Dear Dr. NerdLove:
A common truism you hear a lot about dating is “You have to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else”. I’m bringing that up so I can tie dating to something I want to pick your brain on, which is about self-love.
I find the messaging around how one should feel about themselves to be confusing to navigate. One hand, it’s generally understood one should learn to be humble and self-critical, because the mind is naturally biased towards itself and will resist hearing negative things about itself. On the other hand, we warn about self-loathing and excessive self-criticism. A person having too much negative self-talk is a sign of depression.
To make this more personal, I’m one of those people prone to self-deprecating humor. It’s a habit I’ve had since middle school. I admit, it was definitely unhealthy back then when I would say things like I’m stupid or ugly, things I didn’t really believe but got laughs. Nowadays I try to be more realistic (I’m a knowledgeable person and I look okay when I dress well, I think) but I’ll still joke about how much of a loser I am occasionally. I see some criticism of self-deprecating humor and ironically it’s makes me defensive. I think, “Yeah, I’m making myself look bad, but at least I’m humbling myself. Better than being egotistical”.
And that’s what I want to know. How can I have confidence and practice self-love without becoming a narcissist? I see people online express love towards themselves in ways that I could never feel comfortable doing because I believe that if I said them, it would be arrogant. I could never say “I’m hot” or “I’m cool” because I just don’t believe those about myself. I’m not saying that people who do are arrogant, I’m just saying I don’t have the will to stand up for myself if I got push back for saying those things. And I just have a hard time relating to people who do.
And I mean, while lack of self-confidence can be harmful to one’s health and social life, arrogance does still exist right? Whenever we see someone gassing themselves up to an extreme level and acting like they’re the hottest shit in the room we all recognize that person as an asshole. I mean look at the Artist Formally Known as Kanye. Few people looked at that guy and thought “That man is an example of radical self-love”.
What makes the pressure to gain self-love worse for me is the political aspect of it. There are people who practice self-love not just for their mental health, but to push back against a society that devalues anyone who isn’t a cishet white male (What’s that phrase? “Lord grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man”). I’m a POC so I understand the importance of that, but if I’m in a situation where I’m not being valued, I just can’t imagine getting away with responding with “You just don’t want to see a proud afro-latino thrive”.
Where I’m at is that I think I love myself as much as I would if I were a separate person, and that I could love myself more if I felt I’ve improved. I believe my humility is honest and not just a shield to make people comfortable. It might have been back in middle school, but I swear it isn’t anymore. Yet people make it sound like loving yourself is something anyone can learn to do no matter who they are and what state they are at. And if that’s true, then I have no idea what’s holding me back.
So what do you think? How does one gain self-love without feeling arrogant?
Love At Fifth Sight
This is a statement and a concept with no small amount of controversy, LAFS, and a hell of a lot of misunderstandings. And I think we should probably start with just what that statement means and why this concept trips people up.
The basic idea seems simple… but unfortunately, that simplicity is precisely why people argue about its meaning. A lot of folks, for example, take this to mean that people who have depression or are dealing with the effects of trauma and don’t like themselves are incapable of loving others. And not only is that not what the phrase means, but that interpretation is bullshit. Folks can and do love others — romantically and platonically, passionately and placidly — despite not liking or loving themselves very much. Others believe — like you do — that self-love is less confidence and more narcissism and something to be avoided.
What it actually means is that if you don’t love and accept yourself and, critically, believe that you deserve to be loved, you’re not going to be able to accept love from other people. You’ll have a much harder time believing that someone could possibly love you or that they’re telling you the truth when they tell you that they care. You’ll believe that someone’s attraction for you is, in fact, a trick or a mistake, and that they’ll either wise up and change their minds or you’ll get the rug yanked out from under you. Similarly, if you don’t believe that you’re worthy and deserving of love, you’ll have a much harder time allowing yourself to open up to others and embrace the vulnerability you need in order to let people in. If you see your feelings for others as an inconvenience or, worse, an insult to others, then you’re going to want to keep them to yourself. So it’s not that you’re incapable of feeling love or the action of loving others, but the mindset that empowers you to actually express and act on those emotions instead of keeping it bottled up and isolating yourself.
