Dear Doctor Nerdlove:
I am 23 year old adult who has; what might be to some; a nerdy obsession. However my profound love is not an interest of high fantasy literature, video games, movies, or anime, but an over zealous devotion to Heavy Metal music.This seems to be my down fall as I live smack dab in the bible belt. This little fact means that I am surrounded by women who have picked up the social, political, and sometimes religious views of their community.
Now I like the southern girls as much as any other guy in the area, but my dilemma is that I have a hell of a time explaining to the girls that comes over to my house; that just because I own a ton of CDs that range in topic from anti religious sentiments to brutal violence; that I am not some kind of nut case.
Let me paint the picture a little better. Say I meet a nice young lady out in public, hit it off, and hook up with her; the first few dates being outings and maybe going over to her place (If I am to be so lucky). But then she asks to see, hang, or go over to my place. I then have to spend an afternoon coming up with a series of explanations as to why I have this really obscure hobby (if you can call metal collecting a hobby; I will leave that up to you). The music in general is not a big issue; it’s not like I my placed rigged to play black metal when I walk through the door. It’s all the paraphernalia like CD cases, band posters, T-shirts, and magazines that often have graphic content on it. Some girls just get put off by it.
At first I thought it would just be a few girls that might freak out about it, but I soon realized that I was explaining my hobby to every one of the opposite sex who walked through my door.
My question is this: Is it possible to meet and hook up with people when you maintain a hobby that controversial, or does it require the person in question to lock a few skeletons in their closet.
Death Metal Head
The first thing you need to understand is that everybody is nerdy about something. The same jock who sneers at nerds for playing Warcraft or Dungeons and Dragons will then turn right around, get dressed up in his team’s jersey (cosplay, doncha know?) and go to the bar that’s holding his fantasy football draft. Let’s face it, the only difference between playing fantasy football and playing D&D is that the D&D gamers don’t hold a party every time they roll up a new character.
The next thing you need to keep in mind is that you don’t want to be ashamed of your hobby1; if you treat something you love as something shameful and that needs to be hidden, any girl you talk to is going to treat it the same way. Making excuses just means that it’s something you feel that you should apologize for, which is no way to treat something you love. If you’re into metal, then it should be a perk, not some terrible secret that you only reveal when you have no other choice. I’ve mentioned before that the trick to selling your nerdy love is passion. Women respond to passion, even when they don’t necessarily share it. Explain what it is about metal that you love about it, whether it’s the old-school lightning speed of Yngwie Malmstein’s neo-classical style or the way that the power chords of Sepultura reach into the primal core of your being and pound away like a mountain starting to walk. If you can describe how it makes you feel and the emotional connection you have to it, how you got into it and why it speaks to you, you’ll be better equipped to help the women you meet understand your passion, even if they don’t share it.
Now, having said that… if your house is decorated in wall to wall Dimmu Borgir, Lordi and Amon Amarth, you’re going to want to dial it back some. You already have said that the content can be off-putting, and the last thing you want to do is alienate a girl once you’ve gone and managed to get her home. Some metal bands can have some pretty intense imagery and the number of women who are going to be interested in sex while Gaahl is staring down at them is going to be few and far between.
Plus, you don’t want to give the impression that heavy metal is the only thing you’re into. In general you want to live a well-rounded life and your home should indicate this. I’m not saying strip the walls bare, but you may want to dial your visible collection back to a few key (and less extreme) pieces while the remainder are stored and cataloged somewhere safe.
And finally, you may want to start pre-selecting for girls who are already into your scene, DMH. You may live in the buckle of the Bible Belt but that doesn’t mean that you’re not going to find some girls who have a healthy sense of rebellion against the culture they’ve grown up in. You may not find many girls already into death metal or viking metal, but I’m willing to bet that you can find some who’re into compatible genres. Metallica and Korn fans – or even some Juggalos – are an obvious start, but don’t forget about the punk scene; the stripped down and raw thrash of punk may not mesh perfectly with the over-the-top production of metal, but I think you’ll find a lot of the themes and emotional content to be complimentary with your interests.
Good luck.
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