I’ll get the occasional e-mail that seems simple on the surface. Sometimes the reason it seems simple is because someone forgot to include relevant details. Other times there will be developments that crop up afterwards and merit a followup.
This is one of those times.
I saw a guy post something to a Facebook friend. I poked him up out of pure curiosity, and realized I’d stumbled on the impossible: the kind of guy I was immediately attracted to. Baring celebrities, this never happens, although he’s not celeb-pretty at all (though quite handsome) so that’s not it. But he likes pokemon, music, and likes punk outfits. What’s not to like?
I friended him. He accepted. I then took a deep breath, dove in, and introduced myself. We hit it off, and even though I eventually had to leave, he agreed to talk the next day. So, I virtually made contact, went in with nervous confidence, and came out with established contact. So it won’t be a surprise if I chat with him or post something to him on occasion, like normal friends.
Question is, how do I proceed from here? Do I chat for a week and then ask if he wants to hang out next Friday or the weekend? If he has band practice on that weekend, would it be rude to ask if I could tag along? I’ve never done this before, and I know this is something smart people don’t make a habit of, so this is that rare one occasion where I roll the dice anyway and pray for the best. But now that I’ve made contact… How do I continue?
Lyta Ford
Short answer: You’re overthinking it. Ask him out. Straight up. Ask him if he wants to get a beer and chat in person.
Long answer: I wouldn’t recommend trying to cage an invite to band practice, especially if you’d never actually hung out with him in person before. If they’re actually serious about their band, you aren’t going to have much of an opportunity to talk with him and his friends are going to wonder why he brought a stranger with him. If they’re not… well, then you’re hanging out with a dude because he’s cute and he’s in a “band”. And do you really want to be that much of a cliche?
Start a conversation, tell him you want to continue the conversation in person, get some beers and move on from there. Ya rolls the dice and ya takes ya chances.
A little bit later:
LF: Things get complicated. We hit it off, but there was no talking the next day even though I dropped him a message, and the day after, he seemed rather short-tempered and terse with his replies. (Being underage, 17, the both of us, there was no mention of beer.) I asked him if he wanted to hang out on Saturday, and got no response.
Then I find out from my ex that he has a girlfriend. Worse, my ex was the one to set the two of them up. (This is an appropriate moment for a facepalm) He kindly offered to step in and try to break them up, with the usual petty “he said, she did” sort of thing that is typical in high school, but I said no. Firstly, that’s disrespectful to the guy, for me to manipulatively and sneakily try to get to him by breaking them up– and worse, use someone else to do it. Secondly, it’s disrespectful to the girl.
But I still want him.
I’m under the impression that their relationship isn’t that strong, so I’ve still got some hope. It would appear that she puts in 75% of the effort, and he only 25%. This is all I’ve gotten by description only.
My next concern is that he is in a band. They need a screamer. I have never been in a band, nor have I ever played a screamer part in one, but I decided to audit anyway. However, I’m wondering if I’m in over my head. I love music, and I like singing, and I’ve always wanted to be in a band anyway (I just never had the opportunity.) But I’m wondering– am I going so far because I want to be in a band, or because I’m trying to change and get closer in the hopes of attracting his attention head-on? And whichever one it is– am I in a bad place?
My ex tells me I sound “worked up and desperate”, though I think that if that was the case, I would have told him to go ahead and break them up so I could move in for the kill. However, I am taking his concerns into account, and I’m just– wondering. I need an objective head to tell me whether I’m going in the right direction or not, and if I should stay the course and back off with the assumption that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and I’ll find someone else– at least someday. Someone who’s not already taken, even if they’re not wholly invested in their relationship (and this is only by my ex’s account.)
There is a school dance coming up in a week’s time. He doesn’t know that I know he has a girlfriend, given that there is no “in a relationship” marked on his facebook, as she does not appear to have a facebook. This would be an opportunity for me to make it very plain that I am interested in him, although there is spectacular potential for it to go badly, disastrously wrong. If it does, even if I get into the band, my presence might make their practices awkward and tense even if I never bring it up again and still put my whole effort into doing my part– and that’s the last thing I want to do. This band means a lot to him, and whether he turns me down or not, I don’t want to mess this up for him.
LF
Right, now things have gotten interesting. From the sounds of it, he doesn’t seem terribly into you. Plus, you know, he’s got a girlfriend. Best thing to do is to pack up your hopes and dreams and move on.