Similarly, there’s a vast difference between self-love, confidence, arrogance and narcissism. Narcissism isn’t just confidence turned up to 11 or even being willing to believe that you’re the hottest thing since World War III. Narcissism is the belief that the world rotates around you. Narcissism is selfishness and self-aggrandizement, the need for constant admiration and a lack of empathy for others. Arrogance is, likewise, not just being very confident. Arrogance is believing that you’re better and superior to others, especially in an insulting and demeaning way, and even more especially when that belief isn’t validated by experience. Trump talking about his “superior genes” or how he knows more about war than his generals, for example, is textbook arrogance. So is the stereotype of the record store clerk — as seen in High Fidelity — who sneers at the musical tastes of everyone who walks through the door.
Believing that you’re a better football player than folks actually on the field is arrogance. Demanding that people continually blow smoke up your ass about how amazing you are is narcissism. Believing that you’re physically attractive or knowing that you’re smart or skilled in an area isn’t arrogance — certainly not when it doesn’t come with an attitude of “…and that’s why I’m better than you peons.”
(Incidentally, nobody seriously looks at Kanye and thinks “that’s a man who loves himself too much”. That’s a man who lives with bipolar disorder, and doesn’t have folks around him who are willing or able to step to him when he’s in a manic phase.)
It’s also worth noting that humility isn’t necessarily the opposite of arrogance or narcissism. Humility doesn’t automatically mean not believing in your capabilities or refusing to take credit for your accomplishments. It’s acknowledging that while you may be skilled at something, there are others who are better than you or that what you’re capable of isn’t necessarily the most amazing thing ever. Someone who acknowledges that their skill is the work of hard work and practice and that they stand on the shoulders of those who came before them is showing humility.
Talking yourself down, on the other hand, isn’t humility. Neither is self-deprecation, particularly self-deprecating humor. While sometimes self-deprecating humor is about being willing to take yourself down a peg, a lot of times… well, to be perfectly blunt, most of the time it’s not humor. It’s just kicking yourself in the junk so other people won’t do it first. That feeling of “I don’t know how to react if someone pushes back if I say I’m hot,” that you mention is precisely why a lot of folks make jokey-jokes about how shitty they are at things or how awful they are or undesirable they are. It may be a joke, but it’s a joke based around something they believe about themselves; they’re just getting it out there before anyone else can.
And the problem with this sort of behavior is that often it didn’t start as a joke; it started as humor, from folks who felt like you do: that you need to be humble and not brag about yourself. But as the sage once said: we become that which we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be. Tell people how awful, unattractive, undesirable or whatever you are enough times and all you’re doing is training yourself to believe it.
By that same token, telling yourself that you’re attractive, funny or desirable helps you believe that too. In fact, this is precisely why I tell folks not to wait to dress well or to focus on their presentation: because doing the things you think only “hot” people do starts to affect how you think about yourself. Starting now, even when you think you aren’t “ready” or “aren’t that kind of person yet”, serves as a form of training yourself to believe in your own power. It can be easier to accept if you look at it as practice; yeah, it feels weird or fake at first, but you’re getting used to it for when you’re ready.
Now part of the problem that it sounds like you’re facing is over-reliance on what’s known as “external validation” — that is, you put too much importance on the opinions of others. While yes, having some concern for what others think is important, far too many people rely on external validation for their own sense of self-esteem. Cultivating internal validation — trusting in your own judgement of yourself, believing in yourself, regardless of what others think — is important. External validation is inherently fragile and impermanent; if you rely on others’ opinions for your concept of self or your sense of value, then you’ve made it impossible to believe in yourself. You’ve rendered yourself at the mercy of the opinions of random strangers — many of whom will cheerfully shit on you for kicks. Any positive opinion from one person can be obliterated instantly by a stray comment from someone else.
Learning to validate yourself, cultivating that internal validation, on the other hand, is far sturdier and long-lasting. While yes, people may disagree with you about how you look or how desirable you are… well, who gives a six-legged rat’s ass? How you feel about yourself, how you carry yourself and how you treat yourself carries far more weight and importance. After all, the way you feel about yourself, both positive and negative, bleeds into everything you do; it affects your body language, how you talk to others, even how you respond to mistakes or failure. Trust me: Serge Gainsbourg didn’t become one of the sex-gettingest men in history — despite looking like the bastard son of a bulldog and a Deep One — by listening to folks who thought the politest thing they could call him was “very French”.
