that you’re the only person who makes her happy, but the way she’s acting says “I’m out of a long-term relationship and by God I’m going to celebrate my newfound freedom!” Could it be that she’s trying to anesthetize herself from a bad break-up in a fairly self-destructive way? Yes, that’s definitely a possibility; if it’s true however, then she’s got issues she should be working out with a professional before she decides to get into another committed relationship.
You need to ask yourself some hard questions: did she really fall for you, or were you a convenient excuse to exit a relationship that was already on it’s downward spiral? Is she really not ready for another relationship or is she keeping you around because she likes the attention? And if she does just need time to sort things out, you need to ask yourself just how long are you willing to put your life on hold while you wait for her?
Once you have some answers to these questions, you may want to talk to her. Explain to her how you feel and tell her that you want some indication as to what’s going on. How long does she expect you to wait for her while she’s out drinking and partying and not being ready to date you, despite her protests to the contrary.
And then you need to be willing to walk away. It may well be that you were used. It may be that her grieving and adjustment period will be longer than you’re willing to wait.
Or it could be that the prospect of losing you as well will snap her out of it and finally make up her mind.