But you still want him. And far be it from me to not address this all the while crushing out the last vestiges of hope.
First things first: I don’t care what your ex has said about your crush and his girlfriend. You know nothing about what his relationship is like with his current squeeze. You have, at best, second-hand information and the knowledge that they’re not “Facebook official”. None of this qualifies as anything even vaguely resembling operational intelligence. Nobody can be 100% sure about what’s going on in a relationship except the two people in it. And sometimes not even then. Holding out hope that their relationship isn’t strong and they’re due for a break-up any moment now is what people with Oneitis tell themselves in order to justify not giving up in the face of the obvious.
Second: Let’s be honest here, you’re still hoping to break them up. You’re just hoping to go about it in slightly more underhanded means – you want to catch his eye and win him away from his current girl “fair and square” rather than having your ex try to play Iago to his Othello. While I won’t say that I haven’t done this myself to women a few times – successfully, even – it’s cheap, underhanded and not the greatest foundation with which to start a new relationship. Especially when he’s not really showing any interest in you in the first place.
Third: Still time to be honest. You want to be his screamer (and you better appreciate the Green Lantern-esque levels of willpower it takes not to make a long stream of jokes and innuendo right now…) because you’re into him, not because you’re into the band. Now, I will grant you that infidelity and banging your band-mates have a long and glorious tradition in rock and roll, but let’s face it: he ain’t Mick Fleetwood and you’re not Stevie Nicks.1 Assuming you a) make it into the band and b) actually do manage to snag your precious frontman, the best you can look forward to is a lot of high-school drama that climaxes with a disastrous performance, the band breaking up and you being single again and probably falling into your exes arms for comfort. Which may well be his entire plan from the beginning. Well played sir, well played.
The only real upside to trying to join the band under false pretenses is that you’d be giving me material for the romantic comedy screen play that I could later sell for millions and using that as a springboard for my relationship with the future Mrs. NerdLove-Johannson. So there’s that, at least.
You’re 17. You’re going to graduate soon and then it’s off to college where you will find hotter guys with bands who are also single. Save yourself the drama and let Mick go his own way.
Although future Mrs. NerdLove-Johannson may not thank you for it.
Good luck.
A quick and dirty bonus for you good readers:
I have never been much of an alcohol drinker. In fact I never actually drank any for myself until this past year when I was on a trip in Italy and then again at New Years. The thing is I have no idea which alcohol is best suited for my taste and don’t really know where to begin. I have tried beer, wine (red and white), rum, and whiskey (which managed to hit my tongue on the way down. >,<), and so far I have enjoyed the wine and rum the most.
My question is for other alcohol newbs like myself, can you give us some basic guidelines for the different alcohols out there?
I’m going to preface this by assuming that you’re of legal drinking age. Underage drinking is bad, kiddos, so make sure you don’t get caught!
Most forms of booze are going to be an acquired taste. Most of them take a little getting used to, especially if you don’t know the difference between, say, a porter and a pilsner or a Malbec and a Merlot. Some are easier to get into than others; rum, for example, is one of the easier types of alcohol for beginners to get into because of it’s sweetness. Mixed right, you can barely taste the rum in a Cuba Libre. Of course, that sweetness is also what will get you into trouble; it’s easy to lose track and over-do it because of how easy it is to drink.
You may also want to try bourbon; it’s made from corn, which gives it a natural but not overpowering sweetness, and a number of mid-list brands – like Maker’s Mark – are nice and smooth.
The other best choice for a beginning drinker is vodka. It’s mostly flavorless and mixes well with just about anything. It’s very hard to go wrong with a vodka tonic. Just remember: if you’re having a mixed drink, don’t bother going with a name or top-shelf brand; all you’re doing is wasting your money since the predominant flavor is going to be whatever mixer you’re using.
The best thing you can do however – again, assuming you’re of legal age – is to have someone to guide you. Many liquor stores and wine merchants will have beer, scotch, bourbon and wine tastings, and these can be great opportunities to expand your interests and educate your palate. Failing that though, it’s time to make friends with your local bartender. Let them know you’re new to drinking and you’re interested in learning more about whiskey/Scotch/beer/what-have-you. If he or she is any good, they’ll be happy to help you out and recommend different beers or spirits to try.
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