It’s also worth noting that the folks you see online talking about how hot or awesome they are don’t lack the same inner doubts you have or don’t feel the same weirdness about being willing to say “that’s right, I’m awesome.” Many, even most, feel just as odd about it and having that same feeling of “it’s rude/arrogant/unrealistic of me to say this about myself”. They’re just doing it anyway. Many of them are staking out those positions precisely because they have that ingrained resistance that says “don’t say this, be humble”; they’re trying to push back against that voice and take control of their own validation.
Which, honestly, is what you should be doing. While you don’t need to go around declaring yourself to be the hottest thing jumping out of the coffee pot, being willing to bluntly and unashamedly own your good qualities is a good thing. It’s something that takes practice to get comfortable doing. Even if it means just dressing up sharp, looking at yourself in the mirror and saying “damn, I look nice,” consciously and verbally praising yourself is a good thing. Same with giving yourself credit for your accomplishments or even the idea that you are loved and deserving of love. At the same time, you want to practice biting back those self-deprecating jokes, and swallowing urge to make “humble” dismissals of others’ compliments. There’s nothing wrong with accepting that you did something good or that you’re skilled at something. Treating yourself with kindness and confidence isn’t arrogant or egotistical. It’s a good thing to do for yourself.
So how do you learn to love yourself and develop that confidence? Start with staking out the position that you’re attractive and people would be lucky to be in a relationship with you. Tell yourself this, out loud and regularly. Dress the way that makes you feel like a sexy bad-ass, or how you would dress if you were a sexy bad-ass. Practice behaving the way you would if you believed, to your core, that you were as hot as you wish you were, without apology. And, importantly, cultivate friends who will have your back and prop you up and who you support and prop up too.
The more you practice this, even if it’s “fake”, the more it’ll become natural for you. And before long, you’ll not only believe it… you’ll be able to accept it. Not just from yourself, but from other people too.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
It’s my last year as a high school student and I have liked this girl for two years now. She’s a year younger than me and I’ve known her since my sophomore year. Thing is, with her I’m so awkward that I can’t hold a good conversation. I’m good at conversing with anyone but her. I was gonna confess to her in person before class started, however, she came in late, so I thought it’d be best to give her a letter expressing my feelings.
I talked to her for a bit and when it was time for her to go to her classes, I gave her the letter. While walking with her, I feel like I was stalling too much. I could’ve told her then and there that I liked her, but I couldn’t. It was like the words were stuck in my throat and other words that were not in the theme of confessing came out instead. After school she texted me asking if the letter was a joke and I told her that it wasn’t. It threw me off when she asked me that. We talked for a bit and then she said to wait for an answer. It’s been 3 days since that happened and I still haven’t gotten an answer. Though I did tell her in the letter to take her time since right now we’re on a Thanksgiving break, so I understand.
If she does say yes, I want to take it slow. My other relationship kind of stung me as my feelings for my ex went away which is the reason why I broke up with them (+ we were rushing a lot). I don’t want that to be the same reason why I break up with my crush (if she says yes) which is why I want to take it slow.
How do I get closer to my crush? How do I know what I want? How do relationships work? What do you have to do to make your partner and you happy? Is waiting for a confession answer bad? If she does reject me, how do I move on?
Thank you,
Butterflies All Tied Up
Ok, BATU, the first thing you need to do is take a deep breath and slow your roll. You’re hyped up and trying to plan 52 steps ahead when you haven’t even gotten past step one. All you’re doing is working yourself into a panic over a thousand theoretical situations, when what you need to do is just slow your breathing and get zen.
So, rather than all the existential questions, let’s focus on the here and now.
Now, as a general rule, I’m not a big believer in just confessing how you feel to someone… at least, confessing by itself, anyway. While declaring your crush on someone makes for dramatic moments in CW shows or anime, in the real world… well, it’s not the best or most effective way to go about things. The reason I’m not big on just confessing your crush is because you’re functionally handing your feelings to someone else and saying “here, now its your responsibility to do something with this.” Now they have to not only figure out how they feel, but how to handle your feelings too and make the next move. That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone, especially if you aren’t sure of how they feel. Hell, they may not know how they feel. They may think you’re cute as hell but aren’t sure about anything else. They may have been dying inside for a chance to tell you how they feel. Or they may not be interested at all. A confession of love, however, tends to ask for a lot more definitive answers than they may have. As a result, there’s a real likelihood of getting a reflexive “I don’t feel the same” because they don’t know how they feel yet. It’s easier to default to the status quo, even when they may feel something for you too, than to take the next step and risk everything.
This is why my recommendation isn’t to confess your feelings, it’s to ask them out on a date. Not “hang out some time”, not “get together” but an actual, definitive date, on a specific day and time and (ideally) for a specific activity. This, in my experience, is a much more efficient and effective way of handling things. Not only is your interest implied — folks rarely ask people out on dates if they’re not attracted to them — but it makes saying “yes” much easier. They don’t have to figure out how they feel about you, about the situation and decide what to do next. They only thing they have to decide is if they want to go on a date with you. This doesn’t require that they decide precisely how they feel or what this does to your relationship with them — the bar to “do I want to go on a date with this person” is much lower and much less intimidating. Even if they aren’t sure how they feel, if they’re open to the possibility that there’s more beyond “yeah, BATU is hot”, a date is a perfect avenue to explore that possibility.
But all that’s for next time. What do you do now?
Well, you wait.
Think about how you feel when you try to talk to her. You get mush-mouthed and trip over yourself because everything feels so momentous and important. Imagine if, while you were in the middle of trying to figure out how to make the words go, they demanded you make a choice about something vital. You’d want a few moments to at least figure out how to string words into coherent sentences at the very least.
The same is true of your crush. Clearly your confession caught her by surprise — that’s part of why she asked if this was a joke. She, in all likelihood, has to parse her own feelings and that’s the sort of thing that can take time. Yeah, it can feel to us like it’s an obvious yes/no choice, but for the person who may never have even thought about it before, it can take some self-examination. That takes a while, especially if this came out of the clear blue sky. Meanwhile, any pressure from you — not that you’re pressuring her now, mind — can make it harder for her to arrive at an answer.
So the best thing you can do right now is let it go for now. There aren’t any actions you could take that will influence her choice in a positive direction, and most would work against you. Giving her space to decide how she feels and what she wants to do with those feelings (if anything) is your best choice. Not only are you being respectful of her desire to take time to think, but letting her have her time is more confident — and more attractive — than dancing in attendance and checking over and over if she’s got an answer yet. Make plans for what you do next and then put it out of your mind as best you can. And while yes, that’s easier said than done, it’s still all you can really do for now.
Here’s the thing: if she does return your feelings — or at least wants to go on a date or two — then taking things slow will be the right choice. You’re very, very young and this isn’t automatically going to be your last relationship ever. Taking your time and feeling your way forward is a smart choice. Even with all the advice in the world, your first and early relationships tend to be matters of trial and error. You’re still getting to know yourself and gathering experience in situations you’ve never dealt with before. It’s a lot easier to handle if you don’t rush; you have more time to think, to plan and to react instead of barreling ahead and ending up in over your head before you realize it.
And if she says no? What do you do then? Well, you give yourself some time to have a sad and feel the fuck out of your feels. Not months or years, but a couple solid weeks of feeling down is within reason. You may be a badass monster with the heart of a nuclear reactor, but even Satan took a moment to go “well FUCK” after being thrown into hell. Then, while you still may be sad, you don’t let yourself wallow any longer. You get up, dust yourself off, square your shoulders and start moving forward. While it absolutely sucks to get dumped or rejected, you will survive it and you will feel better. And — importantly — this is your last year of high-school. Before you know it, you’ll be off to your next stage of life, whether it’s college or something else, and you’ll be watching this moment in time get smaller and smaller in your rear-view mirror. You’ll be in the next stage of your life, with new people, new crushes and new opportunities and you’ll be ready to take the lessons from this experience and apply them to your next crush.
Good luck.
The holidays can be a rough time for folks. That’s why I want to invite you all to send in your holiday-related questions, whether it’s dealing with dating, relationships, family or feeling the Singles Blues during the holiday season. Send your questions in via the Ask Dr. NerdLove submission form, or email it to me at doc@doctornerdlove.com with “Holiday Question” in the subject header.